Feeling very tired from the rollercoaster, not sure whether to step off...

[Crabby]

I've been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years, we've been living together for 2 months, however the circumstances of her moving in with me were unfortunate, in that she had a huge conflict with her family and they basically kicked her out, so here we are.

 

When we met I was struggling somewhat, in poorly paid work and living in a pretty run down apartment, however i was making ends meet and I always found work if I needed to, and despite being qualified to postgrad level i've done some crappy jobs... gardening, cleaning, production line etc. My partner had a good job at the time, and as well as being younger than me she was doing extremely well. During this time she was very encouraging and supportive toward me, but over time it's almost as if we've changed places, because i now have a decent job after 6 years of struggle, and she is suffering badly in every way.

 

She quit her good job to move closer to me and her family, and to go back to university and get further learning with the hope of getting a better job. At the time I expressed concern that it was a risk to leave a good job in this climate but she was sure of finding a better employ... however after the course ended last year she has no job and has been suffering depression for the last 12 months. I've been supportive as i can over this, having suffered depression myself for quite a few years of my life, and being in a relationship with a depressed person is quite tough, in fact it has been very tough. My girlfriend has been unable to find any kind of work and the day to day roller coaster of the job hunt is against the backdrop of her depression and now more recently difficulties with her family.

 

I'm now supporting us, which isn't too bad because I now have a much better job and have emerged from the tough times. Part of the problem is that I've been through this and now I have to watch my partner come through it too, and perhaps rather selfishly I want to be able to enjoy my new found personal success, but instead I'm trying to help my partner negotiate the maze of depressions and anxieties made worse by the unemployment and family problems.

 

I don't mind supporting this person, because i love her. However I have to constantly defend my position because of her depression, and it's exhausting me. She has the personality type where she is generally negative about things. She is away for a few days with her mum, and to be perfectly frank I feel relieved, which is horrible, but it's good to have a break from her problems, and i say her problems because i cannot find a job for her, and I cannot fix hr family, I can only offer my financial and emotional support . She texted me earlier to say hi, and then started talking about how the situation 'can't carry on' and other negative comments. So i told her to try and enjoy her break because we know the situation and there is no point to be rehashing things every day. I really just want her to find a little success, for her and so I can stop watching her struggle as it's so painful.

 

2 months ago my partner took an overdose, after the family argument where they disowned her for not wanting to work in the family business. She had worked with her family before but they are bullies and i would not want or expect her to work there. Since the overdose she has been living with me, and i try to keep an eye on her. I want her to get better, but we argue about money, about a lot of things and I am becoming resentful because I know we could be very happy, we have been at points, but my frustration stems from the fact that we seem to have been robbed of happiness by circumstances beyond our control.

 

To add to the mix, her father is also my landlord, he dislikes me intensely because he thinks i had a hand in her leaving the family business and has threatened to kick us out on the street more than once. This all adds to the stress, I really am considering bailing and getting away from this, and I know it will kill me for years, because i love her and I am the only person she has, but it has been a long battle and I'm trying not to feel resentful to this lovely, peaceful and decent person.

 

I haven't even mentioned my own family, I do what i have to do there... but i am increasingly wishing for a desert island to live on.

[melancholy123]

Is she getting any professional help to deal with her depression? How about some career counselling? I would think her parents and her lack of a job both compound to make her feel really awful. I know you are trying to help her but maybe she needs a professional.

 

I also understand your thoughts of bailing on her but could you live with yourself if you did?

[Crabby]

I'm not sure i could live with myself if i did bail. In fact I think it would be wrong, I am wary of being dragged down though, I think my own well being is actually under threat. She quit her antidepressants early against advice, and she has some professional help in the process of being arranged (takes a while here).

[DoF]

How is her diet (what she eats) and how much physical activity does she do on daily basis?

 

This is probably more important than the meds....

[Crabby]

I've tried the whole physical exercise and diet thing because that really helped with my depression, unfortunately my partner is very stubborn and only does exercise if she feels like it, which is never because she's depressed. We eat pretty healthily though.

[ThatwasThen]

We all are entitled to be happy and if you aren't happy then its your responsibility to do the things that will make you at peace and happy to be alive instead of glad you're not dead.

 

You must stop enabling her and encourage her to get the help she needs for her depression so that she is motivated enough to be able to convince a prospective employer that she is a good candidate for the job. With her current state of mind, she'll not be able to do that.

 

You might start out your conversation with her by offering her two books:

The Art Of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale and...

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

 

Both of which will (hopefully) get her out of giving off the negative vibes she's sending out that are bouncing back to affect her in general.

 

Here are some links as well that you may want to get her reading. She needs to be back on her meds as well and going cold turkey on anti-depressants will only have made her worse then before she started taking them. Get her to go to her doctor and get the referral she needs to a counsellor. If she won't go then YOU look after yourself. You are not responsible for her when she won't even be responsible for herself so maintain strong boundaries for yourself that if she crosses, you be smart enough to stop this life of caretaking you've found yourself in. (caretaking is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiving).

 

Here's one link: Google "Positive Thinking Exercises" and make it known that you expect her to stop falling into the trap of her own negativity for BOTH your sakes.

 

link removed

[DoF]

I've tried the whole physical exercise and diet thing because that really helped with my depression, unfortunately my partner is very stubborn and only does exercise if she feels like it, which is never because she's depressed. We eat pretty healthily though.

 

Do it yourself, often it pushes our loved ones into it if they see you do it. Be presistant and keep inviting her even if the gets annoyed.....

 

Don't give up on her.

 

Meanwhile, she HAS to start taking meds......

 

Watch the situation closely, if you feel it's effecting your life, and it will effect your future family/kids etc you will have to make a decision.

 

Personally I would be hesitant to continue....but you would know better than us if there is hope or if it's a done deal.

[Crabby]

Thanks for the input. I do need to mark out some firm boundaries. I have gone from offering occasional emotional support to propping her up mentally, which isn't helping either of us or our relationship.

[Crabby]

I weight lift and I've tried to get my gf to come along with me (weightlifting doesn't necessarily make you a beefcake) but she's generally reluctant to try new things, which is a recurrent theme.

[j.man]

You have to look after you. Taking care of someone unwilling to help themselves amounts to nothing more than enabling and you both become a detriment to each other. She needs to know that you're of course willing to support her, but also that your support is not unconditional.

 

Also, if you're making good money now, why on earth would you stay under her father's jurisdiction? Taking care of her is tasking enough. You don't need to be caught between her and her family on top of it. If you're going to stay with her, I'd strongly consider moving elsewhere and ASAP.

[mhowe]

She been disowned by her family...but she is on vacation with her mom and her father is your landlord?

 

That doesn't seem like much of a break to me.

Do you have a signed lease for your apartment?

 

If she has no job, why doesn't she work for the family business part time and look for fulfilling work part time?

[Crabby]

She been disowned by her family...but she is on vacation with her mom and her father is your landlord?

 

That doesn't seem like much of a break to me.

Do you have a signed lease for your apartment?

 

If she has no job, why doesn't she work for the family business part time and look for fulfilling work part time?

 

She has fallen out with her father and brother.

 

To the previous poster, I'm working on it but money is short when paying for two.

[j.man]

Do you know for certain she was kicked out? And are you certain they're upset with her for not working with them, or simply refusing to work, period?

 

Are you paying below market value for this current place? What exactly do you mean by he's your landlord? Does he own an apartment complex or are you renting a guest house or something?

 

The same advice of needing to be willing to help yourself goes just as much for you as it does for her. Right now, you're stuck in her drama and with being subject to her father, you're at his whim. If there's no way to get out of this while financially supporting her, then you need to cut the cord, get out, get yourself out any position wherein her family has authority over you, and maybe once you're independent of them, you can help her. But this situation you're in right now... it ain't good.

 

Life's too short to be voluntarily putting yourself through this kind of ****.

[rosephase]

I've been with my partners through depression. It was rough. It is hard to be a partner to a depressed person. Are you taking good care of yourself? Are you taking time for yourself? Are you doing things you enjoy? Do you know what makes you relaxed/happy/refreshed?

 

When both of my partners were depressed (we all live together) I had to take a lot of long walks. I needed a lot of time alone to process and heal. I needed time with my friends outside of my relationships, I needed a lot of time in nature. The better I took care of myself the better able I was to take care of them. Which, for me, meant a lot of time away from them. I also needed people to lean on, people to share my struggles with. It's a killer. I faced it for years and even though we are years past the darkest spots I still deal with anger and fear about that period of our relationship.

 

Things that helped me was seeing them -get help-. It is so much easier to support a person if you can see they are -trying-. The trick is depression robs you of the will to try. It's just a really difficult time.

 

When my boyfriend finally stepped out of depression (after medicating and then going off meds) he wanted to celebrate and I was so angry at him. It took awhile to let go of that anger.

 

I don't know what you should do but I'm glad I stayed with my partners through our hard times it's helped me be a person I respect and like. I've learned a lot about myself, my needs, my desires and how I want to be in the world. I think that work has made me a better partner and a better person. But I wouldn't sign up for it again... ever.

[Crabby]

I'm pretty sure she was kicked out, i wasn't there though. However when we've argued she does the walk away routine so i wouldn't be surprised if she had at least in part instigated it. The whole thing was extremely dramatic and has a few red flags around it, though having had a few 'conversations' (read lectures) with her overbearing father I can see how it might have come to be, her family seem to be very unilateral, authoratarian and black and white in their thinking while I'm more about exploring the grey areas.

 

The rent is below market value, her dad was eager to get me in as a tenant when my old flat had to be vacated (before my partner moved in, though it was implicit that she would eventually) it's a flat above his shop. He's my landlord in a casual sense and no tenancy agreement has been signed, i pay rent in advance and on time.

 

One weird thing... I have to collect my mail from his business and although I could put a post box into the flat easily and get my mail delivered straight to me, i need his permission and he won't give it. Which makes me think control freak issues. There isn't any decent reason why he would refuse. Having to collect my mail from this guy is difficult, he's awful, he didn't even express remorse at my partner/ his daughter being ill and taking an overdose. He's an awful person with a lot of power over me.

 

I am completely mired in my partner's family/ personal drama. Currently saving money as much as possible but it's probably a couple of pay checks like 7 weeks or so before I can move out, if that's what i decide to do.

 

You're right, life is too flipping short!