Money

[Hm1357]

Hi all. My fiancé and I are having our biggest issue to date and it's a result of receiving a lot of money. To paint the picture, I have a great job with great benefits. I have a masters degree and have always had a strong work ethic. My fiancé did not go to school so he does not have any debt, but he works 50-60 hours a week. We are engaged (with many wedding plans already set) to be married this October. Last weekend, his grandfather gave my fiancé check and said it was for both of us. My fiancé called me from work saying he had incredible, "life-changing" news for me. The check was written to my fiancé, but both our names on the envelope. We were both in shock, and I had a bit of a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because I've always worked for what I have and then to be given something equivalent to half a year's salary made me feel very strange. I called his grandfather that night to thank him even though I didn't feel like words could be enough to thank someone for that. He said "you're welcome dear, just treat each other good." Well I'm a planner to the bone so I wanted to talk about what we should do with the money. I thought it was a no brainier that it should go towards a house (we rent now) and I thought it would be wise to research options like CDs and what not to store the money until we were ready to use it. When I brought it up with my fiancé he was quickly agitated and didn't want to talk about it at all. I just sort of assumed it would go in some type of account in both of our names. My fiancé made the decision without me to put it into his personal savings and feels that it's HIS grandfather who gave HIM the money, and said that even though he was putting it into his personal account, that it was still for us. I felt extremely hurt by this because I feel like we should be making decisions like that together as we prepare for marriage. I tried to ask him why he wanted to keep it separate from our joint account or review other investment options and his only "reason" is that he didn't think it would be a big deal. I feel like he wants it in his name in case we don't work out but he insists I'm overthinking it (I do think too much). On a side note, IF, God forbid, we didn't work out, all I need to take away from this is my dog. I do not want "his" money if we aren't together. My "independent woman" persona is kicking in and I have a small urge to leave and do my own thing just to prove that I don't need "his" money. I know that sounds terrible but I feel like my dignity has been compromised and the pain i'm feeling from this is unreal. I asked my fiancé if he would have considered me or felt differently if the gift came to us from one of his family member's for our wedding and his response was an iffy "yes." He also asked me what I would have done if my grandfather gave me money, saying he would not have expected me to put it in our name if the tables were turned. Honestly, if someone, regardless of whose side of the family gave us money or any other gift and said it was for both of us, I would want to honor that. I feel like he wants to have financial control over us yet I think I'm the more logical one when it comes to finances. He's impulsive with a lot of things and I plan for the future. I make sure all of our bills get paid monthly from our joint account, I clean the house we live in every week, I make sure all of his laundry gets done every week and we share in cooking. Why doesn't he want the money in both our names? Should I be as hurt as I am? I don't know how to keep conveying my feelings without sounding greedy. I wish we had never gotten the check. I don't think we would have received it at all if my fiancé weren't established with me and we weren't headed for marriage. He has made a lot of poor decisions in the past and i think this money was meant to show that we are trusted and loved. I think we are going to go to a counselor for this because we really don't want to lose each other over something seemingly so petty, but I want to know what you would do if you were in my shoes, or his. It's been a week of uneasiness followed by two days of fighting and crying. Thanks in advance..

[annie24]

How are you guys handling your finances now? Do you live together and how do you split the bills, pay rent, etc...?

[j.man]

First of all, CDs aren't wise, at least not at these rates. There's a time and a place for non-liquid assets, and 2% a year isn't one of them. There are high-yield checking accounts out there that are sometimes double that.

 

While I see where you're coming from, ultimately it was a check written out to him by someone on his side of the family. Personally, I have a habit of dating "up" in terms of income/family finances go (not by design). I'm very much used to girlfriends getting big checks from parents and grandparents, often times with them saying for us to do something fun with it. I've never assumed any claim to it, though. Simply put, I'm not married to my girlfriend, her family gave the check to her, and if I happen to benefit at all from it, I'm happy. It was never mine to begin with.

[Hm1357]

Thank you for your insight! It helps me level set when I'm so caught up in my feelings.

[Hm1357]

We are renting. We both make biweekly deposits into our joint account based off of what percentage of our pay we can afford and still take care of personal things (I have car payment and student loans). He has no other financial obligations. His grandfather is a very generous man and gave him a truck earlier this year. Thanks!

[melancholy123]

If only granddad had put the cheque in both of your names. but he didnt. It sounds like he meant it for both of you. I understand your feelings, I'd probably feel the same way. Maybe if you can find something to invest it in that gives a good return he would be inclined to move the money to that investment, what do you think?

[annie24]

First of all, CDs aren't wise, at least not at these rates. There's a time and a place for non-liquid assets, and 2% a year isn't one of them. There are high-yield checking accounts out there that are sometimes double that.

 

While I see where you're coming from, ultimately it was a check written out to him by someone on his side of the family. Personally, I have a habit of dating "up" in terms of income/family finances go (not by design). I'm very much used to girlfriends getting big checks from parents and grandparents, often times with them saying for us to do something fun with it. I've never assumed any claim to it, though. Simply put, I'm not married to my girlfriend, her family gave the check to her, and if I happen to benefit at all from it, I'm happy. It was never mine to begin with.

 

I feel like the difference here is that you're not married and I suspect that if your gf were single, they would have given her money anyway and said, "go buy a cute dress" or whatever. This gift appears to have been given as an early wedding gift to the couple (not just to the grandson). obviously, I am not grandpa, but to me, this money was given with the intention of it being spent towards the marriage-household (i.e., new furniture, downpayment on a home, etc...) I hope that her fiancé sticks to this intention and uses this money he put in his account towards that purpose and not on using it as his personal money to buy things he wants with it.

[DancingFool]

That was a gift or an early inheritance from his grandfather to your bf. You have no claim to those funds. If your bf chooses to ultimately use them for mutual benefit, like buying a house later on, that's his call. If he keeps it for a black day, that's his choice. Addressing the envelope to both of you is just tactful politeness and perhaps genuine well wishing for your future happiness from his grandfather. Still the funds were given to him are his family money. For you, you have no right to demand that he deposit it in mutual accounts and dictate what he does with it.

[Batya33]

That was a gift or an early inheritance from his grandfather to your bf. You have no claim to those funds. If your bf chooses to ultimately use them for mutual benefit, like buying a house later on, that's his call. If he keeps it for a black day, that's his choice. Addressing the envelope to both of you is just tactful politeness and perhaps genuine well wishing for your future happiness from his grandfather. Still the funds were given to him are his family money. For you, you have no right to demand that he deposit it in mutual accounts and dictate what he does with it.

 

Yes, I totally agree and I think you overstepped boundaries by claiming entitlement to decide how it is spent or saved.

[agent1607307371]

This sounds like an early wedding present. I doubt granddad would have given it if there wasn't a wedding on the horizon.

 

This however, is where you need to learn to trust your partner. And if he blows it, and gradpa asks what he's using the money for, let him deal with explaining that. Youn need to carry on as though the money doesn't exist.

 

Also, you need to stop doing everything around the house. He's a partner in it, he needs to start stepping up some.

 

 

My fiancé made the decision without me to put it into his personal savings and feels that it's HIS grandfather who gave HIM the money, and said that even though he was putting it into his personal account, that it was still for us.

His actions aren't matching his words there.

[HeartGoesOn]

You have far less rights to money, etc, when you're living with a partner as opposed to when you're married to each other. Also, some added food for thought, I'm not judging anyone on their choice of living arrangements.

[Hm1357]

Thanks everyone. I agree with some in that I honestly thought it was an early wedding gift, which is why I feel a small sense of betrayal, but having multiple perspectives is helpful so that I can try to understand my Fiance's position.

[mhowe]

It was a gift...not an early wedding gift. If grandpa had wanted to put your name on the check, instead of the envelope...he would have.

[Jd1983]

I'm with the idea that it was meant to be a gift for him, as opposed to it being a wedding gift, especially since it's from his side of the family.

[itsallgrand]

We are renting. We both make biweekly deposits into our joint account based off of what percentage of our pay we can afford and still take care of personal things (I have car payment and student loans). He has no other financial obligations. His grandfather is a very generous man and gave him a truck earlier this year. Thanks!

 

Does this mean in practical terms that he is usually contributing more?

 

I have a difficult time understanding why you felt entitled to that money. And the crying and upset over it, to me, seems manipulative. You mentioned not trusting him with finances; that he is impulsive, and you are the more logical one, and so you basically feel that because of that, you should be the one in charge of finances. Why do you think feel that way? Has he ever given you any reason to think that he will jeopardize the future because of his financial choices?

 

Agreeing and being on the same page about money is huge. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk to a counselor about it before tying the knot.

[DancingFool]

Grandpa is not stupid. If he meant it to be a true wedding gift to the both of you, he would have presented it as such and made it out to the both of you and given it to the both of you together.

 

The money was given to your bf exclusively and not even in your presence. The rest was just being nice and trying to make you feel kind of included even though you are not directly or actually included.

[wondering731]

We are renting. We both make biweekly deposits into our joint account based off of what percentage of our pay we can afford and still take care of personal things (I have car payment and student loans). He has no other financial obligations. His grandfather is a very generous man and gave him a truck earlier this year. Thanks!

 

A) A house is definitely a good investment. Not saying the housing market will rise, but the cost of owning is close to renting, so if you have the down payment it makes sense.

B) It's nice of you to pay based on a percentage. I recently moved in with someone who makes significantly more than me and I agreed with her that everything needs to be split. If it's his money, he could clearly split it 50/50 now either way.

C) If it's in his name then it's in his name. Hope he uses it for something worthwhile for the both of you!

[annie24]

I think it's important that they discuss this in couples' counseling (which it sounds like they are going to) because these sorts of issues are the kinds which cause a strain on a marriage.

[Hm1357]

Yes, we are going to go to counseling and yes, he is able to contribute more in numbers as I mentioned he doesn't have any debt. 75% of his income is under the table, hence another reason why he has more leftover each pay. Yes, I've been given reasons not to trust him but not necessarily financial reasons. He once purchased a tablet and I accused him of getting it to watch porn (another issue we've tried to resolve through professional counseling), which of course ticked him off. A couple of months later, I asked him to bring his tablet home so that I could pay one of our bills online. He made up quite an extensive story about losing it so I dropped it. A few nights later I was looking for my charger and went into our spare bedroom (his room- we sleep in different rooms on week nights because our sleep schedule is significantly different). Sure enough, his tablet was charging. I pushed it in and it was loaded with porn. I really didn't feel bad about looking since he lied about it. Also, he had a dui when we met so for the first year of our relationship I took us everywhere. When he got his license back, he wrecked his truck on his way to get beer and initially lied about not having anything to drink before he left. He admitted after a couple days that he did have a couple beers before he left. So yes I have difficulty trusting him based on his impulsivity but we have worked through this with counseling. If I were a manipulative person I wouldn't be seeking other perspectives trying to understand his. That said, despite our problems I feel for all intents and purposes that we are perfect for each other. He is very loving and I care for him a great amount. We feel the same on all major issues (except maybe this one) like kids, spirituality, etc., and enjoy each other's company when doing nothing at all. We are normally able to seek understanding of what motivates the other and I was truly hurt by his decision and was having a hard time thinking through this without emotion, also why I joined this forum - in attempt to seek non biased perspectives. Thanks for respectful responses!

[DancingFool]

Is he still drinking....?

[Hm1357]

He does still drink and I sometimes worry if he's a high functioning alcoholic but I always hope he's just young and immature. He's not a raging alcoholic, but there are definitely some ongoing signs of alcohol abuse. He's 23 and I'm 29, if this makes a difference. Our issue has calmed down significantly since I first posted, I think the majority of our rage came from a lack of communication which resulted in both of us saying awful things we didn't mean to each other. I've come around too and realized it shouldn't have been such an emotional thing, but again, an honest conversation between the 2 of us was avoided until we went from 0 to 100 about it.