mindless14 Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 One of my best friends recently broke up with her bf, and the father of her kids. From the story she tells, they weren't happy, and he was basically just an . So they've been broken up for a while, but still living together because he was a stay at home dad, and has no means of getting his own place currently. He said he wants to move back to his family but they live almost 2 hours away, which would leave one of them without the kids the majority of the time. She threatened to take him to court if he moves there. Now, my friend tells me the bad things, things that happen in fights. She complains and vents frustration as we all do. However, when I'm around, I've never seen him do anything really terrible. From an outside perspective, they just aren't right for each other. So anyway, now she's started dating someone new. And her ex is still living with her. He messaged me this morning, asking my opinion. I do feel for him. I went through a similar situation and it's heartbreaking. I do think it is disrespectful to date while living with him. While talking to him, I didn't agree or disagree with either of them. She's my friend and I don't want to get involved where I shouldn't. But I kind of disagree with how she's going about this. Should I keep out of it, or be there for her ex as a friend? Because I understand what he's going through... Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 That's a messy situation and you need to stay out of it. I'd be careful even listening to the husband vent because he could misconstrue the conversation and use that against her. Just stay away and let them work it out. Actually, I would distance myself from both of them for the time being until things settle down a bit. I know you feel for the guy . .but he is a man and will need to figure out how he's going to handle this. In reality there really isn't anything you can do about it anyway. Link to comment
Clinton Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Yes, keep.out of it. Say nothing. Getting involved and taking her exes side is definitely the wrong thing to do. Talking to her ex about this is the wrong thing to do. Just stay out of it if you want to maintain the friendship Bros before Hoes and sistahs before mistahs Link to comment
mindless14 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 Well like I said, I didn't choose sides while talking to him. Just listened to him. I did tell him that she is my friend and I'm going to be there for her and will not trash talk her no matter what. He asked me not to tell her we talked. Link to comment
Clinton Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Don't be placed in that spot. If she finds out she might just go ballistic. Divorces are messy things and they often bring out the worst in otherwise good people. Get involved at your own peril. If I were you I'd cut off the back channel with the husband. Link to comment
paige1992 Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Well like I said, I didn't choose sides while talking to him. Just listened to him. I did tell him that she is my friend and I'm going to be there for her and will not trash talk her no matter what. He asked me not to tell her we talked. That's good you told him that! But I agree with everyone, it's good to help and you feel for him but it's just not your place to be in such drama.. let them both handle it themselves. Link to comment
goddess Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Another vote from me to not get involved in their drama. As much as you'd like to be there for your friend, THEY need to resolve this awkward situation. Between you and me, she is being a b**ch for dating someone while he's still living with her. Doesn't say very much about her character. Link to comment
mindless14 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 I guess I'm just feeling especially empathetic towards him because I was in a similar situation and I needed my friends. I know how much I needed someone to understand and idk where I would've been without that. But she is one of my best friends and I feel an obligation to defend her when it's brought up, even though I disagree with how she's going about this. Link to comment
jimthzz Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 If your friend's h who stays at home tending the kids were a lady people would be telling him to get a lawyer, custody of the kids, spousal and child support, and the house. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 If your friend's h who stays at home tending the kids were a lady people would be telling him to get a lawyer, custody of the kids, spousal and child support, and the house. And so he should the woman can't have it both ways. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 I guess I'm just feeling especially empathetic towards him because I was in a similar situation and I needed my friends. I know how much I needed someone to understand and idk where I would've been without that. But she is one of my best friends and I feel an obligation to defend her when it's brought up, even though I disagree with how she's going about this. You actually don't need to defend her. You can just be neutral and stay her friend ..and not be involved. Personally I can't disagree with someone and defend them at the same time. My best friend makes ridiculous decisions with her personal life and I am the first one to tell her so. I am still there for her. .only as long as she makes 'fairly' conscious healthy decisions. When she doesn't . . I distance myself until it passes. I just can't stomach the drama at times. If you feel empathy for him and want to be there for him, my guess is you will have to chose sides. . If not sides will be chosen for you. Link to comment
mindless14 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 I don't think there is any way to feel sympathetic towards him and maintain a friendship with her. I just feel bad. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 I'm sorry, but you actually have no way of knowing which of them is telling the truth OR they both could be exaggerating. And there is absolutely no way for you know, because when each of them is with you they are not going share everything that goes on in a room between just the two of them. Stay out of it altogether. You were right to tell him what you did, now keep your distance. Or you'll quite possibly be finding yourself trapped in the middle as a go-between and then later the two of them turning on you. Hand all questions back to the person in question and say things like, "What do you want? What does your lawyer say? You need to take that up with X, I have no idea." Be Switzerland, stay neutral. You don't know what is going on really, only what each of them tells you is their version of the truth. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Of course he is not going to seem that bad in your presence, and neither is she. I think instead of taking sides, you should just tell him that instead of venting to you, that you suggest counseling or talking to his gf/ex/whatever she is. Don't become the friend who takes up with the friend's ex out of sympathy. He might be talking to you knowing that it might trickle back to her. I think that you should stay out of it otherwise, but be encouraging to your female friend ("I understand you say its bad, but what are you really frustrated about? is it because he is not bringing any income in - even though he is by saving them daycare money - or is the set up stressing them out?) She made up her mind and is dating, so there might not be much convincing you can do to advise her to work it out. She is a jerk, though, for dating while he is living there and they haven't fully resolved their situation. They should be focused on the kids for the kids to be exposed to that as little as possible. Link to comment
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