should you let the guy pursue you?

[captcha45]

I was wondering about some guys opinion on this. When I am interested in a guy I'm more of the type to let him know. I won't run after him, but I will initiate contact about half the time and drop a few hints so he doesn't think he's getting friendzoned. He has to ask me out and take the initiative for most things though.

 

Now thing is. I had a messy break up a while back, but now I'm starting to date again. While breaking up with me my ex told me he always goes out with girls who show interest in him, falls in love but invariably loses interest after a year because he "didn't have to run after them".

 

Now I'm dating a really cute guy. He seems interested and is a real gentleman. Always doing some nice things for me, but like with my ex I am the one initiating contact about half the time. Now I'm worried that if I look too "eager" I will again attract a guy who is just "not that into me".

 

So I was wondering: is this mindset just specific to my ex? Some of my guy friends told me they actually hate it if the girl never initiates contact. Is it really true that if a guy is "really into you" you just have to sit and wait for him to do all the work? I find that idea incredibly boring...

[greta96]

The way I see it, only players and immature guys think along the lines your ex does, and they do so mostly because they are addicted to the game, the perpetual chase of the "new", and not the woman herself. That's why they also get bored quickly when the "honeymoon period" (and the chase) is over, and move on towards new challenges.

Regular guys, the types of guys that you want to be with, appreciate the 50:50 effort, and if the woman was to sit back and let them do all the work, they would take that as a sign of disinterest. So don't worry, you are doing the right thing; it would only be a problem if you did all or most of the contacting/date planning, that is indeed a no-no.

Personally, I think the best approach is to try and mirror their level of interest. It would be fine to let the guy do a bit more of the contacting, say 60%, while you do the other 40% for example.

Editing to add: this applies to an established relationship. In the first few weeks of dating, yes, you should let the guy do most of the initiating (but not all, you don't want him thinking you're not interested, or playing games). You're passed that stage though, so no worries there.

[Ms Darcy]

In my experience, 50/50 is a good thing so long as he initiated interest in the beginning. Just hasn't worked out for me in the long run if I was the one to initiate interest in the beginning.

[DoF]

I was wondering about some guys opinion on this. When I am interested in a guy I'm more of the type to let him know. I won't run after him, but I will initiate contact about half the time and drop a few hints so he doesn't think he's getting friendzoned. He has to ask me out and take the initiative for most things though.

 

Why? That's very old fashioned way to think.

 

Why not ask him out? What is wrong with a woman asking a guy out for change?

 

Now thing is. I had a messy break up a while back, but now I'm starting to date again. While breaking up with me my ex told me he always goes out with girls who show interest in him, falls in love but invariably loses interest after a year because he "didn't have to run after them".

 

Ignore your ex. He is simply the kind of guy that always needs something new in his life.

 

You want to find a guy that is opposite.

 

Car might be a good hint. If he replaces it every 2-3 years or so, he is probably the guy that gets sick of new quickly.....

 

Now I'm dating a really cute guy. He seems interested and is a real gentleman. Always doing some nice things for me, but like with my ex I am the one initiating contact about half the time. Now I'm worried that if I look too "eager" I will again attract a guy who is just "not that into me".

 

You are doing it right. Nothing to worry about.

 

So I was wondering: is this mindset just specific to my ex? Some of my guy friends told me they actually hate it if the girl never initiates contact. Is it really true that if a guy is "really into you" you just have to sit and wait for him to do all the work? I find that idea incredibly boring...

 

Yes it is. Different strokes for different folks. Your ex was simply one of those guys that needs something new. Rather it's a girl friend, friend or a car. Some people are simply like that.

 

And some, when they find something nice/special they keep it around forever. THOSE are the ones you are looking for!

[winniethepooh]

There's a bit of a difference whether you're talking about going on a first date with someone, versus already had a date or two with someone and wanting to continue dating them. If you don't then of course stop communicating with him.

 

Your questions sounds a bit like you're asking about both situations.

 

So I was wondering: is this mindset just specific to my ex? Some of my guy friends told me they actually hate it if the girl never initiates contact. Is it really true that if a guy is "really into you" you just have to sit and wait for him to do all the work? I find that idea incredibly boring...

It's really true for some guys, and really false for others. But the nature of the marketplace, for want of a better word, is such that to get something started most men have to make an effort to initiate contact with a woman, otherwise they won't get anywhere. Because if they don't, usually someone else will.

 

Do you want a relationship with one of your guy friends who hates when girls never initiate contact? Or someone like them? Then listen to them. If you don't want a relationship with someone like that, ignore their advice.

 

Don't make the mistake of taking dating advice from people whose dating style or relationship desire isn't what you want.

 

If you want to be chased then only date guys who chase you, but then get good at reading them and determining what drives their motivation to chase you.

 

If you want to be bought then only date guys who pay for everything and buy you things, but then get good at reading them and determining what drives them to do that. Also keep in mind what they probably think of you.

 

If you want to initiate a date then do that. If you want to ask a guy out then do that. If you want to contact him then do that. But look for guys who appreciate that sort of thing, and be quick to move on from guys who don't, before you end up too invested in a bad relationship for you.

 

Also be objective about yourself and what sort of guys you attract.

 

It's ok to generalize, we have to, but don't let generalizations blind you to who a person really is, or to who you are and what you want.

 

I will initiate a conversation with a girl, I will invite her for a date, I will pay for the first date. Because it's much simpler to do that than get hung up on who should do what at the beginning, and if I don't, there are more than enough men trying to invite her out that she doesn't need to figure out if she should invite me out. If she doesn't respond to communication from me then I will assume she is either not interested in me, or playing the game of letting the most persistent boy catch her. Either way I know that sort of girl is not for me, long term, so I'm not going to waste my time on a second invitation if the first went unanswered, or even if a message or phone call goes unanswered. I *might* try again a week or a month later but after 2x no response it's clear to me to move on.

 

Now I'm dating a really cute guy. He seems interested and is a real gentleman. Always doing some nice things for me, but like with my ex I am the one initiating contact about half the time. Now I'm worried that if I look too "eager" I will again attract a guy who is just "not that into me".

You look way too eager if he thinks a man should chase the woman. You look about just right if he thinks balanced communication between a man and a woman is a healthy objective.

 

Your first words to describe him are "really cute". Does he also think you are "really cute"? What does he want from you?

[TMifune]

By always waiting for the man to initiate women are cutting themselves off from finding men that are potentially excellent partners but just don't have the skill or the confidence with women to make that first move. I suppose we could have an endless debate about how important confidence and social skills are, but by and large being attracted to those things is part of why girls chase "bad boys" and get burned.

 

I'd say don't think about it too much. I personally think the idea that you have to be "challenge" all the time, or have to make them chase you indefinitely is kind of a childish attitude that never really makes room for mature love to bloom.

 

Initiating contact half the time is great. I'm sorry your ex messed with your head, but listen to yourself here

 

Always doing some nice things for me, but like with my ex I am the one initiating contact about half the time. Now I'm worried that if I look too "eager" I will again attract a guy who is just "not that into me".

 

50/50 initiation after a few dates is absolutely perfect. Sometimes it might slip 60/40 40/60 whatever, not a big deal. 50/50 is what you should be striving for, so get out of your head and stop thinking that's too eager........imagine how the guy feels if you cut back to 25/75....he's going to be on here asking us about this great girl he met but how he feels like he has to initiate all the time and thinks she's just not interested!!

[Sportster2005]

I was wondering about some guys opinion on this. When I am interested in a guy I'm more of the type to let him know. I won't run after him, but I will initiate contact about half the time and drop a few hints so he doesn't think he's getting friendzoned. He has to ask me out and take the initiative for most things though.

 

Yes please. If you don't we'll find women that do. If we feel there is absolutely no hope, we arent' likely going to pursue. Why would we? There's lots of women out there.

 

Now thing is. I had a messy break up a while back, but now I'm starting to date again. While breaking up with me my ex told me he always goes out with girls who show interest in him, falls in love but invariably loses interest after a year because he "didn't have to run after them".

 

He's only assuming cause and effect. There maybe other reasons he loses interest.

Now I'm dating a really cute guy. He seems interested and is a real gentleman. Always doing some nice things for me, but like with my ex I am the one initiating contact about half the time. Now I'm worried that if I look too "eager" I will again attract a guy who is just "not that into me".

 

I doubt it. If I'm not into a woman I don't care how eager she is. Have you ever given a guy a chance based on eagerness?

 

So I was wondering: is this mindset just specific to my ex? Some of my guy friends told me they actually hate it if the girl never initiates contact. Is it really true that if a guy is "really into you" you just have to sit and wait for him to do all the work? I find that idea incredibly boring...

 

 

Every man is different. If a woman doesn't initiate contact I don't hate. I just assume she's not interested and move on. If she's interested but is playing 'chase me, chase me', I move on. I think some guys will actively pursue women who don't want to do any of the work. I certainly don't know why. I don't care how much I like a woman, it IS boring and unfulfilling to never be contacted. And if I'm interested in two women at once, all things being equal, I will definitely pursue the one reciprocating. I simply refuse to spend time chasing women. Life's too short.

[TMifune]

Every man is different. If a woman doesn't initiate contact I don't hate. I just assume she's not interested and move on. If she's interested but is playing 'chase me, chase me', I move on. I think some guys will actively pursue women who don't want to do any of the work. I certainly don't know why. I don't care how much I like a woman, it IS boring and unfulfilling to never be contacted. And if I'm interested in two women at once, all things being equal, I will definitely pursue the one reciprocating. I simply refuse to spend time chasing women. Life's too short.

 

I agree....the prolonged chase is exhausting. On top of it, the need in some women to be pursued that way makes me feel like by and large they'd be very susceptible to cheating later on in the relationship when some new guy starts chasing them and they miss that feeling of being chased.

[crowleysgirl]

That was my ex's excuse for cheating on me multiple times. He liked the chase. Lol! Since I've been dating again, I think if a guy is really into you that won't change just because you didn't play hard to get. And I think its good to let a guy know that you're into them too and they're not just bothering you.

[lostandhurt]

Your ex is in for a lonely unfulfilling life. Ignore him and do what you feel is right.

 

You might be dating a guy that is shy or really likes you but doesn't want to mess things up by being to eager just like you are worrying.

 

Men are human too ladies. Just because we have a penis doesn't mean we don't get hurt, worry if a woman likes likes us or not, fret about timing, where to take a date and when to make a move or not.

If a guy is into you and is looking for something real he will be very forgiving of a few missteps anyways. Relax and enjoy your new relationship.

 

Lost

[DancingFool]

Sounds to me like all you do is reciprocate in roughly equal measures, which is good and what you want to do. I wouldn't worry too much about your ex and his issues. Most self respecting men will not chase after ice queens. If you are not expressing an interest in them and reciprocating, they'll quickly drop you and move on to someone who does show mutual interest.

 

It really all boils down to balance. If you are overly passive, you will invite/attract certain types of men into your life, which will be either players or men who like to be completely in charge and need a passive wallflower. If you are too in charge, then you will attract men who may need to be carried or simply not that into you, but willing to take advantage of you doing things for them. In between the two extremes there is balance and mutual interest and reciprocation of effort. That's where you want to be. Granted, it won't make you immune from the occasional bad apple since everyone can put up a great facade initially, but it will improve your chances of finding a good life partner.

 

At the end of the day, you need to be you and realize that what works for others, may not be good for you. For example, I have a friend who is a very dominant, wears the pants in the family kind of a woman. So she married a passive guy who is quiet, loyal, and basically says "yes dear" at all times. So that works for them perfectly. If she wasn't so 100% dominant and in charge, another woman would probably become quickly disenchanted with how passive he is. There is no absolute right or wrong way, there is just the right way for you and finding a partner where the dynamic between the two of you works correctly.

[Patrick974]

I dont run after ghosts. I once kissed a girl at a party and tried to go further in the following weeks (ie Relationship) and only got short texts giving a feeling of unavaibility ("Im working", "Im with my girlz"). Then I lose interest.

[Rosti87]

My male friends say that what you are doing is fine. They are very appreciative when a woman lets them know they are interested. Sometimes they can be a bit clueless on whether or not a woman is. Some modern men appear to get frustrated with women who have old school ideas about initiating interest and dating roles.

 

Having said this, I'm sure there are plenty of men, especially older ones that may still hold on to the older protocols.

[Coldarmy13]

Me personally, I would expect equal or close to equal showing of interest. After the first couple of dates if I was still putting in most of the effort it would be a turn off.

[H8Reality217]

even if you have this mindset that the guy should do the pursuing, all or majority of the initiating, it's a fine mindset to have if you are a woman because there are plenty of men out there that know how to fulfill this role

[Helpexpressme]

I expect woman to put in their fair share of the effort. Some woman expect men to chase, but those woman are stuck in the dark ages.