About done...Grandma males more effort over stray cats than grandbaby...

[Lightattheend1]

My baby's grandmother (paternal) never makes any effort to see her grandbaby (only grandchild.)

 

We live about 45 minutes from each other...but did live minutes apart and would often drive by and not stop. (Even going just down the street to see her sibling's grown married family.)

 

Every month for the last few years...she has driven right by our house and says she might stop but doesnt. We will call to see I f she is coming to see the baby...and she is shopping for cat food at our local Walmart and doesn't have time.

 

The cats have also become a huge issue. She recently moved because her old place was condemned) ...(when we used to visit her we would have to go out ...because of the cat situation.)

 

There's no talking to her on this...we have tried tried tried. She will promise...and basically lie.

 

Upon moving...she had to move without her outdoor wild cats she feeds. So NOW SHE DRIVES MORNING and night to feed them. (About 14 cats.) This is probably around 500 miles a week. (Again...the cats are a huge issue and she cant afford to be doing this. Refuses to try and get them himes...especially the kittens.)

 

Again...she cant come see her grandbaby...is too busy. But will say...stop by and bring the baby (fill in blank) for Halloween ...etc. We have in the past but have stopped completely mostly since she has told us her car won't make it...doesn't have money...etc. But obviously not true...since the cats issue has exploded.

 

Should we just cut ties altogether?

[TMifune]

Is this your mom or your husband's mom?

[j.man]

I say this as someone who was raised by a mother and grandmother and definitely appreciate the fact she was and is a huge part of my life: so what?

 

Some grandparents have close ties with their grandchildren. Others are destined for a semiannual extended family dinner role. The only people who have a responsibility to be with the kid are the parents.

 

Going by the fact you described her as the paternal grandmother and not simply your mother, I'm assuming it's your husband's mother and, no, you shouldn't even think of suggesting to him to cut off ties with her. Bring the baby over to her whenever you can / want to and leave it be.

[DoF]

Accept her for who she is, poor/disengaged/careless grandmother.

 

Ask yourself, is this the kind of person you want your child to be around?

 

Answer should always be NO.

 

Trying to make people into someone they are not = not smart.

[Lightattheend1]

Hi.

 

Thanks so much for the quick reply.

 

I wouldn't say she's poor...we just all have priorities in our life.

 

We used to and "visit" but would have to go out...dinner...etc...as her place is not a place for baby. (Grandma has been sick in the past with things she caught from the cats.)

 

Yes, daddy has also had enough out of his mom. (More so than I. Because all he ever heard is how she wanted a grandbaby....)

 

He has given her veterinarian money...but no one can afford 14 some cats...food and even special.kitten formula. We don't really know how many. (She will tell him such and such cat had triplets...twins...got run over.) We aren't sure. He gets his ear chewed on from the rest of the family about the cat issue. His mom also constantly gripes at him to go see his sibling more often. (Another one who druces by abd diesnt stop by.) Dad is none too nice about the whole thing annymore...but...dad is at work when she drives by on one end of trip. I even suggested to dad that I meet up (or us) and go to eat. But he says if she doesn't have time...then she doesn't have time.

[mhowe]

Let it go. She clearly isn't that interested.

[alli]

I have brothers that are more than 10 years younger than me. I also have a couple cousins who are about my age. When my brothers were born, my grandma said something to the effect that she felt she had fulfilled her grandmotherly role with me & my cousins & wasn't interested in being involved with my younger brothers. These days, none of them (brothers & grandma) are that interested in each other & everyone is fine with it. If your child has the support he needs from his parents & other family members it doesn't have to be a big deal.

 

It sounds like she might have a hoarding problem or some similar issue, considering that she had 14 cats & was forced to move due to unsanitary conditions? It's sad that she's spending all of her time & effort on them at the expense of taking care of herself, but what can you do.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, it sounds like she's a hoarder. And if so you are never going to get her as interested in anything as she is in those cats.

 

Should you cut ties? Why? She's not abusive, just disengaged. If you want to stop expending so much energy in her direction that's fine but cutting her off seem's quite excessive for waht you've listed here.

[mhowe]

Another one who druces by abd diesnt stop by.)

 

You seem to spend a lot of time looking out the window to see who is driving by and not stopping. Why?

[Lightattheend1]

You seem to spend a lot of time looking out the window to see who is driving by and not stopping. Why?

 

 

Lol.

 

No. They will tell us. "Hey we drove by and stopped at that little business down the street from you...we got a bunch of stuff...you should check it out."

 

But they will also say how they miss the baby so much...send us pictures...come visit. THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED ???

 

Yes...we just aren't expending the effort anymore. (Sending pics...etc.)

 

I guess it's hoarding. She now is living in a "family owned" place... and again not sure how many inside and outside ones there are. She's been hospitalized many times because of catching sicknesses...

 

I know it is very hurtful to the baby's father ...because she spends a lot of time with the siblings grown child/couple and there teen kids (grandkids) and does a lot for them and goes out of her way to do so.

 

I just tell him that it is her loss. Our baby is sweet and innocent and adorable. Our new house is great. He has done a lot of refurbishing...and I know he wants to show off his work...rather than photos. Its our own private oasis. She will say she's coming and always come up with an excuse at the last minute...oy.

[mhowe]

But he says if she doesn't have time...then she doesn't have time.

 

I think it is more upsetting to you.

 

She must be covered in cat hair. I certainly wouldn't want my child around someone like that....especially considering her sicknesss.

[Lightattheend1]

I think it is more upsetting to you.

 

She must be covered in cat hair. I certainly wouldn't want my child around someone like that....especially considering her sicknesss.

My mom has been gone manybtears...so.only hope for him to have a good relationship.

 

The cat hair... Our baby cries and grips us when he sees her. This makes grandma upset that her "grandbaby doesn't even know her."

 

Oh ya... youre welcome to stop by once in awhile. ????

 

I am really convinced it is some type of mental illness beyond hoarding. ..

[abitbroken]

People who are feeding feral cat colonies/people who are caretakers of feral cats are actually something needed. They or a group often feeds them, traps/neuters/releases them to control the population. It is an avocation. Sometimes the cats are truly wild, and sometimes cats whose people leave them behind in a move join up with the group and volunteers identify the friendly cats, take them in and adopt them out. Would you feel the same way about her if she was going twice a day to feed people at the soup kitchen, or going twice a day volunteering in another way - like before and after school with kids? Or what if she had a group of older ladies that went out everyday instead of coming to your house? People who do this are very devoted because often no one else will do it. I suggest you look at the alley cat allies website and learn about it. You might even find if your family understands this, you would have a better relationship with her. It is her passion. Yes, I think its a little extreme when people have a ton of cats INSIDE the house, but I applaud people who feed and maintain colonies. Maybe she is one of those folks who do bring the friendly ones in and is not very good at finding homes for them and needs to hook up with a group.

 

Also, don't be so butthurt over her being busy. She has a schedule. Instead of being upset that she doesn't just drop in every time she is at Walmart, which to me, I would dislike it if people just "dropped in" - why not invite her over? For example, find out when a time is that works in her feeding schedule and make a meal, or even one day ask to help her feed the cats to bond with her. Also, if she does actually have a problem, she is less likely to be so defensive if you have some understanding rather than are up for a fight always and are resentful. maybe the house was condemned due to the cats, but maybe there were other issues in the house at work that had nothing to do with the cats. Maybe she needs her kids to nudge her in the direction of getting a lawn service or someone to come in and clean every other week. Who knows.

 

At any rate, you won't get anywhere with being resentful. Be gracious when she does visit and after her visit, make sure to tell her that you enjoyed the time she was able to come over (like the next time you talk to her).

[melancholy123]

She sounds like the proverbial crazy cat lady.

 

My mother had no interest in my two kids, she never invited us to visit her. She didnt drive but we did and she never asked us to come over. We used to go visit her but it was always so unpleasant. In the end I just gave up, no use beating a dead horse. She would ask on the phone how they were but that was all. I concluded she just didnt really care.

[abitbroken]

Maybe if you are supportive of her, you can gradually convince her to continue feeding the feral colonies - and get some help with other likeminded people when she is ready to, but someday move in to a smaller place and only have X number of cats in the house, but you will do nothing of the sort when you are oppositional and bitter. There might be an emotional need that is not being met. I would have your husband see her without the child or both see her without the child to reestablish a relationship with her first. Its not helpful to the child to pick up on all your resentment and hear you talk about her negatively and then be expected to hug and kiss her. I have a grandparent that was more distant and the relationship was never forced. I think you need to let go of this close grandmotherly relationship and let it form naturally when your child is ready for it to form. You have to release YOUR emotional need for it and make sure to keep in touch with other older relatives (are there great aunts and uncles on either side?) and let it be what it is

 

Oh ya... youre welcome to stop by once in awhile. ????

.

 

I would never just "stop by" someone's house.

[Lightattheend1]

Hi.

 

The cats tore up her home. She allowed it. It's gross and that's all that needs to be said. She promised when she kmoved on finding homes...getting them spayed and nueteted...etc. We also offered to help do this...with ads ads...photos..financially. She could not find a place to live because of this.She either broke the promise or just outright lied. Not just to us but where she is living now. This was a last resort with stipulations...but she is breaking them.

 

She would definitely not talk with someone about the cat issue. Im certain many of these cats probably need euthanized. I dont mean to sound cruel. Her son is a huge animal lover and this is just not doing good for these cats. He recently gad to put his own cat to sleep of 20 plus years and she didnt even call during that month or so. Her cats get into fights...are hurt...bleeding...filled with scabs i guess from fleas? ...getting run over (they are still living at the condemned place and she is going there to feed them.)Its bad.

 

She has inside cats too. It used to be 6...maybe?

 

She is the crazy cat woman. Its true.

 

I think it's ludicrous to think I'd take an interest in the cat issue ... obviously she has her priorities and it's too bad she cant take an interest in her grandbaby. Maybe she thinks that about us and her cats?

[Lightattheend1]

Oh she can just stop by. This is her grandbaby...

 

He pays her cell phone...so I'm sure she could give a little bit of a heads up.

[abitbroken]

Oh she can just stop by. This is her grandbaby...

 

He pays her cell phone...so I'm sure she could give a little bit of a heads up.

 

Well - as for me "stop by anytime" is like "we should really get together" and it is fairly meaningless. And you have to admit, you really wouldn't want anyone to just stop over at any time they feel like it.

 

"we would like to have you over for dinner. Would Saturday at 7 or lunch Sunday afternoon work better for you?" means that someone really would like to have me over.

 

Her cats get into fights...are hurt...bleeding...filled with scabs i guess from fleas? ...getting run over (they are still living at the condemned place and she is going there to feed them.)Its bad.

 

Then consult with some sort of advocate, social worker or even someone in rescue who might be able to befriend her. If she is not solitary and there is someone else involved in rescue that is in her life that has a healthier view, she may be more inclined to listen. (ie, that person is more successful in adopting out cats). Or get a bead on what cat rescue is a really reputable one in the area and ask them for advice - say you are considering calling animal control but would like to know what you should do. maybe they would be willing to step in.

 

As far as calling the son when the cat died - not everyone is like that.

 

Either way, you need to lower your expectations of her being the close, cookie backing grandma and let her be the grandma she is.

 

Yes, I am serious that you or your husband should go out to feed cats with her. See what her world is like and break the communication barrier with her. Then you can actually talk to her. Actually, I think feeding/spaying the ferals is a worthwhile pursuit, having umpteen cats in the house she can't control is not. You are never going to get any help for her if you are expecting her to behave within your template of what a grandmother should be.

[greta96]

While I'm sure she cares about the grandchild as much as the next person, some people tend to favor animals over kids. It doesn't make them bad people, on the contrary, what she's doing is amazing. She probably figures those cats need her, as they are helpless, while the grandchild is well cared for anyway. Maybe she's done her share of raising kids, and being around them is no longer something that interests her. She's allowed to do whatever she pleases with her life, as long as she's not actively hurting anyone.

I get it, you are entitled to your own feelings, but just keep in mind that not everyone shares them. It's not fair to judge her for doing something great, even though you don't see the value in what she's doing.

[Lightattheend1]

Hi. Thx. I don't have a grandma template. My mother is dead. We are definitely not opening ourselves up to disease with these cats...plus trespassing as this is not her land...she rented and the place is condemned.

 

When she moved into the new family owned place...she was to do certain things. She didn't. Now she is hoarding at the new place and old place too.

 

This us going to end badly with her homeless .. like I mentioned...she doesn't own where she moved and is bringing along the same issues.

 

To put feral cats over your finances...health ...living situation...not to mention family and new grandbaby...is pretty sick.

 

Animal control doesn't care.

 

When the neighbors ...old pkace...run one over she blames them for not being careful and says how she is going to get back at them. Its nuts. I've stopped answering her calls. Its like a cat soap opera. We have things going on in our life...and I'm serious...she is not interested. So fine.

[abitbroken]

Hi. Thx. I don't have a grandma template. My mother is dead. We are definitely not opening ourselves up to disease with these cats...plus trespassing as this is not her land...she rented and the place is condemned.

 

When she moved into the new family owned place...she was to do certain things. She didn't. Now she is hoarding at the new place and old place too.

 

This us going to end badly with her homeless .. like I mentioned...she doesn't own where she moved and is bringing along the same issues.

 

To put feral cats over your finances...health ...living situation...not to mention family and new grandbaby...is pretty sick.

 

Animal control doesn't care.

 

When the neighbors ...old pkace...run one over she blames them for not being careful and says how she is going to get back at them. Its nuts. I've stopped answering her calls. Its like a cat soap opera. We have things going on in our life...and I'm serious...she is not interested. So fine.

 

Yes you do have a grandma template. You had a grandma, didn't you? You expect her to just drop by everytime she is in the neighborhood and lavish attention on your child. She is not doing that. So therefore she is bad. And if you want to talk to someone about the things going on in your life - then find someone else to unload that on so you aren't depending on her for that.

 

Honestly, you wouldn't like me. I put my well being over my pets. I was homeless after a divorce and I was not going to live anywhere where I could not have my pets. They were my responsibility and I would not abandon them. I did end up finding a place to live. And I am glad I was stubborn. I didn't care what my family thought. One family member asked me to live with them but only if I only kept one pet. Sorry.

 

If someone ran over one of my pets or if I took care of animals outside , yes I would be sad and angry, and yes, I might say some choice words. It doesn't make one crazy. There was a deer that was always sleeping under the trees at night and when someone hit her, I was really, really mad. It is not a major road and they could easily have avoided her in my view.

 

She started feeding these cats and until someone else steps in, she is going to drive a distance to make sure they are fed. Maybe check into a group like alley cat allies and inquire if there are any volunteers in the area. There are other groups too. The feral colony needs to be moved somewhere else to a safe place with a caretaker or they will need a volunteer to feed them sometimes to relieve mom - but she does seem to enjoy doing this.

[Cheetarah]

I can definitely understand the way you feel. I felt like this about my son's paternal side for awhile. Sad fact, they just weren't interested. It was and is rather pathetic to me, but then I think...Why would I want these people around him, anyhow - If they don't want to be there?

 

Lol, she has no idea how fortunate she is that you are not *that* daughter in law that DOESN'T want her visiting and dropping by. There is so much more of that than there is a son and daughter in law with basically an open door policy. It's too bad that she doesn't take you up on that. But, it is what it is. I get it. The only thing you can do is to work on letting go of the idea that she will fill those shoes you wish she would.

[journeynow]

Sounds like you don't like her cats, feel strongly about it, and judge her because of them. She might prefer the cats, they accept her for who she is.

[reinventmyself]

My mom is not a warm fuzzy person.

When my sons were little she would insist she either forgot how to hold a baby or babies didn't like her.

 

Funny thing is she says the same thing about cats. . lol

 

My mom adores her grandsons, in her own way. More so now that they are adults.

 

Don't take it personally and let it go.

Just because someone is a maternal or paternal grandparent isn't going to make them Mother Goose.

 

They either have the desire or don't. You can't change that and the sooner you let go of the notion the better.

It's hard when we have preconceived notions of how things are `supposed to be'.

Life rarely works that way, unfortunately.

[Lightattheend1]

Thanks all so much.

 

Yes...she is always welcome.

 

She didn't see her grandbaby for his first Christmas and probably won't for his first birthday.

 

She was always wanting a grandbaby ...

 

We are concerned with her mental status and also her physical health...and also the cats. (Last year, she was hospitalized many times...) The cats are not well ... missing ears...tails...eyes. We also think she has bunches sleeping in her car...it's infested with fleas.

 

Argh...