IAmFCA Posted March 28, 2016 Author Share Posted March 28, 2016 Good advice re saying nothing to Slushie. If the conversation comes full circle, my honest answer is "I knew you'd take care of it". Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 29, 2016 Author Share Posted March 29, 2016 Hitting a depression streak this morning. Why? Because I am off meds due to my own error and my docs error. Because Slushie thing got to me in my obsessive over tired brain, because I am noticing a pattern, different than the hang on too long pattern. That is, women who are making choices I don't want to make are winning the guys I think I want. Or so it seems. I am making clear my terms, not having sex, giving myself a lot of time to choose, requiring monogamy, requiring proper dating behavior. This is something that Cutie likes about me, "a lot". I can't shake the idea that Cutie is not my last guy and I am frustrated. I really am missing that mental game. Oh! That means I need to focus on my mental development. Jeez there is so much self improvement going on with me... How much capacity do I have?? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 29, 2016 Author Share Posted March 29, 2016 Ok, time to Revisit my plans and obligations Build in a meditation routine Learn language in prep for next year Church leadership just has to go. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 29, 2016 Author Share Posted March 29, 2016 Putting this out there, though I think I'm overthinking. Lately I've thought maybe I should focus further on this. This is a post about sex. Since I became sexually active centuries ago, I can recall several stretches where I went without for months on end. More likely, I had some sort of sexual relationship. I've always been highly motivated, sometimes literally primal about it. I've used my roommates, back in my 20s, as a police force on occasions when I knew there would be a man available for my consumption. I never wanted to consume people like that. Since last summer, since letting go of MWFN, I've been nearly chaste. Two sexual weekends spaced about 6 months apart. Some sexual encounters with Slushie last fall that were pleasurable but did not include sex. No desire for sex until I feel very serious about my partner. Cutie is ready and looking forward to it, he sees it as inevitable. I don't. We have kissed only. I feel good about myself and my odd-for-me asexual habit. I can feel the difference between lust and personal attraction, and I wait for the latter which is slow to show itself. Am I missing something? Is this a remnant of being hurt by my involvement with MWFN? Is it a sign of my increased ownership over myself and comfort with my high worth? Have I developed a fear tnat is cloaked as discernment? Just throwing it out there. A big change in behavior for me that I haven't talked about much on here. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 30, 2016 Author Share Posted March 30, 2016 Wow. As I am chatting with Cutie, who is absolutely focused on winning my commitment, I realize the last "new" person I had sex with was MWFN. I think indeed this is a msfn holdover. But also, a lesson. I feel like, whoever gets me physically will fail unless they have my emotional involvement. I'm not ready. That is a mind blowing discovery. Seriously? It's been a year since the break up convo. Well, okay. Saying it out loud helps make it go away. Stupid mwfn. I am so much better now, I guess I needed that experience. Aren't there better ways?! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 30, 2016 Author Share Posted March 30, 2016 Cutie talks about a certain scared sensation associated with liking me; that worries me; nobody wants to take themselves away from someone else and have it be a painful experience. Also, privately I am coaching myself to close the door on slushie; its more of the cleaning house that is necessary. Once I know I've closed that door, being friends will probably be okay. Getting comfortable with what I know from the woman he is seeing provides a great tool to do that. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 Update 1. Slushie opened up to me a bit, but the counter balance is I will be writing about him less. My wingman thinks I am handling things just right. I am not quite where I want to be; living in the now works about 80%; the other 20% is faith that I am provided with gifts as soon as I am ready to receive them, not too soon and not too late. I might write that up on my wall. 2. Date next Tuesday with New Guy, whose name I am changing to Joe. He comes highly recommended and I've already been out with him twice, six months ago. 3. Cutie is growing on me. But still feels like mr right now, not mr right. I am continuing to invest. 4. It's time I get serious about 5-10 pounds. 5. I have a party invitation coming at which I will see MWFN and his ex ex. I might be up for that. Its the new gal I am not up for, though I expect she will show up as well because she keeps his leash very very short. So, that's funny. He could be in the room with three gfs at once. I live in a small town, in many ways. This is one of them. I think I may have to stop in for kicks. 6. Never again will I underestimate the crash of no adderall, and the correction to normal life once it is back in my system. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Why wouldn't MWFN's girlfriend want to attend a party with him -how is that of the short leash variety? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 Why wouldn't MWFN's girlfriend want to attend a party with him -how is that of the short leash variety? Work event to which she would not ordinarily be invited. People go without SOs; small group; she works in an unrelated field. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 Feeling good about how things are playing out. Put up on my wall inspirational quotes to bring me perspective, strength, and peace. Feel like I have a moderated approach to things that is helping me remain both steady and engaged. (Not easy! Takes practice!) Am ready to have more intimate time with Cutie, but not sex itself (though he is ready for that). Wingman was very helpful yesterday: encouraged me to be fearless in how I present myself, rightly identified that I have had a fear of appearing too sexual. As he pointed out, it is the way im made and not a character trait; just go with what ive got. It's time to be me. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 Clarifying... The sexuality aspect is because I am somewhat endowed, not crasy, but enough that I am aware of it. For all the ranting Ive done, I had not noticed how deeply I had absorbed a sense of modesty about my shape, as if the way I'm made implies the way I am. So grateful wingman belped me see. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 Oh boy. I'm asked to be exclusive. On this site, that request usually goes with physical intimacy. We've none of that - kissing only. I like everything about how he is treating me. I feel like its normal to go exclusive, then break up if it didn't work out. I have a date with Joe early next week. I dunno... I'll see what comes of this. Link to comment
missmarple Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Oh boy. I'm asked to be exclusive. On this site, that request usually goes with physical intimacy. We've none of that - kissing only. I like everything about how he is treating me. I feel like its normal to go exclusive, then break up if it didn't work out. I have a date with Joe early next week. I dunno... I'll see what comes of this. Was it Cutie who asked? Also, for me, you don't have to sleep with someone to be exclusive with them. What are you going to do? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 Was it Cutie who asked? Also, for me, you don't have to sleep with someone to be exclusive with them. What are you going to do? Yes, it was Cutie who asked. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 Yay, lesson well learned. I held my tongue because I couldn't find anything constructive to say. He offered up the most impressive commitment to me that I recall seeing anywhere. He said, I'll respect you, respect your privacy, and trust you until my instincts tell me to do otherwise. That's exactly right. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 Last night I told my wingman I feel like I have been given what every woman is looking for, and I feel guilty for not valuing it as highly as I should. I thought I was being materialistic. He helped me see it isn't about money, rather, worldliness or something similar. I need to get him to talk more about work, hear something about that aspect of himself. I'm concerned that my attraction to him isn't sustainable, that my life experiences are broader and more authoritative or more risk embracing than his, and that somehow I will feel unsatisfied later, like I don't have a peer. I am probably right, but I've no evidence to point to. He seems to be a quick study. I am questioning my judgment. Edited to add His respect/privacy/trust pledge (that I returned) eased my discomfort. Now, I can just behave as I would have. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 It's swirling as expected at some point... Slowly. The good guy and the one who has earned it - that's the one who is choosing me. The wild card - that's an unknown that illustrates that I am still looking. The one I would like an opportunity to choose - that's the one that shows interest late, and confuses the observer. From the perspective of Cutie, he would like me to choose him, but I can't ignore my discomfort with imagining him as my H in 20 years. At the same time, I balked at exclusivity; he knows I will be respectful, and I will. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 Dang it. This is going to be attenuated and delicate. Cutie is as special on the inside as I think he is. Reminder, so am I. And it hasn't always made me someone's match. Taking this seriously, thoughtful times ahead. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 Maybe the real issue is that you know Cutie would like you to choose him so that makes him less of a challenge than Slushie -or MWFN in the past. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 Maybe the real issue is that you know Cutie would like you to choose him so that makes him less of a challenge than Slushie -or MWFN in the past. To protect against this risk I have been imagining him gone, and I would miss the presence of someone so supportive in my camp. I imagine myself with him when we are retired, and I feel my life is limited. The truth is, I am trying to decide too early. What I am feeling is the innocence of his attention in contrast to the caution of my approach. Nothing tells me what happens in time, like time. Tomorrow I see one in the morning and the other for lunch or dinner or something. I don't even know what it would be like to date Slushie. I've never done it. However, there's no way he would be as supportive as Cutie has been. I wouldn't be either. That's something for me to learn, how to be this supportive of someone else. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted April 3, 2016 Author Share Posted April 3, 2016 Good strategy! Thank you! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted April 4, 2016 Author Share Posted April 4, 2016 Cutie is flat out amazing. Doesn't mean I am choosing him. But whoever does will have a fantastic partner. I won't see him for a while due to travel. (Not mine, for once!) Danger zones: overlapping flaws. Mismatched careers. Mismatched life experiences. Potential health issues. . --- Slushie: Good friend. Stood by me when I wasn't watching and with no reward in sight. There is something there that I respect. He gets safer the longer I know him. It is crazy interesting, what is happening with me. I'm in the midst of it, so I can't see. Another foundation shift is underway. Something that tells me I am not going back. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted April 4, 2016 Author Share Posted April 4, 2016 This is necessarily opaque When I want to fix something, I am most assured success when I own up to my part in it. My part is sharing my info and assuming anonymity. By not appreciating the shrinking size of my world especially as I rise. It is time for me to shut that down. Link to comment
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