How should Life Be Better in a Relationship

[Silverbirch]

I should be embarrassed to ask this. I am not young. I am also not in a relationship at the present time, and I am okay with that - in fact I have become happy with that especially as I presently consider that I have always been "better off on my own". In the last relationship I was in as well as a long-term relationship a few years prior, I think I got very little,if anything that was real or worthwhile fir myself in those relationships. In the first one, I believed if ai could be better at everything, prettier, more of anything, the man would treat me better. That didn't happen.

 

In the relationship breakup that got me here, truly believed I lived that nan, that he lived me, cared for me. There were times he was there for me. I had fun and companionship and even good sex with him. He could be kind and thoughtful. I think though that I felt I had to buy that - by doing a lit - caring for his children as if they were my own, being the best partner I knew Hiw to be.

 

I don't think I had any if that in my last relationship, but I thought for a long time that my live would heal his many issues. It didn't.

 

I don't think in my long life I have ever experienced genuine live from a man. I'm not even sure what it is or how I should know.

 

Despite being an older woman, there are still quite regularly men who make it known they are interested in me. I just don't go there. My life is becoming good, but I do wonder how I would know if a man was a good person to have in my life - would be worth having in my life. How should life be better for having him I. My life?

 

I would appreciate people who gave experienced true happiness to share their thoughts on this if it is an ok thing to ask. Thank you.

[sentiententity]

Being content on your own is an enviable position.

[Silverbirch]

Being content on your own is an enviable position.

 

Yes it's enviable for sure. In my case, it took a long time to get to this point - a large part of the reason I would not sNt to give that up even temporarily unless I could be quite certain that life would be better to be with another person.

[Lester]

If you don't mind..., approximately how old?

[Fudgie]

I am commenting to follow this because I am interesting in this as well. I do think having partners has added to my life in some ways but it "Took away" from it in big ways and now I am just not comfortable with it. I have guys hitting on me now and I just ignore/shrug it off. I don't think I've ever experienced true 100% happiness, alone or with a partner.

[Silverbirch]

If you don't mind..., approximately how old?

 

I am at what some people refer to as Mid-life

[Silverbirch]

I am commenting to follow this because I am interesting in this as well. I do think having partners has added to my life in some ways but it "Took away" from it in big ways and now I am just not comfortable with it. I have guys hitting on me now and I just ignore/shrug it off. I don't think I've ever experienced true 100% happiness, alone or with a partner.

 

Funny we should both be at this stage together Fudgie. My son is okder than you are - i think it is a wonderful thing you have reached this milestone at such a young age.

[Fudgie]

I have made a lot of mistakes in the past but I am not going to date just to date or just to find someone. I've learned my lesson. I want to focus on my family and close friends and ME and like you, I will not date again unless I'm 100% sure that it will be an asset, not a liability.

[Hermes]

Silverbirch. Good to read your post. The salient point is that you have a healthy outlook, you are happy with yourself and with your own company, you are not "needy". There are good men, indeed very good, stable, solid, emotionally healthy men, out there, and despite appearances, IMO they are in a majority.

 

Nonetheless, and there certainly have been reams written on the topic, it would seem that many women actually don-t want the stable, dependable man, as he is not deemed to be "exciting". Well, we only have to read on here how far "exciting" is helpful.

[mhowe]

I would say that beyond the obvious...a companion, a lover, a,partner to do things with that a partner, a true partner brings the opportunity for continued growth and exploration in the mystery of that which we call "love".

 

I think as humans, we are by naure, not solitarary creatures. To be sure, there is much opportunity for self awareness and growth in solitary pursuits. Bit in a relationship, we develop the skills and techniques of compromise, compassion...of stepping outside of ourselves in the service of another's happiness.

 

Likewise, we bask in the feelings of love and respect from our partner ---from a person who wholly accepts us.

 

I remember driving home to my state after my father died. I was single at the time and I cried. And spoke to my deceased father, lamenting that no man had ever loved and repected me as he had....years later, in a relationship of love and commitment...that is no longer true.

 

I think also that the simple things in life...a shared meal, chores, making a bed -- are easier and more fun with a partner. I know that I have laughed more in the past two years than I laughed in the past decade. And laughter is so good for the soul. In addition, at least my partner balances my outlook by showing me that life need not be so serious, and that taking a respite from the world is a glorious and necessary thing.

[Silverbirch]

Silverbirch. Good to read your post. The salient point is that you have a healthy outlook, you are happy with yourself and with your own company, you are not "needy". There are good men, indeed very good, stable, solid, emotionally healthy men, out there, and despite appearances, IMO they are in a majority.

 

Nonetheless, and there certainly have been reams written on the topic, it would seem that many women actually don-t want the stable, dependable man, as he is not deemed to be "exciting". Well, we only have to read on here how far "exciting" is helpful.

 

Thank you for your positive input and the point you make that these men are a majority. I have 3 sisters, all very happy as far as I know in their marriages -,2 of them married for the second time, but they are long stable marriages and they all seem to have very good lives. My mother gets sad that I am not married like them and have told her I plan to be on my own, and that I am happy.

[Silverbirch]

MHowe,thank you. So much to think about from your post. I'm reading,mre-reading and re-reading it over and over.

[Batya33]

I think in your particular situation you're reluctant because you did a lot of mental and psychological gymnastics to make excuses for the way your most recent ex (the one you posted about a great deal -not sure if you have dated someone seriously since that time) treated you so of course you don't want to be in that situation again.

 

I think if I did not want marriage and family I could be more than content on my own, plus having good friends, active social life, pursuing passions and interests. Maybe that's circular - I guess I wasn't going to be happy having a boyfriend without the marital commitment and both wanting to have a child together.

 

It's always a risk -for me the risk was worth it because of my life goals. I made some bad choices and some eh choices before making a good choice -it was a long and tough process for me. But I did escape feeling jaded/cynical so that motivated me to keep looking. I felt i had the basic tools to be able to tell if someone truly cared about me. No, it's not all marital bliss -we argue at times and the root of some of those arguments are of course questioning the other person's caring or not so caring actions, etc. but there has to be a strong foundation of believing that the person does genuinely care about you and about maintaining and growing the relationship.

[mhowe]

MHowe,thank you. So much to think about from your post. I'm reading,mre-reading and re-reading it over and over.

 

I just reread to fix the typos....and realized I had a bit to add.

 

As my signature says....I have also found that peaceful, easy feeling that alluded me as a single, independent woman. And I think part of it is knowing that I no longer must "move the ball down field" alone. There is someone to share not only the progress and celebrate...but someone to share the losses and offer comfort. And that does bring a certain sense of peace and comfort to one who walked alone for so long.

[Hermes]

Silverbirch. Everyone is different. And yes, a good relationship/marriage is a great place to be. To have someone who is companionable, stable, responsible, emotionally present, who doesn't fly off the handle every second minute, that is a wonderful situation, much to be desired.

 

I have to say I felt equally well in my own skin as a single woman as when married. Never, ever would I marry just for the sake of being married.

[Lester]

Midlife according to the fist site that googled up, link removed, is 40 for women. The way you were talking I thought you must be 70. My guess is you are somewhere around fifty.

 

If so, you are way to young to be talking like that.

Relax, date and see what happens.

 

btw, don't think of dating so finitely .

[happpybear]

This is an interesting thread. Thanks, Silverbirch for posting this

 

I often wonder this question too, because I have always been in relationships were I felt totally drained from them, and like they dragged me down rather than lifted me up. I felt like, while I strived to bring something wonderful to my ex BFs lives, that action was never really reciprocated. I never felt like they gave as much as I gave or tried as much as I did. I felt like i compromised more for the sake of the relationship, I was thinking "we", but the guys were thinking "me". I have made mistakes and bad choices, for sure. I think a lot of it can just be chalked up too not being with the right guy. I also am perfectly happy on my own too, and when I ended these relationships I was so happy to get back to myself again.

 

I'm in a new relationship right now, so far its good, but I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for the signs that being with this guy is going to drag me down.

[journeynow]

My life is becoming good, but I do wonder how I would know if a man was a good person to have in my life - would be worth having in my life. How should life be better for having him I. My life?

 

My observation…a relationship in which one sacrifice's their own self-worth, self-respect, interests or joy is a relationship that is one not worthy of commitment. Maybe short term is serves a purpose as a learning process, but one needs to keep one's eyes open and recognize the red flags, co-dependency, etc.

 

There are some things I miss that are experienced best with another person, but at this phase (for me) I have more learning to do to know just what I want in a relationship.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you Bataya. Yes you are right about the last partner, and no I haven't dated anyone since then although there have been several men who have made it known they would be interested. You hit the nail on the head with the term "psychological gymnastics". At the end of that, I felt so depleted that it's as though there is no "giving" left in me - and no desire to give in that way either.

 

As you know, I have a grown-up child, hope to have grandchildren one day. I am glad that I did not have children outside of marriage. So of course, being older, the desire to have children is not part of relationships for me.

 

I'm happy for you that eventually you were reunited with your soulmate.

[Silverbirch]

I just reread to fix the typos....and realized I had a bit to add.

 

As my signature says....I have also found that peaceful, easy feeling that alluded me as a single, independent woman. And I think part of it is knowing that I no longer must "move the ball down field" alone. There is someone to share not only the progress and celebrate...but someone to share the losses and offer comfort. And that does bring a certain sense of peace and comfort to one who walked alone for so long.

 

MHowe, I think that I will have a peaceful feeling - I certainly have a lot more peace than I did in those relationships. I have a wonderful gf who has been there for many years, and she is the one I have shared all that with. She is a truly wonderful person, and she has ended up with men who ranged from no hopers to a truly evil one. She is on her own by choice now. I do recall her being pursued very strongly by another guy who turned out to be an alcoholic who was just a waste of time in her life. She is very close to her family, and I suppose if we didn't have our families, things would be harder for us because of that special lifelong bond.

[Silverbirch]

Silverbirch. Everyone is different. And yes, a good relationship/marriage is a great place to be. To have someone who is companionable, stable, responsible, emotionally present, who doesn't fly off the handle every second minute, that is a wonderful situation, much to be desired.

 

I have to say I felt equally well in my own skin as a single woman as when married. Never, ever would I marry just for the sake of being married.

 

Hermes, those are wonderful qualities for a partner. I wonder if your strong sense of self repelled men who were trouble - do you think it did - as well as attracting a better quality man? Do you think it did? Did you still have to send them off on their bikes after you became happy on your own?

[Silverbirch]

Midlife according to the fist site that googled up, link removed, is 40 for women. The way you were talking I thought you must be 70. My guess is you are somewhere around fifty.

 

If so, you are way to young to be talking like that.

Relax, date and see what happens.

 

btw, don't think of dating so finitely .

 

Lester, I am not interested in dating - perhaps it is largely due to not having met anyone I like enough to want to date. Why would I want to date for the sake of it when there are so many other ways I can spend my time and energies - and my time is vAluable - my life is full.

[Silverbirch]

Happybear, I relate so much to your past experience. All the best in your current relationship, and I hope you and I never forget that a life without intimate relationships of that nature can still be a very good life.

[Silverbirch]

My observation…a relationship in which one sacrifice's their own self-worth, self-respect, interests or joy is a relationship that is one not worthy of commitment. Maybe short term is serves a purpose as a learning process, but one needs to keep one's eyes open and recognize the red flags, co-dependency, etc.

 

There are some things I miss that are experienced best with another person, but at this phase (for me) I have more learning to do to know just what I want in a relationship.

 

Big Hugs JN. Always a lot of wisdom. With all your talents and beauty, inside and out, there must be few men where you live if they haven't formed a queue for your interest and affection!

[Lester]

In your first post you said, "but I do wonder how I would know if a man was a good person to have in my life - would be worth having in my life. How should life be better for having him I. My life?

I would appreciate people who gave experienced true happiness to share their thoughts on this if it is an ok thing to ask. Thank you.

 

And now you say, "I am not interested in dating - perhaps it is largely due to not having met anyone I like enough to want to date. Why would I want to date for the sake of it when there are so many other ways I can spend my time and energies - and my time is vAluable - my life is full.

 

- It sounds like you've been burned and are now a little tired and possibly jaded.

That's understandable and if so, you should take plenty of time off. Just be careful not to allow it to go on too long.

There are good men out there but you must go through intelligent discovery to find out who they really are.