"I'd rather die than be single"

[petite]

I believe part of that is that people are modeling behavior they were taught or witnessed from their parents or guardians. On the other hand, there are people who are just afraid of being alone. Again, there must be deeper issues there. I don't believe anyone wants to be in a bad relationship, some people are just afraid of letting go because the unknown can be just as scary. Absence of confidence plays a huge part in how much people are willing to put up with because they fear being alone would be worse. Mix in an abusive partner that tells them they are good for nothing and no one will want them that no one will ever love them ... and you have a disaster.

 

 

It's really sad whichever way you look at it, it's sad when people don't realize there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes though, people have been so badly manipulated, mistreated and psychologically abused that they are convinced death would be better. That speaks volumes of the mental abuse and manipulation that can happen in relationships.

 

The shelter where I volunteer we constantly see women (but it happens to both sexes) staying in absolutely horrible relationships because they've been brainwashed to believe no one else but the manipulative abuser will ever love or want them. It's shocking how much pain and suffering human beings can endure, and cause each other.

[saluk]

If abuse is in play, there is a whole lot more going on than just someone who doesn't want to be single. We are talking full on psychological warfare and brainwashing. They can't leave, because the part of the victims brain that would normally stand up for itself is locked away unable to be consciously seen. Beyond abusive situations even, I think we all put a box around our world. We become blind to anything that is outside the box. You can try to make the situation better, but leaving the box is not an option. It doesn't even cross your mind. People keep going to the job they hate, because they need money, and that's their job. People keep hanging out with the same group of unhealthy friends, who constantly talk bad about each other. I think in some sense we are trained to accept things as they are. While growing up, you just have to follow the rules, you have to keep going to school even when it sucks, you can't leave your family even if they suck. Why would that not continue to apply with relationships?

[lostandhurt]

The question was asked who teaches these young girls this? The problem is these young girls are not being taught, taught the life lessons of being strong and independent, taught that losing isn't the end of the world and that they can endure hardship and become stronger because of it. They are often children of absentee parents. I don't mean their parents bailed on them, they just didn't put the kind of time in with them to teach them about life.

 

It has been proven over and over again throughout the years, in the absence of truth some people will cling to whatever is offered to them. So what are these young girls exposed to constantly? and what if their parents are not there to counter all the media, social and peer influences?

 

Don't get me started on what some young girls do sexually to keep their bf so they aren't the only girl in their group of friends that doesn't have a bf at school.

 

 

Lost

[SapphireNoir10]

I've been far more miserable in a dysfunctional relationship than I ever have being single I know that much!

[Hermes]

Well said, Lost.

[journeynow]

This made me think of Taylor Swift's fans that are so emotional they claim to die. link removed

 

Maybe it's another over the top expression that is common these days. I see it on the internet all the time, ordinary things are described as Brilliant!, Unlike Anything You've Ever Seen!, Amazing!, Genius! Heartbreak is on the other end of the spectrum, thus they'd "rather die."

[Hermes]

So mindless. Brains made of mush.

[journeynow]

More on my theory that this is an expression, a quick google revealed a couple:

 

Gwyneth Paltrow: "I'd rather die than be studying my face!’"

 

Chris Christie: "I would rather die than be in the United States Senate"

[itsallgrand]

Oh Gwyneth. loll.

 

It does seem like the kind of expression an over dramatic teenager would use.

[Hermes]

Yeh. It's all about drama-rama, isn't it.

 

No wonder the counsellors and therapists of this world are booked wall-to-wall. L

[superfan]

One word: "Twilight".

 

A story about a teenage girl who puts all her self worth, into the guy she is dating. She allows him to control her, allows him to tell her what to do, who she can see and when she thinks that he is dead, she tries to kill herself sending the message that life is not worth living without a boyfriend.

 

For adults, it's "Fifty Shades of Grey". You get a woman who gets into this abusive relationship who doesn't leave because she thinks she can "fix him". It's horribly damaging, and yet the author (and millions of women) seem to think it's romantic.

 

These books might not be not solely responsible, but definitely contributing to a larger lesson that media, television, internet, etc. seem to be pushing and that is that relationships are everything. If you're not in one, you are somehow not worthy. This hits young people and people with low self esteem particularly hard and causes people to get into unhealthy relationships.

[Hermes]

Fully agree, Tvnerdgirl.

 

Women are all too often their own worst enemies.....

[blanco]

I've been single for about five months. I've had moments of loneliness for sure, especially since my ex started dating very quickly as she's been known to do. I've had to remind myself, though, that I often felt lonely while I was in that relationship. I felt isolated and lethargic. Many times in that last year, I wondered, "So is this all my life is going to be?"

 

It's been tough to remove myself from her life and her children's lives, but I've had to keep mindful of those feelings I felt nearly every day in the months leading up to the final breakup. I've felt hurt, angry, bitter, and jealous at times about her new boyfriend, but then I remind myself how stupid it is to compare and contrast the two relationships. We had three years under our belts. We dealt with a suicide. We lived together for half of that time. We raised her children together. We had many, many, many dull nights on the couch. We had many disagreements and arguments that led nowhere. They, on the other hand, have three months under their belts. Everything is new and shiny. She doesn't have him around the kids very much. He comes over after they're in bed on the nights he's not with his own kids. They are, to each other, effectively without children at this point. Nothing is complicated. Much like nothing was complicated when she and I started dating and I hadn't met her kids.

 

Point is, single life isn't really that bad. She and I could never have what she has with the new guy, because we already had that years ago. Once you get past that new relationship energy, things get real. They get boring. They get crappy. Well, sometimes. I've had to remind myself many times that I've actually got it pretty good now. I do what I want when I feel like it. I have all the time to work out, relax, read, spend time with friends and family. To be with her again, it would be to resume a relationship that was stale and beyond its expiration date. Going back would be for the illusion of comfort. And I think that's why we see people stay in bad relationships; stagnant relationships; wrong relationships. The idea that the sure bad thing is better than the unsure possibly good thing.

[saluk]

I'm against censorship but if I could wave my hand and have one story be removed from existence it would be Twilight. I'd get 50 shades for free since it was fan-fiction! But I really do think people gravitate to these stories because the ideas that they describe are already heavy in play making them easy to relate to for people of like minds.

 

"The idea that the sure bad thing is better than the unsure possibly good thing." Too true. I think the unknown is at the top of most people's list of biggest fears, even if they aren't self-aware enough to know it.

[Splatter Paint]

We all seek out a partner from an ever earlier age, it is genetics it is social programming, we all need that someone special, not just a friend and most certainly not a casual sleep partner. Being on the other side of the pond things are different here and I have to be circumspect with my language and attitudes. We all need that someone and life is pretty much damn well pointless without that someone.

[mhowe]

Life is not pointless without a partner. You have been listening to "what society " says.

[Hermes]

Yes, Saluk. You know I only heard about this "Twilight" thing relatively recently. Lol. Talk about a load of rubbish, but damaging rubbish, I agree. I watched a bit of the film to see what all the talk was about. Switched it off...just that expression of "I've got a constant lower abdomen cramp" on her face, all the time (is this some new style of acting?!).....

 

As for Fifty Shades, I doubt very much if it was romance that was on the author's mind, but rather the huge money she made from that book.

[superfan]

I'm against censorship but if I could wave my hand and have one story be removed from existence it would be Twilight. I'd get 50 shades for free since it was fan-fiction! But I really do think people gravitate to these stories because the ideas that they describe are already heavy in play making them easy to relate to for people of like minds.

 

"The idea that the sure bad thing is better than the unsure possibly good thing." Too true. I think the unknown is at the top of most people's list of biggest fears, even if they aren't self-aware enough to know it.

 

Yeah they are a symptom of the larger problem which is the message our overall culture sends which is that without a relationship you are somehow "doing it wrong". It's the same culture that tells people they have to get married, have to have kids, etc. etc.

 

People get wrapped up in the concept that having a relationship makes you worthy which it absolutely does not and many will stay in bad relationships rather than risk being alone. It's sad.

[Unreasonable]

My son is exactly this way so it doesn't just affect girls. I think this is an age thing, and I certainly didn't teach him.

 

He's settled down at 19 with a girl he knows he has no future with (he's said this, not me) and is letting himself go. It's really sad.

 

Now, my wife and I have been together for 21 years, not all of them happy, so maybe he has been indirectly "taught" that you stay with someone, and you stay monogomous, even if you're not always happy. That's the only thing I can think.

[Pixels]

It's a social expectation, and I would venture as far to say that it affects men more than women...

 

Google "Involuntary celebacy" or "incel"... Socially, it's largely ignored and misunderstood, it's scary as hell, and those affected are disproportionately male. Affected females are rare and from what I've seen often consider themselves asexual to start... The suicide rates associated with male loneliness is pretty significant (overall suicide rates are disproportionately male to being with), and seeing the "support" available to them, I'm not surprised such cases lead to tragedies or severely depressing lives...

 

That's not to say that women don't face similar stereotyping if they're single... But I think there's more of a social recognition that they face unfair expectations...

 

That said... as a species we likely don't come from monogamous roots... We share a lot of physiological traits that are indicative of adaptation to sexual competition... Sexual arousal from novelty, penis length, sperm viscosity, lack of hormonal fluxes that curbs our sexual attraction after mating... Coupled with the fact that there's relatively developed societies that still assume polygamy as the norm... For the record I see monogamy as a consequence of our highly-developed frontal lobe and think it's the highest display of respect to a partner... Though not a defining requirement... So, don't get the impression that I'm advocating total promiscuity, or challenging anyone's idea of a "healthy relationship"...

 

At the end of it all, I think we all want to feel "average" (at least when we're young). If society thrusts dating and sexuality on you, and all your friends are engaging in it, of course you're going to feel as if you have to be like them... In such a society I would almost argue that it's necessary for personal health/growth... Basically, nobody benefits from being an alien in society.

 

I think the real issue digs far deeper than any gender-specific messages... If I had to step over boundaries I would say the real issue is that we neglect social responsibility in the name of free speech in media... I think the sheer amount of gore, porn, and snuff that's readily accessible to anyone of any age is as close to evidence as you can get...

 

Unfortunately, major social reformations occur over multiple generations, and as a parent I think you can only oppose society so much before a child begins to resent you for alienating them and leaving them ill-equipped to cope with the reality of their social settings....

[sonicfan287]

I used to be in this camp (maybe I still am, I don't know. Haven't been in a relationship in so long, I don't know how I'd react if things weren't ideal or even close to it), but thankfully, I've matured as I've gotten older... if only because I've seen the other side of the coin (being in a relationship that on the surface "seems" nice) isn't really that much better than what I think I have now. Additionally, I've had so much else going on in my life, career wise, family wise, etc. that dating is a fun diversion but not much more, and if I don't go on a date for a while, then so be it, because there's little I do other than work that I do on a routine basis anymore.

 

What made me think of this again though, is one of my friends who I hung out with tonight. She used to accuse me of being too "girl crazy" and not wanting to do anything if it didn't involve possibly meeting a woman. I'm not like that anymore (plus she kind of exaggerated that to begin with although I was more obsessed) but now she's worse than ever. She's always been a little "guy crazy" but now it's to the point where she can't have fun ... at all... if there aren't some guys her age that she finds attractive somewhere in the building we're in.

 

I tried to have fun with her tonight, just going to a karaoke bar and all she could talk about was how everyone was "old" and not hot and how bored she was because of that... I've been single for 3 years. I don't see any reason to stop being single unless it comes up. So, it's really discouraging to hang out with somebody like this who has a "boyfriend or bust" mindset when all I'm trying to do is have fun with a friend and look stupid singing some karaoke songs. It used to be something we did without fail, and now most things we do are bogged down by the fact that she's single and there's nothing I can do to cheer her up.

[Alpinedreaming]

I am someone who thinks "being alone" is just fine is a crock. (Excuse my wording.) I have been with someone for 9 years (living together for 7.5). He bought a house, is slowly moving and is telling me we can go back to being friends and see each other once or twice a week. I have refused the demotion but am ready to do anything to avoid being alone. The most miserable time in my life was when I lived alone but let's be real here. I don't just sit. I am active. Bookstores, shopping, movies, museums, etc.My man dislikes being around groups and totally hates traveling so I was partially alone. Did that stop me? Each year I drove over 1300 miles to visit Wyoming, Montana, etc. For years I was with my son, but the last two years I was by myself. I actually camped for 28 days in a tent. I met wonderful people, saw beautiful scenery and animals - and cried each day. You can only watch so many couples laughing and sharing. You can only turn to point out something wonderful to an empty space so many times. You can only be placed in the back of a restaurant because you are alone so many times. You can only realize you are the one they are warning not to hike the beautiful mountains alone because of safety so many times. You can only turn the key to a dark hotel room or your own home so many times. Or you can be one of the pitiful joiners of tours of old ladies (I now am old enough to comment.) so many times - that miss thousands of places buses don't go or have to keep on going when fog covers what you came to see because you have to get back on the bus! (I've watched this over and over for years!). Great that they did something but most of what is said is because otherwise the hopelessness of it all would suffocate people who have no one and little chance of changing their situation. Give me a break. Although having a close woman friend is wonderful, we all know if some handsome, nice man asked us out during our life, we called our close friend who with true understanding rearranged a plan we had made. Being alone to do chores, read a book or just spiritually re-energize is nice and needed - but being alone most of the time is not the way a human is mean't to be. Honestly - it is horrible!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I too don't think this is something seen in teens...In fact, I say I see it more in adults.

 

Even though we are trying to promote being okay with yourself, by yourself - I'm not sure how many people actually believe in it. Even when they're the ones saying it. I do think there is an idea that one is somehow incomplete if they are't paired off. Or that life doesn't really start until you find 'the one'. People work on themselves so they can finally 'be ready' for a relationship. As though there is no other good reason to work on oneself.

 

I really don't have any theories...Just that I agree with you as well, and that I do think these ideas still run rampant as much as we promote independence.