It's Not the First Date, That Kills, it's the 2nd.

[saluk]

No arguments from me. I don't get the height thing, and I just click next. But I must say every time I see someone mention their height preference in context of their heels I can't help but roll my eyes. It's one thing to be seen with a man every single day who is shorter, but only days they are wearing high heals???? The mind boggles. Do these people lay in bed at night wondering why they are single?

 

But some encouraging news. The woman I was out with last night is 5'9". We were talking about preferences. I made the comment about how many women, the overwhelming majority, insist on taller men. She gave me a WT F kind of look. She was quite surprised. Her ex bf was 5'7". Here's a woman who has two degrees, owns and runs a successful business, athletic, and as pretty as they get. Friendly, classy, well you get the picture. Couldn't care less about height. Some faith in humanity restored.

 

 

I dunnoh. It's one of those things. If someone is really interested it's hard to screw up. I could text. "Do you like cats? Me and you diner at 9:00, be there or be square". And she would be excited and go buy a cat and meet me for diner.

 

If she's not interested not even Shakespeare or Cyrano de Bergerac could come up with the right words. Yes I'm being glib. And it's moot because I'm not going to message her.

 

 

 

Seems to be becoming a consensus

 

I often wonder how much of that interest has anything to do with you at all. It almost seems like people choose, at random, to be interested in someone or not. And it only works if both parties randomly choose it. And then if that happens, you get an LTR of some form. If that doesn't happen, and doesn't happen early, you get something that peters along in fits and starts and will never actually get anywhere.

[IAmFCA]

No arguments from me. I don't get the height thing, and I just click next. But I must say every time I see someone mention their height preference in context of their heels I can't help but roll my eyes. It's one thing to be seen with a man every single day who is shorter, but only days they are wearing high heals???? The mind boggles. Do these people lay in bed at night wondering why they are single?

 

But some encouraging news. The woman I was out with last night is 5'9". We were talking about preferences. I made the comment about how many women, the overwhelming majority, insist on taller men. She gave me a WT F kind of look. She was quite surprised. Her ex bf was 5'7". Here's a woman who has two degrees, owns and runs a successful business, athletic, and as pretty as they get. Friendly, classy, well you get the picture. Couldn't care less about height. Some faith in humanity restored.

 

 

I dunnoh. It's one of those things. If someone is really interested it's hard to screw up. I could text. "Do you like cats? Me and you diner at 9:00, be there or be square". And she would be excited and go buy a cat and meet me for diner.

 

If she's not interested not even Shakespeare or Cyrano de Bergerac could come up with the right words. Yes I'm being glib. And it's moot because I'm not going to message her.

 

 

 

Seems to be becoming a consensus

 

I agree, if we like you, we like you.

 

For dates 1 - 3, women may express a certain exuberant ambivalence. It's important to stay engaged until it's made clear which way each person is headed - to a next date, or not?

[Ms Darcy]

I agree wholeheartedly ToV! I have been online dating for the past few years on and off and my experience is this... I do not match well with white men in the 40-50 age range (I am in my mid 40's and am white) and it seems that my weight is the deal breaker. I am not obese, am very active, and quite fit for a big girl but it just doesn't seem to fly with this crowd in my experience. Now, sure there could be another reason but the pattern seems to be this... I will get some messages, often enthusiastic comments about the head shot on my profile, so we start chatting and eventually the man will ask for more photos, so I send more and seriously 8 out of 10 times the conversation stops dead, DEAD. Not even a "thanks for the photos" and then fade out. I find this annoying and surprising as I would really expect that at this age there would be a little more flexibility on what one is looking for and I am chatting with average looking guys, some thin, some heavy, it does not matter it always goes in this direction.

 

In three years, I have met three white men in this age range that were okay with my weight. One was a twit, the type that held others to a higher standard than he expected of himself, and the other two announced that they were married once we met. The interesting thing is the most attention I get is from Indian and Middle Eastern men, they have no issue with my weight, and I have made some great connections. And now it seems that I date them exclusively. Sure, I will chat with white men but to be honest, my guard is up based on prior experience but not to the point I won't chat with them but I never expect it to go anywhere and so far, it still hasn't.

 

I agree with the advice to provide full body shots so you never have to feel rejected - which must feel awful! The number one complaint that I have heard from men about women they meet from online sites is that the woman ends up being heavier than they looked from their pictures. It's amazing how that comes up over and over again.

 

There are lots of conversations around here about height for men. But not as many around weight for women. Obviously different people have different preferences for what they want. I do notice that it CAN be harder online for bigger women. I'm not really sure if it's a maturity thing ... I don't know (it may be!) But I do think people tend to be more discerning/picky about looks regarding who they first fall in love with versus who they have been with for years.

 

I don't know if that's a helpful comment. I mean, I hope so.

 

I will also note that I think that big women can do plenty well in the dating scene when they are open. Like you noted, men from various cultures and backgrounds can be very open about a woman's size. Also, I think that all people can actually do very well in real life because in real life people can see your charm, your confidence, your sexiness, your self-love.

 

Best of luck to you.

[John John]

No arguments from me. I don't get the height thing, and I just click next. But I must say every time I see someone mention their height preference in context of their heels I can't help but roll my eyes. It's one thing to be seen with a man every single day who is shorter, but only days they are wearing high heals???? The mind boggles. Do these people lay in bed at night wondering why they are single?

 

People can have whatever preferences they want. If women wanna hold out for men who have everything they want, and then use height as the overall dealbreaker, then let them. But I agree that the high heel litmus test is asinine and makes them look ridiculousy immature (cue in Valley Girl "like omigod" voice). That's like me caring about weight to the point that I want a rail thin woman because we will occasionally be videotaped, and since the camera adds 10 lbs, she has to appear thin even on video. I mean, please.

[IAmFCA]

Re weight:

 

When I was on line with a 25% BMI, I got less enthusiasm, compared to now, at 15 pounds lighter.

 

This is ridiculous.

 

To say there is a diffrent level of acceptance for "big girls" is an undetstatement.

[John John]

There are lots of conversations around here about height for men. But not as many around weight for women. Obviously different people have different preferences for what they want. I do notice that it CAN be harder online for bigger women. I'm not really sure if it's a maturity thing ... I don't know (it may be!) But I do think people tend to be more discerning/picky about looks regarding who they first fall in love with versus who they have been with for years.

 

 

To say there is a diffrent level of acceptance for "big girls" is an undetstatement.

 

 

I think you don't see as many conversations here regarding female weight for several reasons (Disclaimer: While I've quoted Darce and ITIC, this post really isn't a direct response to them or any of the other ladies on this thread, it's just a general statement):

 

1. If men say anything about heavy women, we're immediately crucified and called every name in the book ("How DARE men, even fit men, have preferences for it women? Such pigs!!!")

 

2. It's pretty much common knowledge that men in general usually do prefer fit/slim women, so it hardly needs to be said. And men are mostly honest about this preference. Maybe that's why we get tomatoes thrown at us. We've never lied about this preference, ladies! lol

 

3. You see many men talk much more about height because women (not any on this thread in particular) often have double standards and try to be politically correct. They'll say things like "I don't care about height, I've dated short guys" blah blah blah - but if you're a fly on the wall while these women are having wine and having girl talk, THAT'S when they're truly honest about what the want ("Must be a foot taller than me in my highest heels"). I've caught several women on ENA doing this - trying to console a short guy in one thread, and say in another thread a few days later "I'm only attracted to men 5'10" and up." Just be honest. Men would have a lot less to complain about if we knew in advance height is a dealbreaker, so we won't waste our precious time talking to you.

 

4. Weight can usually be changed. I might get attacked for this one, but I don't care. I have known people who are medically (from genetics) obese turn their lives around and lose weight. More often than not, I'm sorry, it USUALLY (not always, and my heart goes out to those that this isn't the case for) can be changed or greatly improved. Height cannot be changed without enduring a horrific surgery.

[John John]

Edit: Just wanted to add. I have several female friends who are quite heavy, and they've always had boyfriends and are all married now (and the guys are actually much more fit than they are). And I KNOW there are couples where taller women have married shorter men. I'm just adding this because I don't want anyone to think that I'm saying that all men out there want slim women. I think the majority probably does.

 

But...I still don't think you still can't compare a woman's weight (can usually be improved) to a man's height (fixed), even if both are big factors in the dating world. I'd say maybe a woman's age (fixed) might be closer to height (also fixed), but I think that's arguable too. Even if a woman's age and a man's height are closely correlated in this sense, at least at some point, while a woman is young, she has her "time in the sun." Short men, at any age, will always be fighting an uphill battle.

 

My intention is not to come off as mean in this post, nor am I nearly as hung up about my height as I know I sound. I mean, yeah, it bothers me, but with all the interest I get online, I really need to shut up (I know ). But still, even as a "successful short guy," I will tell you that a man's height definitely matters big time. If there was a workout I could do to be 6'2" (even if it involved me waking up every day at 3am, running around my block naked, doing 100 jumping jacks, 500 squats, etc.), I'd go for it, because I'm a go getter. But it's fixed...and to me, THAT'S what sucks.

[lilygirl]

I agree with the advice to provide full body shots so you never have to feel rejected - which must feel awful! The number one complaint that I have heard from men about women they meet from online sites is that the woman ends up being heavier than they looked from their pictures. It's amazing how that comes up over and over again.

 

There are lots of conversations around here about height for men. But not as many around weight for women. Obviously different people have different preferences for what they want. I do notice that it CAN be harder online for bigger women. I'm not really sure if it's a maturity thing ... I don't know (it may be!) But I do think people tend to be more discerning/picky about looks regarding who they first fall in love with versus who they have been with for years.

 

I don't know if that's a helpful comment. I mean, I hope so.

 

I will also note that I think that big women can do plenty well in the dating scene when they are open. Like you noted, men from various cultures and backgrounds can be very open about a woman's size. Also, I think that all people can actually do very well in real life because in real life people can see your charm, your confidence, your sexiness, your self-love.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

It is on my profile that I am overweight and I also mention it before I meet anyone as I think it is important to be upfront. Most of the men I meet are happily surprised. As far as the rejection goes, it is part of this process. I guess part of it is immaturity as I truly would expect someone in this age range who is comparable in appearance to give someone a chance, especially if they have been having great conversation and have lots of other things in common, but I guess people like what they like and that is how it goes.

 

I have my deal breakers too and things that will make me not want to meet someone but they are not nearly as set as stone as they were 20 years ago. My biggest pet peeve is when people show younger photos of themselves, men I have dated have told me women do this a lot but it has happened to me quite a bit as well.

 

I have been approached by men in real life so I think real life is better for me perhaps for the reasons that you suggest, confidence, etc. However, I do think the cool thing about online dating is that I have dated people I never would have met or dated otherwise in my day to day life or existing social circles so that has been a great thing.

[IAmFCA]

Edit: Just wanted to add. I have several female friends who are quite heavy, and they've always had boyfriends and are all married now (and the guys are actually much more fit than they are). And I KNOW there are couples where taller women have married shorter men. I'm just adding this because I don't want anyone to think that I'm saying that all men out there want slim women. I think the majority probably does.

 

But...I still don't think you still can't compare a woman's weight (can usually be improved) to a man's height (fixed), even if both are big factors in the dating world. I'd say maybe a woman's age (fixed) might be closer to height (also fixed), but I think that's arguable too. Even if a woman's age and a man's height are closely correlated in this sense, at least at some point, while a woman is young, she has her "time in the sun." Short men, at any age, will always be fighting an uphill battle.

 

My intention is not to come off as mean in this post, nor am I nearly as hung up about my height as I know I sound. I mean, yeah, it bothers me, but with all the interest I get online, I really need to shut up (I know ). But still, even as a "successful short guy," I will tell you that a man's height definitely matters big time. If there was a workout I could do to be 6'2" (even if it involved me waking up every day at 3am, running around my block naked, doing 100 jumping jacks, 500 squats, etc.), I'd go for it, because I'm a go getter. But it's fixed...and to me, THAT'S what sucks.

 

Well, yes, and no.

 

In OLD especially, we are choosing people based on who they are TODAY. We don't know them, we don't know whether they are in pursuit of change of any particular sort. We just know that TODAY this is who and what they are. In that sense, all physical traits are created equal. Weight and size alone are not measures of athleticism, and in some respects, not measures of fitness. Oprah ran the marathon and was not rail thin, or even thin...

 

Not to put too fine a point on it. We like what we like.

 

I was surprised to have been judged differently based on a difference of 10 to 15 pounds, which tells me how exacting this standard can be.

 

And do I have a height preference - yes. Enough to eliminate a man who hits the checkllist? No. If it is already a stretch to let him through my filter, and I see that he is 5'4", I'll probably pass. I have a shape preference too, not too narrow of shoulder, and not too round of belly. I shoveled snow for an old bf, because I was stronger than he was. No biggie. So yes, it's not set in stone. But i adhere to these standards when on line. It's a more exacting medium.

[faraday]

There is a double standard and no, it's not fair.

 

Everyone is entitled to their preferences. Everyone.

 

But if you've been single for years, are having a hard time getting beyond a date or two...it might be time to loosen them a bit...or become a better catch yourself...or accept that the people you're attracted to, aren't attracted to you back, and you're looking for a unicorn.

 

 

There are two types of people. Those that accept and embrace themselves, and those that do not. The ones that are comfortable with themselves do fine in dating.

 

Fat chicks that aren't ashamed of themselves...they love food, they love extravagance, and their men love them for it. Then there's fat chicks that are embarrassed. "Don't touch my stomach." "Lights off sex only." They aren't comfortable in their skin and it radiates out of them.

 

I've been both versions of fat, and I've been thin....thin where I've been uncomfortable in my skin, and thin where I have been.

 

And whether I'm skinny or fat, the only time I attract quality men is when I'm comfortable with myself. I have many fat engaged female friends....and all of them love themselves and wouldn't tolerate being with someone that didn't love them exactly as they are. One of them is marrying a chef

 

I have skinny friends that can't get past a few dates (or sex) because their insecurities kill it for them. They have an easier time getting first dates than fat friends...but the long term dating prospects drop out after that.

 

And I stand by that. No matter who you are, or what size you are, your age, ethnicity, career path, education level...if you're uncomfortable with yourself, you will repel people.

 

I love short men. For real. I don't secretly only date tall men while saying it either. But I will only date men that are comfortable with themselves. And part of that- is the uncomfortable men will stop calling me. Because I will wear heels, I will kiss them standing up (one guy insisted we could only kiss lying down because the two inch height difference (barefoot) made him uncomfortable...HE made me uncomfortable) and if it bothers him, he needs to get over himself or step out...because I'm not changing who I am to stroke egos. I don't want men to change themselves to make me feel better either.

 

And it's not just a dating thing. It's a life thing. When I first started selling my paintings...I was not comfortable. I made excuses for my works imperfections. I talked about how I was new. And people weren't as willing to buy from me, let alone talk to me.

 

Now...I go to shows, and I talk about inspiration. I talk about painting techniques. And people say, "hey, I'm just starting out in painting, can you give me tips?" And I smile and say, "Keep painting. I've only been painting a few years." And people are shocked. They think I've been doing it for longer...because I'm confident about it now. And I charge confident prices (unlike a year and a half ago when I was giving away my art because I didn't feel the value was there).

 

You gotta sell yourself. And to do that...you have to believe in your product. Sometimes, all you need is a new haircut. Other times...it takes a lot of internal work.

[IAmFCA]

There is a double standard and no, it's not fair.

 

Everyone is entitled to their preferences. Everyone.

 

But if you've been single for years, are having a hard time getting beyond a date or two...it might be time to loosen them a bit...or become a better catch yourself...or accept that the people you're attracted to, aren't attracted to you back, and you're looking for a unicorn.

 

 

There are two types of people. Those that accept and embrace themselves, and those that do not. The ones that are comfortable with themselves do fine in dating.

 

Fat chicks that aren't ashamed of themselves...they love food, they love extravagance, and their men love them for it. Then there's fat chicks that are embarrassed. "Don't touch my stomach." "Lights off sex only." They aren't comfortable in their skin and it radiates out of them.

 

I've been both versions of fat, and I've been thin....thin where I've been uncomfortable in my skin, and thin where I have been.

 

And whether I'm skinny or fat, the only time I attract quality men is when I'm comfortable with myself. I have many fat engaged female friends....and all of them themselves and wounding tolerate being with someone that didn't love them exactly as they are. One of them is marrying a chef

 

I have skinny friends that can't get past a few dates (or sex) because their insecurities kill it for them. They have an easier time getting first dates than fat friends...but the long term dating prospects drop out after that.

 

And I stand by that. No matter who you are, or what size you are, your age, ethnicity, career path, education level...if you're uncomfortable with yourself, you will repel people.

 

I love short men. For real. I don't secretly only date tall men while saying it either. But I will only date men that are comfortable with themselves. And part of that- is the uncomfortable men will stop calling me. Because I will wear heels, I will kiss them standing up (one guy insisted we could only kiss lying down because the two inch height difference (barefoot) made him uncomfortable...HE made me uncomfortable) and if it bothers him, he needs to get over himself or step out...because I'm not changing who I am to stroke egos. I don't want men to change themselves to make me feel better either.

 

And it's not just a dating thing. It's a life thing. When I first started selling my paintings...I was not comfortable. I made excuses for my works imperfections. I talked about how I was new. And people weren't as willing to buy from me, let alone talk to me.

 

Now...I go to shows, and I talk about inspiration. I talk about painting techniques. And people say, "hey, I'm just starting out in painting, can you give me tips?" And I smile and say, "Keep painting. I've only been painting a few years." And people are shocked. They think I've been doing it for longer...because I'm confident about it now. And I charge confident prices (unlike a year and a half ago when I was giving away my art because I didn't feel the value was there).

 

You gotta sell yourself. And to do that...you have to believe in your product. Sometimes, all you need is a new haircut. Other times...it takes a lot of internal work.

 

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

 

I want to make your words a song.

[John John]

farady and ITIC, I agree with you both. I've been saying, and I want to again echo what the two of you just said - everyone is entitled to have whatever preferences they want. Man or woman, no matter what you look like. I used to really get bent out of shape on the height preference thing (and I still am, but for a different reason, and I will get to that in a second), but I'm not now nearly as much as I used to because none of us are going to be universally attractive to everyone in the opposite sex. Just not possible! I have my preferences too, and like I've said, it cuts both ways.

 

The height thing bothers me on a different level (and I'm working on this, and other issues, in therapy) - and not because I can't get girls, because Lord knows I can - but because based on it being a near-universal preference and the general hate from the media (in the credit score commercials, the short fat bald guy is the bad credit guy, the good credit guys are TALL, first and foremost - little subliminal messages like this add up and are hurtful), it does get to me. Sometimes I feel like no matter all of my other great qualities, I'm essentially "ruined" by being 5'8". I know it says more about me for letting this sh*t get to me, but I'm human, and I DO have feelings. It's hard to be confident 24/7/365 (which men are required to be when dating, women too, but less so) when you have a huge "issue" that you can't do anything about. Because I'm a go-getter and super hardworking, and the kind of guy that is always looking for ways to improve myself.

 

I'm working as hard as I can to just not care and get over it. It's not easy. There are other angles to this issue that I won't get into. Because I know it starts with me, and I have to just not care (even if the universe is telling me "You suck you suck you suck."). I'm getting better believe it or not. But this stuff is hurtful at times. And over time, if you're beat down again and again, even if your life is mostly good and you're actually fairly decently confident in all other areas, it does get to you. There's a reason a lot of us have complexes about this. Don't put the cart before the horse.

[IAmFCA]

farady and ITIC, I agree with you both. I've been saying, and I want to again echo what the two of you just said - everyone is entitled to have whatever preferences they want. Man or woman, no matter what you look like. I used to really get bent out of shape on the height preference thing (and I still am, and will get to that in a second), but I'm not nearly as much as I used to because none of us are going to be universally attractive to everyone in the opposite sex. Just not possible! I have my preferences too, and like I've said, it cuts both ways.

 

The height thing bothers me on a different level (and I'm working on this, and other issues, in therapy) - and not because I can't get girls, because Lord knows I can - but because based on it being a near-universal preference and the general hate from the media (in the credit score commercials, the short fat bald guy is the bad credit guy, the good credit guys are TALL, first and foremost - little subliminal messages like this add up and are hurtful), it does get to me. Sometimes I feel like no matter all of my other great qualities, I'm essentially "ruined" by being 5'8". I know it says more about me for letting this sh*t get to me, but I'm human, and I DO have feelings. It's hard to be confident 24/7/365 (which men are required to be when dating, women too, but less so) when you have a huge "issue" that you can't do anything about. Because I'm a go-getter and super hardworking, and the kind of guy that is always looking for ways to improve myself.

 

I'm working as hard as I can to just not care and get over it. It's not easy. There are other angles to this issue that I won't get into. Because I know it starts with me, and I have to just not care (even if the universe is telling me "You suck you suck you suck."). I'm getting better believe it or not. But this stuff is hurtful at times. And over time, if you're beat down again and again, even if your life is mostly good and you're actually fairly decently confident in all other areas, it does get to you. There's a reason a lot of us have complexes about this. Don't put the cart before the horse.

 

JJ, a little validation from the other side - not about height, though my dad is 5 8, the first two men I fell in love with were about the same or less, etc -

 

About media. You are right about height in the media. I hadn't thought of it and I am glad now to be aware.

 

Is it valid? Gee, ever heard of women being subject to unattainable images of beauty and it impacts us? Sure its valid. Kudos to you for working to find ways to turn it into a neutral or a positive experience, to replace the self hate the media is inspiring now.

[IAmFCA]

(Meanwhile, has anyone seen our host? Lol, he opened his house for this party and we've lingered in his living room drinking his bar dry for days.)

[John John]

JJ, a little validation from the other side - not about height, though my dad is 5 8, the first two men I fell in love with were about the same or less, etc -

 

About media. You are right about height in the media. I hadn't thought of it and I am glad now to be aware.

 

Is it valid? Gee, ever heard of women being subject to unattainable images of beauty and it impacts us? Sure its valid. Kudos to you for working to find ways to turn it into a neutral or a positive experience, to replace the self hate the media is inspiring now.

 

Oh of course! I know the media is just as hard (I'd say harder, actually) on women than it is men. Women are held to very high standards of beauty that are usually unattainable. But it definitely happens to men too. If there's a commercial or TV shows that's taking a jab at anything physical about a guy, it's usually height. Just the way it is.

 

But like I said (and like you said), it comes back to us to find ways to know our internal worth so we just don't give a sh*t anymore. Someday I'll get there. I'm a work in progress.

[faraday]

farady and ITIC, I agree with you both. I've been saying, and I want to again echo what the two of you just said - everyone is entitled to have whatever preferences they want. Man or woman, no matter what you look like. I used to really get bent out of shape on the height preference thing (and I still am, and will get to that in a second), but I'm not nearly as much as I used to because none of us are going to be universally attractive to everyone in the opposite sex. Just not possible! I have my preferences too, and like I've said, it cuts both ways.

 

The height thing bothers me on a different level (and I'm working on this, and other issues, in therapy) - and not because I can't get girls, because Lord knows I can - but because based on it being a near-universal preference and the general hate from the media (in the credit score commercials, the short fat bald guy is the bad credit guy, the good credit guys are TALL, first and foremost - little subliminal messages like this add up and are hurtful), it does get to me. Sometimes I feel like no matter all of my other great qualities, I'm essentially "ruined" by being 5'8". I know it says more about me for letting this sh*t get to me, but I'm human, and I DO have feelings. It's hard to be confident 24/7/365 (which men are required to be when dating, women too, but less so) when you have a huge "issue" that you can't do anything about. Because I'm a go-getter and super hardworking, and the kind of guy that is always looking for to improve myself.

 

And the media says if you don't fit *this* (tall/beautiful/blonde/tanned/thin/whatever) standard, you're not worthy.

 

 

 

I think we need to stop relying on the media, on culture to define what is attractive.

 

And I know that doesn't help you John, because women have been brain washed...but you really don't need every woman to want to date you. It really is just finding that one special person.

 

I just *clicked* while writing this that you're MCJD, and I didn't recognize you from your writing. It's so out of sync with who I think you are. You're hot! Seriously, a year or two ago when I saw your pic, I was crushing on you so hard. You gotta let go of this height thing. It's holding you back more than anything...because you're very jumpable. And once you realise that...you'll do WAY better with dating.

 

Eta: when I started posting in this thread, I read your posts like I read dougies. That's how you were coming across to me. That's your wake up call.

[John John]

And the media says if you don't fit *this* (tall/beautiful/blonde/tanned/thin/whatever) standard, you're not worthy.

 

 

 

I think we need to stop relying on the media, on culture to define what is attractive.

 

And I know that doesn't help you John, because women have been brain washed...but you really don't need every woman to want to date you. It really is just finding that one special person.

 

I just *clicked* while writing this that you're MCJD, and I didn't recognize you from your writing. It's so out of sync with who I think you are. You're hot! Seriously, a year or two ago when I saw your pic, I was crushing on you so hard. You gotta let go of this height thing. It's holding you back more than anything...because you're very jumpable. And once you realise that...you'll do WAY better with dating.

 

Eta: when I started posting in this thread, I read your posts like I read dougies. That's how you were coming across to me. That's your wake up call.

 

 

...You seriously didn't know I used to be MCJD? OMG...I'm Lol'ing big time right now.

 

And you read my post like Dougies'? Oh jeez...that comment of yours is the wakeup call to end all wakeup calls indeed (not an alarm, but a bed that literally throws you out of bed at 6am)! I'm working on it. I think a breakup (and you all know I went through a brutal breakup three years ago) and the subsequent dating for shorter guys is harder these days, because so much of dating is done online. And when you run into all these preferences over and over again, for years, it wears on you over time. I know it has me. But I'm working on getting a thicker skin. I'm doing my part.

 

And farady, I'm not just saying this because you (majorly) complimented me. But if you lived closer and weren't seriously with your bf, you'd be a contender You're awesome. Your posts are some of the best on here.

[faraday]

...You seriously didn't know I used to be MCJD? OMG...I'm Lol'ing big time right now.

 

And you read my post like Dougies'? Oh jeez...that comment of yours is the wakeup call to end all wakeup calls indeed (not an alarm, but a bed that literally throws you out of bed at 6am)! I'm working on it. I think a breakup (and you all know I went through a brutal breakup three years) and the subsequent dating for shorter guys is harder these days, because so much of dating is done online. And when you run into all these preferences over and over again, for years, it wears on you over time. I know it has me. But I'm working on getting a thicker skin. I'm doing my part.

 

And farady, I'm not just saying this because you (majorly) complimented me. But if you lived closer and weren't seriously with your bf, you'd be a contender You're awesome. Your posts are some of the best on here.

 

It might not help that you're in one of the more superficial cities in America. I mean, after LA, isn't New York pretty ridiculous? It might be good to keep that in mind so you can lessen the blow. People there are a tough crowd.

 

And thanks back at you, young man

 

I'm glad that it shook you...because when I clicked who I was talking to, I had a moment too lol. I knew you had changed your name, but I'm a goldfish...and don't post much outside journals...so I forgot. It's funny, because I did think about you earlier in the thread when it turned to height. I thought, "maybe MCJD met a cute girl and that's why he's not giving input on this." Lol.

 

I'm glad to hear you're working on your "stuff" with someone. Sometimes we need to talk it out with a person, instead of in our heads (or with people that will validate us too much- like on this site).

 

Xoxo

[Ms Darcy]

And I stand by that. No matter who you are, or what size you are, your age, ethnicity, career path, education level...if you're uncomfortable with yourself, you will repel people.

 

I agree with you. I also think the impact of being in the minority in a way cannot be whitewashed. Being Muslim in America can and will have an impact, for example, does impact one's dating choices. You can be as confident as one can be, but if there are negative perceptions about people who look like you or believe what you believe or come where you come from, that's a very real barrier too.

 

It's important to be confident in who you are. It's equally important to acknowledge privilege as well as to know and make peace with your niche. I went to college with a lot of smart and interesting people, many of whom would continually say that people can "succeed in life if they just work hard enough." And I'm thinking .... saying someone whose parents are paying $40,000 a semester for them to be at a top 10 school, who is meeting the right people, and who is getting the right internships/jobs through these connections.

 

I DO agree that everyone can do very well, that confidence is critical and selling yourself is important. But there are some who will have a harder road. A good friend of mine had a brother who is quadriplegic. Marriage and children hasn't really been in the cards for him so far. He's wanted it, but there are a lot of people who pass. And all of us who are physically able don't think about how easy it is for us to get online, how easy it is for us to go out to the gym and work out, how easy it is for us to do most things when we are motivated.

 

So, while I agree in large portions I do think (even for myself!) that many of us have some level of privilege that is helpful to remember - especially when we are feeling low.

[Sportster2005]

"succeed in life if they just work hard enough." .

 

Getting off topic, I've always like this.

 

 

[IAmFCA]

...You seriously didn't know I used to be MCJD? OMG...I'm Lol'ing big time right now.

 

And you read my post like Dougies'? Oh jeez...that comment of yours is the wakeup call to end all wakeup calls indeed (not an alarm, but a bed that literally throws you out of bed at 6am)! I'm working on it. I think a breakup (and you all know I went through a brutal breakup three years ago) and the subsequent dating for shorter guys is harder these days, because so much of dating is done online. And when you run into all these preferences over and over again, for years, it wears on you over time. I know it has me. But I'm working on getting a thicker skin. I'm doing my part.

 

And farady, I'm not just saying this because you (majorly) complimented me. But if you lived closer and weren't seriously with your bf, you'd be a contender You're awesome. Your posts are some of the best on here.

 

Faraday, im jealous of you right now.

 

Jk. I shouldn't do that on here, since the fact that I'm just trash talking doesn't convey and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or be misinterpreted.

 

I just couldn't help but have a little fun.

 

Sportster throws great parties.

[John John]

Faraday, im jealous of you right now.

 

Jk. I shouldn't do that on here, since the fact that I'm just trash talking doesn't convey and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or be misinterpreted.

 

I just couldn't help but have a little fun.

 

Sportster throws great parties.

 

You know I love you too ITIC. Based mostly on their posts (although I know what Faraday, JA and ITIC look like, and they're all super attractive), Faraday, ITIC, Mrs. Darcy, JA and mhowe are like my ideal harem of ENA women.

 

(JJ/MCJD quickly runs far away after using the term "harem" for fear of being burned at the stake)

[IAmFCA]

JJ, if it's any consolation... one way I can interpret the end of me and MWFN is that he threw me over so he could be with someone taller, with longer, skinnier legs.

 

Does that sting? Yeah, maybe it does.

 

But then, that means we aren't right for each other anyway.

 

The men who share my values respect the muscles in my legs and even may find them a turn on. They know my body is strong and respect that. And if they dont, they keep it to themselves I guess. I remember being asked by a bf when I was 18 to teach these skinny twin blondes gals to ski. I was frustrated and tbh disgusted. They were too weak to hold a snowplow, yet nobody connected their inability to their own emphasis on size as opposed to ability.

 

OTOH I have a friend who used to be a professional dancer. Wow she is strong and striated and teeny. And it took her, oh I don't know, genes and 20 years of training and denial to get that way.

 

So yeah, this grates. But then, that anger does nothing but fill me with negative energy. So instead, I view it as values. I value ability, others value looks. Some people nail both, and I am happy for them.

 

Does that make sense? Can't see what I said...

[IAmFCA]

You know I love you too ITIC. Based mostly on their posts (although I know what Faraday, JA and ITIC look like, and they're all super attractive), Faraday, ITIC, Mrs. Darcy, JA and mhowe are like my ideal harem of ENA women.

 

(JJ/MCJD quickly runs far away after using the term "harem" for fear of being burned at the stake)

 

 

 

We would make a fearsome posse, no doubt.

[Ms Darcy]

You know I love you too ITIC. Based mostly on their posts (although I know what Faraday, JA and ITIC look like, and they're all super attractive), Faraday, ITIC, Mrs. Darcy, JA and mhowe are like my ideal harem of ENA women.

 

(JJ/MCJD quickly runs far away after using the term "harem" for fear of being burned at the stake)

 

I bet JA has the best hair though. Have you seen that girl's long thick hair?!

 

Edited to add: Don't worry about the harem comment. You, Captain America, David Bowie ( Idris Elba, my friend Victoria, and Won Bin would be on my ideal harem list.