He lied about where he was

[Activeptm]

I honestly don't think he has a NEED to go to strip clubs. I honestly believe if he never went to one again he'd be completely fine with it. He goes to bars and baseball games and other places enough to not worry about it. I am not willing to accept someone that goes to strip clubs ALONE and if i told him this and said i was leaving he would 100% never go again, I know this because I know he doesn't want to lose me. So do I leave him for his own good so he can hang out at strip clubs? That sounds silly to me because I know I'm more important to him than strip clubs. I don't know what else to take from it

[Activeptm]

I have not checked up on him since this and he even offered to give me all of his passwords and I said absolutely not. He's never been secretive before about stuff. I've grabbed his phone to use it many times because mine is always dead and he's never once stopped me.

[journeynow]

So do I leave him for his own good so he can hang out at strip clubs?

 

Wrong question, IMO. You make whatever choice (leave or stay, do nothing or work on issues together) for your OWN good. It's not your place to decide for someone else what "their own good" is.

[journeynow]

He can't change the past, and neither can you. What do you want from him now, at this moment, and going forward?

[mhowe]

So if he loves them so much why is he promising to never go again? I never asked him to make that promise. I don't understand men.

 

Because that is what you want to hear, based on your view of strip clubs.

 

No, it isn't that you don't understand men. You are trying to impose YOUR values on your boyfriend and he is telling you what will make you happy.

 

Do you really think he doesn't like them? Then why go? He didn't go get a pedicure.

[ThatwasThen]

So if he loves them so much why is he promising to never go again? I never asked him to make that promise. I don't understand men.

 

Because he doesn't want to lose your respect which would lead to you losing an emotional connection to one another.

[mhowe]

I honestly don't think he has a NEED to go to strip clubs. I honestly believe if he never went to one again he'd be completely fine with it. He goes to bars and baseball games and other places enough to not worry about it. I am not willing to accept someone that goes to strip clubs ALONE and if i told him this and said i was leaving he would 100% never go again, I know this because I know he doesn't want to lose me. So do I leave him for his own good so he can hang out at strip clubs? That sounds silly to me because I know I'm more important to him than strip clubs. I don't know what else to take from it

 

He likely doesn't have a NEED. He had a DESIRE and he acted on it.

[journeynow]

I am not willing to accept someone that goes to strip clubs ALONE

 

The confusing thing is that you make absolute statements like this, but will not act on them.

 

Confusing for you as much as for everyone else.

 

You've said it is a deal breaker, and you won't accept a person who does it, so…..

[Activeptm]

But why am I such a terrible person for having boundaries then? Why is it so terrible that I don't like strip clubs? Why should I just accept this and move on? If it was something he had an issue with then he'd know how it feels. What if I was grinding on men at the club? How are these things supposed to just be ok?

[fitgirl]

So I have a story for you about my EX husband. It's pretty similar and I'm not sure if their personalities are the same at all or not. When we were engaged, my ex went out of town for work. We lived together for quite a while and shared a bank account, to which both of us contributed. Well one night, he's out of town for work and I get on to reconcile the bank and there is a $700 charge. I knew it wasn't me so I was freaking out, called him and couldn't get an answer all night. I researched the charge and it was from a strip club.

 

The next day he makes up some elaborate lie about how someone stole his debit card, blah blah blah. Total crap. He fessed up once I was about to call the bank and get everything cancelled, because I believed him. It honestly wasn't the strip club that bothered me, but the lying. He honestly did similar things a lot when he was out of town. I still married him because he was always sooo sorry and would never do xyz again.

 

Fast forward to after we have our first child, I find out he's been cheating with a girl for over a year. There were probably others. His mistress thought there was more than just her. He's a pathological liar and it started small to see what he could get away with. Him and I are friends now and he tells me allll kinds of things he gets away with now that he's with other women. It's really sad because I'm sure I was duped plenty of times.

 

The point of this is that dishonesty isn't something that can be cured with love, marriage or anything else. When people try to pull one over on you, they're only upset they got caught. Just be careful and don't think this is something small because it could be the tip of the iceberg of his true character.

[j.man]

I simply refuse to believe you've made it through your 20s and still don't understand that men lie to their women so that they can hear what they want to hear. I can't. I WON'T. My faith in humanity depends on it.

[journeynow]

But why am I such a terrible person for having boundaries then? Why is it so terrible that I don't like strip clubs? Why should I just accept this and move on? If it was something he had an issue with then he'd know how it feels. What if I was grinding on men at the club? How are these things supposed to just be ok?

 

You are not a terrible person. Why do you say that?

[mhowe]

Your boyfriend doesn't share your view of strip clubs.

 

It really is that simple.

[Activeptm]

I know why men lie, honestly I do. I just wish he wouldn't do things he feels he needs to lie about because then it's like, what's next? Because I'm starting to feel like a terrible person for not liking strip clubs, like I should just be ok with it.

[journeynow]

Maybe black and white thinking is tripping you up? You've mentioned that he's a good person, you're a terrible person, and what other people think.

[Activeptm]

He says he hates them "now" obviously because he got caught.

[j.man]

Did you ever actually tell him that strip clubs are off limits? Or does he just know you don't like them?

[ThatwasThen]

But why am I such a terrible person for having boundaries then? Why is it so terrible that I don't like strip clubs? Why should I just accept this and move on? If it was something he had an issue with then he'd know how it feels. What if I was grinding on men at the club? How are these things supposed to just be ok?

That's not what JourneyNow is making a very good point on. The point is not that you have boundaries (boundaries are a good thing) Its The fact that him going to strip clubs and lying is a boundary that you are letting him cross if you don't leave him. You are tearing down your own boundary if you don't honour it.

 

You aren't breaking the deal on this deal breaker of yours so really it's not a boundary. It's just you not liking it or what he did and complaining about it. (that's codependency). If you can't get over it then leave him or get the professional counselling to help you to let go of the need to control and learn to accept (without feeling threatened) him for him. Those are the only choices, really.

 

You can't expect to control someone with your boundaries, you can only control yourself with them. Its their choice whether or not they change to accommodate your ideals.

[mhowe]

"Men" don't lie. YOUR boyfriend lies.

 

My bf tells "little white lies" to avoid confrontations with anyone. It is who he is.

I told him there was nothing he could say or do that would erode my trust in him faster and cause me to end our relationship then to find out he was lying to me.

 

So --- he doesn't. He may tell me things I don't like, but none of them come close to making me think OUR relationship is on shaky ground.

[journeynow]

He says he hates them "now" obviously because he got caught.

 

You give meaning to other peoples actions. You really need to give meaning to your own actions.

[journeynow]

We have boundaries for our own well being. When someone else crosses them it doesn't feel good to us. If we enforce our boundaries, it doesn't feel good to them. But they are there for a purpose. We get to decide if those boundaries serve us or not, if we enforce them or not. If we don't uphold them, then are they really boundaries?

[Activeptm]

I've never made anything off limits. He knew i didn't like them. I'll definitely be going to counseling.

[j.man]

I've never made anything off limits. He knew i didn't like them. I'll definitely be going to counseling.

Wait, so strip clubs aren't actually off limits? So no boundary broken? I'm dead. RIP.

[Activeptm]

I never expected him to go to a strip club alone, I didn't feel the need to randomly come out and say, hey by the way, I prefer if you don't go to strip clubs.

[mhowe]

Wait, so strip clubs aren't actually off limits? So no boundary broken? I'm dead. RIP.

 

Going to a strip club with the guys for a bachelor party isn't a deal breaker and I'm ok with that, going to the strip club alone is a deal breaker.

 

You're back in the game jman.