Out with the old, in with the now

[IAmFCA]

Update

 

Life with women is improving, becoming an incrementally better acquaintance to build friendships with women who are living different lives than I.

 

No word from Slush since Thursday, that's obviously not my preference but it's okay.

 

Cutie and I mutually chose not to see each other tonight

 

I guess I have a date this week but I haven't really confirmed it as I should.

 

Connected with other guys and don't even remember who / what.

 

Focusing on my own needs. That's a good thing.

[IAmFCA]

Oh I get it.

 

I am supposed to just KNOW like some freaking outer space telepathy happens between us.

 

Oh my gosh man. You live in a secret code that you think I get.

[Batya33]

 

I suppose that must be true, huh. And a few things after that.

 

May I please indulge in a little egocentric victory that I am judging about myself even as I say it?

 

Mwfn and his very photogenic gf were part of the larger group last night. She is... very photogenic. And personality was unremarkable as well. Maybe it was an off night, poor thing. I felt loved and embraced by my friends and so so so like, I love me just the way I am. And also like, I'd not want to be either one of them. Page, turned.

 

I know y'all told me this moons ago. But you know I have to go see it myself.

 

Reminds me of the Sex and the City episode where Carrie finds out Mr. Big is engaged and finds his bride to be "simple" (as opposed to her complex/dramatic self) -she quotes a line from The Way We Were to him outside the Plaza Hotel in Manhattan.

[WithLove]

I loved the dress Carrie wore in that episode as she walked away.

[Batya33]

I loved the dress Carrie wore in that episode as she walked away.

 

I have to check but I have a memory of loving it too!!

[IAmFCA]

Now I have to look up her dress too. I remember that moment!

 

I enjoyed being able to humanize her and perhaps she me by virtue of us having friends in common.

 

A nice night with the slush. Today started with a promise from Cutie to do better about seeing me and apologize about whiffing yesterday. Had he been decisive with a plan, I'd have seen him. Instead he was like, where? I just keep fading.

[IAmFCA]

I read the threads spooling out theory regarding how we interact and I am reminded -

 

Two part test:

Does it make me happy now

Does it propel me toward long term vision

 

That's all.

 

When this doesn't yield results, tweak myself closer to goal.

[IAmFCA]

Feeling good. That's all.

[IAmFCA]

So here is the irony.

 

I've been pursued and sometimes in relationship with men who date me amazingly. Plan ahead. Enjoy lavish dinners with me. Take me to distant beaches.

 

The man I am still liking is the one who goes about his life, and when it is over, asks for me to be his company at the end of the day. I like it. When he is done performing, he holds me quietly. I really like it.

[IAmFCA]

Leaving this sweet man alone. I wonder if his temp will high like mine was. Poor thing.

[IAmFCA]

Text before dawn. I'm digging it now.

[IAmFCA]

Still feeling good. I've no impetus, nothing happened. I just feel good about it.

 

I have an event this friday. I've asked cutie, not for any good reason. Slush detests the event; new candidates too unknown; Cutie has earned the honor. But I'm only digging myself in deeper. I think I can find a gentle path that prevents it from developing without having to feel like a kill joy. Dang it. Just realized I'll be in a dress; he's had a thing about seeing me in a dress.

[IAmFCA]

Interesting. I don't know what my deal is. I still feel good.

 

What is so funny about this is, I initiated a 10 pm how u text exchange, promptly answered. I asked "tomorrow night", met with silence. And yet, I am feeling good. Not just about me, but about the whole thing. I just don't understand it. Have I arrived at perspective?

 

Do you know, I seriously feel like a clarity is with me that I haven't had in YEARS. possibly, ever, in a sustained manner. I don't get it.

 

Oh well, all good. Maybe I will see him tomorrow, maybe I won't. Better for me if I don't. Plenty to do.

[IAmFCA]

Hmm

Maybe it's because I feel like I can say what I want to say and not worry about it. Not that I know how it's received, but I know enough not to worry about it.

 

Now, no answer could mean anything. Could mean he has a date. Could mean it's his day to dye his hair pink. Could mean he has to check his work calendar and doesn't feel like it. Who the frick knows.

[missmarple]

I'm confused. What's going on with Cutie? Is he the one who didn't reply to your text about tomorrow night?

[IAmFCA]

I'm confused. What's going on with Cutie? Is he the one who didn't reply to your text about tomorrow night?

 

Lol thanks for asking

 

Slush didn't reply re tomorrow (today now)

 

Cutie I haven't seen in 2+ weeks - I've had the flu - and I'll see him Friday

 

While I was home, I found he was often absent from my mind. He wants to advise me - why are you going to the early service? Go to bed soon so you get enough sleep!

 

Just not a match

[IAmFCA]

My early post re Cutie is prophetic

 

This morning's message inquired whether I got enough sleep, whether I got a project completed ...

 

Its a way of focusing on me that feels codependent, even though I don't think he is. It feels like, by focusing on me, he avoids having to reveal much about himself.

 

I don't know, maybe its just nice. I dont like it though.

[missmarple]

I think you're just not that into Cutie.

[IAmFCA]

I think you're just not that into Cutie.

 

Yes, I really am not. I am not inspired by knowing him. I am missing dynamics, leadership, more challenge. When I make plans he falls right in line. He has not been able to make a plan for a date night out once, not once. It just won't work for me.

[IAmFCA]

Just reviewed slush myers Briggs. I forget how uncommon his personality is; statistically, same rarity as mine. Useful in reminding me to keep it simple. He deals in objective data points. Dates aren't of interest. Partner's emotions and his own, not of interest. His objectives reflect his imagination; his imagination reflects a scientists mind wondering about the possibilities.

 

It's good I sent my text. He didn't deserve it, but I'm not interested in catching him where he gets hamstrung. Straightforward is better with out worry about power balance or risking his miscues later.

[IAmFCA]

Although I still think he's an idiot. It's like knowing someone who is color blind and expecting him to know the difference between green and blue. He knows there is a difference, but he can't quite see it.

 

So not an issue, if we make a deal. I can be pretty good at saying Tell me I look fabulous, and then if he will give me what I need, that is fine. It's both silly and effective.

 

Fear of failure is paralyzing, unless one can see that failure doesn't have to result in calamity.

[IAmFCA]

As soon as I wrote my mom, I received the word I had hoped to hear. Thanks mom!

[IAmFCA]

So, after some contemplation last night, I realize a few things. 1. This is pretty close to what I want in this moment. I am not sure how it will impact dating; not meaning his opinion of me dating, but rather, my own opinion of me dating. 2. He has been investing in me for a long time, for more than six months. I have been focused on how he treats me, learning to understand his language, figuring out that he is taking my measure. I have overlooked that he has been earning my trust. And, at the same time, I dare say, training me. He never, ever, lets me be in control. Oh, no, he did, once. I was allowed to invite him to lunch, as my first move after I dumped him. I get it now, I finally get it. I will not have advance notice. He sticks to the pattern, every flipping time the pattern. I am supposed to pick up on the pattern and prepare for it. I get it, and suddenly this is sexy as hell. Oh, I get it, dear readers. It is a control game of the nth degree. It is subtle and private and it represents a very very long time planning on his part. When he played his cards early, I rejected them. I didn't trust him. Its why he would advance and retreat, he was investing in a long term goal. Its the inverse of dating. Not its opposite. Any man can take me out for drinks and a meal; that is how he has treated his interim - and short-term - conquests. He used their language to attract them and slay them. With me, that language didn't work. Something piqued his interest and has began to trust me and train me to hear his language. Its the inverse of dating, but more tailored to me and therefore more personal. Not taking me out at all but investing in me all the while. 3. Today is a turning point. I don't know what happens next. I don't know what makes this sustainable. More reading...

[missmarple]

Have you talked since that text that went unanswered yesterday?

[IAmFCA]

Um. So I am finding this sexy as hell.

 

Even in high school, I have been treated to dinners out, to the pedestal treatment. I have never been comfortable with it - over decades, a process of sorting my feelings out about it. Take me to dinner, yes! Not to court me, so much as to enjoy the pleasure of my company.

 

Don't take me to dinner, weird! Am I not worth it? Do you not know that you want me on your calendar? Do you not want to show me that you value me? But you take me to lunch. When I ask you to pay, you pay. When I laugh that you could have just paid and made like it was your treat to sell me, you smile and say That's not me. I start to get it. I see that you like me, and I am again confused. Why don't you date me. You return to your habit of asking me to come over. I sit in my own chair. Over time I see that you go out and slay dragons, and ask me to be home after. I know you want my company when this happens; you are not trying to sell me or sex me. You think I get it, but I don't. I decline invitations because they are last minute. I am just not ready for it. You are frustrated, I am not getting the lesson.

 

It is dawning on me how intentional this has been. Now that I get it, I am a little floored. I sorta need a minute.