Wife "likes me" and is attractive to me, but wants to run away from being a wife

[Unreasonable]

My wife is having a bit of a mid-life crisis, i think. If you've been following my threads, we've had quite a few ups and downs in our marriage, though nowadays we get along well enough with not a lot of conflict. She says she loves me, and we have great sex, but she confessed to me that she fantasizes about living on her own, taking the younger 2 of our four kids (that's what she thinks she could handle), and living the single life. I would get our 16 year old daughter (honestly our best behaved child), and our adult son (a basement dweller who would not be there for long if it were up to me). She wants to escape her responsibilities, and she doesn't think she can do that with me (I guess being a wife means you have to meet another person's expectations and can't just think of yourself). Maybe she wants to see other people (she denies this). She also thinks that if we separated she'd grow to appreciate me more.

 

I am fairly certain that a separation will lead to a divorce. To me a separation more of a dress rehearsal for divorce, and less of a trial in finding yourself and assessing your life. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong about this.

 

I also think her problems are going to follow her wherever she goes, because she's kind of a mess.

 

Regardless of whether its just a fantasy or not, I'm tempted to cut her loose and let her sink or swim. I'm not really here to ask whether I should do that or not, because ultimately I'll make that decision on my own. I'm more interested how I should handle it, how much I should support her financially and other ways, etc. If she goes, I don't want everything to be butterflies and roses for her. I want her to get a real taste of what a permanent situation would be.

[TMifune]

Absence only makes the heart grow fonder when your energy is focused on being back together again.

 

Everyone fantasizes about escaping their responsibilities. Responsibilities suck, they make demands of us when we'd rather be doing something else. But they're also one of the things that build love and relationships. She has responsibilities to her children which requires her to put energy into them and that energy builds the love, it builds the relationship.

 

Ultimately I think running from her responsibilities would just make her less happy and less fulfilled. I think having some different interests and different things that you do, having some of your own space is healthy, but I think only in the rarest cases does marital separation really improve the relationship.

[pippy longstocking]

It sounds to me like she is just trying to dress up a divorce , maybe trying to dress it up for herself as well as you .

[RainyCoast]

she wants to escape her responsibilities. emphasis on two words

 

RESPONSIBILITIES

she shouldn't be extending her midlife crisis to her children. her sudden need for escape should not affect them. they sound young. if she wants to be separated then arrangements need to be made about the kids in a manner that respects the childrens need for a measure of stability. it honestly sounds like she is talking about separating two kids from their dad and siblings and dragging them with her off to Wonderland where people are held accountable for nothing and bask in the sun with no responsibilities. she's not thinking about anyone's benefit other than her own. da heck.

 

ESCAPE

having had a peak at an older thread of yours she's not really working on this marriage it seems. emotional cheating. appears to be the type that needs a new excitement before she can leave the old excitement. and when the new isn't exciting any longer she looks for a new one and/or reactivates the old one. How is running away improving anything or helping the relationship? what kind of a person believes their relationship magically becomes good if they hide someplace keeping themselves distracted from it?

 

 

she's acting like a confused hen running around pecking everywhere for treats.

 

it is up to you to decide whether this is okay with you and whether you want to stay together. sounds like you won't. and i personally wouldn't. but i think you need to make sure it doesn't negatively affect the children.

[DoF]

Her words and actions are completely different.

 

If she loved you, she would want to be with you.

If she loved your kids, she would want to be with them as well.

If she love you, she would do whatever it takes, not cherry pick responsibilities as she pleases.

 

I would communicate this to her and simply tell her that she just needs to suck it up and accept the family for what it is.

 

If she doesn't and decides to leave, all bets are off. And no, make it clear that you will not sit there and wait for her to get back or whatever at her convenience. Once she leaves, relationship is off, over.

 

You don't get breaks or pauses in relationships. It doesn't work like that.

 

Meanwhile I would document/record all of this and see a lawyer. You are correct, this will be the end of it.

 

She is checking out, most likely with one foot out the door already. I would also ask her for her phone and go thru it (when you do, make sure she hands it off right then and there, cause if she doesn't....she is hiding something).

 

Chances are high she has been up to no good already......

 

Good luck

[mhowe]

It's a syndrome known as Run Away Wife ---- check the divorce section here. John Bendix has a great thread.

[RainyCoast]

I guess being a wife means you have to meet another person's expectations and can't just think of yourself.

 

I also think her problems are going to follow her wherever she goes, because she's kind of a mess.

 

 

yes.

yes.

 

nothing here implies she digs this "marriage/adulting/family-raising" thing.

[Unreasonable]

It's a syndrome known as Run Away Wife ---- check the divorce section here. John Bendix has a great thread.

 

Thanks, do you have a link for that perchance?

[mhowe]

Thanks, do you have a link for that perchance?

 

Don't know how to do that ----- Thread is called Relationship with X John Bendix. Divorce Forum./

[TMifune]

Don't know how to do that ----- Thread is called Relationship with X John Bendix. Divorce Forum./

 

Link:

 

[Unreasonable]

Thanks. I agree with most things said here. Thanks folks.

[WithLove]

It sounds like you don't care one way or another if she leaves or stays.

 

Would you try to make yourself a life with someone else after her, or do you not care about that, either? (Not meant maliciously)

[Unreasonable]

It sounds like you don't care one way or another if she leaves or stays.

 

Would you try to make yourself a life with someone else after her, or do you not care about that, either? (Not meant maliciously)

 

I care, I would rather she not leave, because I don't think it will help. At the same time, I don't want her thinking about what could have been, if only she had time away from me.

 

I haven't given a second thought about what would happen with someone else. There is no someone else right now, and I would probably take on any new relationship very carefully, after some time to myself. I don't see myself being single forever, but again that is not top on my mind.

[TMifune]

I care, I would rather she not leave, because I don't think it will help. At the same time, I don't want her thinking about what could have been, if only she had time away from me.

 

I haven't given a second thought about what would happen with someone else. There is no someone else right now, and I would probably take on any new relationship very carefully, after some time to myself. I don't see myself being single forever, but again that is not top on my mind.

 

When you really commit, when you get married you give up "what could have been".

 

She committed her life to you and the family you've built through marriage. If she wants to walk away, there's nothing you can really do to stop her, but really by indulging in these fantasies she's not really honoring the spirit of her marriage values, it still adhering to the letter.

[journeynow]

...nowadays we get along well enough with not a lot of conflict. She says she loves me, and we have great sex, but she confessed to me that she fantasizes about living on her own, taking the younger 2 of our four kids (that's what she thinks she could handle), and living the single life.

 

...Regardless of whether its just a fantasy or not, I'm tempted to cut her loose and let her sink or swim. I'm not really here to ask whether I should do that or not, because ultimately I'll make that decision on my own. I'm more interested how I should handle it, how much I should support her financially and other ways, etc.

 

I don't think the kids need to be split up, but she does need to continue raising all of them, either joint custody or visitation w/ child support.

 

I don't think you should support HER financially in this, she has to cover her own expenses for living on her own, and you both financially and emotionally support the children

 

My husband, now ex, did this, said much the same (no fighting, still love but different, didn't want the responsibility of a relationship and house) but thank goodness it was after the kids had grown and left home. I made suggestions such as taking a marriage sabbatical and other ideas, but he had already transitioned to being single and wanted to cut loose, and stay friends. I think he tried to be as kind as possible, but it was tough emotionally for me. I've heard of other couples where one has an apartment they visit several nights a week, not for an affair (supposedly) but for private space and time. Other couples live apart for various reasons but remain committed and nurture their relationship in their own way. There are some couples who live in houses next to each other, so separate yet close. However, since your wife's split will affect (and confuse) the kids, it needs to be very very clear.

 

To clarify, this can be called the Runaway SPOUSE syndrome. It's not just wives who shed relationship commitments.

[melancholy123]

What about your kids? Has anyone talked to them about this? Their feelings really need to be taken into account on a huge level. She could really mess them up if she takes off with 2 and leaves 2 behind.

[Unreasonable]

I think in her fantasies the kids will just be like "whatever."

 

Our oldest son (19) rarely graces us with his presence. My 16 year old daughter clearly favors me and I do not think would want to go with her, and I don't think my wife would care (at least short term). Since there is dysfunction in the family, I think my wife thinks she can "save" our 14 year old daughter and 8 year old daughter and turn them into perfectly functional adults (which is laughable since I think she is quite unstable).

 

I think, at least our older kids, already know we're holding on by a thread.

[journeynow]

Maybe the kids can be given a choice, then, but that's a tough one to put on kids. Even though the older two may not seem to care, or may choose you, that doesn't mean they aren't sensitive to their mother leaving THEM.

[RainyCoast]

okay please do not just calmly let this tripping oversized teenager take the two kids.

[Helpexpressme]

Time to cut the cord baby! Let her sink or swim. Enough of her nonsense.

[Khaleesi86]

Your situation sounds pretty typical to me.. The new normal, really: Meet... Knocked up... Try it out... 1 months turns into 5 years (or 5 kids)... Inevitable unhappiness... BU...

(This goes back to my whole philosophy of making smarter smaller decisions before you're forced to make a big one.)

 

Her mental state isn't going to improve... She NEEDS to get out and try to live the life she wants to live. If that means leaving you, then it's what she needs to do. I'd let her go. I never understood why people have a hard time letting people go who clearly don't want to be there - for valid or invalid reasons.

 

She's not abandoning her role as a wife and mother... She just wants to do her. I get it. I don't even think she's a monster. She's taking the children and it sounds like there will be joint custody and all that?

 

That being said, how do you feel about the specifics of her request? Not her wanting to do this... let her be and do it... but the dynamic of her taking the 2 younger? Are you OK with that? Would you want them, etc?

I think your best option is to work out the specifics of this separation (that's what it is, BTW) that YOU are OK with and just get on with your life.

[Fudgie]

Doesn't your wife have a history of emotional affairs or inappropriate contact?

 

I think she's being delusional. She thinks it will just be a fun little thing, living alone with 2 kids, breaking up a family, to date around and pretend that she's young and free again? What a joke. She needs to get a grip.

 

Are you sure that she's being faithful? She may have someone waiting in the wings for her. Sure sounds like it anyway.

[jimthzz]

My spidey sense tells me that she has another man or men lined up already and wants to get her single girl freak on while you pay the freight.

 

Consult with a divorce lawyer and cut her loose.

 

BTW, get tested for STDs, you may have already been exposed.

[RainyCoast]

Doesn't your wife have a history of emotional affairs or inappropriate contact?

 

I think she's being delusional. She thinks it will just be a fun little thing, living alone with 2 kids, breaking up a family, to date around and pretend that she's young and free again?

THIS!!!

 

Delusional. she has a history of this tripping on the idea that there is something out there that will magically make her feel whole and she goes from one trippy attempt to another to get it. It is not that she feels that she needs to do this for herself because it would be healthy. it is that she has done nothing to feel whole in what-20 years- and believes happiness will magically appear in the form of the next guy, or an ex or escaping- nevermind what the consequences of these actions are for other's involved.

 

It is reasonable to let her go for good. But it is also reasonable to assume a woman with this mindset, inconsistent behavior and an inability to commit in deed rather than just on paper perhaps should not have two kids in their formative years with her.

[Fudgie]

I agree with RainyCoast. If she takes your two youngest, I would bet money that they would be subject to Mommy's revolving door of d__ks while she "figures out what she wants".

 

I normally don't advocate snooping but the relationship sounds like it's on the way out. Start snooping for evidence of an affair (I'd be surprised if she wasn't having one right now) and take that evidence to a lawyer so you can get a more reasonable agreement for you. Really, she's full of crap.