Am I being petty and mean?

[Dottieflanogon]

I have always had this pet peeve of people asking me for a ride if not offered, when they don't have their own vehicle and make it everyone else’s problem to transport them.I always get annoyed when anyone asks unless it’s an extreme circumstance(emergency) other than that it feels like an imposition to me. If someone is in a jam, then I'm more than happy to do do anything for them.

 

One of my co workers asked me which way I was going ,at the end of our shift and it turned out it was the same direction to a grocery store she wanted to go. Then she was like, I'll come with you because I want to run some errands. I said sure but it turned out it was just down the street, about 10 minute walk but yet she asked for a ride like 10 will kill you... ...I walk much longer distance than that sometimes.My grocery store is about 10 minutes away. I would walk to and from there several times a week while carrying groceries before I got a car. Anyways, I thought to myself, no big deal if its only a one time thing

 

 

 

Oddly enough ,she has continually asked to ride with me whenever she is heading that direction to run some errands.It has became habit and start to feel like an imposition .Keep in mind that she has to walk almost the same distance to the bus stop ,the opposite direction when she's going home most of the time. I'm mystified why she has to avoid a 10 minute walk , just because I'm heading that direction. I'm not being terribly inconvenienced but instead of staying on the main road, I have to make left turn into the intersection to drop her at the stop sign....from there she just have to cross the traffic lights to reach the mall. Then I have to make another left turn to go back on the main road to my destination, which only delays 2-3 minutes of my commute(no big deal).I just hate driving people around in general, nothing personal. I'm just not sure how to get out of this this gracefully.However, given that we work together, I'd like to decline her request in a tactful manner, so is there a better response than my natural reaction of telling her to "walk, get a taxi, or buy your own car" ?Am I being rude and petty about this ? I don’t mind if some of you “slap some sense into me”. Its just such a pet peeve of mine lol

 

Any thoughts or opinions on this would be greatly appreciated

[Cheetarah]

If it is such a peeve, why did you do it to begin with? Learn to say no. It's pretty empowering. Also - No is a complete sentence. You can always tag on an "I'm sorry" if that feels too daunting.

 

Don't do things you don't like to do, work up resentment to the point where you want to tell someone to buy their own car. Nip it in the bud before it gets to that.

[Hollyj]

If it's in the same direction, who cares.

 

It seems that you get easily annoyed.

[Seraphim]

I very often drive co workers home. One is on the other side of town from me. But it does not bother me at all. If it bothers you don't do it .

[Dottieflanogon]

If it's in the same direction, who cares.

 

It seems that you get easily annoyed.

 

Obviously I care , otherwise the thread wouldn't exist.Perhaps you get her work address become her personal chauffeur yourself? lol

[Dottieflanogon]

I very often drive co workers home. One is on the other side of town from me. But it does not bother me at all. If it bothers you don't do it .

 

Yea I know some people don't mind but to each to their own

[Seraphim]

Yea I know some people don't mind but to each to their own

 

That's why I said if it bugs you just don't do it.

[Dottieflanogon]

If it is such a peeve, why did you do it to begin with? Learn to say no. It's pretty empowering. Also - No is a complete sentence. You can always tag on an "I'm sorry" if that feels too daunting.

 

Don't do things you don't like to do, work up resentment to the point where you want to tell someone to buy their own car. Nip it in the bud before it gets to that.

 

I don't mind if its an occasion which why I did it.If its once in while or emergency sitution then no big deal.It becomes a pet vee when its expected. ...you are right, I have to say No before I get resentful

[Hollyj]

Obviously I care , otherwise the thread wouldn't exist.Perhaps you get her work address become her personal chauffeur yourself? lol

 

Then simply say no.

 

I'm certain that this is one of many things that annoys you. A lot of unnecessary stress.

[Dottieflanogon]

Sometimes I'm just put on the spot and find it socially awkward to say no when heading the same direction.Like what I said, once in while is fine but not when it becomes a habit

[Hollyj]

Save yourself the aggravation and tell her it's not possible. She'll catch the hint after a few tries.

[thejigsup]

If you are going the same way, why on earth not? You're not being mean, but petty? Yep.

[charity]

Yes it does seem mean and petty, I can't see the issue at all. Just wondering if you have an issue with driving...like maybe you get nervous when someone is with you?

[mhowe]

Sometimes I'm just put on the spot and find it socially awkward to say no when heading the same direction.Like what I said, once in while is fine but not when it becomes a habit

 

If you don't enforce your own boundaries, don't expect others to respect them.

[itsallgrand]

Am I wrong to get the impression Dottie that you have a lot of uncomfortableness around saying "no" in general?

[journeynow]

Sometimes I'm just put on the spot and find it socially awkward to say no when heading the same direction.Like what I said, once in while is fine but not when it becomes a habit

 

No need to feel on the spot, just feel prepared with what to say, such as "No, not this time." It's perfectly fine, and in fact is it nice to be clear, communicate, and not judge either way, nor need to justify yourself. It's ok to have your own plans, your own needs, your own boundaries.

 

I would much rather someone simply tell me no rather than be angry or resentful with me. I don't read minds and cannot always assume where another person's boundary is.

 

You can also ask them to pitch in for gas occasionally, or make your "yes" a "Yes, for a cup of coffee?" or something that feels like a win-win.

 

Now if you pass them walking in a thunderstorm, it would be also be kind to pick them up and give them a ride. That old Golden Rule rules.

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't think you're being "mean and petty", at least not intentionally. There's such a think as invading one's space, so to speak, which seems to be the issue here, (imo). This can be difficult to understand, and has nothing to do with being selfish, lacking empathy, etc.

 

I understand my opinion is in the minority range, but I can see where the OP is coming from.

[itsallgrand]

I don't think you're being "mean and petty", at least not intentionally. There's such a think as invading one's space, so to speak, which seems to be the issue here, (imo). This can be difficult to understand, and has nothing to do with being selfish, lacking empathy, etc.

 

I understand my opinion is in the minority range, but I can see where the OP is coming from.

 

I can understand too.

 

It makes me uncomfortable when coworkers etc. ask for many small favors such as rides, to spot them some money, to go pick them up coffee, whatever. I would prefer they allow me to offer it.

Unless of course it is very occasionally or a stuck a bad spot situation.

But some people are much more comfortable with asking for favors on a very regular basis, for things that they themselves could easily do. And yeah, it makes me uncomfortable. Having to say "no" so often, being put in that situation.

 

These are the people that if you do not have a strong sense of your own ability to say "no" and not feel badly about yourself or judge yourself as a person, you can easily find yourself in a set of expectations with the other people where you are doing a lot of running around for them, and they will react poorly if you decide one day you do not want to do it.

[journeynow]

I'd like to decline her request in a tactful manner, so is there a better response than my natural reaction of telling her to "walk, get a taxi, or buy your own car" ?

 

Another option to use when she asks:

 

"No, I usually need alone time on my way home."

 

or

 

"While I am going that directions, I have plans, so no, I'm sorry."

 

or

 

?

[Dottieflanogon]

Yes it does seem mean and petty, I can't see the issue at all. Just wondering if you have an issue with driving...like maybe you get nervous when someone is with you?

 

Nope, I just hate having passengers in my car for some reason, maybe its about having people in my personal space. I don’t mind if its occasional thing as long it doesn't escalate into an every day thing ,then it start to feel like imposition . When my eight hours are over, I am done for the day. I don't feel like doing one more little thing, I just want to go home in a peaceful uninterrupted drive home.

 

Its also a combination of liability issues ie being sued if involved in an accident. One of my friends used to give her co worker rides on regular basis since they live in the same apartment complex. Then one day ,they got rear ended while waiting on a red light by truck. Both my friend and the her co worker got minor injures. Guess what ,her co worker turned around and sue her, even though it wasn't my friend 's fault

 

I also had the same problem with different co worker who didn't live live too far out of my way ,ask me for ride one time .I didn't think much of it at first. But Sure enough she started asking everyday on shifts we both worked.While her apartment was only a couple of minutes out of my way, it felt like she was taking advantage of me. One afternoon she followed me to my car without even asking. I was nice but I told her I couldn't give her a ride that time, and told her no thereafter.That's just me though, I know some people don't mind

[boltnrun]

I carpooled with a coworker (I drove, she didn't have a car) because where I work, if you carpool you get a good parking space. If you don't, you have to park in the North 40 (about a 15 minute walk).

 

However, I didn't want to carpool. I too like my personal space, I like to blast music, I don't like small talk, and my coworker wasn't a friend, just a coworker.

 

So, instead of being mature about it, I was rude to her. Not extremely rude, but I was short with her, made some snide comments, disagreed with her on just about everything.

 

I WAS petty and mean. And it was my fault, because I had the choice between carpooling when I didn't want to, or parking out in boony-ville. And I chose the carpool. Neither of them was a great option, but it sure wasn't the coworker's fault.

 

I feel bad for being such a "B" to the coworker who didn't deserve my bad attitude. And now she is on an extended leave of absence, so I can't even apologize.

 

So, I recommend you just say, sorry but no.