Controlling or very opinionated?

[Seraphim]

I'm not disagreeing though I do think people are really, really quick to throw around the word abusive here. Remember we are talking about a 17 year old here. Did you have the kind of perspective to walk away from someone you love over this kind of thing when you were 17?

Just remember 16-year-old girls are just as paranoid about their looks as 16-year-old boys are about their sausage.

[nutbrownhare]

Just remember 16-year-old girls are just as paranoid about their looks as 16-year-old boys are about their sausage.

 

It's often struck me as ironic that the people who need to wear makeup the least - those gorgeous young gels! - are the ones who tend to wear the most. It IS a security blanket, and they're perfectly entitled to it!

[Seraphim]

It's often struck me as ironic that the people who need to wear makeup the least - those gorgeous young gels! - are the ones who tend to wear the most. It IS a security blanket, and they're perfectly entitled to it!

 

Absolutely and as a 16-year-old girl I wore a ton of make up and you're right it is a security blanket because you're terrified. Even as a three-year-old girl you have already figured out that society only values you for your looks. And just as many 16-year-old boys have come on here with penis threads feeling that they are inadequate.

[mustlovedogs]

OP, I think it would have been fair to mention to her once that she is beautiful without all the extras, but doing so many times is trying to change her. I have friends that legitimately enjoy makeup. It's fun to them. They love watching the YouTube contouring videos and all that. If she's not wearing it as a security blanket but because she enjoys it, it's not fair of you to try and change it.

[agent1607307371]

I'm not disagreeing though I do think people are really, really quick to throw around the word abusive here. Remember we are talking about a 17 year old here. Did you have the kind of perspective to walk away from someone you love over this kind of thing when you were 17?

 

Actually, there's a big push in the UK right now making young people aware of what it abusive in a relationship. Because once people are used to being treated like this as as teen, or treating people like this as a teen, they carry these behaviours forward into their adult relationships.

 

Which is why I pointed out to the OP that he is at the best stage to look at his choices and behaviours and choose differently going forward.

 

And berating someone for something they're wearing until they're crying, just because you don't like it even though it's how they've alwats dressed is one of the classics in the abusive songbook. So yes, maybe its better he hears this now.

[nutbrownhare]

To the OP; you may find this article clarifies things for you: [url="

[TMifune]

Just remember 16-year-old girls are just as paranoid about their looks as 16-year-old boys are about their sausage.

 

Sure. But he's not saying "you don't look good enough"....he's actually saying "you don't need all that to be beautiful".

[missmarple]

he's actually saying "you don't need all that to be beautiful".

 

I doubt that was all he said, considering the girl had a break down. Also, when something is repeated again and again and again (like he's said he's done), even the strongest person will be affected psychologically...and we're talking about a 16yo girl and he's probably her first relationship.

 

The OP needs to understand that when we don't like someone's style (because he only mentions style, nothing of essence), we either learn to accept it or we move on..we don't try to change it unless the other person has specifically asked for our opinion or help to change..which isn't the case here. And he needs to understand it now, when he's still very young and he can change his way of thinking..both for his sake and for his future g/fs' sake.

[reinventmyself]

I assume when he met her, she wore makeup and extensions. At this point he signed up for a relationship with a young girl who enjoys her makeup and extensions. Now after the fact he has an issue with it and accuses her of looking for inappropriate attention. Her enjoying dressing up doesn't necessarily mean she has insecurity issues either. She may just enjoy it.

 

My bf tells me I am beautiful all the time without makeup and my hair pulled back, but at no time does he fight me about it and make me feel like I am doing something wrong by getting dressed up. He compliments me when I am dressed up as well. There's a vast difference between a genuine compliment and trying to change someone. If you are smart you can smell the difference.

 

This is what he willingly signed up for, berating her to the point of tears over it after the fact is controlling.

 

I dated a guy a few times who asked me why I never wore really short skirts and 3 inch heels. I had also cut my hair shoulder length at the time and he told me no guy would be interested in me with my hair that length.

Yah. . that was our last date.

 

The core of human nature is wanting to be heard and accepted. It's pretty simple.

[TMifune]

And berating someone for something they're wearing until they're crying, just because you don't like it even though it's how they've alwats dressed is one of the classics in the abusive songbook. So yes, maybe its better he hears this now.

 

The presumption is that that's how she always dressed. OP hasn't actually made that clear. He simply said she likes to dress that way....which really doesn't indicate whether that habit was in place before they started dating, started after, or if it was something she stopped doing when they started dating and has since taken up again. Wouldn't those three situations all mean something a little different?

 

OP actually left out what happened before she "had a big break down" and he couldn't calm her down. You're presuming that he berated her.

 

I don't know....this whole thread reads to me like he gave just enough for people to want to label him as bad, and everyone just filled in the gaps with whatever information justified labeling him as abusive, controlling or a "jerk".

 

The statement "I don't like that" isn't the same as "you'll do what I like" or even "stop doing that".

[Wiseman2]

Of course this part is about jealousy, not tastes 22;6563974]trying to impress people other than me and I get all pissy and usually take it out on her

[TMifune]

I assume when he met her, she wore makeup and extensions.

 

Thank you for at least specifying that this is your assumption. All the other presumptions appear to be presented as facts.

[reinventmyself]

The presumption is that that's how she always dressed. OP hasn't actually made that clear. He simply said she likes to dress that way....which really doesn't indicate whether that habit was in place before they started dating, started after, or if it was something she stopped doing when they started dating and has since taken up again. Wouldn't those three situations all mean something a little different?

 

OP actually left out what happened before she "had a big break down" and he couldn't calm her down. You're presuming that he berated her.

 

I don't know....this whole thread reads to me like he gave just enough for people to want to label him as bad, and everyone just filled in the gaps with whatever information justified labeling him as abusive, controlling or a "jerk".

 

The statement "I don't like that" isn't the same as "you'll do what I like" or even "stop doing that".

Basically what happens is she's a girl that does a lot of makeup, and wears hair extensions and whatnot and who likes to dress revealing. I don't like these things really at all. I have tried to peacefully and non confrontationally express my dislike for these things several times. I enjoy a small amount of makeup but when she puts the fake lashes on and paints her eyebrows on it bothers me. I tell her all the time she looks beautiful in her natural state and that I don't mind a little makeup. I like the basics. The thing is when she does the things like wear hair extensions (which i really dislike and i've told her many times) and wear a lot of makeup it upsets me and makes me feel like she's trying to impress people other than me and I get all pissy and usually take it out on her.[/I]

 

Maybe we are reading different things. .

[Seraphim]

I get all pissy and take it out on her. I have told her many many times I don't like it.

 

 

I don't that is telling her she is beautiful without makeup .

[Seraphim]

If he wants a girl who wears minimal makeup he needs to find a girl who wears minimal make up not berate and try to change a person .

[Clinton]

Reread his post. I don't think we're assuming much.

[TMifune]

Reread his post. I don't think we're assuming much.

 

Of course you don't. You've already judged him (and as previously mentioned insulted him). Why should a little thing like his actual testimony get in the way. Just fill in the gaps with whatever you think happened and hang him.

 

I do truly hope that if you're ever on trial you get a jury that's more discriminating between the facts actually presented and the facts that they've conjured to create the story they want.

[reinventmyself]

Of course you don't. You've already judged him (and as previously mentioned insulted him). Why should a little thing like his actual testimony get in the way. Just fill in the gaps with whatever you think happened and hang him.

 

I do truly hope that if you're ever on trial you get a jury that's more discriminating between the facts actually presented and the facts that they've conjured to create the story they want.

 

Goodness TM.

All we have is the information provided. We can speculate all we want.

If someone asks for opinions, that's what they'll get.

The same argument can be made for every single post on here.

I am glad the OP has an advocate in you.

[Michael22]

Alright well i'm going to try to clear up the assumptions here. First off i never tell her to do anything. Everything she does is completely her choice. Her breakdown last night is because I told her that if she didn't shave down there that I wouldn't want to go down there. I was not berating her or calling her names or anything. This is not her first relationship, she's been ed over several times and been in an abusive relationship in the past. I try to do what is right with her. i'm just having trouble with some things and I really wanted to go somewhere for help. I didn't come here to be ridiculed and insulted. Thank you.

[Michael22]

Also the extensions were purchased after we began dating. Even after i told her it would probably cause problems.

[Wiseman2]

You really need to find a new gf.

Her breakdown last night is because I told her that if she didn't shave down there that I wouldn't want to go down there.

[Clinton]

Of course you don't. You've already judged him (and as previously mentioned insulted him). Why should a little thing like his actual testimony get in the way. Just fill in the gaps with whatever you think happened and hang him.

 

I do truly hope that if you're ever on trial you get a jury that's more discriminating between the facts actually presented and the facts that they've conjured to create the story they want.

 

I stand by what I've written. Nothing I've read subsequently, including what he just posted, changes my opinion.

 

If you disagree, that is your prerogative.

[Seraphim]

I agree get a new gf. Get one that already fits what you like. If you told me how to wear my hair, what I can have on my face and to shave my .... or you are not having sex with me you would be gone like yesterday.

 

You don't get to tell someone else how to have their body.

[Seraphim]

And I am sure her parents would love you if they knew you tell their daughter what to shave and that you are having sex with her.

[Michael22]

Well I guess i have to say it again. I don't tell her to do anything. All i do is express my opinion. She doesn't have to make any change at all. She chooses to. Sure if our opinions go against eachother i'll be a little upset but i always get over it in a bit.