What to do when your boyfriend breaks your trust because of little things?

Lovelavie · January 5, 2016

I've been with my BF for almost a year and a half now. When we were around 4,5 months together I saw that he would like these girls' pictures on Instagram. Some of them I was ok with, and some of them I was not so ok with. So I asked him if he could stop and he agreed and said it wasn't right, so he stopped. Months went by and I saw that he started liking them again so I made a joke about it and told him I didn't like it and he laughed and said it wouldn't happen again.

Also, when I ask him to see what pictures he liked on Instagram (there's an option for that) he won't let me and says I have to trust him and that I'm being crazy. Well guess what? I had it in my gut that he was liking their pictures again so I searched for it and there it was. A bunch of likes on selfies of them and such...

I don't mind him liking some hot famous girl picture, it just bothers me that it's someone that was close to him and even girls that he hooked up with or had something.

I got so angry I wanted to cry. It was frustrating because he always gets mad at me saying I have to trust him, and that he doesn't do anything. Now he's liking these girls' pictures behind my back after I asked TWICE, imagine what else he does behind my back. Also, he NEVER lets me touch his phone, not even to look at the weather. Honestly, I'm starting to get suspicious of other things. I really wish I could trust him and didn't have to search for things, but now I'm just really upset about it. It's such a silly thing but he doesn't care about my feelings while me on the contrary have no interest in anyone whatsoever... I wish his respect for me would be bigger than his urge to like other girls' pictures...

I'm so tired of all these little lies, it's not the first lie that I find out about and forgive... but I just feel like if he can lie so easily about stuff he could easily cheat on me and lie about it too.

PS.: On instagram, you can see the last 8 pictures a person liked, so he'll like a girl's selfie and then like a bunch of random pictures so it doesn't show on my feed. Weird huh?

mhowe · January 5, 2016

How old are you guys? Teens? Early 20's?

This guy isn't boyfriend material. He simply isn't mature enough.

This has nothing to do with him cheating. It's simply about lack of impulse control and respect.

Lovelavie · January 5, 2016

We're both 22. To be honest, I have never been so insecure my whole life. My previous boyfriend was an idiot and even with him I didn't feel this insecure.

With him, I can never point out to a pretty girl walking by, something I would do all the time with my previous boyfriends, because I know he'll make me feel insecure about it. I love him a lot but ever since this relationship started I've had the same problems. Him telling me I have to trust him, yet his attitudes tell me otherwise. I don't understand why is it so hard to do what your girlfriend is asking you if that makes her upset. If there's anything that makes him upset I'll be the first to change things and make sure it doesn't happen again. I'm so disappointed ... and I feel so stupid for trusting him.

mhowe · January 5, 2016

Why on earth would you point out a pretty girl walking by? To start an argument?

You just don't have a guy that is bf material. Move on.

DoF · January 5, 2016

If we can all get a dollar for every drama episode created by Facebook or instagram.....blows my mind why people use this crap.

Anyways, you gave him a warning, he acted like he listened....but didn't. This has happened 3-4 times now? His actions SHOULD tell you that he is not to be trusted, he has no intentions of changing or respecting your wishes.

It's time for consequences. Show him the door and never look back. If you don't, expect this going forward....which will surely follow by action as well (in time).

reinventmyself · January 5, 2016

Take the instagram/photo thing out of the equation.

I think an initial request is reasonable but he continues to do it even though he gave you his word he wouldn't.

You point out to him that he is not keeping his word and instead of taking responsibility for his actions he calls you crazy.

This is a dynamic I am afraid you can see from him over other things as well in the future (outside of liking pictures.)

It's no wonder you don't trust him. He is not being trustworthy by going back on his word.

I would have a serious talk with him.

Try to leave the pictures out of the conversation and stay focused on the importance of integrity

and promises. Tell him a relationship is built on trust and you can't be in one with out it.

Be prepared to stand behind it.

Lovelavie · January 5, 2016

Exactly. This isn't about the pictures themselves. It's about his attitude. It's about him not caring if it hurts my feelings. The more I search for it, the more I find it. I don't even know where to begin. He uses the excuses that he likes back the pictures of people who like his pictures, which is true, however, there will always be those girls trying to get attention which I don't mind IF he doesn't give the attention back. When I confront him about it he'll either laugh about it or he'll get mad at me and make it sound like I'm crazy for not trusting him and I'll take a step back and let it go, thinking it's best not to start an argument.

I've told him a million times that a hundred girls can hit on him that I don't mind, as long as he respects me.

I feel sad because it just looks like he doesn't care about our relationship. That liking their pictures is more important than respecting my wishes. Also, now it makes sense why he won't let me see the pictures he likes, if he had nothing to hide he would let me see with no problem. I also feel like there's so much more I don't know...

What upsets me the most, is that he saw what my ex did to me, the least he could do is not hurt me the same way, which he promised he wouldn't... but I wouldn't be surprised if I caught him cheating.

I have a theory that us girls aren't crazy. Some men drive us crazy. Some men want to pull the worst out of us when all we want to do is be caring and loving and faithful to that person and want the same back.

DoF · January 5, 2016

Take the instagram/photo thing out of the equation.

I think an initial request is reasonable but he continues to do it even though he gave you his word he wouldn't.
You point out to him that he is not keeping his word and instead of taking responsibility for his actions he calls you crazy.

This is a dynamic I am afraid you can see from him over other things as well in the future (outside of liking pictures.)
It's no wonder you don't trust him. He is not being trustworthy by going back on his word.

I would have a serious talk with him.
Try to leave the pictures out of the conversation and stay focused on the importance of integrity
and promises. Tell him a relationship is built on trust and you can't be in one with out it.
Be prepared to stand behind it.

....and ready to walk away

Good post

starlight89 · January 5, 2016

The only reason he would like their pics is to get their attention. These are women he knows. I think you are 100% right not to trust him and I would walk away.

Lovelavie · January 5, 2016

It's an unnecessary stress. It's something so simple: Please don't like these girls' pictures.

Ok, I won't.

And there you go! No problem. This is why some relationships fail. Lack of care, lack of respect. Some people throw it away because of nothing and the person who put so much effort into it ends up with nothing but frustration on their hands.

ParisPaulette · January 5, 2016

First, trust is not something that is blindly given. It has to be earned and in order for it to be earned someone has to not lie. You know who says, "You need to trust me?" Usually the liars, cons, and cheats. At least in my experience in life, of six decades worth, the only people who ever blatantly told me, "Trust me! Even though I'm doing things that are sketchy as hello or you don't know me, trust me" were people who fell into one of those three categories. Every.single.time.

People that I could and do trust have never said that to me. They just are trustworthy and I know it and they know it and it's all good. We might have discussed trust as a topic, but no one including me ever said, "Trust me." And not after the partner questioning something especially. The normal response is to bend over backwards proving to them they can trust you. Not just to say it and expect it.

Now on to other things. If you feel you can't trust this guy and he makes you feel insecure why are you staying? Don't you trust yourself enough to decide you deserve better, that what you know and feel counts more.

The harsh fact is being with someone you don't trust is a giant waste of time. And some day you'll get tired of it or you'll catch him doing worse and you'll go, but in the meantime it's actually your choice what you will and won't put up with. And I'd dump someone just for being so immature and not having a life that they had that much time on their hands to go around "liking" people who post selfies on Instagram in the first place. Ugh, really?

Lovelavie · January 5, 2016

You're right. I never had to tell my boyfriend to trust me because I a clear conscience that it showed through my attitudes. I never had to PROVE anything because it simply happened. When I confront him with something, 80% of the time he'll say I have to trust him and only 20% of the time he'll explain himself. That's when he doesn't get stressed out and leaves the room and I stay with no explanation.

Honestly, our relationship was going so well. I felt like everything was going perfect, but every time it is, there is always something he does that will upset me. I'm getting tired of this tbh.

We had a serious fight about a month ago and after that fight, I realised I'm never trusting anyone 100% again. It's just not worth it.

DoF · January 5, 2016

You're right. I never had to tell my boyfriend to trust me because I a clear conscience that it showed through my attitudes. I never had to PROVE anything because it simply happened. When I confront him with something, 80% of the time he'll say I have to trust him and only 20% of the time he'll explain himself. That's when he doesn't get stressed out and leaves the room and I stay with no explanation.

Those are all signs of a person you shouldn't trust hehe

Honestly, our relationship was going so well. I felt like everything was going perfect, but every time it is, there is always something he does that will upset me. I'm getting tired of this tbh.

We had a serious fight about a month ago and after that fight, I realised I'm never trusting anyone 100% again. It's just not worth it.

Don't do that. That's applying your boyfriends crappy ways to EVERYONE. Not every man is like that.

I used to take the "trust until lying occurs" attitude when I was younger. Now, I trust no ONE and allow people to EARN their trust with time and action.

Works 100 times better!

Lovelavie · January 6, 2016

I spoke to him tonight. I explained in a calm way that I know he liked their pictures, even of girls I specifically told him I did not like. I told him I hate to make it sound like a threat but I saw no other way out since he made this choice, he chose this for himself and our relationship. If I can't trust that he won't like other girls' pictures how can I trust him on bigger things? I told him it makes it look like he doesn't care about us and that if any comes up to him he'll exchange me for her in a second. He told me none of that is true and that he liked their pictures because they liked his, and I was like "come on! there are girls there who never even liked a single picture of yours and you're there liking them in a bikini, honestly!"

What also upset me so much is that he thinks I'm an idiot who won't see it, but it's simple: if you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it. Don't think you can hide things forever.

He also said I have his Instagram password and I can check it out any time I want, I told him that he changed his password a while ago and I don't wish to have it, I don't want to be searching for things to fight for, I simply don't want it to happen.

So I gave him an ultimatum, which I hate to, but at least I'll know I did all I could. I don't care what excuse he makes up, if I see one more like in any picture it's done. If that's the kind of respect he gives to our relationship then it's worthless, to him and it will be to me.

He stayed quiet throughout the whole conversation and then said I was right and apologised and said it wouldn't happen again. He's been warned, it's on his hands now and I'll see if he really values us or if getting likes is more important.

mhowe · January 6, 2016

I don't see this ending well.

Ms Darcy · January 6, 2016

This is what I said in your last two threads/vents about him:

"It's not surprising given his pattern.

Ideally you would start making a plan to leave the relationship. This rinse - he says something - repeat - you cry - is something posters tell you over and over is not healthy."

You have wasted a year of your life complaining about someone you are not compatible with.

reinventmyself · January 6, 2016

Good for you and you handled well.

I hope this turns out the way you hope.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

bulletproof · January 6, 2016

It's an unnecessary stress. It's something so simple: Please don't like these girls' pictures.
Ok, I won't.

I think it's ridiculous to expect your partner to just say okay to anything that upsets you. I personally think that a "like" on a photo is completely harmless, regardless of whether he's been with the girl or not. So today you're asking him not to like photos; what about your next demand? Should he acquiesce to that also, even if it's irrational, just because your feelings are hurt?

You really need to get out of this relationship because you're just banging your head against the wall trying to get someone to behave the way you think he should. It's pointless.

catfeeder · January 6, 2016

Are you looking for comments about his behavior or about why you stick around for it?

CreoleDude · January 6, 2016

So I asked him if he could stop and he agreed and said it wasn't right, so he stopped. Months went by and I saw that he started liking them again so I made a joke about it and told him I didn't like it and he laughed and said it wouldn't happen again.

One of two things; either he had no intention of really stopping and was careless enough to think you would trust him and not notice the behavior has resumed, OR he has impulse control problems and gets some sort of ego boost from this behavior. Either way, BAD sign!

He is obviously trying to place the blame on you to deflect the fact that he is being a schmuck. Like an iceberg, breaches of trust are rarely just what they appear to be on the surface. If he is hiding something as dumb as an Instagram account, you can bet he is hiding more serious things. I'm not necessarily saying the guy is cheating, but he is holding A LOT about himself back from you.

The fact that he knows this behavior is hurtful to you and continues to do it should be very concerning to you. The fact that he "hooked up" with girls in the past, and continues to string them along by liking their posts, should concern you. It doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same page with issues like fidelity and what is okay and not okay in a relationship. He will not change for you, and you shouldn't want him to. You should focus your energy on finding someone that is more in synch with your relationship needs and is willing to give you the degree of respect you need and deserve.

If a guy doesn't want you to be on their phone, it's because they know it is a threat to the relationship. If someone really loved you, something as trivial as Instagram would not be creating such a problem in your relationship.

He is going to an extreme degree to hide things from you. Please love yourself enough to find someone better.

Sorry you're going through this.

starlight89 · January 6, 2016

Guess what OP? I don't believe you and neither does he. You have given these ultimatums a lot and are still there. Hes laughing at you thinking you will just take whatever crap he throws at you.

I think if you don't leave now you never will. It is 100% obvious this guy is shady but you are still there

boltnrun · January 6, 2016

Right now you sound to him like the grownups in Charlie Brown cartoons. Wah, wahwah wah.

Because you threaten but never follow through.

He knows all he has to do is say "yeah, yeah, I'll stop" without ACTUALLY stopping and it will be enough to get you off his back for a while.

Either mean what you say or stop saying it.

HeartGoesOn · January 6, 2016

Unless you want to continue to be at his mercy, say what you mean, and mean what you say. It's that simple...

emma86 · January 9, 2016

OP, your story reminds me a lot of my experience with my ex.

I d like to advise you that if you feel that your boyfriend is being shady, then trust your guts!!

Lot of people on here say that "liking"other girls pictures is harmless. Well it all depends on which guy does that.

My ex would like a lot of other girls pictures on facebook,and although it did bother me a bit,I kept trying to tell myself "that's nothing" and I didnt say anything because I feared I would pass as the jealous,controlling girlfriend. But at some point,I had a strong feeling that something was wrong with his behavior: he was adding regularly new female "friends",and at first I just thought they were old friends,or coworkers,but deep down I was wondering when/how he met all these girls because we were together since more than 2 years and I never met any of these girls. When I asked him who they were,of course he said "friends" but I decided to trust my guts and contacted one of them asking how they knew each other. She thought I was a jealous ex,and told me they met on POF 2-3weeks ago,he told he was single etc.. I then sent her a screenshots of his messages and she could see that I was indeed his girlfriend and he was a lying cheater! I confronted him with the evidence and he admitted that all these girls,he met them on dating sites,and I dumped him.

He kept pestering and begging me to take him back,saying that it was a mistake,that he loved me and he would never do it again. After 8 months of not seeing each other,and because of his constant pleading,I made the mistake of giving him a chance ,thinking he had really changed. Not only he didnt changed for one bit,but he also found new ways to be sneakier! It's only in last october ,that I found out he had a "secret"instagram profile but there he had zero pics,and had ZERO friends(although many of his" real life"friends are on IG) or ZERO followers on it,but the profile was set to "private"so I could not see anything. I decided to google his IG username,and found out,it was a" creep" profile. He wrotes lots of comments to girls in underwear,some of the girls were even escort girls.His comments appeared on google because the girls'profiles were publics. I had to say enough is enough,because clearly this guy was a sleazy creep, compulsive liar and serial cheater.

In total I wasted 4 years of my life with him. I wish I didnt put up with his disrespectful behavior for so long,and didnt close my eyes on all the red flags earlier in the relationship

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