he broke my heart with arranged marriage

[chickadeedee]

>>I'm not quite sure why they think we are more easily disposable?

 

I don't think they think of white girls as more disposable, i think they know that white girls will sleep with them before marriage (and they are not ready to marry yet and will marry in their culture), whereas in their own culture most girls stay virgins until marriage.

 

So if all they want is fun and dating and are not ready for marriage, they are going to choose dates who will offer the most to them. Remember, they have an extremely patriarchal culture so that is their mindset, where men get to play while women are expected to remain virginal until marriage or else they are used goods and not eligible for marriage. They are also allowed to marry up to 4 women. So love and marriage is a totally different mindset than western woman are used to and hence they don't understand what it going on and view the relationship thru the lens of how Westerners date and marry, rather than what that means in other cultures.

[irish88]

Chikadee I am letting go of the past, but how can I fully move on with my future when im living in the present? The only true way to move forward with ones future is to learn to let go and accept the past, I’m not fully there yet, but I will be. I need to deal with this situation before I can fully move on 100%; otherwise I’d be lying to myself. It’s not about understanding him, it’s about me and understanding what happened.

Looking back at it now, I was brainwashed in a way, all my friends told me (especially my male friends) they even wanted to know where he lived to warn him to stay away.

I still can’t fully see it all yet, but I hope I will soon.

He always demanded to know what I was doing, wearing, who I was with etc, why I didn’t pick up the phone etc. I’m a shell of who I was because of it. At least 6 phone calls a day, 50-60 messages a day.

And I doubt his dad would say that either, if he didn’t have the balls to stand up to him in the first place there is a reason I’m sure.

I clearly stated I wouldn’t tell his dad although when your angry thoughts like this come in to mind, hence why I’m on this forum. A stalker is someone who follows/harass/contacts someone… I’ve done none of these…. I’m merely here to vent on what happened and say what’s on my mind.

i agree with what your saying about re-astblishing contact with my friends etc xx

[irish88]

Also Chickadee. Ive worked a gyne nurse before and i can ASSURE you that the amount of muslim woman coming to the clinic to have hymen replacement (as to lie to their husbands on their wedding night) is the highest group.

Ask any gyne on Hrley Street and they will tell you that most of their clients fly over from pakistan india etc for hymen replacement... thats fact.

bizarre

The thought of someone wanting me for "one thing only" infuriates me tbh. Im such a good person to everyone and its horrible for any woman to be used and disposed of like crap. these people have no morals and view western woman as easy pray.

[mhowe]

The know from early adulthood that they will return after their education and marry an arranged bride. They are out in the world for education...and the men for experience and having a bit of fun. I am sorry he used you and broke your heart. It was thoughtless of him.

[irish88]

I also think that’s a novelty thing, having someone with blue eyes and blonde hair. That’s been the hardest thing for me to accept, being duped like that and conned. I only had one partner before him (5 years) and he knew it too. I’m a firm believer in karma and while he’s with his bearded wife ill be laughing.

These parents would be better at raising their sons properly such as respecting people from different cultures.

[chickadeedee]

Honey, everyone understand it's upsetting... everyone hates to get dumped... i think you will make it much harder on yourself if you try to make this about his father or his culture or his race or your blues eyes or anything else. The thing to understand about getting dumped is that someone made another choice and it's not you. And of course he might have been more honest or more self aware etc. But the reality is he's made another choice. And the freeing thing about that for you is that you can make another choice too... a choice to put him behind you, learn from this, look for someone more suited to you and your culture, someone who treats you better, someone who has more in common with you and who is less dominating for you.

 

Your life is open to you to put this behind you and find a BETTER man and a more SUITABLE man. Take some time to heal, but try to avoid dwelling on the past or him too much because that just drags a whole lot of bitterness into your life and can retard your healing.

[irish88]

Chickadee it's nothing to do with being dumped. I'm a strong woman, I'll cope 😄

I'm sure I'll be dumped again in the future. Like I said, if I'd known the truth that an arranged marriage would take place.... I would not have gone there, believe me.

I have every right to be bitter, I'd doubt you'd be jumping for joy if you were in my shoes.

And I believe it is about his culture... His culture=arranged marriage??

If a relationship does not work out fine, no prob that happens.

However, for someone to enter into something knowing the outcome BEFORE....that's a different story.

His choice to not tell me.

And I am putting it behind me, that's why I'm writing things down in this forum, as that's whats helping me move forward. Thanks for replying, it's really helped x

Thanks

[ppp]

I know how it feels.It happened to me recently. My bf was about to get engaged to the girl his parents chose and yes he also started acting weird. He was going for an arranged marriage, started chatting with her and maybe was developing romantic feelings for her. I was so broken and depressed. I could count the seconds they appeared so long. My heart never stopped beating. Got insomnia. Stopped eating. Life was hell.

I tried to convince him a number of times like you did. Begged him to convince his parents. Sent long manipulative emails. Nothing really helped. I got so tired because there was not a single thing to be said. I was done. I deleted his number and email ids. I didn't block him because I knew one day he would contact me and I wanted to ignore his calls or texts lol.

Well, one day he did contact me, that marriage somehow got cancelled. He convinced his parents too. The things he said were tough a few months ago were easy all of a sudden. You see, if someone is really interested in you, he will not care about family and all.In my culture arranged marriages happen all the time so I know what it is but now a days it's not that difficult to convince your parents. Sooner or later they agree.

He proposed me the same day, my pain disappeared all of a sudden. I started eating ,started sleeping properly. It all was a matter of second and guess what, I said No to him. This was my time, I dumped him and never looked back.

[mhowe]

OK...so what he did was horri me. Stop focusing on him/them because the hate only poisons the hater. Be glad that you CANT marry into that family and seek a man whose values align with hours.

[chitown9]

Actually, what the hell am I saying? I have a master’s degree, am a hospital manager, have men after me all the time. Am not a racist like him and his family, and treat people with respect.

He on the other hand does not have the balls to face up to his family, has acne and can barley support himself, earns x3 less than I do. He can go and marry his unloved wife and live a fake happy life to please his parents.

I’m so glad I found this forum.

I’m lucky to come from a respectful background with loving parents. Unlike this man I was brought up to treat people with respect in regards to sex, ethnicity, culture religion etc

Thanks Guys ;-)

 

So happy to hear that!:smiley_simmons: I bet you are quite a catch too....sometimes we just want something that we cannot have, but now you have taken a good look at it and realize that you don't really want it. Yeah...go no contact with him and start dating someone who is honest. That would be a refreshing change!! chi

[irish88]

I'm so glad I read this 😊 I never begged him, all I begged him was to tell me the truth.,.., it never came.

I'm glad he's in another country, it makes it much easier for me knowing this. He is coming back in July (will prob be married by then) who knows.

I think he's getting married very soon.

I hope if he does call me I'll be 100% healed.

It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one gone through this, and thankyou so much for sharing your story.

I spoke a muslim colleague of mine. He was disowned from his family for 17 years for being with a "non muslim" (his family were brought up in Britain) they are on speaking tearms now (after he left this woman and took his religion seriously) so I'm sure it's a choice of loosing your family or not.

[irish88]

Also, if you read what Ivd written... I've NEVER once said I want him back. In my original post I said I want to pursue him as in get ans.

I got my answers, he has no balls, has no respect for himself or anyone else... and is a dog... That is all

[pippy longstocking]

I think over the next few days a lot of things will suddenly dawn on you ..that is my experience of bad relationships ..like you said on an earlier post ..the more you think about it the more you suddenly click things into place ..It is like going over the same book but with different eyes .

 

I watched a documentary actually on the girls coming over for hymen replacements.

[irish88]

I know. The amount of them that were done in the clinic was crazy, we were doing at least 5 a week.

I never thought I'd have a view so strongly on other peoples cultures, but this experience really opened my eyes. I've spoken to many muslim friends of different backgrounds and what they tell me is unbelievable.

I find it sad that parents still to this to their children.

Looking back, I suspect he was engaged (or promised) to be.

I take (a strange) comfort in the fact that he liked me because of how I was, how I acted and looked (all very superficial and not important)

But I'd rather a man liked me for that, than "having" to like me because of other people. Upsurd, isn't it?

I spoke to a young Somali girl today who works at my hospital. She's marrying her first cousin in 3 months because they marry into the same family.

My ex also told me (when the truth came out) that in Islam there is no such thing as love in a marriage.... It's about what's best for families.

All very sad. I feel for people living in a life without 100% love.

[Zuri]

One of my bffs went through a similar situation. I have mentioned it on ena once or twice. She was very deeply in love with a man from India who lives here for work. According to her, she did not know when they met and started dating seriously that his intention was always to enter an arranged marriage. Like you, she said that had he been upfront about it early on she maybe could have been prepared a year or so later when he dropped the bomb that his parents were starting the search for a bride for him. My bff was very devastated when he agreed on a bride. She said she was even willing to be his mistress. DESPERATE. He ended up cutting off all ties. I think she fessed up to stalking him at some point. She took the break up pretty badly and is still quite jaded (imo) to this day.

I sincerely hope you are able to fully heal and find the love that you deserve.

[irish88]

I truly feel for your friend, it's very very sad for her, esp if he is in this country thank god my "scammer" is back home.... I most certainly will not stalk him or his (parents) chosen bride.

Remind your friend that the Indian guy was with her because he wanted to be.... But his culture/custom overtook that, and he's now married to a woman he "had" to be with in a way.... Take comfort from that fact

I will never be anyone's mistress, as I'm worth X100 times that and more.

God when I look back at "him" now I nearly want to be sick. No morals, no balls. He knew he had to lie to have a shot with me.... Pathetic men they are. Disgusting

[chitown9]

Well, the good news is that you are definitely over him and are more than ready to move on. Great news! ..chi

[pippy longstocking]

It is very eye opening reading this ..and you deffinately have the fire in you to get over this and I know you will do it with your head held high ..

 

not trying to down play your situation , but do you want a show called "the big bang theory" funny as hell ...but there is always an undercurrent of fact covering many areas ...and one of the main parts is an Indian man , whose parents had an arranged marriage and always when they make an appearance there is just such dark humour surrounding the fact that it was an arranged marriage lacking in one BIG ingredient ....LOVE ....

 

We should really never judge or be part of this culture , but likewise ..nor should they "us" ..

Infact I imagine it is a given that the men sow thier wild oats and its all brushed under the carpet because its ok for them .. Leaving a trail of destruction behind them .

 

Not the same , but my very good friend ended up married to a man who just wanted to stay in the UK .. she got sucked in hook , line and sinker ... the humiliation she said she felt when it all came out .. even to the point of her changing her name badge at work back to her own name and having to tell everyone how used she was ...terrible ...like I say I know it's not the same ..

 

Anyway ...hope you are feeling strong today .. you will get waves of it ..just keep coming and getting it out on here ..sending lots of healing and loving energy your way xx

[irish88]

i have seen the big bang theory, and i know who your talking about ;-)

I am feeling strong today, had a bit of a cry last night, but that was it as i still miss him dreadfully.

Yes i do judge the culture (i even judge my own) lol

i believe what your saying about these men "messing around" before marriage. In a way i dont blame them.

God knows how i would feel if my fate was to marry and spend a life with someone i didnt love like they will..............

worse than a death sentence IMO, married to someone i may not even be attracted to.

One thing i do know is that i would not lie or hurt people regardless how miserable i am.

Last week before he left, he broke down crying over the hurt he had caused me. He also phoned my mother telling her how

sorry he is and to please look after me as he loves and misses me. I truly do not think he realised the damage he had done to me.

Im sure ill hear from again (by then i will be stronger) i wont scold him, his punishment wil be a loveless life-thats enough.

Thats horrible about your friend, i feel deeply for her. These people clearly had no love as children and so feel the need to hurt others.

God bless them x

[pippy longstocking]

The more you write the more I can see how he is going to spend his life missing YOU ...believe me ..you are lovely , nice to talk to you , a damned good honest heart and a professional woman .. if I wasn't so angry for you I would feel sorry for him haha in some bizarre parallel universe . I am saying it tongue in cheek obviously , because ok , we can sit here till the cows come home and wonder about the innocents in this custom ( the females ) who , as you say , have a life of what ? a loveless marriage ...havng kids and keeping house ..but it doesn;t give anyone the right to knowingly pull another in .

 

Myself I cannot even stand a man near me when it's over ..you know those last few dwindling weeks when you know you are going to end things and every time they come near you , you feel yuk ...awful .. well to spend a lifetime like that ..oh my god .. I am like you , I really believe in love ..the real deal , which is why at 48 I have never married ..apart from my ex I didn't feel it and didn't want it . Lets be glad for us that we where born into our culture .

[irish88]

Well i said more than a choice few words to him, swore at him and (almost) hit him when i found out everything, so im not too sure lol.

The anger is still there, but has mostly been relaced with pity...for him.

I dont believe that the woman are innocent too, it is a fAke culture IMO. One to make other people happy

I actually met a man (catholic) quite recently who has asked me out on a date, hes a business owner and has his own brain...so who knows.

I do believe in love, something he will never have, poor soul.

His parents want him to marry a muslim in hijab who is not allowed to even pluck her eyebrows lol....it makes me laugh.

And its been really nice talking to you too

id love to hear from other woman who have been in a similar position.

[irish88]

well guess what??

He just messaged me on facebook (on a different account)

he has asked me to meet him in july to talk about everything.

I replied with this;

"Move on with your life. You made your choice so deal with it and im glad you did. My heart breaks for you and I truly pity you. Full sypmpathy to you N.

Ill ask my friends to say Duas for you and id advise you to say Ishatkira as you need it greatly as you my friend are a very lost, confused person.

May god bless you and i hope you life your life with 100% love and happiness, although highly doubtful. Take care, and all the best K"

[PH Suite]

Irish88, that is awesome and real inner strength. Thanks for sharing that shining example of self-respect!

[pippy longstocking]

Irish88, that is awesome and real inner strength. Thanks for sharing that shining example of self-respect!

 

seconded ...if you feel like you are swaying come back and tell us so we can infuse you with a bit more determination ....

 

you are doing fabulous xx

[irish88]

No im not swaying back at all, and never will. All i feel for the man now is pity, the same way i would pity a wounded dog.

 

hes not getting married this year (what he told me in his message) I think whats happened is hes realised his fate and future and is

more than likely regretting it. Hes also tried to phone my mother today, thankfully she missed his call.

 

im not bitter nor angry, just full of pity for this brainwashed man

 

Thanks x