Ran into ex after 20 years. Is friendship possible?

[sportsfan11100]

20 years ago, my girlfriend of three years (she was my first love) had cheated on me, at which point we broke up. We initially tried to stay friends but eventually drifted apart after about a year, and we have not had any contact since.

 

Fast forward 20 years... I am married now with kids, but I ended up running into that old girlfriend at the bus terminal in our city earlier this year. We were both completely shocked to run into each other, but we managed to have a quick conversation to catch up. She knew I was married and asked about my kids. I asked about things on her end, and she said she was still single and just keeping busy. I ended the conversation by saying I had to catch my bus but it was great seeing her. I emailed her a few days later saying it was good to see her, let's stay in touch, etc. She never responded.

 

I don't have any kind of romantic feelings for her (my wife knows the history and I told her about our encounter and that I had messaged her), but I guess there is a part of me that will always care about her, and with so much time having passed, would welcome having a friendship with her. I'm not naive to think that she didn't get my email and would have responded if she wanted to.

 

Anyway, her birthday is coming up next week. I'm debating whether to reach out to her one more time to wish her a happy birthday and keep the lines of communication open. Considering she never responded, my gut instinct is to respect her silence, not do anything and let her respond first to my original email. Would definitely appreciate your thoughts. Thanks

[Sportster2005]

I would respect her silence.

[Capricorn3]

my gut instinct is to respect her silence, not do anything

Your gut instinct is correct and you should respect her silence.

 

That said, I also somehow get a gut feeling that it is not only her friendship you are after - I know you insist it is, but really, do you honestly think you guys will suddenly have an amazing happy "friendship" and that your wife will be happy about it? Me thinks you need to be honest with yourself first.

[indea08]

20 years later?? How do you even know she uses the same email? I don't use the same one from 6 yrs ago. And how the heck do you remember her birthday?

 

If wifey is okay with it, I think a happy birthday is an okay final attempt.

[abitbroken]

Great that you were able to talk civily. I would not pursue a friendship at all.

 

If the circumstances were that she ended up being the mom of one of the other kids on the soccer team, or some situation where you regularly saw her, I would say friendship AS A COUPLE if your wife was okay with it and got to know her would be one thing. Trying to start a new friendship out of a chance meeting - I would not. Respect her silence. Let it just be nice closure that you saw her and she is doing fine. do not send her a birthday message. She did not respond to you. If a guy who I used to date started sending me notes even though I hadn't responded previously, i would think he has other motives - marriage hitting a rough spot, etc. Don't excavate someone from the past.

[melancholy123]

Dont send her a card, respect her silence. She knows how to contact you if she wants to.

[Naomi99]

If I was single and ran into an old BF from 20 years ago who was now married with kids, and he sent me a birthday card the following week, I would think he had ulterior motives.

[meozorchild]

You want this ex back in your life bro. Cmon now. Use your head.

 

The email was enough. No more innocuous messages.