bulletproof Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Because going for a bachelor party is going to be social and hang out with your friends. Going alone just doesn't say the same thing. Okay. What does it say then? Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 That his ONLY reason for being there is to look at half naked women. One of my girlfriends asked me if he's bored sexually and maybe that's why he went. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 He went because: 1. He wanted to 2. He was out of town and thought he wouldn't be caught What does that mean? He has poor impulse control AND doesn't care about your "boundaries" enough to respect them IF he thinks he can get away with it. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 That his ONLY reason for being there is to look at half naked women. One of my girlfriends asked me if he's bored sexually and maybe that's why he went. I think your girlfriend is incorrect. I don't think all the men in strip clubs are "bored sexually." Also, if he's looking at half-naked women but also hanging out with friends, somehow that's okay? I find it interesting that if you are actually thinking he's bored sexually that your solution is to try to create a world where he doesn't see anything else that might excite him sexually. If you're that insecure about your sex life, then why not try to make it better? Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I don't think he's bored sexually, we have sex often and it's not bad, that was what my girlfriend said. I was just saying that these are the things people think when you go by yourself. No one thinks like that when a guy goes with a group of friends. "What does that mean? He has poor impulse control AND doesn't care about your "boundaries" enough to respect them IF he thinks he can get away with it." THIS is what bothers me. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Some men are into strip clubs some are not. You just found out that he is. He is not going to change. So your options are either dump him and find a guy who is not into that or change your own boundaries stay with him and accept that strip clubs will be a part of your future life. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 THIS is what bothers me. It should. So --- you go to couples counseling and see what you can do to mend this OR You accept that this is who he is, and you cancel the engagement/wedding. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I was just saying that these are the things people think when you go by yourself. No one thinks like that when a guy goes with a group of friends. What people? And if you don't agree with her, then why is this even a reason the strip club would bother you? Either way, this isn't about debating strip clubs. If you agree that he has poor impulse control and doesn't care about your boundaries, then leave him. However, be sure that your "boundaries" are fair and that you have a rational reason for them (not just "him going to strip clubs make me feel unattractive"). Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 This is not my first marriage. I was married for 1 year when I was 25. We had our issues but this was not one of them so this is all new to me. I'm just trying to understand what made him lie and what made him go in the first place? I never told him he can't go to strip clubs but he knows I don't like them and he obviously knew that because he tried to hide the fact that he went. I don't know what all of this means. He's not a bad person (obviously or I wouldn't be engaged to him). I know he didn't do it to hurt me on purpose but you just do things that you know are wrong because you think no one will find out. I never would have thought he could be someone that was like that and now he's proved me wrong. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 He lied because he knew you would be upset and he didn't think you could find out. Going wasn't "wrong". Lying because you think you won't be found out is immature and THAT has broken your trust in him. If he had told you he went to a strip club, and listened to you rant and apologized, YOU would be fine. However, his apology would have been meaningless because he went with the full knowledge that going would upset you. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 This is not my first marriage. I was married for 1 year when I was 25. We had our issues but this was not one of them so this is all new to me. I'm just trying to understand what made him lie and what made him go in the first place? I never told him he can't go to strip clubs but he knows I don't like them and he obviously knew that because he tried to hide the fact that he went. I don't know what all of this means. He's not a bad person (obviously or I wouldn't be engaged to him). I know he didn't do it to hurt me on purpose but you just do things that you know are wrong because you think no one will find out. I never would have thought he could be someone that was like that and now he's proved me wrong. I think you're talking in circles. "he knows I don't like them and he obviously knew that because he tried to hide the fact that he went" = "what made him lie" You do understand what made him lie. Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I don't feel unattractive, that's not my issue. I know that I am a beautiful woman. Everyone has boundaries though. He has a very active social life, he isn't being tied down by me at all. His ex girlfriend was extremely controlling and I'm not sure if that made him nervous about how I would feel. I am not an insecure person. He shares his dog with his ex and I have no issues with that, being insecure isn't the issue. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 The fact of the matter is that HE isn't willing to live according to your rules for him. He may consider your "anti-strip club" restrictions unreasonable. You consider them reasonable. You have an impasse. Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 But why go then if you know it's going to make me upset? Why do something that you know you have to lie about? I'm not saying I'm perfect but maybe my past marriage has made me realize that you can't do things like that and expect to have good relationship. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 How long ago did this happen, his visit to the strip club? Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I think you may be right. Link to comment
overthemoon86 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I know I am a little late to chime in, but this whole thing does not sound good...at all. Everyone is debating about going to strip clubs, but this guy went to a strip club by himself on a Wednesday night...that doesn't sound strange to any of you?? I don't have a problem with my boyfriend going to strip clubs, but if he went on a Wednesday night by himself...and then lied about it??? I would seriously reconsider the relationship. And that has NOTHING to do with looking at other people... Listen, you clearly are not okay with this and your fiance knows it...and did it anyway...and then lied. I am sorry, but I think you know what you need to do. Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 It happened about 3 and a half weeks ago. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 But why go then if you know it's going to make me upset? Why do something that you know you have to lie about? I'm not saying I'm perfect but maybe my past marriage has made me realize that you can't do things like that and expect to have good relationship. He went because he didn't expect you to snoop, thus you would not be upset? Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 It happened about 3 and a half weeks ago. Thank you ... Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 But why go then if you know it's going to make me upset? Why do something that you know you have to lie about? I'm not saying I'm perfect but maybe my past marriage has made me realize that you can't do things like that and expect to have good relationship. The short answer is: because he wanted to, and doesn't feel the need to live by YOUR restrictions on his actions. The lying didn't phase him at all. Link to comment
Activeptm Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 So does that make him a bad person? A person that before this, I didn't know? 2 months ago I would have never thought something like this would happen or he would lie to me. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I think the real issue is What are you going to do with this information? Not why he did what he did, that's not the point, but what are you going to do now. Can you focus on that, going forward? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 It makes him a person who is willing to hide things from you and lie to cover it up. THIS is the real him. Actions have consequences. What are the consequences? If you say "this is a one time thing?" do you really believe that, or is it giving him the green light to do as he pleases and lie BETTER to cover it up. At the very least, I would think he is going to change his password and log in because to him, the FAIL happened because you caught the lie. Link to comment
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