Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 you would be able to ask him for a place to say and you would be confident that he would say yes (without needing to test him).... because that is after all what friends do ... but that isn't what this is. Not by a long shot. Yea, but friends with a romantic history does not make an easy friendship but does not mean it is impossible. If we didn't have one sure I could ask because it wouldn't be complicated. Is it really as simple as that, you can't ever be friends with an ex? Link to comment
Denguin Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Yea, but friends with a romantic history does not make an easy friendship but does not mean it is impossible. If we didn't have one sure I could ask because it wouldn't be complicated. Is it really as simple as that, you can't ever be friends with an ex? No, it's not as simple as that. But one of the defining factors is that both exes have moved on from the relationship and have zero feelings for one another. I have an ex who's a relatively close friend now. We are each other's shoulder to cry on and sometimes the ones we turn to for relationship advice. I picture and hear about her dating other guys and I have zero reaction to it. You aren't there yet, and as long as you keep clinging onto him, you never will be. Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 I can admit the reason why I chose not to be his friends 2 years back was the thought of seeing him with someone else or even hearing about it. I didn't want to be around to experience more pain when it came to him. Surely after 2 years we both matured, he is still open about his life and we live in the same neighborhood so we are bound hear things...anyway my point is I am willing to give it a try but I am scared, hence me posting this. I am scared he has no intentions of being my friend and has no care for me in that sense, scared I am just a buddy when he needs. And the reason I am confused is because we still have that bond we had before, so I am believing we can be friends. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Do you see...yes I do love him and always will until I dont. But that does not mean that I cant accept it wont work. I understand why everyone is thinking Im the ex who is trying desperately to have him back but I really am not and I have been the reason why we go for months without talking. I have made many many adjustments to cut him out and get over him. The fact that I still love him does not make me unable to be a true friend But don't you see ... you won't stop loving him until you allow yourself the time and space to do so and having sex with him isn't exactly helping either. Whether or not you truly have accepted that you can't be together, you won't stop WANTING to. NOW is not the time to be trying to build up a friendship with him. NOW is the time to put some real distance between you so you can move on from loving him especially if you have accepted that it can never be. It has been two years and you are still in love with him. You are't going to be moving on any time soon if you do all you can to bring him even closer to you. You might not be trying to desperately get him back but you are desperate to have him in your life as a friend (hence the need for a test - friends don't need to test each other - neither should they want too). And again, all the while you are hanging on to him, in whatever form, you are will never be emotionally available to anyone else. Don't you want to find love with someone else one day? True friends - and I mean that in the real sense of the word - don't have sex. They hang out together. They also turn to each other in times of trouble or just for opinions or for a good old gossip. How will you feel if he starts telling you about some girl he has fallen for? How would you be able to give him unbiased advice on his relationship should he need it? How is it going to make you feel watching them fall in love whilst your friendship gets pushed aside. So, yes, the fact that you still love him DOES mean you can't be a true friend. It is just your way of hanging on to someone you aren't prepared to let go of. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 You keep saying "we"....there is no "we". What you had is gone and you allow him to hook up 2x a year. That isn't friendship. The bond you had once is gone and he isn't staying in contact with you. Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 So, yes, the fact that you still love him DOES mean you can't be a true friend. It is just your way of hanging on to someone you aren't prepared to let go of. Ok, so he really just wants sex? Doesn't care about my life, even though he asks, doesn't care about my happiness even though he says he does. Nothing...just sex? Thats what I need to know. I have enough facts about the failed relationship. Why then does he insists of hanging out with mutual friends, or staying in contact when I am usually the one to go quiet. Why does he tell him about his life, family, work, stresses...blah blah blah, why does he drunk text me when he is depressed (which is hardly ever sexual)? Just sex? Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 FYI, I mentioned that we hook up every 6 months or so, not that we dont speak to one another in between. But maybe I am just delusional to think its innocent. Maybe Im just the easy ride. So the test would show me. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 He stays in touch with mutual friends because they are friends. "Usually the one to go quiet"....you are hanging on. And drunk texting...seriously? Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 FYI, I mentioned that we hook up every 6 months or so, not that we dont speak to one another in between. But maybe I am just delusional to think its innocent. Maybe Im just the easy ride. So the test would show me. going against the grain here ...not that I agree with my own words ...but do it darling .. you obviously need to . Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 He stays in touch with mutual friends because they are friends. "Usually the one to go quiet"....you are hanging on. And drunk texting...seriously? I meant he wants us to hang out together with friends but I usually decline. Wouldn't he have other people on his mind if he is drunk and depressed? I only person I drunk text is my best friend. Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 going against the grain here ...not that I agree with my own words ...but do it darling .. you obviously need to . Why are you saying this?? Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 FYI, I mentioned that we hook up every 6 months or so, not that we dont speak to one another in between. But maybe I am just delusional to think its innocent. Maybe Im just the easy ride. So the test would show me. But why do you need a test to show you something you already know the answer to? You're not being a good friend to him, because you have an agenda. He's not being a good friend because he continues to have sex with you knowing that you have feelings. I think you will regret staying there, but you seem determined to do it no matter what. Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 Maybe I am just trying to make it easier to ask him for a place to stay...If I didnt need one, I would still like to know, this just pushes me to find out. Yes it is an agenda, but I still need a place and what if he is chilled about it and I am being silly....I keep thinking to myself if one of my other exes should ask me for a place to stay how I would be, but then I have never ever stayed in contact with any other exes so I cant compare. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Well, here's the thing. I do think he thinks of you as a friend. A friend who he can sometimes hookup with when he's lonely and horny. The two are not exclusive to each other and to that end no, I don't think you are "just sex" to him. I think you are that friend he turns to when he hasn't got anyone else to turn to or have sex with. And that's all good and fine, many of us have that friend or are that friend at one point or another in our lives--minus the sex part of course although plenty of people do the friends with benefits thing too. That is after all what friends are, those people one can turn to to provide something one can't for oneself. But if you have deeper feelings you are opening yourself up to needless hurt and yes, hope that one day he'll feel differently. I don't think it's him flat-out rejecting you that you have to fear here. I don't think he'll do that although he might say no to the guest request just because even if there are no feelings sharing a flat with a friend has ended more friendships than gained them. It's the old saying "Fish and house guests all start to smell after a week." I'm paraphrasing that saying sure, but you get the idea. It's not a test of whether or not you're friends regardless of what he says either way to you staying with him. I would refuse any friend who asks me that, because I have been burned that way before. Plus I loves me some privacy and alone time, something my family understands, but uninvited guests who aren't surfing couches don't always. BTW I will put people up for short periods of time when they already have someplace to go and be--I.e. I put up friends who like to run with me to Santa Fe for a week of shopping and art galleries every year. They own their own home, so I have no worries they'll end up on my couch being a mooch. I think in the end this is something you are going to probably do anyways and that's fine too. Experience and life are the best teachers and all the advice in the world means nothing sometimes until you can step back and say, "oh, now I get what everyone was saying." The big thing to ask yourself and then move forward is this, can you truly, really be able to accept any and all consequences to the action of asking him this thing and to be able to deal with whatever happens rationally with no hurt feelings or upsets if it doesn't work out the way you want it to? Link to comment
JA0371 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 I would say go for it.....except for the fact that you ARE still having sex with him. So you're NOt just 'friends'. It doesn't matter if it's just every six months or once a year...you've clearly crossed that line, and it's hard, if not impossible to go backwards from that. Why don't you ask another friend or rent a room temporarily? Going through all this drama just seems exhausting. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Yea, but friends with a romantic history does not make an easy friendship but does not mean it is impossible. If we didn't have one sure I could ask because it wouldn't be complicated. Is it really as simple as that, you can't ever be friends with an ex? As Denguin said above, the defining factor for a real friendship to work is that you have BOTH moved on emotionally. You can be friends with him again one day (though he would have to want that too) but you need to have put all the past behind you along with your feelings. Generally, by that time you are indifferent to the idea. What if he were to meet a girl who didn't like the idea of an ex hanging around in the background? What if he were to drop you the moment he became seriously involved in a relationship. You be feeling left, dumped and reeling all over again. There are all sorts of problems that can transpire when ex's stay in touch, especially if one is still attached to the other and sometimes it can become more awkward than rewarding. Sometimes the best thing to do is to cut all ties and make a clean start. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Who tests their friends? If he was a friend...this wouldn't be an issue. But he is an ex you wnt let go of...fish of another color. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Why are you saying this?? well because everyone has given you some very good view points and told you from an outsiders perspective what they see , from their experiences , from what you have said , how they think it will go , what they think will happen ..it has all been said in your best interests , yet you have done a grand job of opposing it all ..which is of course the whole point of thrashing out your feelings on here . And you still came back and said that you will know , if you just do this ....and some people do need to follow their own noses ..no matter what is said ... I meant it with no disrespect .....I actually don't think you should ..but feel like you will , and so I am supporting that . Hope that makes a bit more sense . Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 Wow This really hit home thanks for this Paris. I have wondered how I would feel if he says no for whatever reason and I would imagine it to hurt like hell - harsh truth - enough for me to even see him in a different light and not want to associate myself with him in anyway, which it sounds like a lot of you thinks i should do. Then I think of it being an uncomfortable and unfair situation on his side and maybe I would feel bad if he said yes. Then also what if he says yes and its horrible, I would have a place to stay but would make our friendship awkward, then leave with a bad feeling and experience. Or, what if he says yes and I stay and we chill and I am showed that he has genuine feelings for me as someone he cares about and understands my situation and want to make me feel ok about it...I am hoping for the latter because it would be a shame to learn that the one person I cant stop caring about would rather see me on the street than try. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 You were doing fine until the last two sentences. You are placing an unfair burden on him. You will not be on the streets. And if he had "genuine feelings" for you, you never would have broken up in the first place. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 I am hoping for the latter because it would be a shame to learn that the one person I cant stop caring about would rather see me on the street than try. This the part that I think you're being unreal about. People come up with solutions all the time and it isn't actually a friend's job to give one a place to stay any more than it is that it's a friend's job to loan you something of theirs, to let you borrow their car etc. This is a standard that you have with other people that I think is going to potentially get you burned. When someone says no, it doesn't mean they don't care. It means they don't want to do something for their own reasons. And like I said I've said no to friends before simply because I did value the friendship enough to not put it under serious strain through things like loaning money, vehicles or places to stay. It might very well be the same with him. He might say no for fear of it causing problems between the two of you or maybe just because he likes to have his own space and be alone. What is to you no big deal may not be the case with him at all. You need to stop thinking of his reasons and views as being the same as yours, they aren't. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 That is rather melodramatic and doesn't really wash I'm afraid. I can't help thinking that you ex isn't your only option. OP, as much as it doesn't feel like it, we are actually in YOUR corner. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Or, what if he says yes and I stay and we chill and I am showed that he has genuine feelings for me as someone he cares about and understands my situation and want to make me feel ok about it...I am hoping for the latter because it would be a shame to learn that the one person I cant stop caring about would rather see me on the street than try. I'll take a guess that you're currently in the bargaining stage. I also understand this is not what you want to hear, but this will place you in the one step forward, and two back category, if you decide to act on this. Having said that, the cold hard truth is if he wanted to be with you, he would. Be kind to yourself... Link to comment
Denguin Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Despite all the people telling you why you shouldn't do this, you are still validating yourself over and over again. At the end of the day, we can only help someone if they allow us to - you do not fall under that category right now. Do what you have to do. Perhaps by some miracle it will work out for you (I sincerely hope it does), or perhaps you'll learn a painful lesson. We'll be here for on the other side of it either way. Best of luck. Link to comment
LC8328 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Ok, so he really just wants sex? Doesn't care about my life, even though he asks, doesn't care about my happiness even though he says he does. Nothing...just sex? Thats what I need to know. I have enough facts about the failed relationship. Why then does he insists of hanging out with mutual friends, or staying in contact when I am usually the one to go quiet. Why does he tell him about his life, family, work, stresses...blah blah blah, why does he drunk text me when he is depressed (which is hardly ever sexual)? Just sex? Oh, honey...this makes me so sad. Do you really think that asking about your life is 'proof' that you are more than sex to him? If all he has to do is ask you questions and act interested in your life in order to get no-strings-attached sex, why wouldn't he? Now you are really overthinking it - you are literally going over every action on his side and cutting it down to fit into the perfect picture you have in your head as to what he is thinking and how. Even saying that his drunk-texting you is proof because you only drunk-text your best friend... Everyone acts differently and for different reasons. Just because you do something for a particular reason, doesn't mean the rest of the world does. Surely you know that! Do not do this to yourself. On this board, on this thread, we are all different people from different walks of life, with different sets of experiences, and we are all telling you the same thing. Think about this. Respect yourself. And please take care of yourself. Link to comment
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