Parents don't allow me to date. Is there any way of convincing strict parents?

[maddie1]

My parents don't allow me to date, despite being a 16 year old girl. I think that most of the rules they make are unfair on me and most of the time, I feel restricted. A little background story: my parents used to hit me when I was younger when ever I went against their rules and even now, despite being 16, they still threaten to hit me for simply answering back or ignoring them after they made me mad. Many friends of mine have commented on the fact how my parents "live in another century" and how they're stuck in time. I can't go to parties and although they do allow me to have male friends, they get all worked up about. They read my text messages and I feel like they don't give me the privacy I deserve and nor the respect I feel I deserve for that matter.

 

They've said straight out they want me to date only when I turn 18, and I think that's a bit too much. My mum told me she wants me to concentrate primarily on school and my studies and that there is more than enough time for boys later on in life. She added that all boys want is sex. I get her point and I understand that she's looking out for me but I wish they could give me just a little more freedom. I see girls my age dating being able to hang out with their boyfriends whenever they want and they don't have to look over their shoulder and verify whether their parents are watching. I want to speak to them and show them that I am mature because I feel like I can handle a relationship at the moment... I just don't know how to explain it to them in the right way. I've never been comfortable talking to my parents about anything like this. I don't exactly feel like I have a strong bond with my parents but that's why I really want to convince them and become more honest and open with them.

 

I've been secretly dating a guy for about a year and a half now and he's a really nice guy. If he wasn't worth it, I wouldn't even bother going against my parent's wishes. He gets upset over this situation and I do too. He wants to meet my parents but I'm afraid. My mum found my text messages once and she got really mad. She didn't like the flirt and the fact that we would send "I love you so much" back and fourth and that we call each other "baby, love, etc." The second time she got a hold of my phone, I managed to delete the messages before she could read them but I got super nervous that my heart was pumping really fast, and she noticed it and she told me "I know you're hiding something". So technically, she still doesn't know what it is. There was a huge scandal because of that. I cried a lot that night. I wish they could meet him and understand he's not like all the other guys. I think that if I do try and convince them, the only thing that might bother them is the fact that he's 18.

 

Any help, guys?

[jimthzz]

Depending on what country/religion your family is in and believes, this could be a dangerous thing.

 

That said, I don't think you should be hiding a relationship, nor should you be hit.

 

If you have to hide what you are doing and your parents find out, they sound like the type that would assume you are being intimate with the guy.

 

If you are not being intimate, keep it that way. Worst case would be for you to get pregnant.

 

Is there a trusted female relative that you could confide in on how to deal with this?

 

If you have one, please confide in her.

 

Also, your mother may not be as harsh about it if you can approach her about it.

 

16 seems awfully young to be in a serious relationship to me. You have your whole life ahead of you for that.

[happyfrank]

I wasn't allowed to date until 18.

 

I think it was good think. Those classmates that had boyfriend girlfriend early were parents before 19. Those couples are no longer together and share child custody.

 

Focus on school. Once you have a good job. You will enjoy being in relationships without all the hassles.

[Moontiger]

I agree with Jimthzz.

 

A couple of other things:

 

1) If your parents hit you again, report it. That is abuse.

 

2) As long as you are living in their home and they are paying your expenses they are within their rights to have reasonable rule. I know not dating doesn't feel reasonable to you but it is. Once you move out you can live the life you want.

 

3) If your parents find out you are hiding things from them, they will likely restrict you even more. Children hid things, not mature adults.

 

4) Start saving money now for your own place. Do you plan on going to college? If so start looking into student loans etc as ways to pay for your school without having to reply on your parents.

[mhowe]

3) If your parents find out you are hiding things from them, they will likely restrict you even more. Children hid things, not mature adults.

 

And you have been doing it for a year and a half....proving to them that you are not as mature as you would like to believe.

[Jackyboy]

Right, so here's the deal:

 

You might not be able to convince them otherwise.

 

It seems to me like they have a major case of "Overprotective Parent Syndrome". Unfortunetly that might very well mean you simply wont be able to change their minds about it.

I'm not saying its impossible or hopeless, but it does mean that you have to dealt with the very real possiblity that wont change their minds. You simply have to love and accept them they way they are and live your live the way you need to. Us, as teenagers, (I'm sixteen too) have a right to make mistakes at our age and deserve a little leeway to discover things on our own.

 

However, sometimes we don't necessarily get that leeway. We simply have to adapted and continue on as best we can.

 

You seem like a very smart girl, and I completely believe that you should have more freedom then you currently have, but seeing as you don't have it, the only advice I can give you is this:

 

Just wing it.

 

I know it might not be the answer you are looking for, but there might not be some perfect solution that will make everyone happy. You have to do what you feel is right, and live with both the positive and negative consequences of those choices.

 

Hope this was able to help at least a little,

 

-Jack

[christwowheels]

When your parents force you to hide relationships, that would seem to me to create situations where you're more likely to end up doing things like sex because they aren't ever chaperoning your time together. At least that's what I would think.

 

Of course then you have people like my mother who made sure I didn't have much free time outside of school and home and also that I didn't have many clothes and such and I just gave up on the idea of dating until my twenties and didn't find anybody worth my time until my thirties.

 

So the bottom line to me is that what parents *should* do is understand that while high school relationships probably won't last, the best way to deal with it is to allow kids to date, keep an eye on them as best as you can, and get birth control if it seems like they're having sex or might do so.

 

As for your original question, can you convince your parents that you should be able to date...you probably can't. I would wager that they're stuck in their ways and that if they found out you were dating someone older, they would flip out even worse and perhaps even think he's a "child molester"--something another poster on here mentioned recently.

 

Lying absolutely sucks and it can harm relationships...but at the same time, sometimes if your parents are super-restrictive, it's the only way you can have any fun at all. The little moments of fun I had during middle and high school involved me having to lie to Mother (granted, my situation was particularly unhealthy and restrictive), so I won't judge you if you need to continue hiding your boyfriend for the foreseeable future.

 

One more piece of advice...get away from your family as soon as you can, because you don't want to get trapped in a restrictive situation. When high school is over, if you plan on going to college, try very hard to find one at least a couple hundred miles away. It really will be for the best.

[mhowe]

My parents didn't let me date in high school...and it never harmed me in the least.

[jimthzz]

One other thought. There is dating, then there is DATING. You would do best to pull back from this relationship with the 18-year-old.

 

Instead, concentrate on school. see if you can go on outings with friends, multiple people, not one-on-one. When you've proved you can handle that? See if your parents will allow for a one-on-one date, like to see a movie. And come back early.

 

Granting of privileges only happens with trust and proof of responsibility and restraint. keeping a BF secret doesn't do any of that.

 

Read up on teen pregnancy and on STDs.

 

Your risks are high.

[Capricorn3]

I've been secretly dating a guy for about a year and a half now

So, that means you've been dating him since age 14. That is really young and quite frankly, I can see why your parents would be concerned and "over protective". I would be too and would NOT be happy if this was my daughter. 16 is also still very young and you have tons of time to date.

If you want to gain their trust, then don't ignore them and go behind their backs with this guy.

 

My mum told me she wants me to concentrate primarily on school and my studies and that there is more than enough time for boys later on in life.

 

I totally agree with your parents. Not much more to add to that. I don't think they are being "over-protective" at all. I think it's refreshing to see parents who still take an interest in the child's well being and they are doing a good job, imo.

[Jackyboy]

Children hid things, not mature adults.

 

Actually....wouldn't you say that most divorces are caused because of adults hiding things?

 

Try not to take such a hostile tone friend! We want to help her. Not make her feel ashamed

[abitbroken]

If you want to date, are you acting responsibly and maturely? Are you getting decent grades? Are you keeping yourself in good shape physically (you don't have to be super skinny - just active and making good eating choices), Are you helpful around the house. If you become the "responsible one," people trust you with more. It could be that your parents don't see you as mature and responsible enough to take on the privilege of dating, or they are very traditional. Actually, I didn't date in my teens and actually it is better to make friends than boyfriends since you won't be so fixated on one individual person.

 

I think your hiding him could lead to other problems - not just with your folks, but if you are adamant on this one boy and he is really not a good match - you might not be willing to let go out of stubbornness.

[mhowe]

Children hid things, not mature adults.

 

Actually....wouldn't you say that most divorces are caused because of adults hiding things?

 

Try not to take such a hostile tone friend! We want to help her. Not make her feel ashamed

 

I would say divorces are precipitated by immature adults hiding things from their partners. Age doesn't make one mature. Children think hiding things makes them invisible. Hiding things, especially from ones parents --- proves to the parents that they (the child) is not mature enough to take responsibility for their own actions.

[kamurj]

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