mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 He isn't embarrassed about the strip club. That's another lie! He is embarrassed you CAUGHT him. Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Thank you and I've been to a strip club lol, still don't like them. Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Well I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if his friends found out he went alone to a strip club. I thought 2 years was long enough to know someone's basic morals. I guess not. Link to comment
j.man Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I don't think his friends give two ****s that he went to a strip club, alone or otherwise. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Well I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if his friends found out he went alone to a strip club. I thought 2 years was long enough to know someone's basic morals. I guess not. His guy friends would high five him. If you think most men view going to strip clubs through your lense, you are mistaken. Going to a strip club ---- is a moral issue in YOUR view of the world. It isn't in his. He didn't go against HIS morals by going to a strip club. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 In my opinion most men who like strip clubs will lie to their SO if their SO doesn't approve. Most men will lie about porn knowing their SO doesn't approve. Most men who cheat will lie to their SO other knowing that their SO does not approve. Will these same men lie if they had a SO accepting of their "vices"? Probably not. It is up to you to know your man well enough to understand why he lied and what is he capable of lying about. Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I don't think that everyone views strip clubs like me. He begged me not to tell anyone, that's all I'm saying. Obviously for some reason he didn't want people knowing. Not that I would have told anyone anyways. Other than my best friend. Link to comment
dias Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I think that if you can't let it go , it's better to dump him . Two years is not enough time to get to know somebody very well . Anyhow , as it's being said here if it's a deal breaker for you then just walk away. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I don't think that everyone views strip clubs like me. He begged me not to tell anyone, that's all I'm saying. Obviously for some reason he didn't want people knowing. Not that I would have told anyone anyways. Other than my best friend. I think when he said "anyone" he meant your mother and your gf's. Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 How do you ever know what someone is capable of lying about? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Because they are just dirty places. My stepdad is a recovered alcoholic and he used to go to them all the time and I remember how upset my mom would get. I just don't think it's a place for married men. I feel I'm entitled to my opinion. ... and your personal boundary on the subject is a rigid one. Leave or forget this episode. There is NO other solution unless you stay and get personal therapy to help you overcome the by-product of your upbringing plus couples counselling to help you and he learn how to communicate your needs so that compromise can be accomplished without tearing down of boundaries. Good luck. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I've been trying to focus on going forward but I find myself questioning everything now. He's been being very transparent lately and I don't know, it's still bothering me. I know he loves me and cares about me. I just don't want to keep feeling like this. It takes practice to focus forward. Think of it like driving a car, to move ahead you need to focus ahead. Trying to move ahead by staring at the rear view mirror or at the dashboard or seat will not serve you well and you will not go far smoothly. Focus forward. Sure, you will glance in the rearview mirror, side mirrors, dash, seat, but your important focus is forward. Which looks different from the past. You choose the path, bit by bit, deciding which road you want to take, which turns, what speed, what music…. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 How do you ever know what someone is capable of lying about? You don't until they show you. He has shown you that he will lie in order not to make you upset. So, really --- that leaves the door wide open. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Ironically trust. Your BF likes strip clubs, that is obvious. Now do you think it will lead to hookers? Affairs? Or does he just like strip clubs? but this becomes moot if strip clubs are a deal breaker. If it is about trust then you can move past this if you believe him to be a good man with a kink. I have a lot of kinks that make my gf very insecure, I know it is something that she actively chooses to accept about me. However she doesn't ever doubt my fidelity or attraction to her. Link to comment
dias Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 How do you ever know what someone is capable of lying about? Probably never. People lie . The thing is, is it a deal breaker for you . ? Lying is not always the problem . Would it be different if you found out that he was with a friend and not at a strip club? I assume yes. Here the problem is lying about going to a strip club. Both things count against him Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 However she doesn't ever doubt my fidelity or attraction to her. and, therein lies the rub for the Op. Sadly, she does not have that confidence in her man or the relationship that your gf does. The problem is that he lied to her so that makes her doubt. Thing is, if he told her the truth, she'd be even more insecure in his love and the relationship and that's why he lied. It's quite the paradox... (is that the right word?) Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 and, therein lies the rub for the Op. Sadly, she does not have that confidence in her man or the relationship. That is what I think as well. Although he should have had the confidence to make his case about going to strip clubs and thus avoiding this entirely. Men and women, make your kinks known early and don't lie about it. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 That is what I think as well. Although he should have had the confidence to make his case about going to strip clubs and thus avoiding this entirely. Men and women, make your kinks known early and don't lie about it. Yes... After thinking about it, I mentioned that in a sense in my edit to that quote Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I don't think I'm being rigid. Someone asked why I don't like strip clubs and I said why. I still never told him he cannot go to them. Yet he still lied, mostly to spare my feelings and his but a lie is a lie. I honestly don't think he likes strip clubs all that much. Another reason it was very odd for him. I do believe he's a good man though. I guess I'm answering my own questions now but you've all given me a lot to think about. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Yeah it is a paradox. However if what you like is not detrimental(other than the insecurity part) to the relationship and you tell your partner every time you engage in what makes them insecure, over time they realize that it does not negatively affect the relationship. They become less insecure about it. At least in the case of me and my fiancee. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I don't think I'm being rigid. Someone asked why I don't like strip clubs and I said why. I still never told him he cannot go to them. Yet he still lied, mostly to spare my feelings and his but a lie is a lie. I honestly don't think he likes strip clubs all that much. Another reason it was very odd for him. I do believe he's a good man though. I guess I'm answering my own questions now but you've all given me a lot to think about. You are kidding yourself. He didn't go alone to a strip club when he was out of town, on a Wed night, because he doesn't enjoy them. He figured he could go, have fun and you would never be the wiser. He wouldn't go in YOUR town because the chances of him getting caught, or running into someone who knew him and it could somehow get back to you. He had a free pass. And used it. Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 So if he loves them so much why is he promising to never go again? I never asked him to make that promise. I don't understand men. Link to comment
jimthzz Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I don't think that everyone views strip clubs like me. He begged me not to tell anyone, that's all I'm saying. Obviously for some reason he didn't want people knowing. Not that I would have told anyone anyways. Other than my best friend. Once you tell the best friend, this information will be disseminated among the entire girl world. He knows that. You know that. whether or not you and he agree to move on from this, putting it out there takes a private issue into the community. BTW, I've never gone to a strip club. The idea of sitting in a room with a bunch of men all getting turned on to gyrating naked women is kind of off putting. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 So if he loves them so much why is he promising to never go again? I never asked him to make that promise. I don't understand men. He is telling you what you want to hear. If you want to be with him and not have him lie to you about strip clubs you need to accept that part of him and let him know it. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 So if he loves them so much why is he promising to never go again? I never asked him to make that promise. I don't understand men. Because he's telling you what you want to hear. And he might be afraid you'll check up on him again. And because you're not really giving him any room to say anything else. If he says, yes, I'll go to strip clubs again, alone or otherwise, and there's nothing you can do about it, will you be okay with that? Doesn't sound like it. It's fine to not like strip clubs (although I'm not sure you've ever actually said why except for they're dirty places that remind you of your stepfather- your issue) but the distinction of whether he goes alone or not is purely irrelevant, in my opinion. And again, if he needs to lie and you feel the need to check up on him, how are you open enough with each other to actually marry? Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.