Out with the old, in with the now

[IAmFCA]

It is particularly challenging as of this afternoon. I don't know if it's hormonal or what. I want to sleep over at his house all of a sudden. Wth.

 

Our plan to see each other is sidelined by kids sports.

 

 

How do I do it...

 

1. I try to focus on what I want and not what other people think. Or even, what he wants. What people want is fluid, and they very rarely speak out loud their long term goal. I don't. It scares people - selves, others.

2. I try to manage my own sex life so I am not dependent on him for that. This is key. He has a models body and a poker face, and endless quiet confidence. He could be a Dom or a massage therapist with equal comfort.

3. I try to remember that choosing one long term partner is either yes or no. Being close doesn't cut it. My choices are getting really really good. Enough that it is important to remember I am going for gold, not almost gold. I must remain in control.

 

I have a funny analogy. You know when have to go to the bathroom, but there isn't one close by? And then, as you get close, it's like OH My GOSH I HAVE TO GO

 

Lol. Having Slushie get more comfortable with me is having that impact on me, right now. He is suggesting a date next weekend-ish. I have to be very careful. I will be uncomfortable if I sleep over and he has other house guests on other nights. Even if we are not sexual. Being on the second floor of his house is a trigger for me.

 

When we were first getting to know each other, he did not go out with anyone else for months. He can focus on one gal at a time and does, even the disposable ones.

 

And he is suggesting a proper date night. [itic bites finger.]

 

- edited to remind myself: he is highly unreliable with respect to his schedule. kids have an open door and he is always available to him, without limitation. Live in the moment itic!

[IAmFCA]

something to say at some point to someone else

 

i know my limitations limit my potential

true for all of us

regrettably, there will be times when my limitations limit you

how do we deal with that

 

to spark a conversation. it cant be avoided and i am ignorant/uncertain about this element of interdependence.

[IAmFCA]

Ok. My lustful moment has lost some of its power. Phew.

[IAmFCA]

 

 

From school mate to school mate, judgment of dad for not coming home when mom said. now dad and mom are apart. how did a one-sided scenario end up in child's head, or is this child's scenario and why didn't anyone help understand?

 

blame is learned.

 

what can I do

 

Are you angry at 1 or more parents for not being home?

What are some scenarios that could help us forgive, or help us understand?

How do we benefit from traveling parents? Are they part of the team?

What is the cost to you, to them?

If income can't be replaced locally, what do we do? Do we downsize? Move to where they are?

 

My own personal experience: I wasn't angry at dad for being away. I imagined his importance, the cool places he went to, the unfamiliar sights he learned to see. He shared his experience with us.

 

I was angry at him for being withdrawn and quick to anger. A completely different thing, to me as a child.

[IAmFCA]

Note to self - reliability. Use a calendar.

[IAmFCA]

What I do not want to say out loud, and I must because I have pledged to myself and asked others to pledge as well, that we will listen to that voice inside whom we deny regularly

 

What I do not say out loud is that slush has some traits that are consistent with my exH. And some that aren't, important ones. The remote nature of his character is important to study. The inability to manage calendar is as I was. I can relate. Will it ever improve? Don't know. He is going to have to get on top of it if he intends to braid as in relationship.

 

The counter action to that - yesterday I made a dip into the on line pool. I feel and am available. Slush never kept me off of it, but being reminded what it was like to live with someone who let himself get buried by kid stuff, who culdnt show when expected - I am both fluid and forgiving, and at the same time, - expectant and wanting. If it happens sometimes, no big deal. If it happens such that we don't have time, don't feel trust - that is a pattern that I do not want to again tolerate and work around.

 

However, it is not the same as committing and negating; he doesn't do that as the ex did. Also he doesn't have to fix it. I just don't like it.

[IAmFCA]

Three more men responded to me on OKC. I must have liked them some time ago. I don't even care right now. I want nothing more on my calendar. Unless its a bulls eye and I can tell its a bulls eye in his profile. Chance of that equals... 0.1% perhaps?

 

Whatever.

 

Cutie is so smart, manages himself based on whatever vibe I am giving out. I can't even remember when I saw him last. Ages it feels like. I am like, what is the point. Between us, its weeknights only until the end of May.

 

I am tired of Slushie atm, but I know that my appreciation of him is more substantive than that.

 

Maybe, mostly, I am tired of being so all over the place. Missing 4 days of work in two weeks, on top of regular travel, is a serious disruption.

 

OK, I'm out.

[Silverbirch]

You are s great writer IAL and your posts are interesting and give me a lot of food for thought.

[IAmFCA]

You are s great writer IAL and your posts are interesting and give me a lot of food for thought.

 

Did you mean IAG? Because that is certainly true of IAGS posts! If me, thank you. If not me, youre welcome here anyway. Might be a little boring for awhile, but have a drink and settle in.

[Silverbirch]

Oh sorry, no I meant you - it's just that your usernames both start with letter I. Yes she is very good writer as well. You are great, and love those names Slushie and Cutie.

[IAmFCA]

Thank you SB

 

Slush replied... he's a freaking piece of work. Keeping that middle distance alive and well.

 

Alright I'm an hour late. I think it's time to roll out, lol.

[IAmFCA]

There is energy out there now. It is time for me to relax, and do my thing, and trust in the universe. I know that sounds all woo woo. When I needed to go back to work with a newborn at home, I tried to help myself without success. I also told everyone, and a babysitter showed up and now is family to us. She was a gift. So, yes, I will help myself. And tell whomever appropriate, tell the universe: a quality guy, athelete, brain, industry, and ethics. For a long term thing. I can date, of course. But I've no need to worry about dating. More, enjoy the gifts that come my way and know that I'll see right when right shows up. I feel like i am ever more myself now. Whoever is in want of me is getting himself ready. I can relax.

 

Like running has taught me, trust in the process.

[IAmFCA]

Well, there you go. Speak your mind, get kicked out of the club. No bother, it is everyone's right to curate their world, indeed, it is the responsibility and privilege of each of us.

 

Listening to Prince all day.

 

I've messaged some folks on line.

 

I have a kid free weekend. And guess what. I am not calling Cutie to create an overnight opportunity. I don't like him enough for that.

 

It is funny. Avoiding a relationship and choosing what I want seem like the same thing. I feel like I am doing something very right, or very wrong, but a different sort of wrong than in the past. Sort of like overcorrecting. Ah yes, I am, by still thinking about wanting a rl perhaps.

 

Sigh. What I want will show up when I am ready. No amount of Cant I have it now makes that any different!

[faraday]

Who kicked you out of the club?

[IAmFCA]

New candidate on deck for next week, one in the wings. Party on Saturday. I haven't made a plan for Sunday. I don't feel like it. Maybe I can get Slushie and Cutie to hook up. Problem solved.

[IAmFCA]

1.flaws

2. Mindfulness. Think only about what I'm doing

3. Third eye. Rose, his color flowing out, my color exploding all over me

[IAmFCA]

The question I've been framing, that applies to many of us. .. often, a peak exists, it's height defined by the number of people we are willing to have sex with about whom we care very little, and beyond which we'd rather have sec wit people soon we cape highly.

 

The question is, are you nearing the peak?

[IAmFCA]

For a lot of us, there comes a point when we want to invest in the people we have sex with, or inversely, we want to have sex with people in whom we choose to invest. The more highly we value our investment, the more challenging that choice becomes.

 

I remember finding it ironic that I was, subconsciously, choosing men who weren't suitable partners. The irony of having sex only with people I viewed as disposable. What did that say about my view of my sex, that I wouldn't do that with someone worth keeping around?

 

Never in my life have I been so long without, except when I was married, as I am now. I miss it, I miss the human connection. I don't feel ready to invite someone into my home, my intimate space. That's becoming the key.

 

Which means.... this could take a while. Or not. Make it a higher priority.

____

 

Ha this ended up about me. Why? Because I turned on me so as not to turn light on anyone else. And I learned something. Am attracting the unavailable because I am suddenly viewing myself as men often view themselves. Not ready until I have everything presentable. Was never like that before. It's like a new stage of recovery again, maybe, where it isn't just recovery, but it's I can handle my business.

 

I often feel as if I am picking up threads dropped when I was depressed, because I see that now. I see that I simply became unable to function effectively.

 

The fix

1. Make it work like it is, don't have time for it now.

2. Make a list of next steps.

3. Box and stack. Label. Now, its okay to load up the storage room. You've vetted and parsed.

[IAmFCA]

Different topic

 

So obvious that I am busting through a roadblock

 

Anyway

 

What to do when someone has relinquished his or her personal power to the SO? I find it difficult to be comfortable. I find it difficult to be friends. It seems like other people can be friends in this scenario. How do they do it? Well... maybe they don't, actually. The guy friends have always kept a distance. The close gal friend has befriended the woman in power, so that now the two of them are linked in the protection of their shared territory.

 

I find it so... vulgar.

[IAmFCA]

So huh. A skill I have to learn is how to break through depressive periods. Because they suck up the little time I have remaining.

 

I think adhering to a gym schedule might help, and a low sugar diet. High sugar diet yesterday, mood crash into lethargy today. Related events.

[IAmFCA]

Reviewing my head

 

1. Me, minimally engaged today

2. Word from Cutie, new guys, special friend

3. Fun with friends

4. Still, feel that space where I just miss having that guy as a partner.

5. Notice that I am tempted by behavior I've sworn off, on the theory that, hell, I could be single for decades. It reminded me to trust my process. That most success exists just 5 yards past when people throw in the towel.

6. Stupid mwfn. An email about whether we can have contact. Such freaking drama. Dude, your chick owns you and you let it. So, whatevs. Why don't you ask her.

[IAmFCA]

Dear God,

 

Thank you. You love me. You knew I had demons picking away at me and that I needed help. And there, right there in front of me, was every answer I needed. I am forever grateful for the potpourri you created tonight. I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet.

 

I am cured. Thank you thank you thank you.

[IAmFCA]

Why am I growing up now in ways I was striving to achieve 30 years ago? Thank goodness!

[Batya33]

Why am I growing up now in ways I was striving to achieve 30 years ago? Thank goodness!

 

Because you had more important things to do - potty training, learning your ABC's, etc.

 

;-)

[IAmFCA]

Because you had more important things to do - potty training, learning your ABC's, etc.

 

;-)

 

 

 

I suppose that must be true, huh. And a few things after that.

 

May I please indulge in a little egocentric victory that I am judging about myself even as I say it?

 

Mwfn and his very photogenic gf were part of the larger group last night. She is... very photogenic. And personality was unremarkable as well. Maybe it was an off night, poor thing. I felt loved and embraced by my friends and so so so like, I love me just the way I am. And also like, I'd not want to be either one of them. Page, turned.

 

I know y'all told me this moons ago. But you know I have to go see it myself.