Dating someone with attitude?

[Avro1986]

Hi everyone!

 

So, my ex broke up with me 3 months ago. The main reason was that we fought a lot. I got very frustrated because she was being stubborn; I would usually end up feeling guilty and apologizing. She would bluntly tell me: "You don't know what you're talking about, so I will stop talking." Ironically, when I didn't agree with her, she would get mad and say: "I can't believe you just dismissed my opinion like that!" She broke up with me when I got fed up and got really mad over the phone. Two days later, we met, and she broke up with me saying that I had scared (bad guy again).

 

Now, I am dating someone else. I am getting to like her, but I am starting to see a similar attitude. Now, no one is perfect, but I don't want to go through the same thing or jump the gun. My question is: is it childish to simply walk away? I tried to tell her in a joking manner, but that she said that she's simply a "strong and independent" woman.

 

Finally, I have been told by my family to be careful to what I say because I can come too strong. I try to be patient and explain how I feel, but I call people on their ****. For example, during the holidays, my ex cancelled a date that I had planned all day with her by cancelling my plans with family/friends. She cancelled last minute to go see her grandmother at the retirement home (which is 100% ok), but she then secretly went clubbing with her friends without calling/texting me. I found out when I called her and confronted her about it. We fought. Another time, she invited me for Christmas at her parents' house to then bring me home at 8pm and go party with her friends! Her parents were very upset about her leaving her family/boyfriend on Christmas to go drinking. She called me that night crying. I am 28, and she is 25, which is weird for her age. The worst was when she gave me **** for leaving a New Year's party earlier because I didn't feel well. Again, I was upset because you're supposed to care about the safety/well-being of your bf/gf/husband/wife, no? Anyways, my ex said that I had "anger triggers". I started seeing a psychologist to help me with a rough period of my life right now, and she said that I am a very passionate person, but I can also get angrier than most people because I had been abused emotionally by my mother during my childhood (e.g. she said that I was a mistake). The psychologist said that I have a problem trusting women because of that and need to express my feelings with "I" statements. That way, I remain calm and the person can possibly have empathy. If not, then I don't need such person.

 

I was raised by my paternal grandmother. She was a very very loving woman, but tough as iron. She always gave her shirt off her back for her family and was ready to fight to protect us, but would rarely tolerate ****. She used to tell me: "if you don't respect yourself, nobody will" Interestingly, this attitude is what kept us together during hard times. She grew up in the 30's and 40's, so as a woman, you had to be tough to deal with ***holes. So, I picked up after her. I feel that I lost my last gf because of that, and that I might lose this current girl. I remember my grandmother telling me: "better off being alone than in bad company." I still haven't found a gf like her! lol

 

You have to put water in your wine, but to the point where you're drinking 100% water! Have you ever lost a relationship because you made someone accountable for their actions/words? Thank you!

[Seraphim]

You don't have to take BS but there are ways of putting it. For example, I feel like you are disrespecting me when you lie to me about where you are .

 

I feel angry when you give me attitude and I would like to communicate better with you.

 

There are some basic rules for better communication.

 

1. Use I statements as your counselor said

 

2. Never bring up the past, only deal with the issue at hand

 

3. Communicate when both people are calm

 

4. Pick a specific time to talk when there are no other distractions

 

5. LISTEN to each other

 

6. Paraphrase in your own words what the person told you and ask them if that's what they said. ( active listening)

 

Hopefully this helps.

[Avro1986]

Thank you! I am practicing it. I want to become a better partner w/o being taken advantage of.

[alli]

Her attitude sounds kind of frustrating. I'd probably get ticked off if someone said they were going to just stop talking because I didn't know what I was talking about. Even if I didn't know what I was talking about, not the greatest attitude.

 

She said you have anger issues. Do other people close to you believe the same thing? Does your psychologist believe you need to work on better managing your anger? Maybe you guys just kind of brought out the worst in each other. Regarding your new girlfriend, I think it's natural to notice things in a partner that are similar or different from an ex. But catching a glimpse of a similar attitude every once in a while doesn't mean it will turn into the same dynamic as you had with your ex. I'd give it a chance, if your psychologist believes you are able to have a healthy relationship right now.

 

The one thing that kind of stands out to me is that you believe it is your place to make your partner accountable for their actions. This is not something that equal, loving, healthy partners do. It isn't your job. Really that's more of a parent role isn't it? I think by "accountable" you mean you initiate arguments when she does or says something you don't like? Most people won't stand for being in a relationship with someone who thinks it's their job to "put you in your place". Being mentally resilient and being on the offensive in a relationship are not the same thing.

 

Whatever your ex's role was in the disintegration of your relationship doesn't really matter. I'm sure she made a lot of poor choices, considering she left you & her family to go out drinking on Christmas night. But that doesn't even matter now. What matters is what you learned from it. Qualities to look for in a partner, qualities to avoid, and especially your own thoughts and behaviors in a relationship. I think it's really good that you are seeing a psychologist and I hope you keep doing that. But regardless of your ex's wrongdoings, you need to learn some better strategies for conflict resolution and anger management if you wish to have a healthy and non-volatile relationship in the future.

[Realitynut]

LOL...i have read TONS of relationship books. Most very indepth. But 2 very light, and easy to read, are Men are from Mars, Women from Venus. Just a fun book...but some insight. Like men always want to 'fix' the problems...women just want you to listen. Funny You Tube video on this also.....the girl with the nail in her forehead... it's NOT ABOUT THE NAIL...(it's about listening and empathy)

 

The other book is the 5 Love Languages. This book also has been around a long time. Marriage counselors and clergy suggest reading this for married people. But there is one for dating also.

 

Find them on Amazon for dirt cheap. Gives you a little insight on how women react. And how possibly you can react back to them.....

 

I have way more in depth books...but these are easy and fun to read! Plus, Especially the 5 love Languages can help you thru life with anyone....

 

Just an idea.

[Seraphim]

I agree with Alli also,the reason to have a conversation is not to put somebody in their place but to get to a place of understanding and co -operation.

[Ms Darcy]

I do get the feeling that you do have anger issues. Instead of trying to get into another relationship where the negative pattern will repeat, I suggest staying single for a while and continuing to work with your therapist on your trust issues.

[LoveSoDeep]

I think having better communication skills will help you for sure....but also you may be picking the wrong girls.

 

Being independent and strong is one thing...but these girls you have described are more than that (or less depending on how you look at it) they are selfish and disrespectful. They don't take other's feelings into account and then they excuse their actions by saying they are independent. This isn't an attitude you should put up with....but it's not one you can fix either....all you an do is choose to walk away.

[CSNY111]

Sounds like an episode of "Girls Gone Wild", and I don't even know if that legitimately a show. lol

 

 

You have every right to be concerned about these 2 women's behaviors, and they are not acceptable. This is coming from a woman, too. You sound like a good guy, OP, living in a modern age where literally... Girls have gone wild.

 

I apologize for my gender.. us "strong, independent" women, aren't really as strong and independent as we think we are. We still need a man (most of us, anyway), and we are messing that up for ourselves. Good luck to you. It's tough finding a decent woman in this day and age. And men are clueless about how to treat us, and that's our fault as well. I have a suggestion for you, but I can't post it publicly. If you ever wanna PM me, feel free to.

[Sportster2005]

Your women picker seems broken. My wild guess is, it will get better when you really get a grip on your anger. When we make positive changes, we attract more positive people.

 

Let this one go if you can't tolerate her behavior.

[Avro1986]

Hi alli,

 

Thank you for your answer. Yes, other people have noticed that. The problem is that I try to be fair and explain my feelings, some people simply dismiss them. I feel disrespect and thus get angry. That's because I used to think that I was stuck. However, my psychologist said that there is now another and better option: you can simply walk away.

 

Yes, I do try to make "people accountable" because when I was younger I was bullied at school and felt taken advantage by some family members for being passive. I was often disrespected. I don't go out of my way to do it: only when someone tries. I see what you mean. Perhaps standing up for yourself is a better statement. As for my ex: she was stubborn as hell. It's difficult to "resolve" conflict with someone who has little empathy. For example, I didn't mention it, but right before the holidays I was asked by my department to leave the PhD program because of personal conflicts with my supervisor, although I was succeeding. I was devastated. My ex became more interested in partying than spending time with me. As I said before, altough I was going through tough times, she made me feel guilty for leaving the New Year's party when I didn't feel well. We fought a lot over this. She responded: "You're not the only one who got kicked out of their PhD studies in history! It's not an excuse to be upset!" I was shocked and very angry at how callous she was. She basically used me emotionally when it suited her at the beginning of our relationship and lost interest when I started having troubles at school. I admitted my share of responsibilities to her, but she practically rejected hers. She apologized once. How can you deal with people like that? At least, with my psychologist, I feel empowered to become a better person because dating is a trial period that I can simply walk away if toxic. This should help me become a better person.