Out with the old, in with the now

[LoveSoDeep]

I'm so sorry for your loss ITIC.

 

It's always a shock.

[IAmFCA]

I'm so sorry for your loss ITIC.

 

It's always a shock.

 

Thank you.

 

I don't yet know how, but he was recently enjoying family travel, still a fireball of energy and bluster and heart. Its difficult to imagine the sudden change, with no transition period. Its out of order, it's the elimination of something that seemed immutable. Its kept me up just watching television, something to stare at.

[IAmFCA]

I need to take stock. I had forgotten about a first date I had, forgotten it altogether, and that felt disrespectful. I don't even remember his name. So here is my middle of the night, everyone is asleep as am I usually, inventory accounting: oh, the nicknames are bound to be all wrong, id they ever were assigned at all...

 

1 -3: The feller who told of his both natural and learned prowess - well, he also is an athelete and a nationally known blankety blank and a traveler and of a libidinous nature - but not for me and he negotiated for time after which he would come back around to see if my feelings changed. Which he did; they didnt, and then he popped up again today to press his point. Then he went away. There is the diplomat whom I'd forgotten. We'll let him be. There is the fellow who went to the ER. We'll let him be too. Too bad, I enjoyed his conversation. Sad, he hoped to lure me with money.

 

4.There is the man I will call Forrest, he's been everywhere, done everything. He's like James Bond. Something about him made me uncomfortable, and the poor soul thought we were one of a kind. Dropped.

 

There are several whose threads I dropped unmet, and that's okay. There is naked bum guy, who has more substance than it seemed but I am dropping him too. Which leaves me with the two I've got, Cutie and... Oh crumb. The other one. Art.

 

Cutie, wow does he have my back. I really like that. It rings a distant alarm, that such safety net treatment comes at a price. I have a habit, I notice, of discounting men who are generous with their time. I am trying not to do that. I am also wary of being protected; soon, it becomes my fault that they do that, and not their gift. I need to be able to take risks with which I am comfortable. All things in balance, I know.

 

Oh, Art. Thats his name. One meal, some texts etc. Don't know much. We both said Yes, a second date! We both have group outings on Saturday. Neither of us has made a plan. I may need to....t

 

Cutie said Tell me when you have time again. I said, no, flip that around. Remarkably, he said, You're right, and he did. So he is making a date, and it would be date #3. I feel like I am supposed to know something more by date #3. I think I had better ask him some direct questions. What are you looking for. What do you see 20 years out. What patterns are you changing versus previous relationships.

 

The next entire weekend of kid free date free calendar, with me in town, is April. If anyone thinks they are moving fast with me, the calendar will stop them whether I want it to, or not.

[IAmFCA]

More note taking

 

1. So obvi that I think differently one week out of four. So weird.

 

2. Re mwfn: I dated a mirage. Who he is underneath reflects on me anyhow. Why? Because, may be I too was a mirage. Maybe I too have been uncertain of my boundaries values and social mores. Indeed that is so. I said, I knew something watershed was happening, something like a last bath after which I would be cleansed of something. I couldn't find the lesson as I usually can.

 

It still grosses me out. I haven't yet forgiven myself my error as I thought I had. I have changed my dating behavior, organically, honestly. Never before have I had no temptation by the gifts dangled before me. I would follow, and implement a relationship ethic that made it all seem okay. Now, the relationship effort leads and the physical desire is just my truth that I keep to myself. Nobody has earned that, because I haven't chosen anyone for a relationship.

 

Maybe I needed to be slammed against the ocean floor as I was so that I could find my value. Maybe Slushie has seen the slubs in the new cloth I have been weaving and is simply keeping a seat in the bleachers of my life so he can watch me put myself together - not dissimilar to what he is doing with himself. Maybe he is the lesson I need in not seeking validation. He still stands as a more enticing partner than the men I've met, in terms of his talent and his choices.

 

3. To move on from here, I would like to wash out the last of the oil spill leftover from mwfn. Its icky. Therapy might be good, except I tend to outsmart them unless I choose well. Better: I will force myself to learn to meditate. I will wash him out by breathing in fresh air.

[IAmFCA]

Cutie learning from me how to be resourceful when traveling. Hmm, yeah. He's not going to let me go, and I'm not going to reject him, but eventually, it's just going to fall apart.

[IAmFCA]

Depressed today. I am done with death. Done with it. It took my former work colleague, and that isn't right. I'm nust, done.

 

Have hardly gotten a thing done today. Not in the mood, but no time to sit around like this.

 

Blech.

[Batya33]

So sorry to hear this!

[IAmFCA]

Thank you.

 

I was just out with girlfriends, dancing together, and I left to go home early. I want to be home, healthy, secure. Don't care to drink, stay up late, play like I've not a care in the world. I love my pals, but I need to be home.

[IAmFCA]

I went on a date with a man over the xmas season who went to hospital, went dark. He just said hello. I enjoyed his company. Thought, friends only, because we are not emotionally compatible. He suggested we may stay in touch. I hope that works, slowly, tentatively. He had a great brain, which is something I quite like.

 

I sometimes thought of Cutie and Art over the weekend, but mostly I thought of my own life and of Slushie, if anyone. It was nice not to have boys in mind, not to use the thoughts as an escape mechanism. I made sure I touched base with both, just to have good form, but otherwise, lived my life without interference.

 

I see that I move slowly in earnest now. That I am creating a selection of men whom I can get to know concurrently, whom I can study slowly over time. Slushie, I suppose he is doing the same. It's what he described early on. If I were to level jump with slushie or mwfn (bitd) or anyone else, I need to excel at my life. Achieve, grow, and also, create a boundary. Create a moat that must be crossed. I feel this is beginning to happen naturally. I feel my personal life will knit together somehow, in about nine to twelve months. Don't quite know why. Perhaps because by then, my newest self will have become instutionalized. I will have level jumped myself. I've been asked to join the leadership at my faith space, I'm leading this committee at work, I'm learning to live like a professional, to see myself as a performer.

 

I am level jumping again, in increments, learning that I am okay. That it is going to be okay.

[IAmFCA]

1. Three men texted me at PRECISELY the same time this morning. That's just, weird.

 

2. Slushie called me to ask about my dad using details he remembered, and asked me out for a cocktail after family dinner.

 

He did not use text.

[LoveSoDeep]

1. Three men texted me at PRECISELY the same time this morning. That's just, weird.

 

2. Slushie called me to ask about my dad using details he remembered, and asked me out for a cocktail after family dinner.

 

He did not use text.

 

Funny it seems to me like you said you put men from your mind a bit this weekend and look what happens they all come rushing back at you.

[IAmFCA]

Funny it seems to me like you said you put men from your mind a bit this weekend and look what happens they all come rushing back at you.

 

Its true. And how would they know? I love that about the way things work. There is just a way the world knows things.

[IAmFCA]

So, hung with Slushie the usual way. He had a dinner event but called me before so that he would know he could see me after. Then I was tied up, so didn't meet him out. Came over to his house for a glass of wine, watched a movie. Shared the couch and fell asleep until 3. Nothing sexual, peck on the lips when I left and a request to text that I'm home. It is not friend zone. It is not normal, I know. I liked it, because it felt intimate, safe, and comfortable - but not in the sweat pants kind of way.

 

That's my report out. Time, talking, watching each other... That's all it is. Which is oddly, a lot.

[IAmFCA]

I am indulging myself with this freewriting.... I don't expect anyone to read through this novel.

 

I am reflecting on my own thread. What the heck? But it felt right. Reliable and personal. The multi-year post-marriage imperfect but deep love I shared with my late friend started similarly: we shared two years of classes, we discovered our interest, we shared dinners he hosted. We had little conversation, yet shared a quiet comfort. When my mom died, I sat with him in near silence. It was one of my most healing experiences of that time. I am a very social person. I never lacked for interaction in our relationship. We talked, of course; we traveled.

 

It strikes me now: I can talk with almost anyone. I learn and connect with most everyone I meet, in passing or more intentionally. Perhaps it is the ability to be quiet that I value more.

 

When Slushie called and asked how my outing with dad was, I described to him a poignant moment. He gave me the perfect response, for me: lacking in sentimentality and assurances and full of understanding. It is what heals me best. Hearing "I am sure he knows you love him" or similar is kind and warm and helpful. Even more, what helps me deals in the facts of it, the practical. When I heard my desired sort of response from Slushie, it rang a rare bell of "Oh, this is good for me. I am comfortable here."

 

When we watched the movie at his house, we did as we often have done: Sit at opposite ends of the loveseat, with feet tucked up against the other, each of us showing connection by rubbing feet or calves while talking absent-mindedly and settling into a movie. Eventually, we get up for whatever reason and re-sort ourselves so that we are facing the same way, him in front of me and my arm in front of him. We let a couple of shows pass after the movie, as we did last night, dozing this way. At some point he will flatten out and curl me up so my head is in that shoulder/neck spot. Eventually, one of us - me, usually - stirs and I go home with a peck and a hug at the door.

 

John John's comment, "I am not a teddy bear" has been reverberating in my head in recent weeks, ever since he wrote it. I had kept my distance from Slushie, feeling that same sort of indignation. I contacted him after a break only because the events of my dad were lifetime events, something I wanted to share. Telling him felt right. I also have noticed how I have been getting stronger and more in control of myself, my path, and my boundaries. I have been less focused on whether I have heard from Slushie, how, since when, etc. (ha, unbeknownst to these pages!) I've no urge to contact him now. Last night was perfect on its own and needs no buttressing.

 

In a few weeks, I will ask him for a hike, all things being equal.

 

[Telling MWFN re dad, as I did when he called me for some unknown reason at the very time of us calling in family, felt wrong afterwards. I haven't responded to his inquiries as to dad's health since then. Perhaps unfairly so but I really don't care. I routed his emails directly to my trash folder so they will get dumped automatically. Incidentally, my dad recently spoke of a sibling, saying with love in his voice, "he's living a lie". Inner knowledge: This is the sibling of whom MWFN most reminded me. Of course it is.]

 

Vulgar language moment:

I don't know how Slushie is getting his rocks off. I sent him a text Saturday night at like, 11:45 pm, and he responded. He could be on fetlife exploring his Dom desires. He could be doing like I am and choosing the desert over the fleeting. I don't know. I know only that he regards himself as single, that he is focused on keeping his expenses low and creating a more secure foundation for himself, that he is capable (or was) of having casual sex in which case he keeps P in the V sex off limits. He will get all kinds of freaky, but not that. Either he doesn't like it, or it is reserved for more intimate encounters. With me, nothing sexual happens, I think that is a result of my own boundaries as well as his. His confidence in me has grown because he knows I am in control of my choices. He knows he turns me on. He is very much in control of himself and his nonverbal communication. He knows how he was sitting when I entered the room; in fact, he intentionally sat first, same as how I doddled, so that he could signal a seating arrangement before I chose my spot.

 

This sort of non-verbal connection is something I always have looked for, and maybe because I have struggled with emotional intimacy. Also, emotions were something we learned to manage, not indulge, in my family of origin. I never respected emotions as a reason to do something. Logic has been my leader and my comfort. This relates to my need for an extraordinary mind. It helps me trust that he knows what he is doing and why, or can figure it out as he goes along.

 

IN SUM, damn it all. There is something there for me. I think its there for him too, or he wouldn't ruin a good night's sleep like that. He wouldn't talk to me as he now does, sharing more of his vulnerable self via concerns about money, career path.

 

I can't wait for it, won't wait for it. I am enjoying where my dating life is taking me, and its making me a better person. When Slushie is ready, I need to be ready. He is a freaking bright light, seeing every little inch of who I am and how I live. Its an intimidating standard, a scary standard, and a standard I want. Crap, I see what I just said. When opportunity strikes, Slushie or otherwise, I need to be ready. LOL, okay, yeah. No other guy I have dated holds me to so high a standard as he does. I respect him more and want him more, because of it. I want to meet my own high standards before I put myself under his spotlight. This eon of getting-to-know-you is a useful delay of game while I get my ish in order.

[IAmFCA]

Cutie is texting today. He has been waiting for me to sound engaged.

 

TBH, I MADE myself engage out of respect and kindness. I didn't feel driven to it.

 

 

I wonder how I will feel and handle tomorrow night's date. I don't want to crush him. However, at this moment, I don't even want to go.

[IAmFCA]

Date will be a run. That's good for me. I really am not so stable these days. I seem it once I present, but it could take me half a day just to get out.

[IAmFCA]

Well, I am off to join the rest of the world.

 

My response to my dad affected me more deeply than I knew. I am scared. I am learning to deal with it. Rather than say to myself, I am scared, I will begin saying, I will manage. It is what he sees in me that I need to remember I already have within myself.

[IAmFCA]

Cutie and I had a fantastic date. He was patient, while I was hit the wall the afternoon and lost track of every detail, delaying us substantially. We ran, ate dinner, bought groceries. (Parents!) We kissed a bit while going from spot to spot. Yum.

 

Keeping this one.

 

I'm scared of how much I'm into you, he said. That's a good thing to be scared of, I said.

 

Well, I've got my weekend vacation planned, and that feels a little oogie now. Didn't expect that, but I'll keep on rolling. We had no discussions about exclusivity, and he said "I dont want to know!" about last weekend (when there was nothing to know anyhow).

 

I have some things I need to do. There are no reasons for this not to progress. No reasons except for my own. I haven't gone out with the other prospect, and I enjoyed meeting him very much. Slushie and I will have a chaste date in a few weeks, because I want one. I am in control here, and I need to think about that, be responsible with it.

[faraday]

So now you're meeting with slushie again....has anything changed? Has he stated intentions of exclusivity or progressing this into an actual relationship?

 

Sorry, I'm super confused...I thought you were putting him behind you...but he called and now he's back in the running, taking up headspace...

[Batya33]

So now you're meeting with slushie again....has anything changed? Has he stated intentions of exclusivity or progressing this into an actual relationship?

 

Sorry, I'm super confused...I thought you were putting him behind you...but he called and now he's back in the running, taking up headspace...

 

I have the same reaction and concern.

[IAmFCA]

I have the same reaction and concern.

 

I have this same concern too.

 

Before, he was intentional about identifying our compatibility, for telling me his views of marriage as a deep close connection. He told me explicitly that he thinks we are compatible, and that he was intent on making his professional life and personal life work for him in 2016, making changes that he wasn't ready to address when we met. He was trying to keep me around as an option to explore later, and wanting me to know that later is a finite time frame that he is addressing.

 

I don't need a man TODAY. I don't want to choose a man based on timing. I want to make the best choice for long term sustainability. This is where Slushie excels, the potential for long term sustainability. This is why he retains my interest. For these reasons, he gets an audience - unless I feel I have chosen my long-term partner.

 

I share your concerns. I am interested to see how he uses his time with me. There will be something I learn, assuming I see him. (We will let work take precedence if necessary.)

 

[Ha, for all I know he saw me out last night. I was out and about with Cutie and obviously on a date, and within a mile of Slushie's house, grocery store, and favorite local dinner spot for 6 hours.]

[Batya33]

"The potential for long term sustainability".

 

Maybe simple rule of thumb -if you need to use catch phrases/multi-syllabic words in this type of situation - a man you've known and been dating for months now - then you're probably in the throes of rationalization, to use another multisyllabic term.

 

Obviously we know it ended well in Jerry Maguire but it bears repeating, what Dorothy says: "I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is."

 

Please don't waste your time on vaguely defined potential when all it means in reality is (1) he gets the benefit of your precious free time and space; and (2) you know that it hampers you from finding someone who actually wants long term. Timing is an essential part of it. Sure, if he said he'd be ready in a month and would call you then, that's fine. But obviously he wants his cake and eat it too (and yes I know you're not having sex with him).

[IAmFCA]

As you say - has he said he is ready, or showed that he is ready? Nope. He signaled at the new year that he was trending in that direction, but that's "betting on the come" and I am not going to do that.

 

I have rebuffed his couple of invitations previously. For him to request two visits within several days of each other is unusual. I would like to see what he intends to do with my time. It is looking like work may intervene anyhow.

 

Earlier I wrote and didn't save a little self-talk about Cutie. I am emotionally and physically attracted to him. He is easy to date and to fall into; he might not be whom I would choose intentionally. As a result, I am withholding from Cutie some of the enthusiasm I felt.

 

I struggle with finding an intellectual match. Not because I am so smart, but because I have under-performed relative to my ability for most of my life, and therefore have not been in position to attract and retain someone who thinks how I think (unless he too is an under-performer). I find a great brain and his character is a mess. I find a great character and over time I devalue his decision making. I grew up with critical thinking as a core value, a top tier value. We used critical thinking every day, all day, to resolve conflict (lots of it) and understand how things work (all things - the universe, the manufacture of embossed dinner plates, the construction of a table, the titration of water through different soils, the structure of language... endless things). This is in part why Slushie has a foothold, why my man-cation partner has the privilege, and why Cutie remains in purgatory. (It is why MWFN had my attention at all; he has a fabulous brain.)

 

Crap. Cutie might be the mirror of my under-performing self; maybe through him I am forgiving myself. I keep trying to ignore this value system I have. I don't want to change it. I need to accept and embrace it, and recognize it means I may have to let go of people who are otherwise very special. New kernel for me to crunch on.

[IAmFCA]

[url="

 

Thoughtful summary of givens that warrant being challenged in relationship.

[IAmFCA]

[url="

 

Thoughtful list of five mandatory traits in relationship:

Trustworthy

Healthy Communicator

Comfortable with Intimacy

Authenticity

Sexual Compatibility

 

[url="