Why am I not okay with my boyfriend being attracted to other women?

[serene6]

I would not necessarily say I have bad self esteem. I know I'm pretty but I'm never satisfied with my weight. My boyfriend knows this. He is an attractive guy, brown hair, blue eyes, 6'2, and physically fit. We have known each other for almost a year and we've been in a long distance relationship for 6 months. We see eachother almost every month at least once. The other night, I asked him if he found anyone on his social media attractive. He explained that he did but their looks compared to mine did not mean anything. He also said it is hard for him to see almost anyone as unattractive. (Didn't know if I should feel insulted or not about that). Anyway, this has just turned into a huge argument since he took drastic measures and deleted all of his social media "so it would not be an issue". By the way, I never said "delete your social media" or "delete all the women on there". I don't want to feel so crappy about what he said but regardless, I'm still hurt by what he said. Is this normal to feel hurt or should I suck it up? Things haven't been the best between us either lately, so breaking up has crossed my mind, not just because of this though.

[DoF]

I would not necessarily say I have bad self esteem. I know I'm pretty but I'm never satisfied with my weight.

 

There is your answer. It was certainly the answer for my wife (and me). We were just like you most of our life...until we lost weight and got herself in better shape.

 

Our insecurity and self esteem issues are almost completely gone/none existent.

[Ms Darcy]

It doesn't sound like there's much of a future to this relationship. You are insecure and the two of you are long distance AND not getting along.

[Wiseman2]

When you play "mirror, mirror on the wall" you may not always get the exact answer you are looking for. Yes, of course he deleted his social media "so it would not be an issue", because it became one.

I asked him if he found anyone on his social media attractive.this has just turned into a huge argument since he took drastic measures and deleted all of his social media "so it would not be an issue".

[serene6]

I don't want you to think I asked him to boost my ego or anything. I asked because he has constantly been liking and commenting on pictures. Sorry if you thought I did it for positive feedback.

[Pixels]

Your boyfriend sounds like a spineless coward...

 

You asked if he thought other people were attractive... You could be the physical manifestation of beauty created in his perfect fantasy, and his answer would still be yes...

 

The fact that you're not some customized prize-pig means it's almost guaranteed there's a few hundred women he's seen, and probably a couple dozen he's met or knows, that he'd totally get with over you based on looks alone (unless you're in the top 5% and happen to date a guy with such specific interests).

 

Also, deleting social media just to appease your insecurity? Pretty spineless...

 

Look... If you want to feel like a prized piece of meat, go stand in a line-up of internet brides and let the guy pick you out with no alternate motives...

 

If you want a guy who actually values you as a person, face the reality that you're probably top-of-the-bell-curve in terms of looks to him (maybe shifted towards the upper-percentage), and that's totally fine.

 

Cause hey, you're more than just an ass, pretty face, and pair of ... Right?

 

If you yourself don't think I should have any reason to be with you besides your body, why expect me to think any higher of you?

[Wiseman2]

Nonetheless...it was obviously a rhetorical question that led to drama. Just curious why after 6 mos. it became long distance and if the issues began then?

I asked because he has constantly been liking and commenting on pictures.

[Ms Darcy]

There is your answer. It was certainly the answer for my wife (and me). We were just like you most of our life...until we lost weight and got herself in better shape.

 

Our insecurity and self esteem issues are almost completely gone/none existent.

 

You can be thin and insecure. You can be heavier and completely secure. It depends on your mindset.

[Ms Darcy]

When you play "mirror, mirror on the wall" you may not always get the exact answer you are looking for. Yes, of course he deleted his social media "so it would not be an issue", because it became one.

 

This is really brilliant!

[Wolfshook]

Wow, I will tell you a little secret, men will look, men will notice hot chick but that doesnt mean he is not attracted to you or that he would do anything with girls he thinks are hot. I believe that girls notice hot guys too..

[Ms Darcy]

I don't want you to think I asked him to boost my ego or anything. I asked because he has constantly been liking and commenting on pictures. Sorry if you thought I did it for positive feedback.

 

What comments did he make on pics?

[Fudgie]

Never ask a question that you can't handle the answer to. You have major insecurity problems and you asked him if he thought anyone on social media was cute? Why would you do that to yourself?

[serene6]

It was usually a "cute" or the heart eyes emoji. Nothing severely concerning but it was just enough for me to ask where his mind was.

[serene6]

I recently moved to Kansas from Illinois but will be going back to Illinois, which is where he is from, for college in August.

[Seraphim]

People are going to find other people attractive,period. Doesn't mean he wants to be with them.

[DoF]

Wow, I will tell you a little secret, men will look, men will notice hot chick but that doesnt mean he is not attracted to you or that he would do anything with girls he thinks are hot. I believe that girls notice hot guys too..

 

I thought this was part of nature.

[crowleysgirl]

This is ridiculous! Yes, you need to suck it up buttercup! Why would you even ask him a question like that? Even if he said no, you could be 100% sure that's a lie.

 

Seriously, it doesn't matter how drop-dead gorgeous you are, cos you can't stop other women from being just as beautiful too. This was such a pointless thing to ask and worry about. I also find it weird that he deleted his social media just to appease You (yes I know you didn't actually ask him to). If I were in his position, I don't think I would even put up with that kind of question, because there is no right answer.

[DancingFool]

I'm pretty sure if a totally hot guy walked by and flashed a smile at you, you would notice. That doesn't mean that you would run after him and hop into his bed. So give your bf at least some basic benefit of the doubt. If you can't, then you are basically putting your bf at the same level as a dog in heat and humping anything that moves.....kind of insulting if you think about it......

 

Being so concerned with how other women look is your own deep personal insecurity and something you need to work on hard. Looks will only get you so far. The rest is personality and connection between two people. If the connection is not there, looks mean nothing.

 

Anyway, instead of focusing on something meaningless and superficial, you really ought address whatever more serious issues you two are having that's making the relationship not so good.

[greta96]

His only fault was being honest with you.

Asking people (men and women) whether they find others attractive is one of the most pointless things one could do, because the honest answer is always YES - whether they admit it or not. It's human nature. Nobody gets sudden blinders just because they enter a relationship, we all have eyes and those eyes will be used as long as we are alive. We will all, always, find other people attractive, but that doesn't mean we will dump our significant others over that.

 

I think the guy made a mistake by deleting his social media over this, it was the absolute wrong way to handle the issue and it will not work in the long run. What will he do next, kill all the attractive women that will cross his path from now on, just because you will make them an issue due to your insecurities?

 

Unfortunately it doesn't sound to me like this relationship will stand the test of time. I really think you should first spend some time single and work on yourself and your issues before entering your next relationship.

[boltnrun]

His only fault was being honest with you.

Asking people (men and women) whether they find others attractive is one of the most pointless things one could do, because the honest answer is always YES - whether they admit it or not. It's human nature. Nobody gets sudden blinders just because they enter a relationship, we all have eyes and those eyes will be used as long as we are alive. We will all, always, find other people attractive, but that doesn't mean we will dump our significant others over that.

 

I think the guy made a mistake by deleting his social media over this, it was the absolute wrong way to handle the issue and it will not work in the long run. What will he do next, kill all the attractive women that will cross his path from now on, just because you will make them an issue due to your insecurities?

 

Unfortunately it doesn't sound to me like this relationship will stand the test of time. I really think you should first spend some time single and work on yourself and your issues before entering your next relationship.

 

Funny you should mention this because I just saw an episode of CSI where a husband and wife team did just that.

 

Yes, all of us will always notice. But that doesn't mean we're going to pursue anyone.

 

My cousin's husband posts pics on Facebook of women (celebrities usually) whom he finds attractive, usually with a few words about how attractive the woman is. I personally think that's borderline disrespectful, but my cousin is obviously not worried. She's secure.

[Pixels]

Funny you should mention this because I just saw an episode of CSI where a husband and wife team did just that.

 

Just as long as you realize such shows are cesspools of disconnected human-interpretation by writers who obviously suffer from some form of social retardation...

[Ms Darcy]

It was usually a "cute" or the heart eyes emoji. Nothing severely concerning but it was just enough for me to ask where his mind was.

 

OK - yeah, there was nothing too severe here. I think you would have had a valid point if he was saying "Hey gurl, you look good. Call me at ..."

[superfan]

....So I take it that you don't find ANY other men attractive at all???

[boltnrun]

Just as long as you realize such shows are cesspools of disconnected human-interpretation by writers who obviously suffer from some form of social retardation...

 

Um, yeah. I realize TV is fake. But thanks.

[notalady]

It was usually a "cute" or the heart eyes emoji. Nothing severely concerning but it was just enough for me to ask where his mind was.

 

Maybe it's just me, but I think that's inappropriate for a man in a relationship (and same applies for the woman, she shouldn't be making such comments either to men). The question you should be asking isn't whether he finds other women attractive (of course he does, we will all at some point find other people than our partners attractive, it is inevitable), it is, I'm uncomfortable with your comments on Facebook to other women and the implication that you're lusting after them (eg heart eyes). Then establish appropriate boundaries that you can both agree upon. No need to fight or argue or seem insecure, it is simply a matter of agreeing on boundaries.

 

Having said that, I know a couple of guys on my Facebook who ALWAYS like / comment on photos of hot girls, that's just their thing and that's who they are, and I know others who never do these kinds of things. It simply reflects that these men have different values to me and perhaps a higher tendency for wandering eyes, and personally I wouldn't date guys like this because our values misalign.