manpta Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I am currently engaged, since November 2014. Long story short, I have no kids. She has two. No worries, I can deal with it. Or, I am learning. Anyway.... Sadly, three weeks ago we found her son in his room…attempted suicide. Luckily we got him to hospital in time and he is ok now, receiving treatment etc. Needless to say, it was a tremendously traumatic experience for everyone involved. Now, the weeks coming out of this event has been hell. I have been trying to be the best partner I can be, being there for her, taking care of other things at home or otherwise while she can focus on her son, and the like. She's not taking what happened very well, which is understandable. Extremely stressed is an understatement. The problem however is that over the last week, it really feels like there's a chasm growing between me and her, and that she is pushing me away. We used to talk regularly during the day, and send voice-notes via Whatsapp while we drive to work. That has dried up almost completely. I'll text her during the day but I usually just get some short response back nowadays. Same with the voice notes...her responses are mostly little two sentence responses. I'll sing her praises, try to build her up, make plans to spoil her a little to get her mind off things...most of the time it goes unnoticed and unanswered. Eg this morning I sent her a voice note saying tonight I'll pamper her a little with a warm candle-lit bath etc. She never responded. Not even a "thank you". Nothing. This chasm between us is also palpable at home. She doesnt want to talk, and the smallest little irritation makes her explode to the point where I'm starting to wonder if she does in fact still want me around. She has turned emotionally and physically completely switched off. At this point I am not sure if I should hang around, or leave. I really dont know. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 So basically this is the gist of your post,,,, "my (almost) step son tried to kill himself three weeks ago.... why is my fiancee so distant?" You're not very understanding. You even said the boy is "ok now." No, he's not. It's way too soon to expect him or her to be "ok now." You need to be more understanding toward both of them. This is a you problem, not a them problem. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 She is still trying to process a really horrifying event. This is going to take much longer than three weeks. Back off looking for the attention for now. Everything is not going to go back to the status quo immediately. Link to comment
manpta Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 So basically this is the gist of your post,,,, "my (almost) step son tried to kill himself three weeks ago.... why is my fiancee so distant?" You're not very understanding. You even said the boy is "ok now." No, he's not. It's way too soon to expect him or her to be "ok now." You need to be more understanding toward both of them. This is a you problem, not a them problem. Wait, dont get me wrong. He is far from ok now, I know. I meant, ok, as in "survived". He is currently receiving treatment at a facility and we visit him daily. Me and him are also close so it aint exactly an easy situation for me. I'm not as daft as to think that everything is ay-ok, but her behavior towards me is starting to worry me. Last week she said that she puts the decision with me if I want to stay or go...this was completely out of the blue. I reassured her I'm with her, want to be there, and I'll support her to the ends of the earth. At the moment, I'm doing it daily. I want her to know she is not alone, and that I am there with her, and that I love her. But, from her side her responses are cold. What do I do? Give it time? I've never dealt with anything like this, hence my question for advice? Link to comment
manpta Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 So basically this is the gist of your post,,,, "my (almost) step son tried to kill himself three weeks ago.... why is my fiancee so distant?" You're not very understanding. You even said the boy is "ok now." No, he's not. It's way too soon to expect him or her to be "ok now." You need to be more understanding toward both of them. This is a you problem, not a them problem. Wait, dont get me wrong. He is far from ok now, I know. I meant, ok, as in "survived". He is currently receiving treatment at a facility and we visit him daily. Me and him are also close so it aint exactly an easy situation for me. I'm not as daft as to think that everything is ay-ok, but her behavior towards me is starting to worry me. Last week she said that she puts the decision with me if I want to stay or go...this was completely out of the blue. I reassured her I'm with her, want to be there, and I'll support her to the ends of the earth. At the moment, I'm doing it daily. I want her to know she is not alone, and that I am there with her, and that I love her. But, from her side her responses are cold. What do I do? Give it time? I've never dealt with anything like this, hence my question for advice? Link to comment
manpta Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 She is still trying to process a really horrifying event. This is going to take much longer than three weeks. Back off looking for the attention for now. Everything is not going to go back to the status quo immediately. Thanks Victoria. It's not that I'm looking for attention, but more trying to clarify for myself what is going on, and how to deal with it. People differ, so I'm trying to put myself in her shoes, and look at the situation from her side. But I'll take your advice to heart. It makes sense. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 You definitely made it sound like in your OP you weren't sure if it was time to leave or not. This chasm between us is also palpable at home. She doesnt want to talk, and the smallest little irritation makes her explode to the point where I'm starting to wonder if she does in fact still want me around. She has turned emotionally and physically completely switched off. At this point I am not sure if I should hang around, or leave. I really dont know. Even in the following, you seem unsure of yourself and suggest that it's time for her to get over it as you complain she's "cold" to you I reassured her I'm with her, want to be there, and I'll support her to the ends of the earth. At the moment, I'm doing it daily. I want her to know she is not alone, and that I am there with her, and that I love her. But, from her side her responses are cold. What do I do? Give it time? I've never dealt with anything like this, hence my question for advice? Yes, you give it time. Much more time than three lousy weeks. This is her son you're talking about. It's a horrible time for her and for him, but you're making it about you. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Don't worry about the cutesy little conversations for now ask her how you can support her. Think about the worst possible death that could ever happen to you in your life and then ask yourself how you would like to be supported. Link to comment
Mischa234 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Her life as she knew it is suddenly changing. She's heartbroken and scared as hell. Her baby tried to kill himself and she's going to live with that realisation and guilt until he fully recovers or succeeds in his later attempts... I would follow her lead but stay very close to her physically. If she doesn't want to talk, then say little. Stick by her side physically and literally as often as possible. Obviously don't harass her if she walks away to get some space or do something, but take every opportunity you can to show support. If she's watching tv or reading in the evening, sit close to her and do a similar activity. If she gets up to run some errands or do some chores, help her or do something similar at the same time. Better yet, take opportunities to do housework or meal preparation that she would normally do and suggest to her that she go sit with her son. Doing these things gives a strong message of presence and respect for the situation. Think of ways that you can reinforce your bond without the patterns that you are used to. Obviously this incident is so major that it has shocked her out of her habits. You will need to allow recovery time, and show a great deal of patience and empathy. Be reliable and understanding and you will pull through this with her... Also understand that her son could actually potentially kill himself any day now. Or a year from now, or 10 years from now. He obviously has some serious problems that need professional intervention. I would suggest you google "suicide prevention" and "attempted suicide", try to look up stories of others in similar positions to you or others who have also attempted and gain some clues about how they recover or what the warning signs were. Educate yourself so that you can share this info with your fiancé, she will appreciate your thoughtfulness more than anything else you could do for her. Link to comment
Mischa234 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Don't worry about the cutesy little conversations for now ask her how you can support her. Think about the worst possible death that could ever happen to you in your life and then ask yourself how you would like to be supported. Think of this situation as the death of her son as she knew him. Everything has just changed, including her relationship with him and her feelings about herself as a parent/person. Link to comment
manpta Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 Thank you for this. That's the kind of advice I was looking for. Like mentioned, I've never dealt with something like this. Well, neither has she for that matter. Traumatic it definitely is, and I saw it break her as is understandable. She is extremely fragile and all I want to do is be there for her. It is difficult to not smother her or feel that I am getting in the way of her healing process, but I am trying to do my best. But thank you, I appreciate your response! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Think of this situation as the death of her son as she knew him. Everything has just changed, including her relationship with him and her feelings about herself as a parent/person. Exactly. This is a massive trauma that has shaken her to her foundation. She's doubting herself as a parent ,as a person and her relationship with her child has changed. She could still be in shock actually. And she's probably going to need counseling herself to get through this. Link to comment
happy_snapper Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Well done guys. Great job there. A guy has no idea what's going on and comes here for help. Obviously the best course of action is to shout at him and tell him he's an awful person for not knowing how to handle the situation. Link to comment
Mischa234 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 This post actually brought a tear to my eye, as I feel you all have a long and uncertain road ahead of you. I can only imagine the dread she must feel as she wonders if she can ever make him whole again and let him out of her sight. Link to comment
Mischa234 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Well done guys. Great job there. A guy has no idea what's going on and comes here for help. Obviously the best course of action is to shout at him and tell him he's an awful person for not knowing how to handle the situation. Most women expect more from men than men are naturally equipped to provide. I have 3 brothers and have learned this when it comes to anything emotionally sensitive: low expectations, low rate of disappointment. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 There's a difference between not knowing exactly what to do or how to act and asking if he should leave her. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 OP you must feel like your head is up your arse ... I can see how you have tried to do everything you can to be kind and to be loving and there for her ..and for you also to have experienced him trying to kill himself , it must of shaken you to the core as well .... you might want to pour your heart out to someone as well ...your mum or someone you can just vent for yourself as well ..you have also experienced this ..and it is shocking , so remember you are allowed to have a good cry and a hug off someone too . for her ...dear god ..I would literally be living in fear and I bet vic agrees with me ..we would be in the nut house by now ...NOTHING nothing matters to her right now ..nothing ..but her son ...her mind is so full of stuff none of us as parents want to ever feel it's bringing me to tears just thinking about it . lots of love to you all xx Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 It actually very well may be difficult for you to comprehend, you can't know what it is like to have a child until you have a child. And this is not in a judging tone, it's just the way of it. I put myself in her shoes for the sake of this post and got heart palpitations. I would be running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I would be lost. I would feel like I failed my baby. I would torture myself with question after question every day and night, what did I miss, what could I have done, how did I not see this, what went wrong. is it something that could have been prevented, how do I help him, I need to help him. My partner would be the last thing on my mind. I would be so involved in my son's care and just generally wrapped up and consumed by it, I would have very little to offer the other people or areas of my life. By the time I got around to them, yes I could definitely see myself being snappy and cold. Because I am drained, stressed beyond belief and can't expend another ounce of energy. If I felt like there were demands on me to do so...I'd distance myself. She's not thinking about you right now, and it's not personal. She's taking care of and processing a major event and trauma. And I just described how I would handle it...But not everyone does, some people rely and get closer to their loved ones, depend on them heavily. She clearly is not one of them. This is a grief like any other grief and there's no 'right' way to deal. By saying what she said, she's letting you know - She doesn't have much to offer you at this time. Take heed of that and if you have been putting any pressures on her for things to go back to the way they were, back off of it. I'm sure you feel helpless right now and unsure where you stand, but she's not, can't...think of that. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I put myself in her shoes for the sake of this post and got heart palpitations. me too cheet ,I am sat here crying like a baby . Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Yes, nothing but my child would concern me at that point. This is not something a parent could compartmentalize and have something left over for someone else. It's just not humanly possible. The most traumatizing thing a parent will ever go through is the loss of their child or the potential loss of their child. It is the number one most stressful thing a person could ever go through. It is expected to lose your parents ,your partner ,your friends ,your siblings it is not expected to lose your child. I'm not saying that losing those people is not traumatic or horrible because it is, very much so. But losing your child is a whole other different scale. Link to comment
happy_snapper Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 There's a difference between not knowing exactly what to do or how to act and asking if he should leave her. The problem is that he didn't say this: "Last week she said that she puts the decision with me if I want to stay or go...this was completely out of the blue." ...until his second post. She's the one who brought it up and he feels like she doesn't want him around. I suspect that she doesn't actually want him to leave and he doesn't want to go. My suspicion, based on nothing in particular, is that she thinks he may want to leave after what's happened and is telling him that he can go if he likes. Kind of "I can understand if you don't want to be part of this". Just a guess. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 The problem is that he didn't say this: "Last week she said that she puts the decision with me if I want to stay or go...this was completely out of the blue." ...until his second post. he actually asked in his first post if he should "stay or go." This chasm between us is also palpable at home. She doesnt want to talk, and the smallest little irritation makes her explode to the point where I'm starting to wonder if she does in fact still want me around. She has turned emotionally and physically completely switched off. At this point I am not sure if I should hang around, or leave. I really dont know. He made it all about him and how she was treating him. I'm not here to damn him, but he was asking advice and I told him how i saw it. It's a horrible situation and I feel badly for all involved, most especially the son and the mother. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 What a mess. First off, I'm sorry for what has happened to each of you. I have been there although my child did not get as far in the attempt, only to the planning stage after being bullied by a teacher. To that end I can tell you this is what your fiancee is feeling: guilt, sorrow, betrayal, rage. Lots and lots of rage at herself, the world, her child (and then comes the guilt again) and yes the world. There are going to be days when a stranger's smile will cause her to want to destroy everything and everyone within reach. None of this is rational. She is reacting from the deepest parts of her psyche. And the worst part of it is there is no enemy to take out, no outlet, no relief from what is one of the most horrifying experiences a parent can go through. And to a less intense, but nonetheless just as real degree, it's what you're going through as well. At this point love, compassion and patience are the things you need to build on. Otherwise you will find yourself leaving and running from relationship to relationship whenever dark times show up. And yes, dark times always show up. We do not live in a perfect world, no one escapes having to deal with the harsher things in life. So you may as well as face them, face them with grace and dignity, and seek help for everyone on the already capsized ship: that means her, you, and your stepson. The boy didn't just try to kill himself for no reason, something happened and to that end he needs a ton of love and stability if he's going to survive and not try this again. So once you read my words please log off of here. No one here can or is going to endorse you leaving these people right now. It would be one of the worst betrayals and one they'd never recover from. Instead get on the Internet and find a support group or a therapist who specializes in healing families dealing with a loved one who has attempted and/or succeeded in suicide. This is one of those times when just seeing any old counselor won't do. You need the person who can truly help all three of you. I'm sorry, but that's all I can tell you to do. From my experience it's what really helps when nothing else does. Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Don't listen to this person, you're doing the right thing coming here and looking for advice. It must be a very confusing time for all of you, and you must be unsure of what she wants from you because she's not giving you any indication. Realistically, it's a bit selfish of her not to realise that you two are in this together and she needs to keep you up to date with where her head is at. I wouldn't shut off my partner in a tragedy that involved him, it is a wonderful opportunity to show love and support and grow together. However, if you are not on the same wavelength as her (i.e. she is grieving a lot more than you) then it is understandable she might be distancing herself due to her overwhelming feelings. Really, you think this woman's being a bit "selfish". Do you have children? I have three and I don't even know what I'd do.or feel if one tried to kill themselves. I know one thing for dam sure, I wouldn't expect my partner to bolt after 3 weeks because I was moody and irritable and didn't want to be physical. I stand by what I said. This is one of the more selfish posts I've seen. The OP should get his head out of his rear end and step up and do anything and everything he can without complaining. Maybe he phrased himself poorly but it sure seems like it's all about his wants and needs now. Link to comment
happy_snapper Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I just think it's quite disgusting the way people on this site judge so quickly and are more than happy to attack people who are asking for help, in some cases to the point where the person will leave and not return. I read the OP as coming from a guy who has been close to a very traumatic event and doesn't know what to do. It sounded to me like his fiancée's behaviour made him think that she doesn't want him around. If he doesn't understand, then that doesn't make him a bad person, he just doesn't understand. If he thought that she wants him to go, then I think it's rational for him to wonder if he should go or not. Link to comment
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