Dating Someone with Oral Herpes

[danslenoir]

I understand where you're coming from, but I'd the situation were reversed, and I were hsv free, I'd want to know. The last thing I need is to possibly get genital herpes with someone I'm not that serious about yet.

 

This study ( ) states that asymptomatic shedding is the most common mechanism of transmission.

 

And given that type 1 can spread to pretty much anywhere on the body (type 2 is known for just preferring the genital area and rarely moving anywhere else) I'd say that it is the more dangerous of the two.

 

I have never been asked in my life whether I have HSV-1 before someone has kissed me, and I'd be very surprised if you looked at a broader sample of people whether that experience would be any different in the vast majority of cases.

 

If it bothers you that much, then you should be the one to conduct whatever due diligence you see fit before taking what you (but not the vast majority of others) perceive to be an unacceptable risk.

[greywolf]

I have never been asked in my life whether I have HSV-1 before someone has kissed me, and I'd be very surprised if you looked at a broader sample of people whether that experience would be any different in the vast majority of cases.

 

If it bothers you that much, then you should be the one to conduct whatever due diligence you see fit before taking what you (but not the vast majority of others) perceive to be an unacceptable risk.

 

Kissing is one thing, but what about genital herpes? Would you say that possibly getting genital herpes from HSV-1 is an acceptable risk?

[greywolf]

Greywolf -- it's great to see you on this thread, I am so happy you made it here and saw it!!!!

 

Thanks! I haven't been around in forever! lol

 

I think this is the most common misconception I'm finding in all of this: that people somehow thing type 2 is "Oh no, this could really cause me trouble, and it's going to ruin my genital health, oh, this is serious!" while type 1 is such an innocuous thing, it's just inconsequential and "only cold sores."

 

I agree. It's "only cold sores" until you develop a life-threatening condition from it. CDC's guidelines for healthcare workers is to use contact and airborne precautions. So in the healthcare setting it's not treated as simple cold sores either.

 

Personally, I have not seen any severe complications from HSV, but I have seen a patient affected with shingles pneumonia. HSV can cause the same.

 

My husband's mom also has cold sores and she experiences excruciating pain when she has outbreaks.

 

I have more to respond about the content, but for now....you say that you and your husband were taking some level of precautions when still dating, but weren't that careful on some occasions. How do you define "not so careful"? Not using barrier methods when he was asymptomatic? Or having contact during his outbreaks, or when he felt symptoms coming on in the prodrome?

 

We avoided kissing and oral sex when he felt prodrome symptoms and when he had actual lesions. But my husband has outbreaks about 5-6 times a year so it can be difficult to avoid kissing him for half of the year. I'd still avoid kissing when he had lesions, but prodrome symptoms didn't seem to be much of a big deal after awhile. We have never used barrier methods for oral sex which I knew was risky although at the time I was unaware of how common it was to transmit oral herpes to the genitals. I knew it was possible but I didn't know it was as much as 50% of new genital herpes diagnoses.

 

I did have a big scare 2 or 3 years ago when I had a painful lesion on my genitals that turned out to be shingles. Although, I'm not sure how accurate those swab tests are at detecting which virus it is. Maybe I do have genital herpes after all.

 

How did you feel about the risk then? Were you willing to take the risk though somewhat fearful, or...how did you regard the risk, when you knew that your future together was uncertain? Did you have fear?

 

I did have some fear, especially with contracting genital herpes. Oral herpes I can explain away as "cold sores" to someone even though I know better, but genital herpes is still so highly stigmatized (and overblown) that I knew it would lead to uncomfortable conversations with future potential partners.

 

Another thing, Grey -- did you go into marriage with him thinking, "Since we will be together supposedly the rest of our lives", did that affect the level of precautions you took?

Did you feel at that point at peace with the idea that you would eventually get it? Or did you retain a hope that you would NOT get it, and make an effort not to get it, even after tying the knot?

 

I hoped to not get it, but thought that I would eventually get it. And then there came a point where I realized that we had been together for so long, that I most likely had contracted it by now and was asymptomatic. And I hoped that was the case, because I'd rather be an asymptomatic carrier that get lesions a couple times a year. We're still very diligent about avoiding oral sex though. After awhile, my main concern was the possibility of contracting it during pregnancy.

 

 

 

You say "as far as I was aware", you were seronegative before dating him, or at least to some point. Did you actually get tested for antibodies before getting with him, or while with him at any point (I mean, to establish that you were negative)?

 

Is that something you're assuming, or did you ask them to get tested?

 

I was never tested and my partners were never tested. I asked to be tested at some point but the doctor said they only tested if they saw lesions. I was younger and uneducated at that point so I didn't know I could be tested for antibodies. So it is possible that I've had it before him, but I have never dated anyone in the past that had cold sores (unless they were asymptomatic carriers) and no one in my immediate family has cold sores (also unless they are asymptomatic).

 

I can never be sure, but I do think I got it from my husband. Ocassionally I have certain symptoms that I believe are similar prodrome symptoms like tingling and itching around my lips, but never becomes a lesion. Sometimes I get pimples around my mouth that take a long time to heal and I sometimes wonder if those are cold sores.