He lied about where he was

[journeynow]

I never expected him to go to a strip club alone, I didn't feel the need to randomly come out and say, hey by the way, I prefer if you don't go to strip clubs.

 

Expectations trip up couples everywhere. It helps to be aware of them and communicate them.

[j.man]

You're back in the game jman.

But even THAT was never defined as off-limits. She simply never expected it to happen.

 

Bury me next to the boyfriend, another man fallen because his girlfriend presented him with an absolutely no-win situation.

[Activeptm]

So then obviously this is part my fault too. I need to communicate better. I just thought some things were known.

[fitgirl]

So now that I've gone through this thread, it seems like you're pretty insecure about him going to strip clubs, even if you won't say you haven't made them "off limits". I think you're also upset about the lying but mostly because you want to make that the focus, because it's a more reasonable thing to be upset with. I think if he lied about going to have a cocktail at a sport bar and not telling you, this thread would be nonexistent.

 

I know lots of women who are insecure about their men having anything to do with the adult industry (porn, strip clubs, etc) and that is understandable. I would make it known to him that it's a deal breaker for you. You're going to let this one slide, but no more. If he doesn't like that, he's not right for you.

[fitgirl]

So then obviously this is part my fault too. I need to communicate better. I just thought some things were known.

 

Yes. Honestly, people can be clueless about the impact that some things have on their partner. Something can be unsaid and cause major problems, because not everyone has the same level of consideration. You seem to be very considerate so the fact that he's not quite as aware of your feelings probably hurts a lot.

[journeynow]

So then obviously this is part my fault too. I need to communicate better. I just thought some things were known.

 

Communication is important. And listening to the other is part of that, letting them talk freely.

 

I don't care for strip clubs, but I don't see the distinction between going with a group and going alone, I don't see them as different, so that isn't a known to me.

[mhowe]

So then obviously this is part my fault too. I need to communicate better. I just thought some things were known.

 

Telling someone "I hate strip clubs" and expecting that to translate to "I don't want you going to strip clubs" is a huge leap of faith.

Also --- its ok to go if its a bachelor party, but NOT OK to go alone.

What???

 

 

He didn't go with you ---- he went when he was out of town.

 

Again --- you are assuming that your world view is his world view. And it isn't.

[Activeptm]

Thanks fitgirl for understanding, we've already gone over that and he's said he's never, ever going to a strip club again and he has no desire to and all that and I do believe him. But why am I still bothered by it then? I just wonder what else he's capable of lying about. Do I just let it go and hope for the best?

[mhowe]

Thanks fitgirl for understanding, we've already gone over that and he's said he's never, ever going to a strip club again and he has no desire to and all that and I do believe him. But why am I still bothered by it then? I just wonder what else he's capable of lying about. Do I just let it go and hope for the best?

 

Couples counseling to explore what/where else you to have completely different ideas and to find out where compromises need to be negotiated.

[j.man]

Thing is she can't even make it about the lying. She admits that him going alone to the strip club was a completely unspoken deal-breaker. The guy literally could-not-win. And I'm sure he's not completely oblivious to the fact his fiance is the type to go into private detective mode and snoop on him because he has the audacity to return to his hotel past his curfew. What reasonable man in his position would answer the phone with, "Hey, honey. Just gettin' back from the strip club!"

 

This isn't about his lying. I admit I originally thought it was. This is about her pretending that he violated boundaries that were never actually set.

[Activeptm]

Thank you, you're right. It should have been talked about. I am very considerate and I would never go anywhere that I felt the need to lie about so I guess I was expecting that in return. It does hurt.

[DancingFool]

This is not about you allowing or disallowing something. Nobody can ever really control another adult like that.

 

You need to get your own head screwed on straight and answer honestly to yourself the following:

 

My guy likes and will go to strip clubs alone. Is this a deal breaker for me? Yes - dump him. No - carry on and let him know you are cool with that.

 

My guy will lie to me about what he is doing to the point where I go and snoop and find out what I don't want to know. Is this a deal breaker for me? Yes - dump him. No - better buckle up, it will a rough and miserable ride that will end with him telling the next girl what a crazy ex you are.

 

PS - I personally will never get involved with a guy who goes to strip clubs. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having that boundary and I personally enforce it categorically. If I know early on, then he won't even get a date. If I discover later, I'll dump him asap. No arguments, no fights. Decision made long before I ever met him and actions follow.

 

PPS - you do not need counseling to try and convince yourself that you should be OK with strip clubs. There is nothing and I mean nothing wrong with not agreeing with that.

 

Finally, no really, finally - what this really brings up is that you and your bf have seriously different moral values. THAT is a problem in any potential marriage or even lasting relationship. You may not have the same interests and hobbies, but you MUST have the same core values. What this whole thing has brought out is that you two do not.

[fitgirl]

Thanks fitgirl for understanding, we've already gone over that and he's said he's never, ever going to a strip club again and he has no desire to and all that and I do believe him. But why am I still bothered by it then? I just wonder what else he's capable of lying about. Do I just let it go and hope for the best?

 

I think that he knows that he messed up and hurt you. Honestly, if he's good to you and makes you happy otherwise, just have one last conversation about it. Lay out your expectations and possibly explain why strip clubs bother you. He probably has no idea why you feel the way you do. Once you explain your side, set some expectations that you both can agree to, then drop the subject. Don't allow it to ruin the entire relationship.

[Activeptm]

He was texting me about 80% of the time he was at the strip club, probably because he was feeling guilty because we normally don't text that much, then about an hour went by and I heard nothing, he said he was at a pizza place and I could tell he had been drinking so obviously I got worried. There was no curfew. He obviously knew there had to be some kind of a boundary or he wouldn't have lied in the first place!

[ThatwasThen]

Thing is she can't even make it about the lying. She admits that him going alone to the strip club was a completely unspoken deal-breaker. The guy literally could-not-win. And I'm sure he's not completely oblivious to the fact his fiance is the type to go into private detective mode and snoop on him because he has the audacity to return to his hotel past his curfew. What reasonable man in his position would answer the phone with, "Hey, honey. Just gettin' back from the strip club!"

 

This isn't about his lying. I admit I originally thought it was. This is about her pretending that he violated boundaries that were never actually set.

^^^ This ^^^

I think that he knows that he messed up and hurt you. Honestly, if he's good to you and makes you happy otherwise, just have one last conversation about it. Lay out your expectations and possibly explain why strip clubs bother you. He probably has no idea why you feel the way you do. Once you explain your side, set some expectations that you both can agree to, then drop the subject. Don't allow it to ruin the entire relationship.

^^^ and this ^^^ Sums up the whole thread nicely, IMO.

[journeynow]

This is not about you allowing or disallowing something. Nobody can ever really control another adult like that.

 

You need to get your own head screwed on straight and answer honestly to yourself the following:

 

My guy likes and will go to strip clubs alone. Is this a deal breaker for me? Yes - dump him. No - carry on and let him know you are cool with that.

 

My guy will lie to me about what he is doing to the point where I go and snoop and find out what I don't want to know. Is this a deal breaker for me? Yes - dump him. No - better buckle up, it will a rough and miserable ride that will end with him telling the next girl what a crazy ex you are.

 

PS - I personally will never get involved with a guy who goes to strip clubs. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having that boundary and I personally enforce it categorically. If I know early on, then he won't even get a date. If I discover later, I'll dump him asap. No arguments, no fights. Decision made long before I ever met him and actions follow.

 

PPS - you do not need counseling to try and convince yourself that you should be OK with strip clubs. There is nothing and I mean nothing wrong with not agreeing with that.

 

Finally, no really, finally - what this really brings up is that you and your bf have seriously different moral values. THAT is a problem in any potential marriage or even lasting relationship. You may not have the same interests and hobbies, but you MUST have the same core values. What this whole thing has brought out is that you two do not.

 

Good points. The question is: Are you two are incompatible? It could be, which isn't about blame or good person/terrible person. I don't know, but you are allowed to decide, based on the information you glean and as you get to know each other better.

[ThatwasThen]

PPS - you do not need counseling to try and convince yourself that you should be OK with strip clubs. There is nothing and I mean nothing wrong with not agreeing with that.

No, she doesn't need to go to counselling for that. Good thing no one was implying that she should go for that reason.

[Activeptm]

It does sum it up nicely, thank you. I never thought we might be incompatible until this but it could really be just a one time thing and I'd to ruin a good relationship over one thing. I guess I just needed to talk to someone about it.

[mhowe]

He was texting me about 80% of the time he was at the strip club, probably because he was feeling guilty because we normally don't text that much, then about an hour went by and I heard nothing, he said he was at a pizza place and I could tell he had been drinking so obviously I got worried. There was no curfew. He obviously knew there had to be some kind of a boundary or he wouldn't have lied in the first place!

 

Are you his keeper?

[Activeptm]

He freely told me he was at a pizza place.

[fitgirl]

I think your reaction to this situation has been extreme because you didn't expect this out of him. He surprised you and you're probably making a mountain out of a molehill. It's hard when people disappoint us. It makes us question everything. He is human and he can only learn and move forward. It's good that you're working out why you feel the way you do, so you can communicate it better with him.

 

I also agree with J.man that you cannot have some unspoken rule and expect him to know about it. If it's a deal breaker, it has to be clearly spoken and understood. These are things that you're learning before the marriage and I think they're valuable lessons to have a lasting relationship.

[ThatwasThen]

It does sum it up nicely, thank you. I never thought we might be incompatible until this but it could really be just a one time thing and I'd to ruin a good relationship over one thing. I guess I just needed to talk to someone about it.

There you go, Activeptm.

[mhowe]

He freely told me he was at a pizza place.

 

He went silent for an hour, then texted he was at a pizza place ----- and you inferred that he had been drinking and were worried?

 

On what planet does that make sense in an adult, trusting relationship?

[Activeptm]

Thank you fitgirl, I think that you are 100% right. I never expected anything like this from him, ever. He has said no more strip clubs so I should be happy with that but yes it does still hurt. It was an unspoken rule that I just never thought would have been an issue with him and now it is or was. I have made them known now and he was totally ok with it. You all have been helpful and given me a lot to think about moving forward. I don't expect him to be perfect. I just have to learn to trust him again.

[DoF]

Funny how people go insane around here at even a hint of insecurity or jealousy.......yet here we are, strip joints are a deal breaker/very bad.

 

I don't understand. If my wife wants to see some naked dude dance......I have 0 problem with it.