Boyfriend of almost 5 years, but can't get another man out of my head. HELP!

[gem2]

Hi. I'm driving myself nuts about my situation. I'll make it as condensed as possible so it's not a tedious read.

So my bf and I make 5 years in the Fall. I love him more than I can explain and really can't see my life without him and I want to marry him one day, but recently I met someone that I just can't stop thinking about.

My bf has cheated on me twice (3 years ago), not physically, but virtually-- he would send and receive very inappropriate pictures with women and talk very dirty things with them. I forgave him because I guess "love really is blind," but honestly, I'm over that; like I think about it sometimes, but it doesn't affect me anymore at all that he did that and I haven't caught him again doing it in the last 2 years.

Anyway, so I met this man, who is twice my age (doesn't look so at all), and is a very successful engineer. We've been texting each other, and he's well aware of my relationship with my bf. He has told me it's a shame I'm taken because I'm wonderful, and that my bf is lucky, but that he respects and looks forward to a sincere friendship.

Thing is, since I met him a month ago, I literally think about him mostly everyday and I even text him first (he only texted first twice, I have like maybe 5, 6 times)...I feel like a total bxtch because i'm texting with this man I can't get out of my head and have a serious bf of again, almost 5 years.

I don't want to tell my bf how I feel because I fear he might dump me, but it SUCKS so much thinking of this other man. I don't know what is wrong with my feelings! It's driving me insane. Like lately I'm so blah with everyone because I'm so confused and it's terrible.

Also, lately I've found the tendency to flirt not only with this engineer, but just other male friends.

What is going on with me?

I WOULD NEVER EVER cheat on my bf, because I really, truly, unconditionally love him and his family, but I don't know what to do with this other person haunting my thoughts.

Please help me! I don't want to break up with my bf, because if we do, that means he's out of my life forever and I don't want that at all, but I also don't want to keep thinking of the older man and I want this crush on him to stop developing.

WHAT SHOULD I DO

[Clinton]

Well, you're not as into your boyfriend as you claim to be if you are this infatuated with another man.

 

I don't care if your boyfriend cyber cheated on you, it doesnt justify this. Two wrongs do not a right make.

 

I think you want out of your relationship but are scared of being alone if things didn't work out with the new guy. Your boyfriends your backup.

 

Do the honorable thing and breakup with him because you're just using him right now.

[rosephase]

It's perfectly possible to love someone very deeply and get a crush on someone else. This guy you are texting with? If you really want to marry your boyfriend then block that guy's number. Say your sorry and then remove him from your phone. If you not in contact with him the constant thinking about him will pass after a bit of time. As for flirting with you male friends? Do you feel like you get enough attention form your boyfriend? Do you feel like you can be happy in a monogamous relationship? I'm polyamorous I have three long term committed partners and one of the reasons I choose to have my relationship function like this is because I love making connections with people and being deeply in love with one person doesn't limit how much I can love another. But it's a lot of emotional work to be open and if you are looking for a more traditional relationship you need to find a way to have your needs met by your boyfriend and platonic friends. How would you feel if you boyfriend was obsessing over texting with some woman?

[relevart]

What are the nature of your texts with this other man?

[gem2]

Well, one of the things i've always wished was for my bf to be more romantic and affectionate. I'm always the one hugging and kissing and saying cute stuff, but I understand because he's a very serious kinda guy--he's been like this since the beginning so it's not like he just recently started being dry, that's just his nature. Idk if it's because I'm getting attention from this older man that I'm like this because I barely get from my bf. It didn't really bother me that much before how dry my bf is, but lately it's been getting to me. I see some of my other gfs and how their bfs are affectionate and romantic then I get kinda jealous over that. If my boyfriend was just more romantic and affectionate, things would be perfect. And you're right, I would HATE him texting and obsessing over another woman. It's just I'm not sure what to do, I'm so confused. Why am I attracted to this other man if I LOVE my bf.

[gem2]

What are the nature of your texts with this other man?

 

Hey. I've never been inappropriate nor flirted back, but we just talk about his job and traveling and school and just general stuff..

[Clinton]

People who are in relationships where their needs are being met don't look outside the relationship.

 

Emotional cheating is just as bad as physical. You've crossed a line here. You keep protesting how much you love your boyfriend but actions are usually the true measure of the way things actually stand.

 

If you are serious about maintaining the relationship with your boyfriend I'd suggest couples counseling to work out your issues.

[ParisPaulette]

I WOULD NEVER EVER cheat on my bf, because I really, truly, unconditionally love him and his family, but I don't know what to do with this other person haunting my thoughts.

 

Then you stop texting the other guy and remove the temptation/object of your infatuation from your life. Period. There's no other way to have both your cake and eat it too, which is kind of what you're doing now. And yes, couples counseling would be a good thing to do as others have suggested.

 

And you're already emotionally cheating on your boyfriend if you're texting this other guy, fantasizing about him, and I'm pretty sure keeping the whole thing hidden from your boyfriend and his family. Not to judge you, but from an outsider's perspective your words about not wanting to cheat and how much you love your BF ring pretty hollow right now.

 

And yes, if you can't get the other guy out of your head and you can't control or handle the fact that at times someone might come along to tempt you, which happens, then break up with your boyfriend BEFORE you cheat on him. Breaking up sucks, it hurts, but it's a billion times worse when it happens because your SO cheated on you. The first scenario just has your boyfriend crying that you didn't love him. The second scenario would damage his self-esteem and confidence horribly (why wasn't I good enough, what's wrong with me that she felt she had to go elsewhere) not to mention his whole family would pretty much hate your guts from that point on. Even if you both patched things up they'd never trust you again and would like resent you.

 

At the end of the day this is up to you, but I found the fastest, best way, only thing to do when temptation shows up is to get rid of it completely. When I'm on a diet I don't bring donuts into the house. When my car mechanic was a totally hot guy that started hitting on me I took my car elsewhere. Same principle, problem solved and done, cross it off the list.

 

Tell the guy you have a BF you love, this is inappropriate, and delete and block him. The infatuation will fade and soon enough. The stain on your reputation and soul if you don't do that will be a whole lot tougher to get rid of.

 

P.S. If this is really hard for you to do look at the texts you and this man have been sharing then imagine your future in-laws and boyfriend's faces and reactions if you were to show them these texts and say, "This really hot older guy and I are having a texting thing, what do you think?" If that doesn't kill it and wake up then pretty much nothing I know of will. Just saying.

[Vape2015]

It's ok to end relationships. It sounds like you feel very guilty to have fallen for someone else, but its ok, it really is. It's normal and ok. It's also ok to realize you love your bf and care about him as a person but not feel romantic about him anymore. Too many people who are not in love stay together because they feel obligated to and then they have miserable lives resenting the other person because of it. No matter what, the person being broken up with is always going to make you feel like a jerk, and so will anyone else who has ever had their heart broken, so get prepared for that and stay the course because its your life not theirs.

[chickadeedee]

OK, let me tell you what marriage counselors would say in a case like this.

 

Being in a relationship is a CHOICE. So you have to align your behavior with that choice that you want the relationship (or not). If you really value your BF and really want the relationship to succeed and proceed to marriage, then you have to make choices that will ensure you meet that goal.

 

Everyone will be tempted by others at some point in their lives and relationships. But it is the CHOICE you make that determines whether your relationship will continue or be destroyed by yielding to temptation. And if you are sincerely tempted, then your choice needs to be to remove whatever risk there is to your relationship (remove the temptation, stop encouraging contact with the temptation). If you're on a diet and want to lose weight, you don't back a big luscious chocolate cake and sit it on your kitchen table every day. If you don't want to be unfaithful and love your partner, you stop contacting and interacting with men you find tempting.

 

That is the long answer for what the marriage counselor would tell you. If you are tempted by this other man, then he can't be your 'good friend.' You need to prioritize your relationship, and cut off this other man and stop trying to be friends with him. The world is full of people to be friends with, and it doesn't have to be this one man who might cause you to lose your relationship with your BF. You need to cut him off. Tell him you appreciate his wanting to be friends, but you will need to stop contact and not continue because you've both already admitted to an attraction, and you need to focus on your BF and your relationship and not play with fire. Then cut him off and delete him.

 

if you feel something is missing in your relationship, then you need to discuss with your BF and ask for what you want. (more romantic dinners? flowers once a month? more cuddling on the couch watching movies?) Many men need to be taught romance because little boys are taught to 'be strong, not cry, not be emotional.' So this is not an uncommon problem. If he loves you, he'll try to give you more romance, but you need to tell him what like, aske him to do it, and tell him how often you need him to do it.

[chickadeedee]

btw, i think if you leave your BF for this other man, he'll be fun for a while then he'll probably dump you and chase some other young girl. Beware of middle aged guys trolling for young girls. they're usually only interested in a fling to build their egos and prove to themselves they've still got it and can attract young girls.

[Longview01]

Hey. I've never been inappropriate nor flirted back, but we just talk about his job and traveling and school and just general stuff...

 

You said different in your OP

 

Also, lately I've found the tendency to flirt not only with this engineer, but just other male friends.

[Capricorn3]

I WOULD NEVER EVER cheat on my bf,

WHAT SHOULD I DO

You're already emotionally cheating on him.

 

What to do? IF, as you say, you really love your boyfriend, then do the right thing and stop communicating with the other guy. Stop with all the flirting and put your focus back on your boyfriend.

[Lester]

You said, "Anyway, so I met this man, who is twice my age (doesn't look so at all), and is a very successful engineer. We've been texting each other, and he's well aware of my relationship with my bf. He has told me it's a shame I'm taken because I'm wonderful, and that my bf is lucky, but that he respects and looks forward to a sincere friendship.

 

These are the classic/canned lines of a professional cheater. Gem..., take a number.

 

But at the end of the day he's really not the problem. You are.

You've wasted five years of your life in boyfriend town and are looking at probably another five years or more being wasted.

 

That's your problem.