Seasand22 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months now, it's a long distance relationship and we see each other a few times a month. He has a son who he sees regularly and as a rule I try to keep my nose out of how he manages maintanence and things involving that side of his life. He gets on with his ex who he was with for 15 years. They have been separated for 1 year now, which I think is great (that they get on). But I found out recently that they still do things as a family (which he hadnt mentioned before) things such as days out, dinners and other activities .. He failed to mention that any of these 'days out' involved her aswell which therefore led me to believe that it was just him and his son. I've expressed my feelings about this, basically saying that I don't think it's appropriate. I'm upset he hadn't mentioned it and kept it from me because I feel like there maybe more to it then he now claims... I'm aware that jealousy on my part has a big part to do with how I feel. I've never had a long distance relationship before and ours is different to my past experiences. I just wanted people's views on the situation. Has anyone found themselves in similar situations? I'm worried that something will develop between them. That being said I do trust him and he assures me that won't happen. I just feel quite uneasy about it. The whole situation is alien to me, and it's just been something that you don't do when your in a relationship with someone else (Spend time with your ex and kids and then keep it from your new partner!) I'm Getting mixed opinions on the situation which is why I'm posting on here Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 How old is the kid? Were they married...and still not divorced, just separated? Link to comment
Seasand22 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 9 and they're still married yes but live separately Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Well...then you are dating a married man. Period. And u til the divorce is final...he will be acting as such (which his lawyer has likely advised). Link to comment
WithLove Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 things like taking the child to the doctor together as a family is fine. Going to dinner, having "days out" with the ex and the child as a family doesn't sound like a separation. It sounds like a family. I think it's inappropriate and to me, he hasn't separated his family life from his separated life. I think you'd do yourself a favor by leaving. This will turn much uglier, because now you're always going to second guess him. Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I was legally separated from my ex for a long time before I finalized the divorce. I had no need to do so as I wasn't contemplating getting married again. And we tried to be civil to each other for the Kids sake. That involved some group activities. The more you can keep things civil and normal the better for the children and they should be the priority. The only concern I'd have is if he's lying to you about it. That might lead me to think that he still had feelings for her. But you say you trust him so I'd simply tell him you'd like to know what's happening in his life. That way you won't be surprised by it. And hopefully you'll be included in these activities if things work out between you. My ex, my girlfriend and my exes husband were all there for sports activities, graduations, birthdays etc after a while. Took a bit to get there but it was good. Ps I had to really be involved with a girl before I'd introduce her to my kids. Nothing worse than parading a string of girlfriends through your kids lives. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Also...you are a gf and she is an ex WIFE. If activities include school sports, school, outside activities and holidays...they are within the norm. I would guess that he doesn't think he has to run any of his activities by you. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Also...you are a gf and she is an ex WIFE. If activities include school sports, school, outside activities and holidays...they are within the norm. I would guess that he doesn't think he has to run any of his activities by you. No she is not an "ex" wife...she is still his "wife," as they are not divorced yet... OP..I would be leery. They are still legally married...and acting like a family... and until they are divorced... there is still a chance they will reconcile... if they haven't already. Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 No she is not an "ex" wife...she is still his "wife," as they are not divorced yet... OP..I would be leery. They are still legally married...and acting like a family... and until they are divorced... there is still a chance they will reconcile... if they haven't already. I'd respectfully disagree with that. Myself and a couple of my friends were legally separated for quite some time before we were divorced yet had steady girlfriends. One of the guys married his. But a legal separation can provide a formal arrangement for shared custody, expenses, child support etc. Unless you really need a divorce because you want to get married again, why pay for the expense? It doesn't mean you want to reconcile. It just means you don't want to spend where you don't need to. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I'm worried that something will develop between them. That being said I do trust him and he assures me that won't happen. This is a total contradiction. Trusting him means that you wouldn't worry something will develop between them. I personally don't think it's a bad thing for both parents to spend time with their child. Better a good relationship between all of them than a bad one. But he shouldn't be lying to you about it. How did you find out that his wife was included? Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I'd respectfully disagree with that. Myself and a couple of my friends were legally separated for quite some time before we were divorced yet had steady girlfriends. One of the guys married his. But a legal separation can provide a formal arrangement for shared custody, expenses, child support etc. Unless you really need a divorce because you want to get married again, why pay for the expense? It doesn't mean you want to reconcile. It just means you don't want to spend where you don't need to. Good for you...but every situation is different. It's also not uncommon for a couple who has separated to reconcile either.. The fact they still do things as a family would trouble me. Not to mention what's the hold up with the divorce? My boyfriend and his ex were separated and divorced within six months. I could understand if one of the parties contested, but the OP said they "get on" very well. So what's the delay? I dunno I am not telling her to dump the guy...just be leery cause anything can happen, that's all. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 No matter how you slice it, until his divorce is finalized, he's still a married man. That said it's no surprise that you're confused, simply because he's unavailable. I would remove myself from this mess, and walk away. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I give him props for remaining civil with his wife during this process. The simple truth is that they *should* do this for the kids sake for the next few years. That might mean a few dinners together, doctors visits, school plays, etc. The kid and the wife will be a part of his life for a long time and that is to be expected. If a girlfriend ever suggested I do things different with my kids and their mother (probably getting a divorce myself eventually) I'd immediately have an ex-girlfriend. It's a decision you have to make, not him. Now I would certainly suggest you asking him why he lied to you about it. It could be something simple as he did not know how you would react -- still not an acceptable reason for lying. Link to comment
charity Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 As someone who has two children with my ex I would have no issue with having family days together. It's good for the kids to see that their parents can still spend time together. They ARE family, they always will be. I can see however that this can be difficult for a new partner to stomach especially if the person does not have kids and finds it hard to understand. I personally would need my new partner to accept this. The only issue I have here is that it is quite recent since their relationship has ended and spending time together as a family within that timeframe is quite difficult, heart-wrenching to be honest, and therefore rare. OP you will have to judge for yourself if you think his motives for spending time with ex as a family are pure or if he is finding it hard to let go. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Quite recent? The OP said they have been separated for a year...I would hardly call that recent. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 OP has recently started dating him and unless she returns with more info...all else is pure speculation. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Facts: OP and this guy are long distance; He and the wife have been separated for one year; He and the wife spend a lot of time as a "family," He lied to the OP about it; Separated for a year and still no divorce... Can't speak for anyone else but the above FACTS (what OP has shared with us) are enough red flags for me to be leery...or just walk away for good. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Yeah, the guy has a wife and a girlfriend. Good for him I guess. I don't get the divorce delay either. I have kids and my divorce from my husband was final in a little over 6 months. Didn't cost much either, we used the same paralegal and the whole shebang cost us about $600 including custody agreement and court costs. Never stepped foot in a courtroom either. We did do "family" things like school clothes shopping and dropping the kids off at summer camp, but that was about it. Add in the "long-distance" factor, and you have a "separated" man who actually has a wife AND a girlfriend! OP, have you been to his home? That to me would be a good indicator whether or not this man is truly separated. Link to comment
charity Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Quite recent? The OP said they have been separated for a year...I would hardly call that recent. A year..... after 15 years together and they have a child....its a drop in the ocean and one would often still be grieving at this point. Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that them doing things as a family that big a deal. It's good for the Kids to see their parents don't hate each other. Much better than having parents who won't interact. I mean, if you have that little faith in your relationship that you're threatened by the ex, you don't have much Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 A year..... after 15 years together and they have a child....its a drop in the ocean and one would often still be grieving at this point. That is EXACTLY my point and precisely why the OP should be leery...or just walk away! Link to comment
misstee95023 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 The fact that he lied and never told you about these family outings leads me to believe there is more to this family outings. I don't see any reason he needed to lie and not tell you about this? This is not a good way to start things out. He is still married (separated) He has lied about his ex to you.. This is too much baggage for a two month relationship in my opinion. I hope you think long and hard about continuing with this man. If he can lie this early in the relationship how are you going to be able to trust him? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I can't speak to the separation thing, as my parents remained separated for years while being involved with new partners. However, when Dad came to pick us up on Friday nights he stayed for dinner that Mom cooked, or he'd take us all out. Or he'd eat with all of us, including Mom, on Sundays when dropping us off. This is when they discussed stuff about us, the house, the extended family. Dad was also invited to my Grandparents' home during holidays, as was our other Grandmother--him Mom. He attended without his SO. This went on for years until I could drive. I also had all 4 parents at my graduation. I don't believe that this is typical, but it's not unheard of. Frankly, my own private rule of thumb is not to date any man who's divorce hasn't been finalized for at least a year. Pre and post divorce are the craziest times in most peoples' lives and I don't want to get involved with anyone during that period. Link to comment
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