1924 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Yes, it is in fact kind of crucial you take your daughter and you both visit your wife. Prison is tough, no matter the circumstances, no matter how long or short the ride so to speak is for someone. Even if your daughter acts like it's no big deal it will be. Call the prison and find out the rules for visitation, follow whatever they tell you religiously, make sure you wife and daughter maintain that bond. Tell your daughter she can talk to you if she likes about the experience afterwards. Use it as a way to bond the family together, your wife needs that stability and your daughter needs to see your wife is okay. It will be all right. How would this bond us? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 How would this bond us? That she knows you are both going through this together. It is hard for both of you to not have your wife around. You are in it together. Also, its probably a minimum security place. If she was in for child molestation or hurting your daughter, yes, the question would be about appropriateness in visiting, but she is a teenager. Not seeing her mom for 8 months will be worse than whatever she thinks about what jail looks like in the negative. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 If daughter wants to see her mother, take her there, or she'll resent you for sheltering her while the important thing to her is to stay bonded with her Mom. If daughter doesn't want to go, then there's your answer. While wife's feelings also factor into this, she owes it to daughter to continue meeting her needs--no matter what. Link to comment
1924 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 No, by no means should an inquisitive daughter ask her mother how things are. Make sure she doesn't ask about the food either. SMH. OP, it's fine. The reality of the situation is that your wife got caught doing something illegal and is in jail. Your daughter should ask what it's like for her. Wouldn't asking these kind of questions just make things even more unpleasant? Link to comment
relevart Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Wouldn't asking these kind of questions just make things even more unpleasant? No, it would not. Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 The reality of your wife's actions and consequences is unpleasant. You can't sugar coat a jail visit. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 How would this bond us? By reminding all parties that you are still family regardless of the situation. It may not seem like it will matter now, but trust me in the future it matters. It matters a lot. At the age of 15 your daughter may not act like she cares, may not even want to go, but when she's 30 if she didn't go see your wife, her mother, when she needed some support it can haunt her. Not saying it will, but it happens a lot. Just take your daughter. It's not like in the movies where some horrible bad guys will be lurking around every corner. There's also the demystifying factor. Often times our minds will fill in information if we can't get that information from our own resources and experiences. If you don't take your daughter and the two of you don't go it will be understandable to think of and be sick from worry over all manner of terrible things. It's far better and kinder to go and see the realities of something. It'll still hurt, but not nearly as much as what the imagination can do. Your daughter is 15, even a 5-year-old can handle it though. It's not something to be swept under the rug and it's not like you daughter doesn't know about it, so by all means take away the mystery, let her see her mom, tell your wife to stay with whatever programming they give her and then come home a wiser woman for the experience. Also, I understand how apprehensive you probably are about yourself going. And that's totally fine too, but again same reasons you should take your daughter also apply to you. Everyone will be far worse off if you all stay away for eight months, thinking to spare yourself, your daughter and your wife. It won't be. Link to comment
1924 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 The reality of your wife's actions and consequences is unpleasant. You can't sugar coat a jail visit. The desire is not to sugarcoat it but make everything as less unpleasant as it can be for everyone Link to comment
relevart Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 This thread is going to last longer than your wife's incarceration if you keep this up. Link to comment
1924 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 I managed to talk to one of the main guards that works at that jail. She said that since my daughter is a teenagers it is perfectly fine to take her. She also said use it as a learning experience (what does that mean do you think), ask your wife to be honest about what happened, and to simply present it as a punishment for wrong doing. Is this a good idea? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I managed to talk to one of the main guards that works at that jail. She said that since my daughter is a teenagers it is perfectly fine to take her. She also said use it as a learning experience (what does that mean do you think), ask your wife to be honest about what happened, and to simply present it as a punishment for wrong doing. Is this a good idea? what does it mean? It could be a deterrent for your daughter to see the jail - it sometimes straightens kids up because they know the possibility that people go there is real and not just for people on tv. There are consequences for actions. teenagers think they are invincible sometimes. Link to comment
1924 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 what does it mean? It could be a deterrent for your daughter to see the jail - it sometimes straightens kids up because they know the possibility that people go there is real and not just for people on tv. There are consequences for actions. teenagers think they are invincible sometimes. Hmm but my daughter is a teenager and her mom is a 37 year old woman so I don't see how that can relate to her specifically. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Hmm but my daughter is a teenager and her mom is a 37 year old woman so I don't see how that can relate to her specifically. Really? If you break the law, you go to jail. Teenagers feel they are invincible and unless they see a friend go to jail, they only think people on tv and "other people" get in trouble or that gang members do and nice, everyday people she sees don't. It may make your daughter work harder at things, or even think twice under peer pressure to do iffy things because she knows that people DO have to pay for things they do. It absolutely relates to her as far as it influences her path and decisions in life. Its better to see mom than build up a grudge against mom while she is away, too. Link to comment
1924 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 Really? If you break the law, you go to jail. Teenagers feel they are invincible and unless they see a friend go to jail, they only think people on tv and "other people" get in trouble or that gang members do and nice, everyday people she sees don't. It may make your daughter work harder at things, or even think twice under peer pressure to do iffy things because she knows that people DO have to pay for things they do. It absolutely relates to her as far as it influences her path and decisions in life. Its better to see mom than build up a grudge against mom while she is away, too. I get what you mean but since her mom is not a teenager thus someone she can easily relate to, that the effect could be lost Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 She's still someone she loves and it's not pleasant to see people we love in unpleasant situations, even if they put themselves there. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 In reading this thread, OP, it seems that YOU are uncomfortable with taking your daughter with you to visit her mother in jail. Is that a fair statement? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 I get what you mean but since her mom is not a teenager thus someone she can easily relate to, that the effect could be lost She is her mother - and among the two closest people to her in the world. This is something that hits home. Just take your daughter to see her mother. If she cannot see her mom for six months - she might turn it into resentment against YOU if you make the decision for her and decide not to take her. Just take her. They need to keep their relationship going Link to comment
mhowe Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 If you can stall for another 7 months, the point will be moot. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 If you can stall for another 7 months, the point will be moot. Yup. This girl needs to see her mother. If mom was in jail for abusing her or for serial killing, then you would have a point to hesitate. But that's not the case. Link to comment
1924 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 I have been told I come accross as controlling when it comes to my wife and daughter. My daughter by being hesitant about visits and my wife by telling her how to act in jail. I wondered what people thought Link to comment
mhowe Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I think you know the answer and I am beginning to doubt this story. Link to comment
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