Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 Ok it is clear how you all feel...i appreciate each response...here's another question though now that you all have an idea of where I am in this situation, do you not think that I need to be hurt enough to make me see what you guys are all seeing? Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 I'll take a guess that you're currently in the bargaining stage. If this is true what would get me to a healthier stage? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 No. And you are going to force this guy to humiliate you. Do you need to stick your hand in a fire to understand what a burn feels like? Accept that the relationship ended and focus on your immediate priority which is finding realistic temporary housing. Link to comment
LC8328 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 I understand. You know the answer...in your head. But your heart says differently. I don't want you to be hurt. I don't think you necessarily 'need' to be hurt enough to understand. Some people - regardless of who advises them - sadly never learn what they need to and spend their whole life in their ruts. This is a situation where you cannot win, nor can he. It's a bad idea for so many reasons. You have said that if you ask him and he says no, then he is willing to see you in the street instead of help you, but this is an extreme assumption. Even for truly platonic friends, asking someone to move in (even with you paying them) is a very difficult proposal. It would be asking a lot from any friend. If you ask a friend to move in with them and they say no...it does NOT mean they don't care. I believe you are over-simplifying it: If he cares about me, he will say I can move in. If he doesn't, then he doesn't care. This is not an accurate test, and you should not put your emotions on the line for a test that, harsh as it sounds, only makes sense in your head. I personally believe you will not be happy until you truly move on from him emotionally. Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 Do you need to stick your hand in a fire to understand what a burn feels like? No because I have already learnt about fire, but a child would because they haven't. I haven't experienced this yet so you can understand my needing to test. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Why are you saying this?? I can't answer for star, of course, but I think what she's saying is that maybe you NEED to do this so that you'll get rejected and be able to move on for good. Sometimes, that's what it takes. Personally, I would NEVER ask an ex if I could stay with him for a month -- even in a "platonic" sense; I was actually in a situation where I believed a connection with an ex was SO significant that I thought that, even if we couldn't be together, we could still be friends and be "there" for each other if needed -- i.e. if something bad happened. Wrong. I sort of "tested" him -- not about anything that involved him -- in that I once tried to tell him about a problem I was having, and he was pretty cold. He pretty much just lectured me and made me feel like my feelings weren't valid. That was enough for me -- I was done. So, if you really feel you need to do this to move on, then go ahead, but...I think it could be really painful for you, and it may turn out badly. I'd say it has a pretty good chance of turning out badly. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Very thoughtful post CML. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 No. And you are going to force this guy to humiliate you. Do you need to stick your hand in a fire to understand what a burn feels like? Accept that the relationship ended and focus on your immediate priority which is finding realistic temporary housing. Yep....I think "you're going to force this guy to humiliate you" is a pretty accurate summation. I get where you're coming from -- I did something similar, in that with my last ex, I set myself up for all sorts of rejection -- I pretty much "forced" the rejection by asking things of him that I knew he wouldn't deliver -- nothing unreasonable, not for a real friend, anyway -- emotional support in a rough time. He treated me callously and coldly, and that was the last straw for me. Perhaps you need to learn the hard way, but be prepared. It is a truly awful feeling, and it may take you awhile to recover. Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 Thanks for this...tell me what do i do then, if we are clearly not and will never be friends despite all the other signs that we are...if everything i have posted made you believe that i need to move on..how do i do it then, tell him sorry i wont be talking to you dont take it personally. Admitting after all this time I still love him. Or just disappear and possibly hurt him or make him hate me or bad mouth me to our mutual friends...We live in the same area and would run into each other, what then? How do i move on from my situation? Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 So you agree that it could possibly turn me off for good and that it could be what I need? No one else seem to think so, not sure why I think it could. Probably cause I have been hurt in so many ways by him and my heart still loves him, i often feel the need to hurt it more until it gets the picture....glad to know someone else gets this Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Yep -- this "test" may not "prove" anything. Honestly, I love my friends, but I live in a very small house, with pets and breakable stuff and just enough space for me to feel cozy, and I would most likely not let a friend move in unless it was a dire emergency -- i.e. she was fleeing an abusive relationship or something. I would, however, probably offer some money to help her pay for a place to stay. Be careful of applying what YOU would do to show care for someone to what others do. I have had to learn over the years that expecting others to act as I would in a given situation is a recipe for disappointment. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 No because I have already learnt about fire, but a child would because they haven't. I haven't experienced this yet so you can understand my needing to test. No, I cant. I have never stepped in front of a moving truck, but I know that it would hurt me. You seem incapable of listening to reason. So ask him. And then find someplace to stay when he says "no". Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 So you agree that it could possibly turn me off for good and that it could be what I need? No one else seem to think so, not sure why I think it could. Probably cause I have been hurt in so many ways by him and my heart still loves him, i often feel the need to hurt it more until it gets the picture....glad to know someone else gets this I don't know. Knowing what I know, from my personal experience, I wouldn't want to go through that again, because I really feel like I compromised my dignity by allowing him to reject me yet AGAIN. I already knew the answer to my question ("Does he really care about what happens to me? Am I important to him?") before I even "tested" him, but...I told myself I needed to be "certain." The thing is, I WAS already certain -- I just didn't want to admit it. I think, on some level, I was hoping he'd act in an entirely different way than I was expecting -- and that if he did, it would prove something about his feelings for me. When he acted just as he always had, it was a tough blow for me. Eventually I moved on, but...not without a lot of despair first, particularly over the fact that I felt I had embarrassed myself by making myself vulnerable to him yet again. If you're really, really honest with yourself, you know the answer already -- you just don't want to acknowledge it out loud. People's words mean nothing if not backed by actions, and I don't believe, based on what I've read here, that ANYTHING this guy has done has indicated that he cares about you all that much. I'm sorry -- like I said, I've been there, and one of the hardest things to acknowledge is that feelings are not reciprocated and that a relationship that is so important to us is not nearly as important to the other person. Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 I get where you're coming from -- I did something similar, in that with my last ex, I set myself up for all sorts of rejection Perhaps you need to learn the hard way, but be prepared. It is a truly awful feeling, and it may take you awhile to recover. I know it will feel like death. Just thinking if hurting myself is really a solution as much as it feels like it because i huge part of me knows i will be hurt and it feels like i am itching for that pain, maybe a reason to finally hate him. Why did you do this? For this reason as well? Link to comment
LC8328 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Thanks for this...tell me what do i do then, if we are clearly not and will never be friends despite all the other signs that we are...if everything i have posted made you believe that i need to move on..how do i do it then, tell him sorry i wont be talking to you dont take it personally. Admitting after all this time I still love him. Or just disappear and possibly hurt him or make him hate me or bad mouth me to our mutual friends...We live in the same area and would run into each other, what then? How do i move on from my situation? Well, you would quit him like I quit smoking...cold turkey. 1. Yes, he would be hurt if you stopped talking to him. But REMEMBER: He hurt you first, by treating you as a FWB and by not giving you a more permanent place in your life. Remember, you have to look out for yourself...because no one else will. If that means someone else gets hurt, so be it. If he didn't want to be hurt, he shouldn't have treated you this way. 2. As far as bad-mouthing with your mutual friends...I get it. Trust me. I was with someone a very long time and when we broke up (for good), he told our mutual friends some very embarrassing half-truths about me. I was so angry, I was seeing red. I wanted to kick his butt. HOWEVER...I left it alone. It was hard. I ignored him. Eventually, he went away. Real friends would give you the benefit of the doubt. When you break up, when you move on, there's bound to be repercussions. True, they won't all be fun. But they are necessary for you - for your growth, for your emotional independence, for your happiness. 3. You don't have to tell him anything. Your relationship with him is ambiguous and he played his part in that by keeping the lines blurred. Let him take it personally. You have been through too many emotions, and where was he then? Why should you care if you hurt him by moving on with your life and attaining some self-respect? Your feelings for him - even just the feelings of respect and how much you worry about his well-being - are absolutely not mutual. It's great that you care about what he's going to feel so much, but you truly need to look out for YOU. 4. I get that running into each other would be awkward. But as time passes, you will feel less and less for him, and then he really will be just another face in the crowd - one you know and have a history with, yes, but there will come a time where you'll see him at the grocery and you won't give it a second thought. It seems impossible now, but it can and will happen. You just have to be committed to taking care of your own happiness and moving forward. Good luck hon. Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 Thanks for this Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Thanks for this...tell me what do i do then, if we are clearly not and will never be friends despite all the other signs that we are...if everything i have posted made you believe that i need to move on..how do i do it then, tell him sorry i wont be talking to you dont take it personally. Admitting after all this time I still love him. Or just disappear and possibly hurt him or make him hate me or bad mouth me to our mutual friends...We live in the same area and would run into each other, what then? How do i move on from my situation? Piecesofapril, I have to work with my ex a few days a week. His office is literally TEN feet from mine. We talk, but only on work-related subjects. We no longer talk outside of work, and when we do talk at work, it is never about anything personal. I no longer have any interest in getting back with him and haven't for a very, very long time. I did, for awhile, hope for a real friendship with him, but that's not in the cards either, so I have accepted it and now just treat him as a colleague. If I can do that, you can cut this guy off. You don't need to announce it. You can just drift away, and if he contacts you, you can either choose to ignore him OR tell him that since you are no longer together, you've made the decision that you can't be in contact with him. So what if he's mad or hurt? He made choices, one of which was to not be with you. He's an adult, and he has to accept that one of the potential consequences of breaking off a romantic relationship is that the other person will probably be gone for good. I've only broken up with one guy -- a guy I really liked but couldn't see a future with -- and when I broke up with him, I told him that someday I hoped we could be friends but I would accept it if he decided we couldn't. He tried, for awhile, to be my friend, but then he disappeared, which I also accepted. Twelve years later, he e-mailed me, and we've been in contact ever since as friends, mostly via e-mail. The thing is, I broke up with him accepting that my choice might mean not having him in my life at all. That's what adults do, so if this guy can't understand why you need to distance yourself, then he definitely doesn't have your interests at heart at all. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 I know it will feel like death. Just thinking if hurting myself is really a solution as much as it feels like it because i huge part of me knows i will be hurt and it feels like i am itching for that pain, maybe a reason to finally hate him. Why did you do this? For this reason as well? Partly, but I think some part of me also hoped against hope I'd be proven wrong. I wasn't. I was absolutely right -- he didn't care about me, at least not nearly the way I did about him. Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 Thank you for your caring and mature responses. You really got me thinking, I do care about myself, a lot. I have come a long way in these 2 years dealing with the break up and I am scared of been back in stage 1, as it was a really bad time for me. I actually recovered to a great extent and felt well enough to see him despite my feelings as they have matured into genuine care for a friend as opposed to desire for a partner. Recently I have been feeling like I am moving backwards slowly probably because of certain signs he is giving me, throwing me off balance again. I find myself in a position where I need to test this for good to decide if I should close the door forever or not. To be honest I do not want to lose him because it would feel like losing my best friend or my brother. I am honestly so over these feelings that I want something solid to stand on and most of you think that i mean i want a relationship but really in all honesty its not about that. I have lost 2 very close people in my life recently, one was by death, I know the value of the ones we love and the importance of appreciating them and caring for them. I know the fact that we had a relationship automatically throws everything else out the window but to me that is not fair at all. The failed relationship does not determine the value of someone as a person. He is still who he is and I will always want the best for him and for him to be happy. If that is dumb then thats just me. I am just battling to accept that I cant care for him because of our past and because I love him. Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 Partly, but I think some part of me also hoped against hope I'd be proven wrong. I wasn't. I was absolutely right -- he didn't care about me, at least not nearly the way I did about him. Wow, thank you for sharing Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 No one is saying that a relationship that was ended makes him less value as a person. However...friendships, like relationships, are two way streets. That take time and nurturing. And that isn't this. Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 Very wise response thank you so much! Link to comment
Piecesofapril Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 No one is saying that a relationship that was ended makes him less value as a person. However...friendships, like relationships, are two way streets. That take time and nurturing. And that isn't this. This is very true Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 I can admit the reason why I chose not to be his friends 2 years back was the thought of seeing him with someone else or even hearing about it. I didn't want to be around to experience more pain when it came to him. Surely after 2 years we both matured, he is still open about his life and we live in the same neighborhood so we are bound hear things...anyway my point is I am willing to give it a try but I am scared, hence me posting this. I am scared he has no intentions of being my friend and has no care for me in that sense, scared I am just a buddy when he needs. And the reason I am confused is because we still have that bond we had before, so I am believing we can be friends. PofApril....I am sorry you are struggling with this...I know it's hard ... But if you truly are scared he's not really your friend ... and only using you as a f-buddy....and that's why you want to do this....then just STOP having sex with him. You will find out REAL FAST how good of a "friend" he is then... And stop lying to yourself. This game you are playing to find out if he's truly a friend is bull shyt...and is gonna end up biting you in the a$$ ...trust me (and everyone posting on this thread) about that. Again...if you really want to know once and for all if he is truly your friend....just stop having sex with him...his response to that will tell you everything you need to know. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 April, you seem so sweet and sincere. I hope things end well for you... You deserve so much happiness. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.