Why being shy and unattractive sucks!

[AzureSkyes69]

thanks for the compliment

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I'm surprised that not many women have posted on this topic. Do the ladies not think that being shy and unnattractive sucks?

 

No matter how you look at it

 

No matter how funny you are, how nice and sweet you are

 

You have to be attractive, in general or to that person.

 

I am neither.

 

How many unattractive guys get hit on? Ok, how many of them are outgoing?

 

I know I know I know that if I was good looking my life would be different.

 

How many ladies say, "You see that guy over there. No not him, the ugly one. Girl, I have got to get me some of that!"

 

You say it's about attitude? You say it's about confidence? One of my best friends walks around with a frown on his face. Girls hit on him all the time, and why? He's hot.

 

Do girls grow crushes for guys who are funny? Probably, but I bet they're cute too, even if it wasn't noticed at first.

 

I am frustrated and boiling mad, but why start another thread and look like a whining fool!

[wlfpack81]

No probs KO I feel ya on this man. I agree w/the majority of the posts you make here and feel your anger. Most people just can't relate to being shy and ugly but we can.

 

Seriously I don't know how much longer I can take it. Angry music and drinking 2 or 3 times a week isn't doing enough to take my mind off of it and work doesn't either (as I'm making this post from work lol).

[mjctraider]

I feel the same way that I am shy and unattractive as well and I have discovered something that is interesting and some might think it is pure crap, but I shall test my theory out.

 

 

It all started out in 1993 there was this girl Kelly who thought I was kinda cute and flirted with me and talked to be and was really friendly. In 1995 there was this girl who has a huge crush on me. In 1997 there was Katie who liked me. In 1999 There was Kara that really really like me and she left me tnotes to prove it. In 2001 it was another girl whose name I do not recall, but I think she liked me as well. The signs would point to yes. Then in 2003 there was this girl Rachel that liked me and would always go out of her way to talk to me and would always walk up to me and poke me in the arm or elsewhere and say "Poke." Now it is 2005. Have you noticed a pattern?

 

Needless to say I think there is a pattern and 2005 there will be another girl that will like me and express it in someway or another. Now all of you are wondering so what happened to these girls?

 

Well Kelly was a senior and very very beautiful. I was a sophomore with no car and no money. So that didn't work out. The girl from 1995 I didn't find out until a year later and she no longer had a crush on me. Katie in 1997 I didn't find attractive and wanted her to find a guy that would be. In 1999 Kara was 16 I was 21 so that was a no no right there. In 2001 the other girl she had a boyfriend and I didn't want to interfere. In 2003 Rachel the girl that would always poke me she also had a boyfriend and I didn't want to interfere.

 

So now I have to wonder who will it be in 2005? Could it have been Chrissi a girl I went out once and she just wanted to be friends or will there be another girl that will flirt with me and like me. I guess only time will tell. And if 2006 comes along then I will know that Chrissi was the girl in 2005. So that means I would have to wait until 2007 before another girl would flirt with me and like me. Now I know you all think I'm crazy, but my data proves this, lol

 

Anyways my whole point here is even though I feel unattractive and I'm shy there are girls that do find me attactive and who do flirt with me, hit on me, what ever you wanna call it. So to all of us who feel unattractive and are shy, if a person of the opposite sex likes you and flirts with you, pokes you, talks to you, take the opportunity and talk to them and see if she/he could be a girl/guy that might go out with you and maybe eventually date.

 

If this does happen to me like it seems to happen every 2 years, this time I will pursue the girl and not let anything get in my way, unless of course she is heading to jail or her boyfriend looks like he could kill me by just touching me with his finger then no, but I will not let my lack of confidence get the best of me and talk to the girl. I'm tired of being single and the next girl that flirts with me or shows the signs she likes me I will pursue her.

[MetallicAguy]

KO, if you hate how you look and everything why don't you do something about it instead of sit here and get angry about it and beat yourself up.

 

I read in an article that asian guys are generally behind socially so maybe that's the problem it's not how you look. (I don't think it was a racist article or anything).

 

Ugly guys can get women, sure if their like Frankenstein hideous then the sex life is going to be ****. But at least they have a girl lol. You just need to find the inner-strength within yourself, be more outgoing and you'll have a better time getting women. It'll be better than being a quiet guy all the time. Look, I used to be like you, same attitude thoughts and everything, I got so mad it got to the point where I was definitely going to do something about it. And guess what? I am a lot more successful with women today than when I was younger, basically because I changed my attitude from pessimistic to OPTIMISTIC when your positive you give out certain vibes that make people feel comfortable around you. Right now you probably have the "**** off" attitude so that attracts no women, that's actually your fault instead of looks and etc. And if you hate the way you look, why don't you try something to fix it, like if you have glasses, get contacts, if your shy, read a book on how to overcome it. Sitting in a self-hating slump, on the computer all day isn't going to make you the next Don Juan. ****, you don't even have to be a Don Juan, you could have as much skill as a 13 year old for your age and get women lol. Maybe it's the way you dress you know? Get some better clothes, I've heard women like it when guys shop at like American Eagle and Abercrombie, and etc. Their not going to like some guy wearing rainbow colored suspenders, a Star Trek Deep Space Nine hat on, and 5 year old Dockers pulled up with a belt, and velcro shoes, and a Flintstones lunchbox LOL. You have to get some style. Fix your hair, spike it with gel, do something don't let it hang their because you don't care about what you look like. So other than that, change your self-image and thoughts you will have a better time attracting women. You may not realize it, but whenever some girl finds a guy checking her out, I'm pretty sure she thinks either good or bad about it. Since it's a positive thing, it can't be bad, unless you think bad about YOU. If you think, "I'm never going to get that girl, she's so hot" well your not. You've went to college right? Well then what attitude did you have to get there? "I'm going to work hard, I can't screw up if I focus on this I can receive the biggest reward; $$!!!", correct? So saying your not going to get women and blah blah blah is going to get you no women. Because your pissed off all the time and didn't do **** to improve the chances of getting a gf. (Use this post as a reference or a reminder if ya want )

[MetallicAguy]

I'm tired of being single and the next girl that flirts with me or shows the signs she likes me I will pursue her.

Right on man!!! That's the same attitude I had, I have changed myself entirely by having that mind-set!!

 

Kyoshiro dude, have that same mindset as mjctraider and I and you will be successful, if you believe to be successful you will, if you believe your a sack of ****, ugly and a waste of life; you are.

[wlfpack81]

No offense MetallicAguy while I do (and I believe KO does) appreciate the advice things will change once you get out of HS. In the post college life more comes into play than just clothes etc. In addition to those things being a factor, money, status etc. also creep in the picture which makes the dating game a lot more complicated that what you see in K-12 and even college to a degree.

[MetallicAguy]

Well whatever, if that's so how come people have wrote books on this topic and are successful with women? Look at David DeAngelo. His newsletter saved me from becoming a wimpy nice guy. He is I think, 5'10 but I know that he's fat, bald and not good-looking and kind of average. He only attracts women because of the laid-back vibe he puts out and his confident, relaxed attitude on life. This attracts women naturally anyhow, you combine this with the secret ingredient of teasing and he's just like those guys that have all those women hanging around him. The thing is though, he doesn't have to change much about himself accept integrate that attitude, mind-set and rules into his brain. And if it doesn't work for people in college and out of college, how come parents tease, eh? And how come reviewers for DeAngelo's ebook that are either in there 20's or 30's say it was the greatest investment in their life for 40 bucks and it works and their more successful. Don't tell me it's a marketing scam to reel you in, lol. This works way too good to be a scam. If you subscribe to his newsletter, wait for the email you get where it talks about Creating Sexual Tension. I think that that article is the key. Plus also for the guys having trouble talking to girls, it helps SOOO much to get conversations flowing.

 

But the clothes thing, yeah I directed that more towards HS people lol.

[Caldus]

Gonna have to go with what he said. I've only noticed more success with women while learning the basic principles that are taught here.

[MetallicAguy]

Thx man, at least I know someone agrees lol. I feel like that one independent guy in the House Of Representatives lol.

[Caldus]

Well it makes sense. I mean if you're going to be a wimpy nice guy then of course you aren't going to get treated more than a friend by women (except in rare cases I suppose).

[Unmotivated]

Wow, this thread was quite an interesting read for me.

 

I remember thinking of myself of handsome through much of junior high and high school. The thing is that I had the advantage (?) of being obese back then. That may sound kind of strange, but the thing is, my main concern back then was how fat I was, not my facial features.

 

I tackled the weight problem and got it down to an range that I'm satisfied with, but now, in college, I'm starting to have doubts about my looks in general.

 

When these doubts first arrived, I pulled a stupid move and submitted several pictures of myself to link removed. None of them scored above a 5. It was hard getting over that, but I did. I told myself that the majority of the voters on that site are biased towards a certain look, that I there are probably plenty of people out there attracted to me and not the guys on hotornot with high scores. That's probably a lie, but it keeps me going.

 

And that's what it's all about, really. You have to keep yourself going. I can't think of myself as ugly because that's not an option. That's me defeating myself.

 

Please, don't defeat yourself. Don't doubt yourself.

[smallworld]

Maybe I can lend a fresh perspective. I'm the shy girl who is NOT hot. (I refuse to call myself ugly. I have enough self-esteem issues as is.) How unhot am I? Well let's just say I've never had a stranger hit on me. In college I had lots of girlfriends ask me, "You're not really that pretty. Why are guys attracted to you???" And when I got married, quite a few guests and relatives told me how "lucky" I was to marry my husband.

 

So what's my secret? It's simple. I didn't worry about how many people found me unattractive. I just made friends with as many guys as possible. It wasn't a deliberate dating strategy. It was just what I felt comfortable with. But now that I'm older I see how smart a strategy that was. While the pretty stuck-up girls were passively waiting for a guy to ask them out, I was already inviting their crushes to see a movie or just hang out. Inevitably one of those guys became more than a friend and we got happily married.

 

Not every guy was cool of course. Some of them wouldn't even speak to me because I didn't meet their minimum hottie quotient. But interestingly enough those were the guys I found who didn't have many friends, period.

 

The bottom line is no matter how unattractive you (and others) may think you are, you're never going to make it to first base if you self-eliminate yourself from the dating world and your mind is repeating "I'm ugly and no one will ever want me" over and over. The world is cruel enough as is without us voluntarily tearing ourselves to pieces.

 

If you're getting shot down at the bar, try a different tactic. Hang out where the type of girl you'd like to meet hangs out and befriend as many as possible. You want a girl with heart, volunteer at a worthwhile cause. You like drama, hang out at the local community theater. You want a woman who makes you breathless, join a running club. You get the picture?

 

It's ALL about increasing your odds. And your odds are much better if you court a woman who already shares your interests and has had a chance to get to know you one on one. Even better, if you're doing something you love, you're bound to be more attractive to others because you're exuding your best self: confident, happy, and fun.

 

One last thing: I know it's hard being a shy unattractive male, but I disagree that it's any easier being a shy unattractive woman. A physically unattractive man can be considered attractive if he attains status, power, or wealth. Despite ERA, a woman's worth is still basically defined by her beauty. Just look at your own posts which seem to equate a beautiful woman's rejection of you as proof that you're worthless. Isn't that sick and demeaning to all of us?

[spatzcolumbo]

I can't remember if i have posted to this thread before or not, but i'm surprised if i haven't!! It's an interesting topic.

 

I think it is pretty obvious that when it comes down to dating, a lot of people DO put a lot of emphasis on looks as a primary fundamental reason to want to date someone. Looks are largely how we make a first impression.

 

As someone else pointed out tho (Shysoul i think), looks are subjective - a great example is my friend and I - he pointed out someone he thought was really really cute, and i thought she was actually quite ugly!! That makes me sound harsh!! What i mean is that she just wasn't my type at all!!

 

It is really important to keep that in mind. Not everyone is going to find you attractive, but by the same token, not everyone would call you unattractive.

 

What is also important (and i'm sure i'm just repeating everything that has been said already) is that you concentrate on emphasising your good points - play to your strengths!

 

Whatever you feel comfortable with, concentrate on that, and get yourself into a really positive mood about it. Tell yourself that whilst you acknowledge you have things that you'd like to improve on, in this particular area you are BETTER than all those around you. Tell yourself this regularly. When you do the things that you are good at, and get a good reaction, REMEMBER that feeling. Remember what it felt like, what made you feel like that at the time, what you were wearing, etc. Associate as many obvious things to that good memory as possible. The more you associate things to 'good' memories, the better you will generally feel when you see / hear / do that thing again. This slowly builds up a positive self image.

 

As you get more and more comfortable with the things you perceive yourself to be good at, your confidence will grow in those areas. In my experience confidence breeds confidence (success breeds success). So by building up the positive things in your life, the confidence that you see in those areas will very slowly start to trickle in to the other areas of your life.

 

When you go out to somewhere like a bar or a club, take a deep breath, push your shoulders back, and hold your head up high. Don't look down at the ground. Make sure that in the front of your mind you ALWAYS have the thought that you have NOTHING to be afraid of. There is nobody else in there who should intimidate you. Don't jump in and go straight for someone you are attracted to. Take a few weeks or months to get used to the feeling of walking around with your body language telling everyone "i'm happy to be who i am, you can take it or leave it". You don't get confidence overnight...it takes months and months.

 

This not only makes you more comfortable with who you are, but allows you to familiarise yourself with social situations that previously made you shy. It also shows people that you are happy to just go out and have fun - its not ALL about needing someone to find you attractive.

 

If someone makes eye contact with you, don't start questioning WHY they did it, just ENJOY it!! I'd even go so far as to say that even if you think its nothing, you should tell yourself that they are looking at you because you appear CONFIDENT and there is something about you that interests them.

 

One of the problems that people who are low on self esteem have is that they constantly search for negative reasons for everything, and are quick to push out the positives in any given situation.

 

One of the fastest ways to become more confident is to concentrate on the positives. If you do something that makes you cringe or feel embarrassed, just think to yourself "oh well it's done now, and feeling silly about it isn't going to undo it".

 

One more comment. I have a mate who has pretty low self esteem. He is always saying to me "she's out of my league". He is immediately putting himself down. If we are out at a club, i look at his body language, and can see him being very protective and negative:

 

slightly slumped shoulders

sullen face

looking down around his feet

 

When he is like this, he actually comes accross as a really unapproachable, and not particularly attractive bloke.

 

On the other hand, there is the odd occasion where his body language is the other extreme:

 

shoulders squared, and slightly pushed out

big grin

Head up, with wide eyes as if he is surveying the whole room

 

free mars bar to the first person to guess which body language makes him look more like a guy who the women will want to talk to!!

 

What i am saying is that a HELL of a lot of confidence can be 'faked' through confident body language. This on its own can get you little bits of eye contact, or smiles. Nobody has to act on these little signs, but they all work toward the bigger scheme of boosting your ego. First impressions are extremely convincing.

[RayKay]

 

shoulders squared, and slightly pushed out

big grin

Head up, with wide eyes as if he is surveying the whole room

 

free mars bar to the first person to guess which body language makes him look more like a guy who the women will want to talk to!!

 

I'll be waiting anxiously for my Mars bar

[spatzcolumbo]

 

 

That should have read:

 

free VIRTUAL mars bar.

 

I should stop offering prizes in my posts.

[wlfpack81]

One more comment. I have a mate who has pretty low self esteem. He is always saying to me "she's out of my league". He is immediately putting himself down. If we are out at a club, i look at his body language, and can see him being very protective and negative:

 

slightly slumped shoulders

sullen face

looking down around his feet

 

I'll admit this is how I am in everday life but I can't help it. I feel why walk around making eye contact w/everyone and smiling all the time. People would think you're weird or something. It's a know fact that eye contact usually is seen as a threat and I don't want people to think I'm eyeing them for the wrong reason. Plus again I think walkign around w/a grin on my face all the time would make me look like I'm on crack or something and all loopy.

[ShySoul]

spatz,

 

By Jove, I think he's got it!

 

I'm almost in complete agreement with your post. Looks are so subjective that to focus on them is pointless. You can be the very picture of the perceived vision of beauty and people still won't find you physically attractive. The vast majority of supermodels I don't see any appeal to. On the other hand a plain girl who isn't trying to look good comes off as very attractive. No one is ugly, everyone is beautiful in there own way. And true beauty comes from within anyways.

 

Focus on being the person you are, take pride in yourself. Confidence will follow and you won't even care if girls find you attractive. Some will, some won't, it doesn't matter. All that really matters is that eventually you will meet someone with whom you connect with on all level. And it can happen at any time, in any way. It doesn't necessarily have to be based off initial physical attraction. Hey, my girl was met online and it was two weeks before we even saw a picture of each other. That didn't stop her from liking me then. It was the personality that mattered.

 

Spatz, you know I have to find some flaw in your comment just to keep you on your toes. I don't think confidence can be faked. It has to be something you feel or else its not going to help. Even if you can fake it for awhile, your low esteem will catch up to you. Your just as likely to dismiss any looks you get as being your imagination. And then you might wonder if the looks you got were really for you or for that confident alter ego you have, not really you.

 

And call me weird (which I'm sure some of you probably already have ) but I would be the type to go up to someone who has a sullen face, looking down, etc. Chances are they would be the nicest, most insightful person there. And I can't stand seeing someone down, would want to see them smile.

 

Can I still get some of that virtual candy though. Got any gummi bears?

[Unmotivated]

I'll admit this is how I am in everday life but I can't help it. I feel why walk around making eye contact w/everyone and smiling all the time. People would think you're weird or something. It's a know fact that eye contact usually is seen as a threat and I don't want people to think I'm eyeing them for the wrong reason. Plus again I think walkign around w/a grin on my face all the time would make me look like I'm on crack or something and all loopy.

 

I recommend that you look people in the eye and if they look back at you give them a good smile. Just looking at them in the first place is a signal of confidence. I don't think you should worry about giving people the wrong idea with eye contact, just so long as you don't stare at someone for several seconds without smiling.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

...just so long as you don't stare at someone for several seconds without smiling.

What does this mean if a girl does this a few times... quite a few times? It will answer a lot of questions I have about a particular girl.

[wlfpack81]

Yea KO I've had girls stare at me before w/o smiling and that's definitely weird. I mean what the heck are you looking at then? ya know?

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Yea KO I've had girls stare at me before w/o smiling and that's definitely weird. I mean what the heck are you looking at then? ya know?

It would clear up a lot for me and give me some relief. I mean if they smile then they're showing some sort of interest, right? If they don't smile then...?

[Caldus]

Yea KO I've had girls stare at me before w/o smiling and that's definitely weird. I mean what the heck are you looking at then? ya know?

It would clear up a lot for me and give me some relief. I mean if they smile then they're showing some sort of interest, right? If they don't smile then...?

 

Then approach them anyway.

[ShySoul]

Guys, at least you've noticed girls looking at you. Maybe instead of dwelling on negative things (I've never had a girlfriend, blah blah...) or wondering what things like looking at you mean, you should be thankful for what you have had and try to capitalize on them. If someone's looking at you, talk to her!

[Unmotivated]

I agree with Caldus and ShySoul. I really doubt a girl would stare at you if she didn't want to have anything to do with you. Some people just don't smile very easy. Also, some people might be afraid to send you a smile unless they are certain that you are interested in them.