Zero physical affection so far, but she says we're dating...

[Krankor]

OK, so I've been trying to win back a woman who is 9 years older than me who I rebounded/had an affair with 3 years ago. We were extremely hot and heavy back then and she couldn't keep her hands off of me and she was very aggressive in the bedroom.

 

Long story short, she recently broke up with her boyfriend, telling him that she wanted to start seeing me again. After she broke up with him, she texted me wondering why I wasn't being more aggressive with her. We ended up talking on the phone. I told her that she told me to slow down before. She said that she said that when she still had a boyfriend, but that she broke it off with him for me so I have a green light now. So, we've been going out and doing things. Last Sunday (Valentine's Day) she texted me "Happy Valentine's Day" and hinted that she wanted me to take her out to eat, and so I did. We went out furniture shopping yesterday (I need new furniture) and then went back to my place. She sat right next to me and just said "no pouncing mister" while we watched TV. We watched an episode of "Better Call Saul" and then I took her back home. Zero touching, except for when she sat down and used my leg as a support. I have to say, when I dropped her off I felt frustrated. Clearly, this woman has now friendzoned me, even though we've had sex in the past and she was once really into me.

 

Shortly thereafter, she texted me that her daughter had snapchatted my picture to her friends saying "My mom's new boyfriend." One of her friends happens to be my cousin's daughter, and she ID'ed me. This woman called me laughing about the situation. I said "But we obviously aren't really dating." She asked me what I meant, and I mentioned the lack of physical affection. I told her that I enjoy her company but that what we have going I could have with a guy friend or one of my sisters. She said "You need to compartmentalize what happened between us before. I really do like you, but I can't handle just a physical relationship this time around. I already know that you and I are compatible in the bedroom. I'm not worried about that. I just need to know that we can exist together in the real world first." She said that she isn't good with labels and asked what I think is happening. I told her that I think we've started seeing each other but that we are far from boyfriend/girlfriend. She asked if that meant that I wanted to be free to see other women and I told her that I didn't have my eye on anyone else but that we weren't exclusive yet. She said that she didn't want to see anyone else.

 

So I'm confused. She used to be all over me physically, now she's holding back and sexually frustrating me. I don't even need to get her into bed right away, but I at least would like a little physical affection.

[mhowe]

She is resetting the "date meter" to dating again. Not having sex right out of the box.

 

I think several people warned you about being her puppy. She is now retraining you.

[DoF]

You are a cheater, even if things work out she will always know this.

 

I suggest you disengage from this person and find someone completely new......this relationship is too damaged and has too much risk going forward.

[IAmFCA]

You have an opportunity to learn something new here, if you learn it fast.

 

She is dating you for the purpose of building a long term relationship. If you want a long term thing, and think you may want it with her, keep dating her. Make each date an activity - more like museums, bike rides, meals, music. Less like shopping and tv.

 

Use your time together to explore her values, her visions for the future, her way of resolving conflict. Use that time together to explore and share these same traits about yourself.

 

One day, you will feel emotionally intimate with her. On that day, your closeness will motivate you to kiss her.

 

Right now, it's attraction due to lust and self interest, which is how many of us behave most of the time. She is giving you a chance to experience something different, harder to find, and longer lasting when well matched.

[skyhop333]

DoF hit the nail on the head. No good relationship comes from leapfrogging. She broke up with her boyfriend to be with you? In the end it all adds up to this....

 

If they are willing to cheat with you, they already have the notion that it's okay to cheat on you. Fair game.

[DoF]

DoF hit the nail on the head. No good relationship comes from leapfrogging. She broke up with her boyfriend to be with you? In the end it all adds up to this....

 

If they are willing to cheat with you, they already have the notion that it's okay to cheat on you. Fair game.

 

That is correct.

 

And her not taking time to heal/recover after her relationship = she is not very smart.

 

But we already know she is not very smart when she made a choice to get sexual with someone that's in a relationship.

 

If you continue OP, expect this to be a rebound.....or set up for complete failure in the future.

[IAmFCA]

OP,

 

Dating takes practice before you attract and retain the right match. Learn how to date as a way of choosing to invest in someone else, choosing someone worthy of your investment.

 

Most of our dating partners aren't our match. What others say on this thread may be true. First, learn how to date. Then figure out if you want to date her. She is giving you an opportunity to learn with her; take it. Dating is a skill.

[DoF]

OP,

 

Dating takes practice before you attract and retain the right match. Learn how to date as a way of choosing to invest in someone else, choosing someone worthy of your investment.

 

Most of our dating partners aren't our match. What others say on this thread may be true. First, learn how to date. Then figure out if you want to date her. She is giving you an opportunity to learn with her; take it. Dating is a skill.

 

This is great advice.

 

And during early stages, while getting to know someone....stay completely away from intimacy, it will only cloud your mind, speed up your feelings and put your relationship into Overdrive. All unhealthy/bad for early relationship.

 

No intimacy until plenty of time has been invested , person is a great match AND you are in a official relationship with them. Personally the longer the better.....MONTHS at least.

[Krankor]

That is correct.

 

And her not taking time to heal/recover after her relationship = she is not very smart.

 

But we already know she is not very smart when she made a choice to get sexual with someone that's in a relationship.

 

If you continue OP, expect this to be a rebound.....or set up for complete failure in the future.

 

I asked her yesterday if she needed some time to get over her boyfriend. She told me that she hadn't seen him in a month so that there was nothing to get over. It was a strange situation with that guy.

 

I didn't cheat on my girlfriend with her; not really, anyway. What happened was that I was stuck in a really bad relationship. She knew it, and she was gently encouraging me to get out of it, and also hinting that she was interested. Before I texted this woman and went to her house, I told my ex that we were done, through, I couldn't do it anymore, etc. It was too soon, but I don't know if you can really call it cheating.

[Ms Darcy]

Breakups are hard. Whether she says she was happy or not, it's not easy to leave someone. Sometimes, people will use others as a transition (rebound) to help them feel better as they mourn the past relationship. She can't handle affection because she's not looking for a friend right now. She's looking to distract her sadness.

 

The best place to get treated like a princess and not have to put out is a guy who has feelings for you. He's going to put in a lot of effort while you don't have to put in much.

[Ms Darcy]

I asked her yesterday if she needed some time to get over her boyfriend. She told me that she hadn't seen him in a month so that there was nothing to get over. It was a strange situation with that guy.

 

Lol. "Am I a rebound?" Worst. question. ever.

 

Of course she's going to say no ... she was over it ... nothing to get over.

[IAmFCA]

Breakups are hard. Whether she says she was happy or not, it's not easy to leave someone. Sometimes, people will use others as a transition (rebound) to help them feel better as they mourn the past relationship. She can't handle affection because she's not looking for a friend right now. She's looking to distract her sadness.

 

The best place to get treated like a princess and not have to put out is a guy who has feelings for you. He's going to put in a lot of effort while you don't have to put in much.

 

This does sound like what she may be doing.

 

However... taking me to shop for furniture and then to watch an episode of something on tv... what are we, already 15 years into marriage and bored?

[Krankor]

Lol. "Am I a rebound?" Worst. question. ever.

 

Of course she's going to say no ... she was over it ... nothing to get over.

 

Well, like I said before, worst case scenario I'd be returning the favor from 3 years ago.

[IAmFCA]

Well, like I said before, worst case scenario I'd be returning the favor from 3 years ago.

 

Get something out of this by practicing with her what it's like to court someone.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, like I said before, worst case scenario I'd be returning the favor from 3 years ago.

 

I would agree except this seems to be causing you a lot of angst.

[IAmFCA]

I would agree except this seems to be causing you a lot of angst.

 

... because he needs sex to validate that they are dating, which is not the purpose of sex...

[mhowe]

... because he needs sex to validate that they are dating, which is not the purpose of sex...

 

Nor the purpose of dating.

[DoF]

I asked her yesterday if she needed some time to get over her boyfriend. She told me that she hadn't seen him in a month so that there was nothing to get over. It was a strange situation with that guy.

 

She is not smart. It takes good 3-6 months to heal/recover after long term relationship. Sometimes longer.......and during that time one shouldn't be even talking to opposite sex.

 

I didn't cheat on my girlfriend with her; not really, anyway. What happened was that I was stuck in a really bad relationship. She knew it, and she was gently encouraging me to get out of it, and also hinting that she was interested. Before I texted this woman and went to her house, I told my ex that we were done, through, I couldn't do it anymore, etc. It was too soon, but I don't know if you can really call it cheating.

 

You were not stuck in anything. Don't play a victim. You are an adult and have a choice to leave. No one is holding a gun to your head.

 

Sorry, not an excuse.

 

And for a woman to pursuit a man that's involved and hasn't taken time to heal/recover = not smart. Any way you cut it.

 

NEITHER of you are smart, which is probably the reason why you are attracted to each other.

 

We attract who we are!

 

I suggest you take some time off from opposite sex, good 6 months and really reflect on yourself and most importantly LEARN from it. Once ready, start from scratch, NOT with this woman.

[Krankor]

... because he needs sex to validate that they are dating, which is not the purpose of sex...

 

I don't need sex to validate it, but a little affection at least would be nice.

[Sportster2005]

DoF hit the nail on the head. No good relationship comes from leapfrogging. She broke up with her boyfriend to be with you? In the end it all adds up to this....

 

If they are willing to cheat with you, they already have the notion that it's okay to cheat on you. Fair game.

 

Have to agree with skyhop. I would never date someone who left someone for me. You know they are capable of doing it to you, so why would you?

[IAmFCA]

I don't need sex to validate it, but a little affection at least would be nice.

 

If you want something to give you comfort today, right now, she's not your gal. Find someone else for short term benefits.

 

If you find you still want to DATE this woman, then ask her out every 2 or 3 weeks for brunch, a walk, a museum, a game of tennis, etc. Take the more physical woman out at night, AFTER the dinner hour only, and go out for drinks.

 

Take neither woman to dinner or to run errands, ever.

[FlashEng1]

I don't need sex to validate it, but a little affection at least would be nice.

 

So go stand in front of your bathroom mirror, tell yourself with authority "YOU'RE Worth It!" And give yourself a big 30 - 45 sec long hug. Do it daily.

 

If her comment straight up didn't paint the clear picture of what needs to be done.. Then the advice of DoF, MsDarcy, mhowe, IThinkICan is all moot, as it would all be going over your head.

 

Here's the bottom line: You aren't getting any play any time soon... Tell yourself a couple of months, and ask is it still worth it then?? Right now you sound like you're only about sex and getting it in with an old flame, because despite everything you've said from your original post, until now, both you and her have been pretty clear about your intentions and desires: You want to get laid, she wants a real relationship. All the details about who broke up with who and the timing and why, etc.. Is in the past. You have a history with her, learn to use it to your advantage in knowing that yes, your physical chemistry is "awesome," but now it's time to find out if her breakup, and your "rebounding" was all worth it. Start thinking with your other head and decide if you're wanting a serious relationship, OR EVEN AN ATTEMPT at one, or you want to move on and find someone who will give you that physical affection...

 

 

PS... A cliche you may want to read up on, or think about (forgot the books at the moment) is: The more time you spend worrying about something, and attaining it, the farther away it will be.. Whether that be money, women, love... Slow down. Spend your time working on everything mentioned in this thread, and I GUARANTEE YOU (Or your money back!!!!) you will be back together in bed before you know it, but with a much stronger connection, and perhaps with a few surprises throughout... Till' then, stop worrying about it!

[boltnrun]

She didn't break up with him "for" you.

 

You gave her an excuse to break up with him. And she knew she wouldn't have to be "alone", therefore she wouldn't have to deal with any inconvenient feelings of sadness, pain, regret, and especially loneliness. She had trusty old you to mop up the spill.

 

You thought since she broke up with him "for you", she'd be ready and willing to jump right into a relationship with you. But she knew that wasn't going to happen. It's just taking you a bit longer to figure it out.

 

Welcome to confusion and frustration. Not surprising given the circumstances.

[Krankor]

A few things:

 

I honestly don't believe that this is merely a rebound. I could be wrong, and obviously she is just getting out of a relationship, but it honestly wasn't much of a relationship and she doesn't seem to be treating it like a rebound. She's already introducing me to her kids, putting her touches on my place, telling people that we are dating, etc. That just doesn't seem like a rebound, exactly.

 

I know that she didn't exactly break up with her boyfriend for me. She'd been trying to leave him for a while, but would get guilted back into it. I did give her the final nudge she needed to get out of it. If we end up in a long term relationship, she'd probably try to talk to me like she tried to talk to her ex if she had problems. And if she tells me she wants to break up, then so be it. There are reasons why she wanted out of that relationship that hopefully won't exist with me. Nothing is written in stone that this is how she's always going to act.

 

I am fine with waiting and courting her. She is absolutely worth it to me. I just am paranoid about sliding off into the friendzone.

 

I have to say, I appreciate everyone's advice on this board. I appreciate anyone taking the time to comment and weigh in with their honest opinion, which is what I believe everyone has done. However, people have been wrong about her every step of the way so far. At first it was "She's not interested." Then she declared her interest in me. Then it was "She's just using you as someone to spend time with when her boyfriend isn't around. She isn't really interested and probably isn't going to ditch her boyfriend anytime soon." Then she broke up with her boyfriend and let me know right away. Now, it's still "She's not really interested, just rebounding." OK, maybe. Time hasn't sorted that one out yet. But I really think this is a unique situation where a lot of the normal "rules" don't apply. I could be wrong, but I'm hopeful with this woman. There's always a risk that you'll get hurt out in the dating world, no matter who it is.

[Krankor]

So go stand in front of your bathroom mirror, tell yourself with authority "YOU'RE Worth It!" And give yourself a big 30 - 45 sec long hug. Do it daily.

 

If her comment straight up didn't paint the clear picture of what needs to be done.. Then the advice of DoF, MsDarcy, mhowe, IThinkICan is all moot, as it would all be going over your head.

 

Here's the bottom line: You aren't getting any play any time soon... Tell yourself a couple of months, and ask is it still worth it then?? Right now you sound like you're only about sex and getting it in with an old flame, because despite everything you've said from your original post, until now, both you and her have been pretty clear about your intentions and desires: You want to get laid, she wants a real relationship. All the details about who broke up with who and the timing and why, etc.. Is in the past. You have a history with her, learn to use it to your advantage in knowing that yes, your physical chemistry is "awesome," but now it's time to find out if her breakup, and your "rebounding" was all worth it. Start thinking with your other head and decide if you're wanting a serious relationship, OR EVEN AN ATTEMPT at one, or you want to move on and find someone who will give you that physical affection...

 

 

PS... A cliche you may want to read up on, or think about (forgot the books at the moment) is: The more time you spend worrying about something, and attaining it, the farther away it will be.. Whether that be money, women, love... Slow down. Spend your time working on everything mentioned in this thread, and I GUARANTEE YOU (Or your money back!!!!) you will be back together in bed before you know it, but with a much stronger connection, and perhaps with a few surprises throughout... Till' then, stop worrying about it!

 

Thanks, that helped put it into perspective, as did everyone else's posts.