I hate that he is happy and I am forgotten

[leahwjeffries]

Hi, I'm new here but this looked like a good forum for me to get involved in. I have been struggling lately about my ex-husband. I thought I was past it all but I always wind up in the same hole of feelings.

 

My ex-husband and I started talking online and within weeks had met, were dating, and even engaged on a whim... then it was only a matter of months before we had a small wedding and were husband and wife. I thought things were perfect for awhile but later I would learn one too many truths about this man... things like he married me just to hurt his ex-girlfriend, I was a pawn in a stupid game, and my whole relationship was a lie.

He proposed to me to try and get her jealous and to come back to him, then went through with it only because he was mad she wouldn't take him back. I later learned that even on our wedding day he was already telling her it was all a mistake and things like that. I found out that during our entire marriage he was cheating on me with her - emotionally and eventually physical, and he only left when she finally got over her own anger and wanted more than the sneaking around thrill.

 

I won't say that things were perfect with me and him but honestly a lot of this came out of nowhere for me. He lied about so much that makes me question just about everything that happened. I still feel stupid for believing in his lies and not realizing what was going on and being in a deteriorating relationship for as long as I was with me trying to do whatever to save it and fix it when really it was just hopeless in the end and always would have been.

 

I hate that I wasted those years with this man, being cheated and played, and I hate that it still bothers me to this day.

 

I hate that he's happy. I hate that he used me, that he was off being with his ex the entire time, I hate that he left me for her and they're still together. I hate that they've been happy, got married, have a family. I hate the jealousy over it all.... and over stupid things more than anything. Stupid things like he goes all out on her birthdays and never wanted to do anything for mine, that he bought them a house last year when all we ever did was struggle and bounce from place to place, hate that he never wanted to do anything with me but he goes to every concert, festival, family event, parade, amusement park, ect with her.

 

I hate feeling like I'm just not good enough or wanting to be her and just not being over it all.

[DoF]

Are you going to sit there and get yourself down into a hole? OR are you going to learn from it and allow this unfortunate situation to make you a better person? I would highly recommend that you stop dwelling, put your emotion and feelings aside, swallow your pride and MOVE ON. Seriously.

 

Make this into a positive. Let it make you a stronger woman, build character, make yourself better!!!

 

You need to learn from this. When you meet , there is to be a time investment in order to get to know that person well. As in MONTHS. During that time, do NOT cloud your mind with intimacy and pay CLOSE attention to the other person.

 

Absolutely NO big time decisions during Honey Moon phase of the relationship.

 

First few years is all about getting to know the person well, making sure they are a right person for you, good fit, positive influence and all of that jazz. ALLOW the other party to prove themselves to you!!!! Watch their action, watch who/what they make their priority. LOVE IS DEFINED BY ACTION, not words.

 

You simply rushed in, and you know what they say about those that rush....

 

Sorry to be so rough on you. But what really needs to happen is that you need to be rough on yourself right now.

 

Get him completely out of your life and mind and focus on yourself. Take few months to heal and during that time make yourself the best person you can be. Eat healthy and do LOTS of physical activity, this will help you take things off your mind and also improve your mental strength and stability.

 

And PLEASE educate yourself on relationships. 5 love languages is a great general relationship guide/great start. Read it few times and study it, it will not only help you, it will prevent such events from EVER happening again!

 

Good luck

[SpottiOtti]

Wow, what a terrible thing to happen to someone. I'm sorry that you had to go through this.

 

I don't want it to seem that I don't understand the pain you are feeling right now, because I do. Definitely. However, having come through the pain of a breakup, I have the advantage of hindsight, and I can tell you that eventually you are going to have to make the choice to stop wallowing in it and to pick yourself up and move on, or risk emotionally damaging yourself in ways you can't recover from.

 

There are silver linings here. As DoF said, you can choose whether or not you allow this experience to be a learning experience, to make you a stronger woman. The good news is, now you know the signs to look for that indicate you're being played. (It usually only takes once, then we learn, don't we? Been there.) I would say the warning signs have everything to do with the speed at which a person wants to progress the relationship. Healthy people who genuinely want a relationship with you will invest time into getting to know you. They will understand that you can't really begin to know a person until you've been dating them at least six months to a year, so getting engaged and married within that span of time is living in fantasyland, not in reality. Now you know that, and you can spot those red flags much sooner.

 

Another silver lining - the potential for self-growth. Ask yourself, what is it about instant intimacy that appealed to me so much? Typically it's because you A. Have a fairy-tale concept of love and relationships, or B. Suffer from low self-esteem and drink up the constant early validation like water in a desert. Either option provides you with an opportunity to learn about yourself and to grow and improve.

 

You will get through this. Give yourself X amount of time to wallow and be sad and hate yourself and hate him, and then choose to move forward. You can do it. Keep posting here if it helps.

[ParisPaulette]

Holy crap, I read this and all I can think is, "What a sociopath, you were with a sociopath. Aren't you grateful to be shed of him???"

 

Seriously, he and his ex soundly deserve each other. There's no happiness there either, they'll just continue to screw each other and anyone unlucky enough to be in their orbit over. You have shed a major burden out of your life, try looking at it from that viewpoint. Try shifting your view to she got the short end of the stick, a man so monumentally Fed in the head he'd marry someone else just to get to an ex.

 

The level of insanity that tells me about that person is just...frightening. These are the types of people that can hide bodies in a basement and be totally fine and chat with the mailman about the fricking weather. Scary doesn't even begin to describe it.

 

It's not a matter of she was better than you or he loved you less. It's a matter of you were with a very dangerous con and that con finally showed his true colors. The only thing I could think you would take away from this is a) don't leap into a relationship quite so fast next time and pay attention to what they say--good or bad--about their ex and b) when you're doing all the effort to fix things and they are doing nothing, after say a month or so of that cut them loose and move on.

 

Otherwise, wow. You have just dodged a d**k shaped bullet and seriously, this guy could be the poster boy for one of those "he seemed like such a nice fellow" crime stories.

 

You'll heal and move on and if you stay NC, if you keep that door firmly closed against him any time he might think he can start running a con on you again, you will see more and more of what was there all along. Not a guy who is happy, not a guy who is even capable of being happy, unless of course ruining lives is what makes one happy. Then yeah, I'm sure he and his buddy Hitler and a few others can trade stories in Hell, but in the land of the living his ex got the short end of the stick, not you.

 

My advice is to keep it that way and never look back. And please don't hate yourself, how the hell were you supposed to know this guy would be full on insane like that.

[kbbcoop77]

Wow you got played..that sucks. Sorry for your pain I get it. But you have to look at the bright side. He is a total tool that you are rid of and thank God you didn't have kids with him. You can completely erase him from your life.

 

How do you know so much what he is up to? You need to stay off the Facebook or whatever you're doing to get these kinds of updates as they do keep you stuck. The sooner you decide to leave him in the rear view mirror and move on without him the happier you will become

[redswim30]

I'm sorry you had to go thru this. I know the pain associated with wondering whether someone you married ever really loved you or not. It hurts.

The good news is you can choose to move forwards.

 

I hope you recognize that being angry at him isn't hurting him at all, it's only hurting you. You can be angry, but at the end of the day, it does not change what happened or make him

any less happy. Think about this, do you want to be the woman that if he were to look at you would say, "Thank GOD I divorced her, definite right decision. She's crazy, bitter , negative and angry" or do you want to be the woman that he says, " She is a really good woman, I'm sorry that I hurt her". Even though you would never actually hear those words, it's a good thing to keep in mind for your own benefit.

 

The best revenge is being happy. Proving that you are a complete person without him. Just as you were before him.

 

Everyone experiences pain in life, suffering is a choice. If you choose to continue to suffer, you will only make things worse on yourself and no amount of suffering you put yourself through

is going to lessen your pain, change the past or eliminate your regret.

 

Stop wasting your precious time on him, it doesn't sound like he is giving you a second thought. By staying in this mindset, you are giving him all your power, focus and energy when he gave you NONE of his! Think about that. Do you agree with him that you are not worth your own time, energy and focus? That even in divorce, him and his feelings are worth more to you than you are?

 

Stop worrying about him and focus on you. Think about the things you couldn't do when you were married that you now have the freedom to do. You are only forgotten if you choose to make yourself invisible to the world and to future happiness.

[bethandthebear]

You're better off whether he's happy or not, you need to go be happy and stop worrying over him

[saluk]

Most people in failed relationships always wonder about how much of what they felt in the relationship was real. It's usually a mix, some of it was real, some of it was exaggerated, and some of it was a lie.

 

The silver lining in this HORRIBLE situation, though it be but a small sliver, is that you know what was real - none of it. You don't need to wonder how horrible he was - he was close to as low as you can get. I know this probably isn't encouraging, but it can help you to move away from the idea that he or your former relationship is redeemable in some way. Where it won't help is in trusting someone else, and moving on to the next thing. Which is OK. You have to take your own time to sort through what happened. You will go through periods of jealousy like you are now. You will have periods of rage. How DARE someone invade me so intimately the way he did. Probably some depression, in figuring out how to put your life back together.

 

But that's what you have to do. That's the only way forward - to start putting your life back together, and stop looking back.

[TMifune]

If he's that lousy then take comfort in the fact that he most likely only appears happy. People like that are running from how lousy they really are. I don't think they're really happy.

[Hazyillusions]

How long after meeting did u get engaged?

It's always a red flag when a guy rushes it

[SooSad33]

"I have been struggling lately about my ex-husband. I thought I was past it all but I always wind up in the same hole of feelings."

- Am very sorry you had to endure such heart break That was an awful experience!

 

But, as mentioned.. it has to be dealt with in one way or another for YOU to be able to be 'happy' again in Life.

 

he does not deserve any further of your negative emotions. Don't waste any more of your energy on such a loser.

 

I suggest you look into some therapy to help you get thru this. Sounds like you've been quite damaged in a few ways?

(Trust, forgiving, mental,,?)

 

I've been thru a few broken relations.. an alcy... a cheater...etc.

I've managed to work my way thru my mixed emotions, etc.. in time, with help of therapy.

 

I wish you the best and that you will be able to work on YOU and be able to hve a healthy, happy relationship again,

[leahwjeffries]

About to go to sleep but wanted to do a quick reply, I do appreciate everyone's replies. I'm usually just fine that we are over but every once in awhile I get down and out and start overthinking.

[Capricorn3]

Just re-read your original post. Read it a few times. Let it sink in. You'll then realize you dodged a bullet and you really are not missing out on anything. Consider yourself lucky to be free of him.