he broke my heart with arranged marriage

[Issabella]

OK I Understand. Well he cannot be Muslim and a Tamil.. I think Tamil is his mother tongue as for majority of Muslims in SL. However, he is a married man now. When talking about "love", can i share my story with u. I think u will find it interesting. My first Bf was Muslim, and I'm a Buddhist. He has studied in a US university and completed his degree and masters there. When i first met him, he was a very open minded person. He didnt want me to convert and i made it clear to them that i will not either. He was ok with it. Long story short the relationship dragged up to 7 years with ups and downs. Towards the latter part of the relationship he became an entirely different person. He said he dsnt want to give up his family (which is completely opposite of what he has being saying) and he wanted me to think about converting. After he told this to his parents they refused to accept me. Then he started unncessary arguments and fights with me. in the end we broke up. After few months i had to speak to his brother for something and he told me that the family has set this girl up for him they are going to get married. And that discussion has been there while he was having the freaking relationship with me. The end of the relationship was not good. I'm the one who was hurt the most.But not anymore, When i started the relationship i think i was only 18-19 something and i think my head was on clouds or something. I'm sorry that I wasted my time for him. Now I'm in relationship, and I have never been so happy in my life. and we are getting married in Nov . I'm so happy that i didnt marry that person because If had I would have lost many things in my life, my family , my religion and my culture etc.. U will find ur soulmate eventually. it is ok to mourn for sometime, but dont be hasty and make wrong decisions. I'm sure that you will be happy as Iam for getting out of this relationship.... Love T

[irish88]

Thanks for sharing that and wow I'm glad it wasn't 7 years. Your story sounds familiar

He's not married he said he at least won't think about it for a year. I don't think he what's to end up like his brother.

I'm glad now that I'm not with him believe me 😊

Best of luck on your wedding and congrats xx

[irish88]

And I don't think I'm the one hurting the most, he is as he went home under false pretences x

[leseine7]

@Irish, it's been a few days since you posted about this, but I'm just seeing it. I had my own experience with a Muslim man (feel free to check that out on my forum posts... it was not pretty), and I really think I can help you feel better here.

 

You definitely dodged a bullet. I do not know one person (who was non-muslim) who has gotten involved with a Muslim man, regardless of where he is from, without it ending in heartbreak. It is a very painful and confusing relationship. Mine included an insane amount of emotional abuse and manipulation, and in the end I STILL felt like the losing party (but I do not anymore).

 

He and I both live in America and were raised here, so I thought he might be less conservative and have a more flexible view towards religion. He was born in Turkey, to a Pakistani family, but was raised in the states from age 3. I met him in my neighborhood, and he was so incredible to me - passionate, soulful (I am from a family of English descent and I am technically Christian, although I do not identify myself strictly with any religion), spiritual, dedicated to his family, EXTREMELY intelligent... we clicked in a way I had never clicked with anyone before. He was taken with me right away - he rushed the first stages of our dating (very persistent physically, but telling me he considered us already 'together' and was exclusive). I fell in love with him very quickly, especially for me. We had a lot of fun and I felt like we were inseparable.

 

I asked him early on about his culture, pointing out our differences there, and he insisted it was not an issue for him. He explained that in his culture, he could marry whomever he wants, as long as the kids are raised Muslim (I felt iffy about that part, but it was too early on for me to focus on how I wanted to raise kids with him, and my family has a lot of interracial couples with interfaith marriages - Jewish/ Catholic, etc. I wanted to keep an open mind for this awesome dude). I loved hearing him explain his culture. I met his brother and his brothers' wife (a non-muslim woman), and noticed they did not seem very happy, but could not fathom ever being unhappy with my new boyfriend here. He made me feel beautiful, treasured, and adored. But one day when I confirmed (about a month into our dating pretty heavily already), if we were exclusive, he freaked out and took back half of what he'd said to me previously, saying he was not ready for a commitment.

 

As we continued dating (yes, for some reason I tried to keep going......oh well), little cracks in his initial stories began to appear. Over the almost-year we were 'together' he lied and confused me endlessly -saying one day that I was his, (and using words like 'my possession' to describe me, literally), and saying how much he loved me, to suddenly shifting gears and telling me he wasn't my boyfriend and I needed to stop treating him like he was. He would fly into a rage if I asked for more than I should out of the relationship (one night I just wanted to come by to bring him a thank you card for something he'd done for me... and he refused to let me come by, and then spent the next day calling me stupid and telling me I was asking for more than he could give). I found out I was not the only girl he was seeing. I discovered crazy lies in his stories to me that made no sense. Worst of all, he changed his story from 'I can marry whomever I want, ' to 'You want me to commit? Will you convert to Islam for me? Will you be happy with our children being Muslim?'

 

It was torturous, confusing, and in the end I found out that his family would most likely never approve of him being with anyone older than 18, Muslim, and decided upon by them. I ended things with him (Multiple times), but still wish I had exited the situation sooner - before I had fallen in love with the guy he let me believe he was.

 

Listen, I have nothing against Islam. I think it is a peace-loving, beautiful religion - yes, there are terrifying stories of extremist behavior in there, but those exist in absolutely all groups of people. My story is not indicative of the Muslim culture, but I must admit that I do believe there is some truth to the stories of young Muslim men knowing they eventually will marry someone within their culture and just having fun with women, like us, who are trying to find stable partners. I definitely do not judge the Muslim community by my heartbreaking experience... but I am grateful to look back knowing the truth and being stronger, and I imagine you will as well.

 

All the best to you.

[irish88]

Thankyou so much for telling me all of that, they are very intense, aren't they? Lol

Mine was with me 24/7 and flew into a rage if I even looked at someone else (even a waiter) ha ha.

I completely understand what your saying but against everything I don't always believe that they used us. The last couple of months of our relationship was completely "halal" with no kissing, cuddling etc as he was trying to put things right with god and me.

He fought with his family trying to convince them and ended up going insane and taking time off work with stress and depression (kind of like myself) lol. He cried constantly in the last month too.

I agree with you that Islam is a peaceful religion but very conflicting.

It says in the Quran that a muslim male can marry a Christian or Jew although all muslim scholars speak against it.

I'm getting messages from him now (from Asia) still trying to find a way for us but I don't want it anymore.

It's funny that I was so angry and torn up about everything and gone nuts lol but I now see it completely differently.

I feel sorry for them torn between 2 worlds in a way.

And it was very confusing and heartbreaking but it's prob the same for them.

I wish you all the best too xxx

[leseine7]

Well, I never said I was used, but what I am trying to impress upon you is that there are a LOT of aspects to the culture that go hidden and unspoken while you date until you wind up blind sided, as in your case. Obviously I do not think every single individual will behave in the same way-- but I do believe the obstacles between the cultures are very dramatic and insurmountable. I also gave a lot of love to this man and contemplated converting for him. He too would cry to me and make me believe he loved me, but there was a lot I was not told about what was going on behind the scenes. I do urge you to stop messaging with this man, if there's no way for you two to be together - it seems unhealthy to me that he keep contacting you even though you will not be together in the end.

[Zuri]

It has little to do with Islam. Much more to do with CULTURE. My ex was raised in Pk until adulthood to Xtian parents. Dad was (is) an educated pastor. Mom is very Xtian. She Disliked me to the extent that she told him to never bring me around her. She (nor any of the family) was NOT why he dumped me, though.

Indians (I speak of indians who are Hindu) are just as: oh heck no you will not marry HER!

Culture.

[irish88]

I'm not messaging or contacting him at all, he's messaging me through different fb accounts etc. I only replied twice last week and left it. I'm sure he'll get the drift soon enough.

I understand what you mean about things going on behind the scenes. Believe me

It's so interesting to hear that all the stories are more or less the same, with the same outcome.

My friend has recently met a muslim guy.... I've told her to run.

From hearing the stories on here I doubt it will end well for her. I'm going to show her this forum I think x

[irish88]

Your right, it is about culture. But I must say (in a non judgemental way) that the intensity of Islam was completely overwhelming. It opened my eyes to so much x

[leseine7]

I should make sure to reiterate that I know my experience was my own, with someone who could have turned out to be the type of man he is regardless of how he was raised. When all was going well between us, I certainly was interested in his culture and background and was eager to meet and impress the family members he loved so much. So I know my own bitterness towards the experience has clouded a lot of how I view Islam.

[irish88]

Same as me to be honest. I'm so glad I met him as it truly educated me to religion and culture.

The changes I saw in him while he was reverting was insane though. First stopped alcohol, then physical contact. He used to show me Islamic sermons where the imam would say that things like 9/11 were not true and also how to hit your wife "islamically" very surreal. And yes, my image of Islam changed too x

[Zuri]

"how to hit your wife "islamically" "

 

Oh my! So, how does a husband do this and what are justifiable reasons, according to your ex?

 

Might I add: muslims don't have a monopoly on spousal abuse but I'm horrified that your ex uses his religion to make this seem acceptable.

[irish88]

Read Quran 4.34. There is also others.

It is allowed (with boundaries)

I'm not dissing Islam at all, I'm just trying to explain the change that happened. it was just the change between this fun loving person into someone that changed so much.

Watching the change was fascinating lol.

[irish88]

A little update 😊

I've been receiving messages from him saying he's coming back in over a month (he's not married) and refused the arrangement.

I haven't replied to him.

He's been talking about how much he wishes he was with me, misses me and that he's better off dead and talking about at least we will be together in the afterlife 😔

I feel sad to know he is upset.

I don't want to be with when he comes back (it's never going to work)

Should I inform his family what he's saying?

I feel like ringing them up and cursing them for ruining him.

Please give me advice as I still care for him and his wellbeing.

I've blocked him several times but short of cutting off my fb account

[chickadeedee]

No, you send him one email that says you've given it a lot of thought and know 100% that the cultural differences and family issues are too great to span, so it is time to let go and move on. And that he needs to turn his attention elsewhere and leave you alone since you will no longer be responding to him ever again.

 

then you totally block him and cut him off. De-activate your FB account or other ways he could try to contact you for at least a few months (people managed to live just fine without FB and social media before it existed, and you can too for a while if that is what it takes to get this guy to leave you alone. So if he attempts to contact you, there are no avenues open for him to do so and that will be the quickest way for him to get the point and for you to get left alone to heal and move on. You cut him off and never see or speak to him again.

 

Since you know this is a situation and a marriage that will never work for you, don't waste any more time or thought on him. The kindest thing for both of you is to put this behind you and just move on and find someone more compatible for yourself (and for him).

[irish88]

I've told him that loads.

Part of me is thinking he could come back and we live happily ever after, that would mean him giving up his family and resenting me for it for life.

Don't understand why he's saying all this stuff now??

I'm kind of talking to someone else now and we are getting along brill.

On one hand I'm thinking what his family think let him come back and take it from there.

The logical side of me is thinking about the stress I went through and heartbreak and never again.

It's not worth it.

What a journey lol

[chickadeedee]

>>how do I get outta that situation without lawsuits,

 

He wants to come back and get laid one more time before hitting the road and winging off to be with his virginal bride.

 

Honey if you want to step back into the 19th century in terms of how women are treated in a fiercely patriarchal culture, go ahead. It's only downhill from here once you become his wife or 'possession'. He could be beating you in submission within a week of marriage, and maybe his parents doing it too.

 

If you want to live a western lifestyle in a culture you are familiar with and were raised in, don't do it. You have no idea what trouble you could be getting yourself into.

 

Read the book, 'Not Without My Daughter' and listen to the other poster who was involved in this. This is a story I hear repeated again and again by western women who get involved in these kinds of cultural mismatch romances.

[irish88]

I've read that book and saw the movie.....pretty crazy.

I'm not going there again with him I deserve x10 more

[irish88]

Chikadee I don't think he wants to come back to get "laid"

He has asked me if he comes back would I be willing to marry him and that's the only way he will come back not even for his grad.

It's a lost cause and I'm not pursuing it.

It goes to show that not all muslim men want to only get their leg over the western girl.

Some of them (shock horror) may even fall in love with the girl.

I did think with the way his acting before he left that I was just "a fun girl" for him.

But it's put everything into perspective that I wasn't and I'm happy about that.

I did love him and it's comforting for me to know that it was the same for him.

However, it's not something I would ever do again, too much hurt along the way

[chitown9]

However, it's not something I would ever do again, too much hurt along the way

 

That is good because it shows that you are thinking with your head.

 

Sometimes it does not work out simply due to circumstances. So ....just look at it that way. chi

[irish88]

Thanks love.

I've been a mess for bloody months. I just need to know that's happy and ok for peace of mind. Love is a head f*** ha ha x

[Zuri]

Thanks love.

I've been a mess for bloody months. I just need to know that's happy and ok for peace of mind. Love is a head f*** ha ha x

 

It certainly can be.

 

You really should block him.

[irish88]

Indeed it is. I've blocked him at least 10 times but he's still finding ways.

The day he says "I've gotten married" will be a happy day for me x

[Zuri]

No. If you are serious about the block. You will block

When my ex could not get around a block, he came knocking. The first time I was jelly. He effed me up. So. It happened. AGAIN. Guess what I did? I FINALLY Called police. No anomosity behind that action. Just needed him to know: you let me go so let me go.

oh there is so much more but I chose to put a wall up. Like you, I dont hate him. I know he loved me but I deserve SO MUCH MORE. As do YOU.

[irish88]

Thank you so much Shal ☺️

I won't close down by fb as it's good for me to keep in touch with family back home.

He's half away around the world but still trying, I feel sorry for him god knows what he's up against,., but he chose to leave his choice.

I'll look back at him and smile.

I've been dating, going back to the gym etc so things are great.

We both deserve more 😊 x