Is this forgivable?

[icemaiden]

Would love some help and advice from anyone who thinks they could offer words of wisdom.

 

I have been with my partner for almost four years and last year we got engaged. Honestly, it scared me a bit when he first asked me to marry him. I am not the most affectionate of people and I think where I had a difficult upbringing and my parents had a very dysfunctional marriage, I have never been good at opening up and falling in love with people.

 

After a rough patch we went through a while back, things have never quite been the same between the two of us. I find it hard to be intimate with him and I often feel that we’re more like flatmates than partners as he works such long hours we don’t get to see a lot of each other.

 

To cut a long story short, someone who I work with began to show me a lot of interest recently and after a night out where we both had a lot to drink, we ended up kissing. The next day I felt so upset and guilty, I had to leave work and after that point I tried to cut ties and ignore him.

 

Since then we have emailed and messaged a lot and he was told me that he has fallen for me. We’ve been out two further times and ended up getting intimate (lots of kissing and groping). We haven’t taken it any further than that but I feel it has become more of an emotional ‘affair’ where we have been talking a lot and spending time together outside of work.

 

I know what I have done is awful, I shouldn’t be seeking attention elsewhere when engaged to someone and I feel terrible but, at the same time, extremely confused. The guy I work with has said I am with the wrong person and I should be with him. It has put doubts in my head and I question why I have been acting this way.

 

I know that I should forget about this guy and work on my relationship with my partner. Not only is he the most lovely guy who loves me with all his heart, he has been so understanding when I opened up to him and said how I was feeling lately. We have a house and life together and are getting married next year so I know I need to stop being selfish and messing him around. I am trying now to turn a corner and start doing the right thing… I just wanted an outside perspective on things as I feel I have tarnished our relationship and I’m worried I can ever forgive myself properly and move on…

[overthemoon86]

Oh goodness...there are a couple of really WRONG things going on here.

 

I will point out the obvious. You are cheating on your partner. You know what you are doing is wrong and yet you continue to do so. This is a cardinal sin in any relationship and is extremely difficult to recover from. You have completely broken the trust and loyalty in your relationship. You have to consider that telling your partner the truth will end your relationship.

 

Next and probably most detrimental to your career is that you are engaging with someone that you work with. THAT IS A BIG NO NO. Not only are you jeopardizing your relationship, you are putting your job in danger. Do you really know this person you are engaging with? And on top of that if you chose to end it, how will he handle things? How do you know that he is not telling your coworkers what is going on? It is a terrible idea to engage in relationships with people you work with.

 

And lastly, it sounds like you are living with and going to marry a man you have issues with. I am not sure if I would go through with a marriage when you are having so much doubt in the relationship.

 

My recommendation is you stop the affair, pray you don't lose your job or endure shame in the office (or find a new job), post pone the wedding and go into relationship counseling with your partner. Whatever the result of that I think you will feel like you have gone every avenue to see if it will work. But keep in mind the affair may end everything.

[DoF]

You are trying to justify your cheating ways by ignoring issues within your relationship.

 

BIG mistake.

 

You should get a divorce....your husband deserves WAY better than you.

 

You also need to learn the difference between infatuation and love.

[ThatwasThen]

The guy I work with has said I am with the wrong person and I should be with him.

This speaks volumes about his lack of character and his selfish means to an end. If he had any feelings for anyone other then himself, he would have backed off and let you decide whether or not to leave your loving partner without interfering intimately while you made that decision. Instead he interloped in your decision making selfishly trying to get HIS wants met without the least bit of empathy for you or your partner.

 

Its good to read that you are trying to do the right thing. However: I am of the opinion that you will NOT be able to get your and your fiancé's emotional connection back on track without therapy to help you figure out why you would get this involved with someone other then who you loved prior to the interloping taking place. Why your personal and romantic relationship boundaries didn't compel you to stop this "THING" with the guy you are cheating with, in its tracks.

 

The interaction with this guy has tarnished the emotional connection you have with your fiancé but you can get that back if you figure out what it is you need in order to get it. Your partner needs to know what it will take to remedy and unfortunately, at this point, I don't think you even know yourself.

 

Have you at LEAST told the guy at work that this stops now and that you want to be with your fiance? If you haven't then by all means, start by doing that now.

[bulletproof]

You are trying to justify your cheating ways by ignoring issues within your relationship.

 

BIG mistake.

 

You should get a divorce....your husband deserves WAY better than you.

 

You also need to learn the difference between infatuation and love.

 

They're not married. Read the post.

[bulletproof]

 

I know that I should forget about this guy and work on my relationship with my partner.

 

Why? You don't want to be intimate with him and you feel like roommates.

I don't think you should be with either of them. Have you considered being alone?

[j.man]

I wouldn't forgive you if I were in his shoes, but everyone is different.

 

You definitely should postpone the engagement indefinitely and seek couples counseling in the meantime. Also take a good chunk of time to reflect honestly on whether your fiancee is the right guy for you to get married to. Not to suggest there are better or worse scenarios of cheating, but a purely physical thing where you actually did bump uglies just for kicks would actually concern me much less than the emotional venture you've got going on right now.

[icemaiden]

Thank you for your comments

[icemaiden]

You are trying to justify your cheating ways by ignoring issues within your relationship.

 

BIG mistake.

 

You should get a divorce....your husband deserves WAY better than you.

 

You also need to learn the difference between infatuation and love.

 

Thank you for your comment but you clearly haven't even read my thread properly, I am not married to my partner, we are engaged for a start.

 

I have noted myself that I have avoided dealing with issues in my relationship but that is why I am trying to work on them now instead of turning to someone else for emotional gratification.

 

I know what I have done is wrong, I hold my hands up to it but I haven't slept with the other guy, I have kissed him. That doesn't make it right but I think your comment is extremely harsh. You have clearly never made mistakes before and, therefore, are a much better person than me I'm sure.

[lostandhurt]

The only person that can answer your question is you. Is this who you are? A cheater? A liar?

 

First off tell this loser at work to not contact you ever again. No texts, emails, notes or anything. And do you seriously want to be with a guy like this?

 

I don't see any reason to break your fiancés heart by telling him you have been cheating on him but that is your call. You do need to turn to professional help for your issues though. You freely admit that you are not very loving and affectionate from your dysfunctional upbringing so that needs to be addressed in therapy or you will just keep repeating this over and over again.

 

You are in no emotional shape to commit to a life long relationship at the moment and being used by some guy at work for sex is not helping.

 

If you want to have sex with this other guy at least have the decency to break it off with your fiancé and move out first. You owe him that much don't you think? Also just because there hasn't been any penetration doesn't mean it isn't cheating.

 

Lost

[jimthzz]

You are trying to justify your cheating ways by ignoring issues within your relationship.

 

BIG mistake.

 

You should get a divorce....your husband deserves WAY better than you.

 

You also need to learn the difference between infatuation and love.

 

Thank you for your comment but you clearly haven't even read my thread properly, I am not married to my partner, we are engaged for a start.

 

I have noted myself that I have avoided dealing with issues in my relationship but that is why I am trying to work on them now instead of turning to someone else for emotional gratification.

 

I know what I have done is wrong, I hold my hands up to it but I haven't slept with the other guy, I have kissed him. That doesn't make it right but I think your comment is extremely harsh. You have clearly never made mistakes before and, therefore, are a much better person than me I'm sure.

 

It won't do you any good coming here looking for advice if you are defensive.

 

Yes, you were told something blunt. but take it in the spirit of trying to get you to own your mistake. Mistake is too lukewarm of a term when it comes ti cheating.

 

Admittedly, a kiss while engaged is a lesser offense than full on intimacy while married.

 

I suggest that you straighten out what you want in life BEFORE marry. It would not be fair to your fiance to not let him know you are behaving with a bit of ambivalence currently.

 

Give him a chance to decide if he wants to commit to someone not fully committed to him.

[ThatwasThen]

Why? You don't want to be intimate with him and you feel like roommates.

I don't think you should be with either of them. Have you considered being alone?

 

Having feelings of NOT wanting to be intimate with two people at the same time is quite common. Once she chucks the chuckler that is a selfish ass for intruding in on their relationship, it's more likely then not, her libido for her fiancé will renew itself. Then with therapy, she may just figure out why she would let down personal and romantic relationship boundaries when she should have been working through whatever it is that is missing in HER to allow the imploding of said boundaries.

[icemaiden]

This speaks volumes about his lack of character and his selfish means to an end. If he had any feelings for anyone other then himself, he would have backed off and let you decide whether or not to leave your loving partner without interfering intimately while you made that decision. Instead he interloped in your decision making selfishly trying to get HIS wants met without the least bit of empathy for you or your partner.

 

Its good to read that you are trying to do the right thing. However: I am of the opinion that you will NOT be able to get your and your fiancé's emotional connection back on track without therapy to help you figure out why you would get this involved with someone other then who you loved prior to the interloping taking place. Why your personal and romantic relationship boundaries didn't compel you to stop this "THING" with the guy you are cheating with, in its tracks.

 

The interaction with this guy has tarnished the emotional connection you have with your fiancé but you can get that back if you figure out what it is you need in order to get it. Your partner needs to know what it will take to remedy and unfortunately, at this point, I don't think you even know yourself.

 

Have you at LEAST told the guy at work that this stops now and that you want to be with your fiance? If you haven't then by all means, start by doing that now.

 

Thank you for your comment, so much of it makes sense! Your first point is true, I know I am solely to blame but having someone constantly putting doubts into your head is really difficult to cope with, particularly when you are going through a rough patch in a relationship.

 

Yes I have said to him that it needs to end and he agreed, although continued to email me which I ignored.

 

I know that I need help sorting myself out. I truly believe I have a lot to work on and figure out about myself before I can be the person I want to be in a relationship. I really hope I can work things through with my partner and try to put my past and my stupid mistakes behind me.

[bulletproof]

Having feelings of NOT wanting to be intimate with two people at the same time is quite common. Once she chucks the chuckler that is a selfish ass for intruding in on their relationship, it's more likely then not, her libido for her fiancé will renew itself. Then with therapy, she may just figure out why she would let down personal and romantic relationship boundaries when she should have been working through whatever it is that is missing in HER to allow the imploding of said boundaries.

 

Depends on which came first, the feelings of not wanting to be intimate or the appearance of someone else. Sounded to me like she had the "rough patch" and the loss of desire prior to meeting the coworker, but only the OP can clarify that.

[greta96]

Your lover sounds like a real piece of work...

No, what you did isn't forgivable to the vast majority of the population, because you did it repeatedly and with premeditation, it didn't "just happen" (not that it would have been much better if it "just happened"). Now of course there will be people out there able to forgive cheating, but I don't know if your fiancé is one of them, you know him better than me.

 

I think you're holding on to your fiancé because he is safe and you know what to expect with him, but I don't think you love him the way a future bride should love her husband-to-be.

So, why marry him only to divorce later on, or to cheat on him left right and center? Wouldn't it be best if you let him go, so he can meet someone else who would be loyal to him and love him properly? You've demonstrated selfishness by doing everything you've done. How about you think of others for a change, and do the right thing for him?

 

As for you, I don't think you should be in any relationship for now, not until you figure out what you really want and why you thought cheating was the best thing to do.

 

Personally I think lover-boy will bail on you as soon as you become single, because he has witnessed your cheating first hand, and he probably isn't stupid enough to willingly put himself in your fiancé's shoes. He won't ever trust you and with good reason. Just like you probably wouldn't trust him all that much either, given his attitude and lack of respect for your relationship.

 

So, take a while and be single. Work on improving yourself. Figure out what you want from life and men. Go for counselling. And once you've got yourself figured out, you will hopefully be able to give someone a healthy relationship. Right now, you can't.

[icemaiden]

Why? You don't want to be intimate with him and you feel like roommates.

I don't think you should be with either of them. Have you considered being alone?

 

I do want to be intimate with him. Without going into details, we went through a pretty traumatic experience as a couple and since that point I have found it harder to be intimate.

 

I agree that if I decided I didn't want to be with my partner I should be alone but I really do want to try and work things through and try to get out relationship back on track if I can.

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you for your comment, so much of it makes sense! Your first point is true, I know I am solely to blame but having someone constantly putting doubts into your head is really difficult to cope with, particularly when you are going through a rough patch in a relationship.

Well, that's why its inappropriate to be telling someone (of the opposite sex especially) about our personal relationship problems. Doing that leads to vulnerability and vulnerability means we are prone to forget boundaries we've had for ourselves and vulnerability leads to letting others in and, then it leads to where you are now. Yes, it takes two to tango but he's the opportunist that took advantage of your vulnerability while knowing very well that you are not free to engage with him... that being said... again, it takes two to tango.

 

Yes I have said to him that it needs to end and he agreed, although continued to email me which I ignored.

You see how he is thinking about himself more then he is you? He is being his selfish, self-absorbed self and not leaving you alone to figure yourself and all this out. He is NOT worth another thought so don't let his emails get through to you and keep you mired in the emotional connection to him. You and your partner deserve better then the crumbs of someone who doesn't have the good grace to bow out of something this inappropriate.

 

I know that I need help sorting myself out. I truly believe I have a lot to work on and figure out about myself before I can be the person I want to be in a relationship. I really hope I can work things through with my partner and try to put my past and my stupid mistakes behind me.

You have remorse which means there is still hope for you and hopefully your relationship. I only believe that because I think you are open to getting personal therapy so that you can talk through this with a trusted confident who will help you to figure yourself out.

 

Good luck going forward.

[icemaiden]

I wouldn't forgive you if I were in his shoes, but everyone is different.

 

You definitely should postpone the engagement indefinitely and seek couples counseling in the meantime. Also take a good chunk of time to reflect honestly on whether your fiancee is the right guy for you to get married to. Not to suggest there are better or worse scenarios of cheating, but a purely physical thing where you actually did bump uglies just for kicks would actually concern me much less than the emotional venture you've got going on right now.

 

You're right. And personally, if I was in his shoes I probably wouldn't forgive me either.

 

I completely understand what I've done is wrong and I agree that even though we haven't had full blown sex, an emotional affair is almost more concerning as it involves feelings.

 

I know that in order to establish whether our relationship is right, I need to give it the attention it deserves and if I know it's not working I will walk away for the sake of my partner.

[icemaiden]

It won't do you any good coming here looking for advice if you are defensive.

 

Yes, you were told something blunt. but take it in the spirit of trying to get you to own your mistake. Mistake is too lukewarm of a term when it comes ti cheating.

 

Admittedly, a kiss while engaged is a lesser offense than full on intimacy while married.

 

I suggest that you straighten out what you want in life BEFORE marry. It would not be fair to your fiance to not let him know you are behaving with a bit of ambivalence currently.

 

Give him a chance to decide if he wants to commit to someone not fully committed to him.

 

 

I can assure you, I wasn't expecting for anything to be sugar coated and I am quite happy to take abuse for what I have done but I would appreciate people reading my post properly before verbally bashing me.

 

I totally agree that I need to get my head sorted before getting married, which is what I am trying to do in resolving things with my partner. I have been brutally honest with him about the situation and I am giving him the opportunity to make a decision on what he wants to do, I wouldn't ever make someone stay with me if they didn't want to.

[icemaiden]

Your lover sounds like a real piece of work...

No, what you did isn't forgivable to the vast majority of the population, because you did it repeatedly and with premeditation, it didn't "just happen" (not that it would have been much better if it "just happened"). Now of course there will be people out there able to forgive cheating, but I don't know if your fiancé is one of them, you know him better than me.

 

I think you're holding on to your fiancé because he is safe and you know what to expect with him, but I don't think you love him the way a future bride should love her husband-to-be.

So, why marry him only to divorce later on, or to cheat on him left right and center? Wouldn't it be best if you let him go, so he can meet someone else who would be loyal to him and love him properly? You've demonstrated selfishness by doing everything you've done. How about you think of others for a change, and do the right thing for him?

 

As for you, I don't think you should be in any relationship for now, not until you figure out what you really want and why you thought cheating was the best thing to do.

 

Personally I think lover-boy will bail on you as soon as you become single, because he has witnessed your cheating first hand, and he probably isn't stupid enough to willingly put himself in your fiancé's shoes. He won't ever trust you and with good reason. Just like you probably wouldn't trust him all that much either, given his attitude and lack of respect for your relationship.

 

So, take a while and be single. Work on improving yourself. Figure out what you want from life and men. Go for counselling. And once you've got yourself figured out, you will hopefully be able to give someone a healthy relationship. Right now, you can't.

 

I wouldn't want my fiancé to just 'forgive' me. But I am hoping that I can earn back his trust through learning from what I have done and ensuring it never happens again.

 

I agree that I put myself in situations in which I was vulnerable to it happening again and for that I was extremely wrong. If it had happened once, that could have just been a one off mistake but I allowed it to continue for too long and that's the why I am feeling so terrible.

 

I also agree that at the moment I am not giving my partner the respect he deserves and I am not treating him as a husband-to-be. That is why I want to work on our relationship, better myself and do right by him.

[HeartGoesOn]

I haven't read every post, but is your fiance aware of all of this? If not, it's very unfair to leave him in the dark, and as he looks forward to his wedding, this certainly is his business.

[Capricorn3]

The only person that can answer your question is you. Is this who you are? A cheater? A liar?

 

First off tell this loser at work to not contact you ever again. No texts, emails, notes or anything. And do you seriously want to be with a guy like this?

 

You do need to turn to professional help for your issues though. You freely admit that you are not very loving and affectionate from your dysfunctional upbringing so that needs to be addressed in therapy or you will just keep repeating this over and over again.

 

You are in no emotional shape to commit to a life long relationship at the moment and being used by some guy at work for sex is not helping.

 

If you want to have sex with this other guy at least have the decency to break it off with your fiancé and move out first. You owe him that much don't you think? Also just because there hasn't been any penetration doesn't mean it isn't cheating.

I agree with this entire post. You definitely need to sort yourself out before even thinking about getting married. I also agree that you are not ready for a life long relationship, so at the very least you should put the engagement/marriage plans on hold for now. Then maybe also go to couples counseling because clearly, there are issues in your relationship.

 

And yes, you are cheating on your fiance. "Lots of kissing and groping" and going out together is definitely up there on the cheating charts. Personally, I feel your fiance deserves to know the truth so that HE is in control of whether he even still wants to be with you. He should have the right to make that decision and know the truth (imo).

[bulletproof]

I do want to be intimate with him. Without going into details, we went through a pretty traumatic experience as a couple and since that point I have found it harder to be intimate.

 

"I find it hard to be intimate with him and I often feel that we’re more like flatmates than partners." This doesn't sound like you want to be intimate with him.

 

Sometimes relationships can be gotten back on track, but it sounds like you're well past that point if you're cheating on him.

[Lester]

IceMaid, if you spend a enough time here reading you will notice your story being repeated over and over.

 

It's the story of putting the actions/routines of love before love itself. (i.e., "We have a house and life together...")

Apartments, houses, bills, chores, work routines, etc., will never create or substitute for life goal plans.

 

You need to sweep all material possessions/routines off the table, and then decide what you want the next 60+ years to look like when you look back on them.

 

Helpful hint:

For any diet to stand a chance, you must decide your goals before you go out the door.

 

The same goes for marriage.

For it to have any hope, you must decide what your really want when untethered. (This can be done in your mind.)

[dave_1966]

Is the guy at work single?