I don't feel as if I can talk to my boyfriend about my feelings?

[Butterflyxx]

My boyfriend is sort of insecure in the way that if I tell him or bring up a negative issue in our relationship, for example he's an Xbox fan and he plays it a lot and sometimes he ignores my messages or we don't have much of a conversation on a night because of it and I end up feeling a bit upset and lonely because we only see one another once a week and for the rest of the day we are at school or busy due to going to university in September.

Whenever I tell him how I feel, he distances himself from me as he feels as if he's doing a bad job at making me happy in the relationship and we've broken up because of this before because he feels as if I deserve better.

We are back together and sometimes (not as much as before), he makes me feel a bit lonely or as if he doesn't want to talk to me, and we used to call a lot at night but we don't as much anymore, and I feel as if I can't tell him how I feel in fear that he will begin to feel insecure and like he's not doing a good job, and distance himself again. He has said that he wants to know if ever I worry about something but I always know deep down if I do tell him, for example if I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me as much, or if I feel unwanted etc, I know full well that will damage our relationship, and he'll distance himself.

It doesn't particularly make sense because if it was the opposite way around and he felt lonely or insecure, id do everything I could to stop him feeling that way, but instead he just retreats.

What do I do? I always feel absolutely terrible if we have a conversation regarding him 'not doing a good job' as in the back of my mind I can't help but feel terrible in case he starts to distance himself again.

The reason why he's like this is because he doesn't have a high self esteem, and he feels as if I deserve better than him, and if I start to feel insecure he worries that I'll meet someone who will make me secure, so instead he distances himself.

His ex girlfriend before me was incredibly demanding and expected so much out of him, and he told me that it left him feeling rubbish about himself.

[Andrina]

Never text about important issues. Save important discussions for in person conversations. Perhaps the problem is how you express your needs. If your way of doing it is "You never do this. You make me so mad when . . . Why can't you . . . , etc."

It's best to give someone concrete examples of what you want. It's better to use "I" sentences, and keep things in a positive context, such as: I'd like to turn the the t.v./xbox off while we eat dinner. I want to find out about how your classes are going. I want to try some new things with you. Let's go hiking on Saturday. It makes me so happy to hear your voice on the phone. I'd like you to call me every night so I can find out how your day went. When we argue, I'd like to avoid calling each other names. That causes bitterness and I want to build a beautiful life with you.

 

If none of those types of things work, maybe come to terms that you two aren't compatible. You can care about someone, but it doesn't mean they are the right person for you. If you don't feel like a priority, and you are upset more than content, maybe it's time to move on. On again off again relationships mean that one or both people were wiling to walk away instead of working tooth and nail to work things out. When you get some distance from the relationship, you might ask yourself why you stayed so long. Take care.

[Butterflyxx]

Thank you for your response Andrina. I do think that when I confront him about certain issues I don't think about what I'm saying before I say it, I don't allow myself to take a step back and think about the situation before I say it, resulting in him feeling rubbish about himself. I'm trying to work on that aspect, and so far it's going well.

Thank you once again, and take care.

[faraday]

You can't make someone change. If you've told him you want more communication from him, and he hasn't picked up the phone...he just doesn't want to call you. And asking him repeatedly will come across as nagging.

 

So...you have two choices. Either say, "I'm okay taking whatever attention you can give me."...and you do that without complaint...or you say, "I deserve to be with someone who is as excited about me and crazy about me as I am with him." And walk away to go find that guy.

 

You two are so young. It's extremely unlikely that you'll end up together long term. Personally, I would use this to learn what you don't want in a relationship, and find one where you learn what you do want.

[Tanzi]

My boyfriend is sort of insecure

 

To be honest he doesn't sound insecure .... he just sounds like a lazy boyfriend. He distances himself because it's easier than having a conversation with you that he doesn't want to have. He also does a good job of spinning things around so that you end up feeling terrible for making him feel bad. How you are feeling then gets forgotten. If he really was concerned that you deserved better he could quite easily put in a bit more effort to become the bf he thinks you deserve but he'd rather just back away.

 

Maybe his ex-gf wasn't as demanding as he suggests. Maybe she just wanted the same thing that you do ... and maybe what he sees as a relationship is different from what you see as a relationship.

 

The bottom line is you want more than he is prepared to give and you're going to have to decide whether that is what you really want because he probably isn't going to change anytime soon and it is something you can change.

[faraday]

I also wanted to add: I've dated the guy that avoided me when I would bring up issues. I actually stuck around hoping he would grow up (change), and we had a child together and got engaged. He never grew up. We have an eight year old...and when I bring up an issue I have he STILL avoids me for days.

 

Guess what? I'm engaged to someone else. Because...being in a relationship with someone that makes you feel invisible...doesn't make for a happy, long term relationship. You can't change someone. No amount of hoping...or trying to approach conversations differently, or positive reinforcement...will make someone change (who doesn't want to change).

 

This is him. Accept it. Or find someone more compatible.

[Butterflyxx]

Blue68, I cannot agree more.

He is a lazy person, in his school work, with his family, friends and with me.

If ever he had any worries or concerns about our relationship or felt like i was making him feel a certain way, I'd feel bad about making him feel that way, and then do everything I possibly could to fix the situation, but instead he felt as if it was easier to take the easy way out= become distant until we broke up.

[Butterflyxx]

Faraday, I'm glad to know you're engaged to someone who doesn't make you feel like that! I don't think he will change. In fact, he started to 'care' when he thought I was moving on.

[Tanzi]

Blue68, I cannot agree more.

He is a lazy person, in his school work, with his family, friends and with me.

If ever he had any worries or concerns about our relationship or felt like i was making him feel a certain way, I'd feel bad about making him feel that way, and then do everything I possibly could to fix the situation, but instead he felt as if it was easier to take the easy way out= become distant until we broke up.

 

Ah, well, if that is him, it is doubtful that he is going to change any time soon. You two just aren't compatible. This relationship won't fulfill you. All the while you remain in this relationship you will continue to feel "sad and lonely". You deserve to be with someone who can give you back what you give them and he will be far better suited to someone who is equally as lazy as him!

[j.man]

I'm assuming this is the same high school boyfriend? If he wants to play his XBOX, let him play it. Find a guy who's more interested in playing house. He's more interested in playing Call of Duty than he is meeting attention quotas and getting nagged.

 

Seriously, you've been posting about this kid for like a year. Venture forward.

[Birdie]

Oh no is this the same guy?!?

[Butterflyxx]

Unfortunately so, Birdie

[boltnrun]

Didn't you guys break up a while ago? For the EXACT SAME issues?

 

See, you got back together and nothing changed.

 

Are you really surprised that nothing changed?

[Birdie]

You knew who he was, you knew you were unhappy and not getting the respect and attention you wanted in a relationship.

 

Don't play a victim. You chose to settle and get back together with him. Sorry but what did you expect?!

[CyntralTime]

My boyfriend is sort of insecure in the way that if I tell him or bring up a negative issue in our relationship, for example he's an Xbox fan and he plays it a lot and sometimes he ignores my messages or we don't have much of a conversation on a night because of it and I end up feeling a bit upset and lonely because we only see one another once a week and for the rest of the day we are at school or busy due to going to university in September.

Whenever I tell him how I feel, he distances himself from me as he feels as if he's doing a bad job at making me happy in the relationship and we've broken up because of this before because he feels as if I deserve better.

We are back together and sometimes (not as much as before), he makes me feel a bit lonely or as if he doesn't want to talk to me, and we used to call a lot at night but we don't as much anymore, and I feel as if I can't tell him how I feel in fear that he will begin to feel insecure and like he's not doing a good job, and distance himself again. He has said that he wants to know if ever I worry about something but I always know deep down if I do tell him, for example if I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me as much, or if I feel unwanted etc, I know full well that will damage our relationship, and he'll distance himself.

It doesn't particularly make sense because if it was the opposite way around and he felt lonely or insecure, id do everything I could to stop him feeling that way, but instead he just retreats.

What do I do? I always feel absolutely terrible if we have a conversation regarding him 'not doing a good job' as in the back of my mind I can't help but feel terrible in case he starts to distance himself again.

The reason why he's like this is because he doesn't have a high self esteem, and he feels as if I deserve better than him, and if I start to feel insecure he worries that I'll meet someone who will make me secure, so instead he distances himself.

His ex girlfriend before me was incredibly demanding and expected so much out of him, and he told me that it left him feeling rubbish about himself.

 

It is obvious he isn't ready for a relationship. People who are ready for a relationship don't behave this way.

[Capricorn3]

You knew who he was, you knew you were unhappy and not getting the respect and attention you wanted in a relationship.

 

Don't play a victim. You chose to settle and get back together with him. Sorry but what did you expect?!

 

I totally agree. You can't seem to accept that this is who he is - nothing has changed and nothing will change, at least not in the foreseeable future. You were so unhappy with him, break up and then you go right back for more of the same treatment?? Does that make any sense to you at all?

 

Two people who are on completely different pages. You two are incompatible and it will never work. Ever. End it once and for all, then stay single and sort yourself out before getting involved with someone else.