What is worse?

[johnnycash12]

While my girlfriend and I were together, I got drunk and kissed a girl for 5 seconds at a party. We possibly danced too but nothing sexual just casually. The next day I went straight to my girlfriend and confessed everything, all my guilt, and all the details. She cried and cried, but eventually forgave because she saw how much I hated myself for it and how regretful I was.

 

A few months later, there was a lot of stress between us b/c of other things, I was angry and I told my girlfriend we should probably stop talking for a while. To me this was an ambiguous message that did not indicate "breaking up" for certain, but she believed otherwise. The next day she went out to a party, got really drunk, and made out with a guy for 15 minutes. Not only that, she grinded with him for a good while too. The next week we were talking again, and everything seemed normal between us. She didn't bother bringing anything up. 2 months after the incident, she mentions it to me: "I kissed a guy at a party, but it was only for 2 minutes. Well... made out with tongue and it was pretty sloppy." She defended herself by saying she thought I was out of her life at that point. All she had said was 2 minutes of kissing.

 

It wasn't until the next week that her friends told me what really happened - the extensive making out and grinding she left out (claiming to not remember any of lasting more than 2 minutes ) She told me how regretful she was and cried too. It was similar to the situation with me several months prior, but I just can't seem to shake this one off and forgive her. What she did seems much worse. She willingly rubbed her ass into another guy's hard **** , enjoying it for several minutes, then shoved her tongue in his mouth for another 10. This was NOTHING compared to what that girl and I did, but she likes to bring it up and say I ****ed up too so we can empathize with each other. I came to her about it within 24 hours and she waited 2 months to tell me 30% of what happened.

 

So which is worse? The first incident or the second incident?

 

I get really sick thinking about what they did. I considered breaking up with her because it hurts me so much but I love her at the same time.

Should I just let this go?

[imperfectxoxo]

It seems like you are looking for validation as to how your situation is easier to forgive, less hurtful, etc. But I'm not sure it's helpful to answer which situation is worse. Regardless of how "severe" the incidents were, you both betrayed each other and broke that trust. And it seems like you both feel guilty about what you both did wrong, even though you told her what happened quicker than she did.

 

Even though you love her, can you let it go? Only you can answer that question. Will you be able to trust her or will you always be suspicious that it could happen again?

[Hollyj]

No ambiguity! You told her that you should stop talking. To me, that would mean we were no longer together.

 

Get off of your high horse. I think what you did was worse, as you were together.

[mhowe]

You broke up with her...most people would take "we should stop talking for a while" as you exiting the relationship. So you got with a another girl WHILE in the relationship and she danced and kissed a boy after you walked away from the relationship. Yours was worse.

[greta96]

When you tell someone you want a break, you do it with the knowledge there will be consequences, and you must be prepared to accept the risks.

When she did what she did, you were not together; when you did what you did, you were. So yes, yours was cheating, hers wasn't.

[saluk]

You were on a breeeeak!

[agent1607307371]

To me this was an ambiguous message

 

Then you should have clarified it. When someone says I don't want to see you, that's a break up.

[Clinton]

I'm gathering you two are very, very young. You've learned a valuable lesson. No such thing as a break, you were broken up.

 

And there really are no degrees of cheating. Cheating is cheating. You don't get to take the moral high road here.

[Sportster2005]

I get really sick thinking about what they did. I considered breaking up with her because it hurts me so much but I love her at the same time.

Should I just let this go?

 

That's not the question. Can you let it go? If you decide to take that path.

 

You've broken each other's trust. I think it's time to call it a night. It's really irrelevant why things have happened. They've happened. Once the bell has been rung, it can't be undone.

[Swanseagirl]

Ok hers is worse, but honestly does that really matter, doesn't matter who 'wins' and whos was worse, fact is you both cheated, forget it and move on clean slate, if you can't do that it will come to a very quick end I imagine x

[HeartGoesOn]

So which is worse? The first incident or the second incident?

 

Both.

 

You both acted in an immature way, which leads me to believe it's time to hang up your hat and stay single for a while, and learn to be an adult. No offense, and this applies to both of you.

[faraday]

Sorry buddy....you were broken up. I think it's time to put a fork in it

[Hollyj]

Ok hers is worse, but honestly does that really matter, doesn't matter who 'wins' and whos was worse, fact is you both cheated, forget it and move on clean slate, if you can't do that it will come to a very quick end I imagine x

How did she cheat, if they were broken up? Don't undestand that!

[Tinydance]

Well, you're right, "we should stop talking for a while" IS an ambiguous message, which could mean all sorts of things. I'm just wondering, why did you guys not talk about that any further? Why didn't you explain yourself and also she didn't try to clarify what you meant either...? Sounds like very poor communication to me. Secondly, I think technically what she did was worse, but I think not necessarily because of what she did when she was drunk, but the fact that she took so long to be honest with you. You were both drunk and sounds to me like at that time neither of you actually knew what you were really doing. As in, neither of you may have necessarily thought "I'm going to cheat". Most likely it was the alcohol. So how far it went was just circumstantial, I.e. she happened to kiss for longer, you didn't. Also it depends what kind of cheating people are willing to forgive. Neither of you had sex with the other person, and she had forgiven you for kissing another girl. The question is, can you forgive her for kissing another guy? If not, then obviously you'll have to end it. But if you love her and want to work it out, you may need to let it go. I think what you did is as bad as her, regardless of how long you kissed another girl or whether you grinded or didn't grind, and so on. She didn't do anything worse than you apart from not being as honest about it as you were. But maybe she actually did think that you were broken up or taking a break when she did it and she thought why tell you, it would just upset you. Many grey areas here I think and you guys have very poor communication.

[faraday]

You were both drunk and sounds to me like at that time neither of you actually knew what you were really doing. As in, neither of you may have necessarily thought "I'm going to cheat". Most likely it was the alcohol. .

 

Oh! So if you're drunk, cheating is okay because then it's an "accident". Cool. Good to know.

[UnSkinnyBop]

You were on a breeeeak!

That's exactly what I thought of reading this! Classic Ross/Rachel scenario.

 

I believe you both to be too unhealthy and immature to be in this relationship. You seem to want validation that you did nothing wrong because that's all you want to believe and refuse to see otherwise, and she seems to think revenge is healthy. Neither of you is in the right here and there's no reason to take a poll of which is worse because I can see it being used only to throw it in her face in the off chance you come out "ahead" in your poll.

 

The relationship is already done. Time to realize that.

[Tinydance]

Oh! So if you're drunk, cheating is okay because then it's an "accident". Cool. Good to know.

 

Actually, no, that is not at all what I was saying. Where did you actually see those types of words or suggestions? If you don't understand what someone said then don't you think maybe you should ask to clarify, rather than making an assumption straight away? I don't appreciate your sarcasm, especially since that is NOT my opinion and you don't know me. I do NOT think cheating is fine or what either of them did was fine. All I was saying is that they were both drunk, *probably* weren't exactly thinking clearly and intending deliberately to cheat (at least doesn't sound like it). So the fact that the girl ended up tongue kissing and grinding was more just a circumstance. Like, it just so happened he didn't do as much and now he's blaming her because she did a bit more than him. THAT'S what I was saying. You didn't understand me but already make up your own mind about what I actually said. And I do think that even if you're drunk and you cheated, it's still wrong, but just saying it may not be intentional in all cases. Sounds like they both immensely regretted it so I think it was more of a mistake rather than consciously trying to cheat. Doesn't mean it's OK but not every single situation is very black and white.

[Lady Amalthea]

Most people will understand "let's not talk to each other anymore for a while" as a break... you should have been more specific about it, which in my eyes makes your incident worse, since you were still together. Anyways... can you just let it go? Both of you?

[mhowe]

Cheating is lack of impulse control. Kissing someone when drunk is not "a mistake".

Dirty dancing and French kissing a guy after your bf has told you "let's not talk for a while---is amusing yourself while you ex pouts and is neither cheating nor a mistake.

[Tinydance]

Cheating is lack of impulse control. Kissing someone when drunk is not "a mistake".

Dirty dancing and French kissing a guy after your bf has told you "let's not talk for a while---is amusing yourself while you ex pouts and is neither cheating nor a mistake.

 

Just my opinion and not saying I'm right necessarily, but in some cases it can be a mistake if you are so blind drunk that you don't really know what you're doing. But obviously in some cases it's not really a mistake if the OP said to his girlfriend "let's not talk for a while" and then she goes and does that with some guy pretty soon afterwards. Though I wouldn't really consider that cheating if she thought it was a break or break-up. Again, please don't misunderstand that I'm saying cheating is fine in a drunken situation, it's not. So OP, you DID actually cheat maybe more so than your gf because you were definitely officially together when you did it.

[faraday]

What you wrote (and I quoted the first time) implied that it was the alcohol, he didn't *mean* to...which is making an excuse as to why it happened. Excuses are used to default blame. They're the "but" in an apology. "I was late for work, but it's not my fault, the bus wasn't there on time." "I was going to save you the last piece of pie, but I got hungry." "I was going to do the laundry today but the game was on." Oh, and...

 

"I didn't mean to make out with some random girl, but I was drunk." Oops!

 

Idk, I don't think it's okay to say, "well, you weren't meaning to but...alcohol" because it's not anything valid. We don't say, "oh, you crashed a car...you were drunk though and not intending to drive, so it's cool. Go hug the orphan and you're repented."

 

Intentions are nothing. We are defined by our actions.

 

 

 

And you might not appreciate my sarcasm, and I'm sorry you don't, but I like it...(see what I did there?), so I'm going to keep it. I hear all the cool kids are doing it

[Clinton]

Just my opinion and not saying I'm right necessarily, but in some cases it can be a mistake if you are so blind drunk that you don't really know what you're doing. But obviously in some cases it's not really a mistake if the OP said to his girlfriend "let's not talk for a while" and then she goes and does that with some guy pretty soon afterwards. Though I wouldn't really consider that cheating if she thought it was a break or break-up. Again, please don't misunderstand that I'm saying cheating is fine in a drunken situation, it's not. So OP, you DID actually cheat maybe more so than your gf because you were definitely officially together when you did it.

 

Ahhhhh, the classic excuse of cheaters everywhere. I was too drunk to know what I was doing. You'd figure they would have retired that line by now.

[mhowe]

Getting blind drunk is a choice... Not a mistake. Therefore any actions that follow from that incredibly poor decision are not...by default...mistakes.

[Tinydance]

Ahhhhh, the classic excuse of cheaters everywhere. I was too drunk to know what I was doing. You'd figure they would have retired that line by now.

 

I think the thing here is to control yourself in all aspects, like if you know you get really flirtatious if you're drunk, then don't get so blind drunk. I do think though that you c as n be so gone in some cases you hardly know what you're doing. Doesn't mean you don't have to take the responsibility for what you did, or for the fact that you can't control or don't want to control your drinking in the first place. Let's face it there are some things we'd do drunk that we wouldn't do sober. I don't think people understand me or what I'm actually trying to say here. I do not think cheating is OK or that a person is free of responsibility simply because they were drunk. But in the case of OP, he says he was drunk and is making it out like he didn't mean to do it. Then he says his girlfriend did something really bad because she did the same when she was drunk. Seems like he thinks he should be forgiven (which she did), but what of forgiving her? The situation is basically the same, is it not? Except the OP kind of actually broke up with her so maybe it wasn't even cheating at all.

[Tinydance]

Yes I agree, I just said that as well.