Puzzled...She won't accept my fb friend request

[Sincereguy1]

Hello everyone. I wanted to get people's thoughts on why my girlfriend is not accepting my friend request on facebook. First, some background. She is a 25 year old Peruvian girl who moved to Australia in February. She is currently living with what she says is one guy and one girl in an apartment in st kilda Australia, but moved in there july 19th this year and never mentions anything about them. I think thats kind of strange because it is unusual to be living with housemates for 2.5 months and never say a word about them in any way as if they don't exist there in the apartment. The only time she did was when she days before moving in, said that there is one guy and one girl living there already. The previous place, a 5 bedroom house in clayton Australia, she lived in for 5.5 months and did the same thing, maybe once every 6 or seven weeks said anything about them but literally only did about 4 times in the 5.5 months she lived there and that was several weeks apart. In that place, she said it was 2 Brazilian guys and two girls who were already living there. She later, in may and june, said she was leaving because she couldn't stand one of the girls who she said was the wife of one of the two guys. Someone gave me the idea that the real reason she was leaving is that she was confronted by the girl she didn't like, over the husband or may over the other guy...like because the girl suspected their was interest in her husband or her husband had interest in my girl or worse.... that she found or suspected that something was going on. As to the question, i will say that for these and other reasons i have long had mistrustful feelings and thoughts about her but could never solidly say she is dishonest or a cheater or liar etc...just strong reasons to think those things are possible or are the case. I am African American and live in the United States and haven't seen her since april 8th last year, during which she visited me in the states for a week which means have not been in her physical presence for a year and 5 months. We have been together 2 years next month, in not an open but formal relationship, where the regular rules of a romantic relationship apply. Australia is 14 hours ahead of my time which is eastern standard time. 3 weeks ago, on friday September 4th at about 8pm which is saturday the 5th at 10am her time, i sent her a facebook friend request. On the following sunday (day later) about 8am my time, 10pm her time, i emailed her that i sent her a request and she replied,

"I just realized that i washed my phone with the bed sheets and now it won't turn on. And i didnt see any fb request so dont disturb me about it because i don't have a head for that because of my phone situation ". Three days later after seeing it still was not accepted i told her "its not normal to refuse to accept your bf's or gf's fb request because everyone in a relationship knows its normal to accept it and wants to accept it and since we are in a formal relationship it's better anyway to communicate through something more formal like facebook instead of informally by email....since email is not formal for a formal relationship ". Her reply was " I told you i didn't accept it because i didn't see the request because i deleted the fb app from my phone and because getting another phone was a more important issue".

So i have been waiting since September 5th (in her time) to today which is September 28th for her to accept it. Now, she just got a new phone 9 days ago, on the morning of saturday september 19th(morning her time on that day) and she still has not accepted it in the 9 days that have gone by after getting the phone, but she said 3 weeks ago that being upset about not having a phone is why she wasn't accepting my fb friend request.

I know that she uses her laptop every night before going to bed and that when she is on it she is also on her fb because i have seen many pics from her taken at night and other times that show her laptop open and in front of her face and a few times, i could see in the pic, the fb tab on her computer, as well as while here with me a year and a half ago, she was on fb all or many of the times that i saw her on her laptop. And once or twice during the 9 days after getting the phone, she sent me pics showing just that....her on her laptop at night. So i would like to know what people think of her not accepting my request especially given she said it was because of the phone issue but still has not accepted it 9 days after getting a phone. I mean its strange, she resolved by buying a phone, the issue in the way of accepting the request and 9 days after buying it still has not accepted it, though i know that after buying the phone she has been on facebook a number of times by laptop and while on there, seen the icon for the unaccepted friend request from me to remind her its there....but still not accepted it. I would say this proves not having a phone was not the real reason she has gone this whole time without accepting it and that the real reason has been that she is hiding something or someone from me or hiding me from someone. And i especially wonder what the reason is for not accepting it after buying her phone. By the way. I met her on an online dating site on October 23rd 2013. I would like to know what everyone thinks about her not accepting the facebook request.

Thanks.

[mhowe]

I think that no one besides you and her know she has a boyfriend.

[happyfrank]

Just call her and see how she is doing. You can always buy calling card to call her.

[shellyf62]

She is hiding something! I would break up with her & find a local girl!

Life is too short for so much drama

[SooSad33]

" Someone gave me the idea that the real reason she was leaving is that she was confronted by the girl she didn't like, over the husband or may over the other guy...like because the girl suspected their was interest in her husband or her husband had interest in my girl or worse.... that she found or suspected that something was going on. As to the question, i will say that for these and other reasons i have long had mistrustful feelings and thoughts about her but could never solidly say she is dishonest or a cheater or liar etc...just strong reasons to think those things are possible or are the case"

 

- Do you have trust issue's? Not good.. for a relationship with Long distance

 

There are other ways to communicate. Doesn't have to be on FB. There's Skype...etc.

I had 2 bf's, and never was their 'friend' on FB. Was no big deal.

[petite]

She has a boyfriend, and you are not him.

[Sincereguy1]

Hello again. As a followup to my last post "puzzled", i am posting this reply to the comments i got. Its an update resulting from further pressing the issue with her on accepting my fb request. As a few clarifications, my issue is not wanting to be on her fb just to be on it, but so anxious to be on it to see if and what she is hiding...as a few replies from my original post said is why she wont adf me. According to what im newly posting, she actually "admits"hiding something but her words say that what she is hiding is "details" abt her private life..in other words hiding that she is in a relationship and who with. As opposed to hiding something or someone from me or me from someone. Actually my post from our newest discussion shows that she is saying that what she is hiding is me and us from everyone...bcs she is private abt her life. I dont like to be hidden or that im with someone for any reason bcs it feels strange and unusual to be done for any reason. I and us are being kept a secret,if what she says about the hesitation is true. For in case her being a private person isnt the reason i will say that if i didnt think it was possible she was hiding someone or smthng from me or me from someone(in a way other than she is saying) then it wouldnt actually be the issue it is that she hasnt added me yet but it is bcs thinking she may be hiding something in a way other than she is explaining makes me anxious to be added to see what or who she is hiding from who, in fact THAT kind of hiding is the real hiding thats going on.

Tell me what you think people. Thanks

 

This is our newest whatsapp conversation after the initial ones referenced in my "puzzled" post....

[10/1, 7:54 AM] Alfred thomas: Ok. I sent something to your facebook. Ttyl later. Kisses.

[10/1, 7:55 AM] kiku: What ??

[10/1, 7:55 AM] kiku: Ok bye

[10/1, 8:35 AM] Alfred thomas: Oh. Well it was the friend request from me that we talked abt weeks ago and i also sent a message two days ago asking "can you tell me if you are receiving my messages on fb?"

 

But u didnt accept it yet or answer if u are receiving the messages, even though u said u didnt accept it yet bcs was upset about the phone, but two weeks have gone by after getting the phone but still have not accepted it yet. So these are what i meant by i sent something to ur facebook.

[10/1, 9:21 AM] kiku: I barely use it

[10/1, 9:21 AM] kiku: And

[10/1, 9:21 AM] kiku: I haven't

[10/1, 9:22 AM] kiku: Seen any message

[10/1, 9:22 AM] kiku: I use more Twitter

[10/1, 9:22 AM] kiku: Or Instagram

[10/1, 9:22 AM] kiku: But not fb

[10/1, 9:22 AM] kiku: I used to use it a lot

[10/1, 9:22 AM] kiku: Years ago

[10/1, 9:22 AM] kiku: But not

[10/1, 9:22 AM] kiku: Lastly

[10/1, 9:53 AM] Alfred thomas: Well dont know how u havent seen the msgs if you have the app on your phone because im sure you put the app on ur new phone bcs u said it was having problems only on ur old phone. And since u said u didnt add me was only bcs u were upset abt not having a ph, that tells me u wd have added me soon after getting the new one. Or within the two weeks that have gone by after getting it. But can u add? me bcs i do use it

[10/1, 9:55 AM] Alfred thomas: We can use it together.

[10/1, 10:26 AM] kiku: I can add u

[10/1, 10:26 AM] kiku: The thing is that

[10/1, 10:27 AM] kiku: I try tp dont use it

[10/1, 10:27 AM] kiku: I mean

[10/1, 10:27 AM] kiku: I just check

[10/1, 10:27 AM] kiku: Stuffs

[10/1, 10:27 AM] kiku: But

[10/1, 10:27 AM] kiku: I dont wanna

[10/1, 10:27 AM] kiku: Make public my life

[10/1, 10:27 AM] kiku: Like a teenager

[10/1, 10:27 AM] kiku: That's not my stils

[10/1, 10:27 AM] kiku: I rarely put a pic

[10/1, 10:27 AM] kiku: Almost never

[10/1, 10:28 AM] kiku: Yeats ago when l was 19 20 l use to public

[10/1, 10:28 AM] kiku: A lot

[10/1, 10:28 AM] kiku: But l think is time to be more mature

[10/1, 10:28 AM] kiku: And keep your life

[10/1, 10:28 AM] kiku: Private

[10/1, 10:28 AM] kiku: And not being expoising or showing

[10/1, 10:28 AM] kiku: Details

[10/1, 10:28 AM] kiku: To people

[10/1, 10:29 AM] kiku: I will add u tomorrow

[10/1, 10:29 AM] kiku: I am really tired

[10/1, 10:29 AM] kiku: Was talking tp my dad

[10/1, 10:29 AM] kiku: By whatsap

[10/1, 10:29 AM] kiku: And phone

[10/1, 10:29 AM] kiku: About the tickets

[10/1, 10:29 AM] kiku: And documents

[10/1, 10:29 AM] kiku: For universitu

[10/1, 10:29 AM] kiku: Gonna sleep

[10/1, 10:29 AM] Alfred thomas: I dont understand why cant now but ok.

[10/1, 10:29 AM] Alfred thomas: You have ur laptop in front of u maybe but well

[10/1, 10:29 AM] kiku: Because l gonna sleeeep

[10/1, 10:30 AM] kiku: ARE U A CHILD OR WHAT ?????

[10/1, 10:30 AM] kiku: IS OFFFFFFFF

[10/1, 10:30 AM] kiku: I AM IN MY BED

[10/1, 10:30 AM] kiku: DO U WANNA FIGHT AGAIN RIGHT?

[10/1, 10:30 AM] kiku: THE WORDS U JUST SAID SOME HOURS AGO

[10/1, 10:30 AM] kiku: JUST WENT TP

[10/1, 10:30 AM] kiku: AGAIN

[10/1, 10:30 AM] kiku: gonna sleep

[10/1, 10:30 AM] kiku: Bye

 

Thanks

 

Alfred

[mhowe]

I say again --- only you and she "know" you are dating. She is acting single where she lives.

[Rosti87]

I think her position is fine. Some people don't want their personal life out on the cloud. I know that I don't talk about or reference my relationship status on social media and never will.

 

There are adults that dont want their personal life in detail out there. You are making more out of this than you should. I would not include a person I am dating on my Facebook page until we we not just official but they have met my friends and my child in person.

 

To me letting in someone like that where there are relatives, children and best friends interacting and the person you are dating have not been introduced seems invasive somehow.

 

I think you need to respect her boundaries or move on.

[missmarple]

I would break up with her just because of the way she types her messages...lol

 

Seriously, though, she has an attitude about her that I find very annoying. And she's hiding something, too. Way too defensive for someone who has nothing to hide.

[JustWishing]

This is by far the oddest texting style I have ever seen!! Anyways. I think that she moved on and that she is hiding something. Okay, some people do not use their facebook often or not at all, but she is being overly defensive about it. If she really cared, she would have called you and explained to you what is going on with her Facebook, instead of telling you, that she is going to bed now!

[Hazyillusions]

She's either single to everyone else but you, or she's cheating on you sorry.

[Sincereguy1]

Hello thanks for the replies. As you see in the followup post, she said she would add me but that was 8 days ago and still has not. But just before saying she would she came up with another reason not to, that "i dont use it that much". Of course this was weeks after resolving what she said was the only issue in the way of doing it, being upset about not having a phone bcs it was washed with her sheets. Suspicious that when she first told me that she washed her phone, it was right after i told her that i sent a request. In response to my first post, 3 of 5 replies said she was hiding something including Mhowe and in response to my followup post on the matter, 3 of 4 replies said so, including Mhowe again. So i know she is hiding something, so the reason i'm so anxious to get added is to see WHAT she is hiding...her private life as she said is why she doesn't want to add me..(hiding that she is in a relationship and who with), from everyone, which would be understandable or hiding something that is not acceptable to hide, meaning hiding something or someone from me or hiding me from someone. It seems probable from the replies and logic that its the second possibility as to WHAT is being hidden. Which would probably mean hiding something concerning some other guy...like not wanting me or him to know of eachother. She denied that she continued having conversation with a guy that expressed interest in her with "good morning beautiful" and "i came accross a cute profile" comments to her after sending her a fb request. Saying that she did not say "nice to meet you" after the "good morning beautiful" comment and that except a "?" reply to him when he was saying hello days after his initial fb request was sent to her, that the only thing she said to him was "who are you" after he sent the request. She also denied accepting the friend request. She admitted that she never explained to him that she had a boyfriend neither in reply to his obvious expressions of interest or at any time(an "act" of acting single Mhowe?) during his contact attempts with her and explained that she wouldn't tell a guy who is pursuing her Thats she has a boyfriend becausr since she doesnt know him she doesnt need to tell him that about her and that if a guy is pursuing her (come ons etc), that she just ignores him and doesnt reply. I was told by the cousin of the guy that she did accept his request, did say "nice to meet you" in reply to the "gd morning beautiful my name is *******o" comment his reply to her "who are u?"

[Sincereguy1]

She admits he sent the request and that he made those two comments but denies that she accepted the request, or that she replied to the "good mrng beautiful " comment with "nice to meet you" or replied to the "i came accross a cute profile" comment with ""what's up" or that after her "whats up"? she deleted him then later send HIM a request ".. Saying that the only things she said to him were the "who are u"? After he sent the request and a "?" symbol when he days after requesting her, said

"Hello". Mhowe i noticed that "experts" use this forum and that u have replied to other peoples posts with advice, and that in your previos replies to me, seem realky knowledgeable and confident in your advice to me, as though u are certain thar whar u are telling me are true. May i ask if you have sone formal training in psychology or related field? Im intrigued. Thanks.

[Sincereguy1]

Demol you had a reply? It was blank. Thanks.

[Caty]

Are you serious now? Why is it so important for you to have her on Facebook? Its just Facebook.... She told you in the text that she doesn't want her life on Facebook. I'm just like her. I don't post pictures of people I'm dating on Facebook... I want my life to be private and not like other people that post hundreds of pictures and is a relationship on Facebook after just one month. I'm seeing this guy and I don't have him on Facebook and I never bothered asking for it...

[Sincereguy1]

Caty. Im insisting on being on her fb not to be on her fb, but because i want to see WHAT or who she is hiding. Or to see if she is hiding me from someone. Look at the other peoples posts. Two replied to the conversationy u are talking about by saying she is being too defensive for someone who is hiding nothing. They are saying that she is hiding something OTHER than her private life and her relationship from public view...which means they think that WHAT she is hiding is someone or something from me, or me from someone. I am convinced that its posdible that what she is really hiding is one of the two. So getting on her fn will show me which one if either. Thats the true reason i want to be added so badly. I even asked her 3 days ago why she told me 21 days ago that she will add me tomorrow but when tomorrow came she didn't do it....and i have been waiting for 3 days for an answer As soon as i asked it on whatsapp, she literally disappeared from and exited whatsapp...but was talking to me for about 10 minutes before i asked it. I have not heard from her since she abruptly left the conversation upon asking that. Another thing is that in the two years i have known her, she has literally never once BROUGHT UP anything about her guy friends but several times has brought up things about her girl friends. This made me think she is hiding something about her guy friends. It seemed to be confirmed when i asked her something two weeks ago about some GUY friends at her school when she answered me by talking about GIRL friends. She has guy friends on her fb, and seems to be hiding something about her guy friends as i explained.... See why i say that maybe the real reason why she is not adding me is because there is SOMETHING or SOMEONE on her facebook that she us hiding as opposed to not adding me to be private about her life and who she is with?

[Sincereguy1]

As further reason to think she may be hiding something on her fb other than being private about her life and relationship, during a break up a few months ago we had a conversation in which this occurred....

Me: Anytime you have somethimg to say i listen but when i have something to say you dont want to hear it. This is not fair.

Her: you listened because you had to.

Her: (in a separate reply)

I can do what i want, i don't

care if its fair or not.

Now i dont know if she was saying " i can do what i want" as in she. can because at the moment of that conversation, we were not together, or if she meant in general, like even when she is in a relationship. The possibility that she meant the 2nd tells me obviously she has done wrong many times...cheating type things...and that therefore she could be hiding something on her fb other than her private life and relationship with me...hiding something on her fb about some other man or men.

[ruerue]

Are you serious now? Why is it so important for you to have her on Facebook? Its just Facebook.... She told you in the text that she doesn't want her life on Facebook. I'm just like her. I don't post pictures of people I'm dating on Facebook... I want my life to be private and not like other people that post hundreds of pictures and is a relationship on Facebook after just one month. I'm seeing this guy and I don't have him on Facebook and I never bothered asking for it...

Come up. She is hiding a lot. She's bad news. Even worse than the girlfriend I got. Dump her like a hot potato.

[Fudgie]

Out of my relationships, there were only 2 partners that I added to Facebook. My reason was that for a while, I had relationships, several long term too, and I didn't tell my family and I didn't want them to know. Thus, they couldn't be on my Facebook because that's where my family was and I was worried they were going to find out.

 

I understand you don't want to be a "secret" but from the way I'm reading it, you are, and that's why she can't add you.

[Rosti87]

Out of my relationships, there were only 2 partners that I added to Facebook. My reason was that for a while, I had relationships, several long term too, and I didn't tell my family and I didn't want them to know. Thus, they couldn't be on my Facebook because that's where my family was and I was worried they were going to find out.

 

I understand you don't want to be a "secret" but from the way I'm reading it, you are, and that's why she can't add you.

 

I'm with Fudgie here. People have different boundaries. Some are tighter than others. I too would not add someone I just started dating to Facebook because I have family (both mine and my exes) on my list. Unless I want my family to 'meet' him I would not add him. Is that 'hiding' something. Yes and No. Yes in the sense that I would not want to bring someone I did not know well and do not know if the relationship is for the long haul to meet my nearest and dearest. No in the sense that there is nothing secretive that is being hidden. Just my privacy.

 

Having said this in your situation, I find both her banter and yours to be immature. Whinging about things 'not being fair' screams victim's mindset. That is unappealing to many adults. It is what teenagers say when they can't get their way. Then your woman turns around and gets flippant with "I don't care if it fair or not" which just adds fuel to the fire.

 

Bottom line for whatever reason she does not want you in her inner circle. Is this a permanent state? Who knows. You will have to make the call. I don't think there is an innocent here in this situation. I think there needs to be a management of expectations on your part and more decorum on her part. All I see incompatibility here. You want a relationship with certain boundaries and she wants one with different boundaries. If I were you I would back off and look for other options.

[Sincereguy1]

Hello rosti. Well in my first post on the matter, I stated that I am African American. I have wondered before, if the reason she won't add me is because her family is racist or at least not accustomed to black people. As opposed to not doing it for the other possibility, that she is hiding me from someone other than family....from her guy friends or someone who is more than a friend that is on her FB/ hiding someone or something that is on her FB from me. The reason I say this is she changed subject....talked about her instead coming here...when I suggested me visiting in her family's house in Peru and because I know that they are very racist against blacks and indigenous Peruvians in peru. Well I will know soon if not adding me is bcs she is conscious about my color concerning her family and friends that are on her FB or not adding me for the other possible reason. By the way. We have been in a relationship for two years.

Thanks

[Rosti87]

If you have been in a relationship for two years why do you tolerate such behaviour from her? I would have been gone a long time ago. About a year or so into a committed relationship most couples have been introduced to family and friends. If you have not been introduced to her family by now then you have been officially parked. This is probably as good as it is going to get.

 

If I were you I would stop the pleading. It is unattractive. Tell her what type of relationship you want. If she does not agree with it then you need to move on. You already wasted 2 years on this and appear to be in a holding pattern. No need to waste more time if you guys are that incompatible.

 

PLEASE do yourself a favor and stop the whinging and moaning about things not being fair. It puts you in a weak position and encourages her to dismiss you. If you suspect racism (be careful you are certain of this) and she complies to what you suspect is her family's beliefs then you need to cut her loose. Why would you want to date someone that co-signs to that mindset?