Wife "likes me" and is attractive to me, but wants to run away from being a wife

[Unreasonable]

I don't think she's currently messing around with anyone (trust me, eyes and ears WIDE open).

 

However, I would not put it past her to try to play the field while she's "finding herself," since it would be much harder to get caught.

 

We had a serious talk last night. This morning she sent me a text saying she thought a lot about what I said (I was a bit tough on her) and she "didn't want to lose me".

 

I ordered a couple books from the thread Mhowe mentioned. We'll see how it goes.

 

As for the kids, since I have (treated) bi-polar disorder, and since she's the mom, I think she just assumes she'd get custody no matter what. And she probably would.

[Ms Darcy]

As for the kids, since I have (treated) bi-polar disorder, and since she's the mom, I think she just assumes she'd get custody no matter what. And she probably would.

 

Custody has more to do with the circumstances and best interest of the child. If you have had incidents because you are bi-polar, yes that can hurt you. I had an ex I dated for two years who was divorced with three kids. He had a mental illness and, though treated, didn't really have the capacity to have full custody. So, again, circumstances.

 

Without additional drama, often mothers traditionally would be at home with children more and custody would tend toward that direction. But depending, you could go for joint custody. You should talk to an attorney before making assumptions.

[mhowe]

I have a guy friend from HS whose wife decided about 12 years and 2 kids into the marriage that she didn't want to be a mom or wife anymore. She moved out, he got her a house nearby. They divorced.

 

The son, around 15 at the time, stayed with my buddy. The daughter went with the mother, lasted a year and came to her father asking to move home. That the mother was acting like a highschool girl and she was embarrassed. So, he took her to court, got custody and ended the child support.

[Unreasonable]

So, update. We've been reading Divorce Busting together (I also bought The Divorce Remedy). It does a good job so far (in my opinion) of dispelling the fantasy that things are going to peachy-keen for you if you run away. We haven't got to the solutions part yet, but hopefully it is also good. I think she has backed off from the idea that leaving is in her best interest if she's just trying to run away from her problems. Keep you posted.

[Fudgie]

Excellent, good for you two. I'm glad she is reading with you and open to that. I think you said before she doesn't like therapists? Not sure if that was you.

[Unreasonable]

I think you said before she doesn't like therapists?

No, she doesn't. But I believe she would go to marriage counselling as a last resort.

 

This weekend was rough. We were heading out the door for something and I realized I didn't have my keys on me. I asked her if I could use her keys. She said she took the key to my car off her keychain, because it was "too bulky". I said "Um, that could screw us someday, could you put that back on?" She said she'd rather deal with the locksmith/towing/whatever when the time came than put my key on her keychain. You know, I can appreciate that women's clothing has small pockets, but really? REALLY?

 

She started a new job last week (its actually paid schooling). She told me she needed us to go to bed earlier, because she has to get up at 5AM (it was about 11pm - fine, late to be up if you're getting up at 5AM). I asked her what time she needed to be to class. She refused to tell me. Over and over, as I got increasingly angry that she wouldn't answer the damn question. She finally told me. See, she was already "pre-fighting" me because she actually has to be there at 8AM, and didn't want me questioning why it took her 3 hours to get ready and go some place 15 minutes away. I had NO intention of doing that. I just wanted to know when she had to be at class!

 

This is driving me nuts.

[Fudgie]

She sounds like she is rebelling in a way. Like "No you can't tell me what to do! You don't need to know what I'm doing at x, y, z time! My life!"

 

Did you two marry young? In the past when your relationship was good, who would you say was more "dominant" in the relationship, you or her?

[Unreasonable]

Yes we married young. She was 19, I was 22. There was intense pressure to marry young due to our religious background. We are no longer believers and realize that marrying too young was a mistake, but whataya gonna do?

 

She has always been pretty obstinate, sometimes more than others, and she's at a peak point right now it seems. I've always just kind of put up with it, but my patience is wearing thin and I feel like I'm getting too old for this *beep*.

[Unreasonable]

Update: More book reading done together. About half way done. I'm almost thinking bringing up divorce daily by reading these books is worse than just gradually letting things go back to status quo, since it keeps getting pushed to the forefront. Guess that's just the pains of actually facing the problem. Ugh.

 

I asked her why she wanted to separate, and how I could possibly take that as anything but that she doesn't like me, and she said "Maybe because I just want 5 minutes of independence in my life." Not literally 5 minutes of course, but a short amount of time. Thing is, we kind of already know what's that's like. For 6 solid months I spent 5 days of the week out of town working, only being home on weekends. So, she had a long period of "5 minutes" away from me already and should know what that's like. So, lets say it's longer than that. My parents live close by, I suppose I could go there, but I really, REALLY don't want to. One, I don't want to live with my parents, and two, I have read that it is a really bad idea to leave your house for long periods of time in case a divorce happens. So I ain't gonna leave my house.

 

The other option is she goes and gets a crappy apartment, and I support her to some extent. I'd like to say "well, you want independence? Why don't you try paying your own way!" The extra expense of splitting the household I think would cause me more resentment and would not be good on my end.

 

Maybe it's my imagination, but I think she's also deliberately trying to piss me off. The other day she confessed she chatted with a creepy-assed childhood friend who it was already obvious liked her. She has done this from time to time, because she was bored (and probably likes the attention) and this guy is a total trainwreck, making for some interesting stories. I said whatever, cause I'm tired of the controlling game. She then confessed a bit later in the that the guy told her in their last chat that he has masturbated to her profile picture on facebook, and that's part of the reason she wasn't going to be talking to him anymore (yes, I can believe he would say this unprovoked because from everything I've heard of him he's a disgusting human being). I came THIS close to getting on her computer and tearing him a new as***le, but I didn't. I took her telling me as her wanting to be transparent in case I accidentally stumbled over this information and tried to put it out of my mind.

 

But then like ONE day later she changed her profile picture on Facebook, which he of course gushed over. I was furious, but I tried to keep my cool. I told her he could take that as sending him a message of "here's some new material." She denied that was her intent and said she was sorry and that she didn't do it maliciously.

 

She does these things that make me angry and/or jealous, but from which she has plausible deniability. I think shes screwing with me.

 

I'm having a REALLY hard time being the better person and not being retaliatory.

[journeynow]

For 6 solid months I spent 5 days of the week out of town working, only being home on weekends. So, she had a long period of "5 minutes" away from me already and should know what that's like.

 

That is not the same as independence. Not at all.

 

The other option is she goes and gets a crappy apartment, and I support her to some extent.

 

No, she gets an apartment, crappy or whatever, or moves in with her family, or whatever, and supports herself. That is independence. The two of you support the children

 

I'd like to say "well, you want independence? Why don't you try paying your own way!" The extra expense of splitting the household I think would cause me more resentment and would not be good on my end.

 

Yes, she pays her own way and to help support the children. You pay your way and to help support the children. You each may have to move households, or just her.