Why being shy and unattractive sucks!

[wlfpack81]

I just met a guy who finally lost his virginity at 39.

 

Living proof that it's never too late I guess.

 

Man 39....geez noway I let myself go another 16yrs to that point. If it comes down to it looks like a lady of the night may be the answer

[arrowbee]

I just met a guy who finally lost his virginity at 39.

 

Living proof that it's never too late I guess.

 

Man 39....geez noway I let myself go another 16yrs to that point. If it comes down to it looks like a lady of the night may be the answer

 

I've considerd that too. It might be my 25th birthday present to myself

[neewollah]

I lost my virginity being 23!!!

 

She has been the only GF I've had. 3 year relationship that just ended.

 

 

 

I'm also extremely shy, girls never look at me. Not even when I was one of the first kids that drove a car to the highschool, or when I ride my bike (it may be a cheap chinese bike, but for the motorcycle ignorant people it looks great).

 

 

At some point, being 23, I accepted somehow myself, tried to made myself into what I wanted to be. Accepted that I was a gothic, dressed like I wanted, had long hair, etc.

 

Suddenly girls liked me!!!

 

I dated 2 girls and the one that eventually became my GF. Obviously, such an unhealthy relationship destroyed basically everything I had made before, and I'm back to being the guy no girl notices...

[neewollah]

image removed

 

 

You think you are ugly??? Is that a stupid joke?

 

 

Man, I would kill to look like you!

[sole]

image removed

 

 

You think you are ugly??? Is that a stupid joke?

 

 

Man, I would kill to look like you!

 

LOL I thought that was a BAD idea of a joke too. Corvidae you're hot. If you truly believe you're ugly, then I'm TOTALLY surprised!

[sole]

I just met a guy who finally lost his virginity at 39.

 

Living proof that it's never too late I guess.

 

Man 39....geez noway I let myself go another 16yrs to that point. If it comes down to it looks like a lady of the night may be the answer

 

I've considerd that too. It might be my 25th birthday present to myself

 

How old is too old to lose your virginity? To me 39 is too old. 30 would be too old too.

 

I have to agree that sex isn't as important as having at least one meaningful relationship. The relationship will be remembered longer than the sex (unless the sex was really good or really terrible). But it's hard to get a meaningful relationship when everything is based on looks. People say personality is what matters. But looks are the first thing that attracts people to you in the beginning.

[Caldus]

People should have relationships or lose their virginity when the time is right. There shouldn't be some kind of agenda running in your head. You're totally defeating the purpose of those two things if that's what you're doing. When it feels right to you, then go for it.

[ShySoul]

Relationships and sex have nothing to do with age or apperance. They will happen when you meet the right person with whom you really connect with. What makes a relationship is the connection and understanding between two people. Personality is what matters. Looks aren't necessarily what first attracts people. Appearance may be what someone sees first, but it may only be a brief superficial glance so that the person can remember you more easily. They could just as easily be impressed and attracted to what you have to say, the way you present yourself, the things you have in common, etc.

 

There is no timetable for when these things are suppose to happen. I'd whether be a 40 year old virgin then lose it to someone I didn't truly love and want to be with. Forget about what society says you are suppose to be doing, and follow your heart.

[arrowbee]

I'd whether be a 40 year old virgin then lose it to someone I didn't truly love and want to be with. Forget about what society says you are suppose to be doing, and follow your heart.

 

I think you'll probably change your tune before the decade is out.

[ShySoul]

Well, before the decade is out I'll hopefully have someone to love. But even if I don't, I'm not backing down from my beliefs. I've defended this point of view as long as I can remember and they've only got stronger. I'm not going to change my mind.

[corvidae]

image removed

 

 

You think you are ugly??? Is that a stupid joke?

 

 

Man, I would kill to look like you!

 

LOL I thought that was a BAD idea of a joke too. Corvidae you're hot. If you truly believe you're ugly, then I'm TOTALLY surprised!

 

No of course it's not a joke!! That would be a rubbish joke!! I think what we have here is a 'grass is always greener' syndrome. I'm sure if you posted pics of yourselves I'd say "wow, you look great...what's the problem!?" We are our own worst critics, and we find it much easier to see the good in others than in ourselves. My feelings about myself are based on many factors throughout my life, which I have summarised in other posts.

[Caldus]

I agree with that. We are our own worst enemies.

[corvidae]

Well, here's for all the people that said I didn't have a problem with my appearance! I went out to a club last night filled with young women, and not one, not one, not even one, so much as acknowledged the fact that I exist. I didn't get so much as a friendly glance. I feel so ugly today, so damn ugly. God I'm depressed.

[Caldus]

These women must be real shallow or something. You are obviously hanging out at the wrong places. I don't think a bar or club is always the best place to meet women. Where else do you usually hang out?

[Shidoshi]

I would say that appearance certainly matters to a lot of people, even the ones who deny it, but you have to find a way to cope with it and move beyond it or you will never get into a decent relationship. If you feel that you are ugly you will definitely project that onto other people, which shows signs of major insecurities. This is what turns people off the most, a lack of confidence in yourself.

 

I've seen too many guys who seemed a bit hard on the eyes with women I would love to be with. The key to their success is that THEY don't think they're unattractive and could care less what you or I thought about it. I'm a little shy myself sometimes, and one day I decided just for kicks I would approach this woman in a resturaunt with complete confidence in what I had to say and move on. She was a receptionist, and all I did was walk up to her and say with a smile that I was with a group of people who were already seated.

 

Before I could finish my sentence she had asked me twice how I was doing and was almost blushing. This was the first time I had tried doing this and it proved to me how important confidence trully is. Come to think of it, I believe some girls who have expressed interest in me liked me even more when I didn't show too much interest in them. Not so much that they liked my disinterest, but that it seemed to them that I must have had something more interesting going on in my life.

 

Just like women who stay with cheating men, they have a certain "perception" of him. They feel like he doesn't care that he cheats cause if I break up with him he'll easily find someone else, he's so "confident." This may be a bit extreme, but it happens all the time. It may also have to do with the woman's self-esteem, more so than not, but whats important is the perceived confidence of the man.

[single4good]

corvidae lets get one thing straight, there is nothing wrong with your appearance...to me you look like Keanu Reeves, you are definitely not ugly...that is crazy talk. There is not much to say other than you have obviously been placed in unlucky circumstances where you can't meet many girls. Going to clubs in my opinion is absolutely pointless and I wouldn't take one thing from it that no girls took a look at you or spoke with you. I am sure Brad Pitt himself could walk in (without his fame) and no girl would even give him a glance. Most girls you come accross in a nightclub environment are superficial and expect you to come up to them and start conversation. Obviously if you are shy this environment is not going to work for you. On the other hand if you are one of these guys who can walk from one chick to another getting rejected with a smile on your face you are probably going to hit luck eventually. To me you do not sound like one of these guys. Unfortunately I do not have any golden solution to your problem with women all I can say is hang in there and try to stay positive. Once you become negative around girls....its all over. Also as crazy as it sounds there is a lot guys out there in the same situation as yourself....Myself for one.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

corvidae lets get one thing straight, there is nothing wrong with your appearance...to me you look like Keanu Reeves, you are definitely not ugly...that is crazy talk.

For some reason, I saw Brandon Lee-ish, yet another stud!

 

Ok, we're going to tackle this one, because it was confirmed here that you're a good looking guy. So here are my questions.

 

1)How did the women react to the other guys in the club?

 

2)What exactly were you doing? Were you making sure the wall wasn't going to fall down? Did you stand there like a stiff?

 

I think if you went to the club last night anticipating to be looked at, you may have had an expression on your face or an aura about you that was unapproachable. Not ugly, but but the way you carried yourself may have had an invisible wall that women detected, thus they moved on. Perfect example: One of my best friends is stunning, although a bit self centered. He's the spitting image of Eduardo Verastegui, a spanish soap star who is a hunk in his own right. At one point my friend was not a people person, and he had an aura about him that made him unapproachable. It completely baffled me why he didn't have a girlfriend. There was this one time when a girl told him that he had gorgeous eyes, but all he did was stroke his goatee, not even a thank you. But he didn't have women approaching him, and mind you on a scale of 1-10 he was probably a 9 (although he'll say he's a 10!)

 

But then his demeanor changed and he became more pleasant. We went on a vacation to Spain to visit his family, and by this time he was an apporachable guy. I tell you, the ladies were drooling all over him. So it wasn't his looks, it was how he carried himself.

 

How do you carry yourself around women? I am an approachable person, but I noticed that a few people call me Smiley, which is like calling an overweight person Tiny. And they don't know each other, so this is not a nickname among friends. I laugh a lot, I make people laugh, and I'm personable and sunny, but during downtime when I'm not talking, I never smile. I do it more now, even though I still am convinced I am as handsome as Cow Crap. But the way you carry yourself might be the key.

 

If we're all saying you're handsome, the problem lies elsewhere. You must believe...

[sole]

Well, here's for all the people that said I didn't have a problem with my appearance! I went out to a club last night filled with young women, and not one, not one, not even one, so much as acknowledged the fact that I exist. I didn't get so much as a friendly glance. I feel so ugly today, so damn ugly. God I'm depressed.

 

 

Everyone is right. You don't go to a club to look for a serious relationship.

I have friends who have tried this and it doesn't work. Have you tried asking a girl to dance? That would make her notice you. If you're a wallflower at a club no one will notice you anyway. I was always a wallfower at the club until I gathered my courage and confidence and danced. That was the only way I met guys at a club. They asked me to dance. WIth your looks, the girls WILL say yes if you asked them.

Do you have any female friends you'd like to date? If you do, this would make things easier because you' re comfortable around her and she knows your personality. So you shouldn't be worried about appearances.

 

Maybe I shouldn't give advice when I'm also dateless.

But it's easier to give advice than to receive it.

[corvidae]

Well thanks everyone for your kind and informative posts. I'll just clarify some issues people brought up.

Firstly I don't usually go to clubs, they're aren't really my scene. I much prefer quiet pubs and bars, but I was 'with people'. Also I feel it's sometimes good to try things you don't usually do. I don't think that clubs are a good way to find a good relationship, BUT, because it is a very shallow arena, it is a good place to see how you measure up based purely on looks. If someone approaches you in these places, it's because you look good.

I AM moody looking mostly. If I was one of the seven dwarves (the eighth dwarf?) I would probably be called Broody. I do have a sense of humour and I do laugh and smile a lot, but my default face is very grim (imagine Clint Eastwood in a Fist Full of Dollars). I do not do this on purpose, it's the way I am built.

I was just sitting at a table, and wasn't making any effort myself and thereforeeee I wouldn't mind so much that no-one showed interest, were it not for the fact that a guy I went with sat next to me had three, that's THREE, different women come up to him. He rejected two and got the phone number of one. I ask you!!! Another guy I went with, like me, got nothing.

I did occasionally make eye contact with a few women, but if I was to describe their reaction, I think it would be much the same as if I had had 'f**k you' written on my forehead. IF someone had smiled at me I would have smiled back. They didn't.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

...but my default face is very grim (imagine Clint Eastwood in a Fist Full of Dollars). I do not do this on purpose, it's the way I am built.

I was just sitting at a table, and wasn't making any effort myself and thereforeeee I wouldn't mind so much that no-one showed interest, were it not for the fact that a guy I went with sat next to me had three, that's THREE, different women come up to him. He rejected two and got the phone number of one. I ask you!!! Another guy I went with, like me, got nothing.

 

I like that... Default Face.

 

So what did your two friends do? The one who got nothing, was he brooding or just sitting there? And the good looking guy I will bet had a personality from afar that drew women to him like a magnet. I don't think it was all about him looking good. I am actually thinking of going to some clubs to see who gets hit on and who doesn't and watch their demeanor/actions before they were chatted up. But I'm too much of a coward, so forget I said that.

 

We went on a vacation to Spain to visit his family, and by this time he was an apporachable guy. I tell you, the ladies were drooling all over him. So it wasn't his looks, it was how he carried himself.

To finish this story, all the women were drooling over him, and I was completely ignored. At first I put on a pleasant face, but that did nothing. I mean it was downright awful how no lady even acknowledge my presense. And this happened almost everyday for the month that we were there. This is why I don't go to clubs/bars. I'm already losing a battle being by myself, but when I'm around good looking guys, who's going to give me the time of day. That's why created this thread in the first place.

 

So I wonder, where am I going to meet my woman? At a bar? Nope. At a club? Nope. At school? Nope, don't go to school anymore. At parties? Nope, same as a club. Online Dating Service? Nope, because I'm not tall enough, eyes are the wrong color, don't make enough money, etc. Museum? Central Park? Cafe? Cruise? The more I think about it, I don't think I'll find her anywhere... no, wait. I will find her over and over again, and she'll find someone else much more better looking. She'll be fond of my personality, then she'll give me the 'ol, "I'm not right for you, but you'll eventually find someone." speech. Why bother? I freakin' doomed!

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

...but corvidae, you have hope. I bet you'll have the same success story as my friend from Spain if you save your Default Face for when you're alone. You'll be amazed, I'm sure of it.

[Strandysmommy]

i just got caught up here with this conversation, but I will add to what many others said. I wondered, a while back if that was your pic, Corvidae...cause if it was, I was thinking "gawd, what's he moping about? He's hot!" I am not just saying that either, because I hate the pity "oh you are TOO good looking!" As for grim faces, there ARE girls out there who look past the face.

 

And to confirm the others, I have never set foot one in a club and never will because you can't talk to people there...too loud. I think the key is to find a small enough group of people that you can see on a regualr basis. But based on looks, yeah you've got no issue there. Case closed.

[Caldus]

And to confirm the others, I have never set foot one in a club and never will because you can't talk to people there...too loud.

 

Oh I know! And a ton of people smoke too. Ug gross! That's why I rarely go to clubs.

[doorik]

I was just sitting at a table, and wasn't making any effort myself and thereforeeee I wouldn't mind so much that no-one showed interest, were it not for the fact that a guy I went with sat next to me had three, that's THREE, different women come up to him. He rejected two and got the phone number of one. I ask you!!! Another guy I went with, like me, got nothing.

 

Well, a wise man once said "...confidence is a gift given by others. You can't be treated badly and feel good about yourself."

[corvidae]

On the subject of confidence, I worry that the line between confidence and self-delusion can be a bit blurry at times. I was out last night with a French chap that works in my lab. He's a nice guy, but he is 46, and, to be honest, looks more like 50. But he keeps chasing young women!! And by young I'm talking 25 here, like old enough to be his daughters. He kept telling this waitress she was very pretty. I asked him if maybe she wasn't a bit too young and pretty, and he thought I meant that she was too young in a we-won't-get-on sort of way, but, trying to be as tactful as possible, I told him I actually meant maybe she would like to be with someone equally young and attractive. Perhaps maybe etc... Ye Gods! It was embarrassing! Now here's the thing, yes he is very confident, but by God did he look like a fool. I really really don't want to behave like that.

 

Oh by the way, last night I took you good people's advice and was all smiley and tried to make eye contact with various women, but to no effect.

If someone had even just smiled, well heck I probably wouldn't have done anything, but it would have been like a drop of rain on the arid desert of my confidence. Ah well. The drought continues.