Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

It's never a straight line. .

I get a text from a friend to tell me S logged onto his dating account last night.

I didn't even stop to think about it, instead I called and asked S if it was so.

 

In the weeks leading up to this I didn't initiate the `where is this going?' conversation. He did. Followed with asking me if I was dating others. He asked if I was still logging onto my dating account. All of which was no. I asked him the same in return and we were on same page.

 

A couple weeks later when he stayed the night I told him I wasn't ready to have sex with him and we revisited the talk about whether we were still on still looking for the same end result.

Last weekend we have sex. Yesterday I get roses at my work

 

Last night he logs onto his dating profile and while at my mothers I get a text from a girlfriend confirming his user name and telling me that he had just been on line.

I am thrown for a loop.

The timing just down right sucks. Why not log on for several weeks, wait to have sex with someone and log on again?

 

I was calm while we talked and told him that he needs to do what's ever right for him . .but in turn I will do the same and going any further with someone who feels inclined to log onto a dating website while being intimate with me wasn't something I could do.

I apologized that I didn't say so sooner but the fact he had volunteered he wasn't logging in the first place seemed to be good enough and I trusted what he volunteered.

His reasoning was that one particular person had been persistent and he logged on to be nice and thank her but tell to her he had met someone else.

 

Makes sense but I said `surely you've received other emails, because I know I have' . . but your timing to log on to `just be nice' couldn't have been any worse.

He continued to assure me he is in this for all the right reasons and only wants to see me.

There isn't anything in his character that has given me any doubts what so ever up to until now. .Everything has added up.

I am silent, processing everything but don't have much to say in response.

He volunteers to take down his account and not only does he do so, but he deactivates it and sends me the email confirmation. He texts me after our phone conversation and tells me to check my email.

I didn't sleep well.

I hate internet dating.

[WithLove]

Ohhhh, hun.

 

I don't know what to say. I don't understand why you're having so much anxiety over this. He's doing everything right - except the timing of logging online, of course - and deactivating his account and sending you the email is very over the top, to say the least. But it still proves that he's trying to show you that he means well. Although I would think that he could just ignore this other persistent person, rather than logging back in just to tell her he met someone else. But, whatever.

 

I think the only thing you can do is give it time. I think you're just having a moment because he's the only one you've felt more than lukewarm feelings for for quite awhile, and you're realizing that he has potential. It's okay to be nervous and scared.

 

Do you think having sex was a mistake? Do you think it was too soon?

[reinventmyself]

Do you think having sex was a mistake? Do you think it was too soon?

 

No. The timing was perfect. All the boxes were checked. I took my time, asked all the right questions. .or more so, he did. He gave me every indication that is was the obvious next step. He even playfully teased me about taking my time to make the decision and I could tell he respected me for it.

I just didn't see this coming.

 

Send me roses and log onto an account that was dormant for 6 weeks to be nice to someone and tell them no? It doesn't add up.

 

If he was such a nice guy and felt inclined, why not say no to all the others before her that he didn't respond to?

I reminded him I get plenty of emails, one yesterday in fact but because of the conversation he brought up it didn't cross my mind to engage them.

After all it would go against the answer I gave him previously.

 

I can't help but think he took his profile down under duress, in the moment. I would rather he did it under better circumstances, not so as to put out a fire.

Everyone has their right to step back and reevaluate. He should as well. It might have been better if he did so before he slept with me though.

 

I am not good at waiting things like this out. I tend to kill it to get rid of the tension. Problem solved.

Just trying to sit on it. So far, today he's quiet. Not unusual though. He's not a big electronic communicator.

[WithLove]

I tend to overanalyze it til it blows up in my face and make a big deal over absolutely nothing. So at least you're way ahead of me!

[WithLove]

What do you want to do? Do you want to continue seeing him? If it was someone other than you - what advice would you give yourself?

[notalady]

The reason he gave doesn't add up. There are of course reasons to log in. Like, if he wanted to show your photos to a friend for example. Or like me, I almost re-activated my account recently to grab my chat history with J, was just being a bit nostalgic, but didn't end up doing so just in case it causes any kind of doubt or misunderstanding, even though J is unlikely to even know. Or he could've logged in to deactivate his account.

 

So there are many legitimate reasons one could decide to log into their dating account even if they are serious about you. But those are not the type of reasons he gave.

 

Personally, I wouldn't have called him out so early and just waited to see if he logs on again. If he does it for two or three times, I would ask him why he's doing so, I think it'd be easier to distinguish a lie that way.

 

But anyway, what are you going to do about it?

[reinventmyself]

I am not sure. I am processing things at the moment. As it ended last night we agreed to take our profiles down and carry on.

Now in the light of day and very little sleep I am not feeling so good about it.

I know things like this will change my behavior. If I was pretty confident and easy going before hand, I will struggle to be that way now and will come off guarded. That's no fun for anyone.

 

He asked if I was still keeping our original plan for me to come up his way tomorrow night and spend the following day together, ending with attending a Christmas party of his. In the moment I said yes. And now I am second guessing it all.

 

Between the taking down of the profiles and keeping commitments it was all under awkward circumstances. . Now we both have time to process everything.

I will see how today goes. .

I tend to have a personal policy. I will give one slip. One is a mistake and forgivable (depending on the nature of it of course)

2 mistakes is a pattern and I am out. .

[WithLove]

Do you think what he did was a mistake or just poor judgment and timing on his part?

[reinventmyself]

 

But anyway, what are you going to do about it?

 

notalday and Withlove. . .what would you do in this situation?

 

He just text now me bytheway. Forwarding 3 pictures of our hike from Sunday.

[reinventmyself]

Do you think what he did was a mistake or just poor judgment and timing on his part?

 

It feels like poor judgment and bad timing I suppose. Isn't that the same as a mistake . .Lol?

[missmarple]

Although I'm all for honesty, this is a case that I would have handled in a different way. Because, if what he told you (that he wanted to be nice, etc) was a lie, now he knows you have your suspicions and he can just hide his profile or make a new one, or make one on a different site or something like that.

Trust is vital in any relationship, of course, but when you've only known someone for a few weeks, how much can you trust him?

As for the '2 mistakes is a pattern' thing, generally, I agree with the reasoning behind it, but, when it comes to online dating, it's just too easy for someone to hide what he does.

If I were you, I wouldn't give him a second chance. His excuse is pathetic, really.

I know it's easier said than done but I would think about how I would feel if, 2 or 3 months down the line, I found out he kept dating others.

In any case, it's a difficult situation and I suggest you take some time away from him and think about it carefully.

[WithLove]

I think it would be more of a mistake if it was sort of like an accident. After J and I were exclusive, I went to delete the dating app off my phone but clicked on it by accident. So it must've showed that I went active because I started getting hits on my profile again. But S actively went into it just to message someone. So to me, it was poor judgment and especially bad timing.

 

You know me. I'm worry over it in here for days, til Faraday or someone told me to chill the f out. So I'll tell you the same. No, I don't think his reason sticks. Yes, I think he could have picked a better time to delete his profile rather than as a shotgun response to you asking him about it. But it's done. I believe that he wants to be with you. I believe he did those things to show you his intent. I think you need to try and let it go. Try and let this pass as a mistake rather than poor judgment. See how the next, say, 2 weeks go. Give yourself a short amount of time to see how you're feeling so that it doesn't seem overwhelming. When you reach 2 weeks, reflect on it and ask yourself how you feel. Then see what you want to do then.

[reinventmyself]

Although I'm all for honesty, this is a case that I would have handled in a different way. Because, if what he told you (that he wanted to be nice, etc) was a lie, now he knows you have your suspicions and he can just hide his profile or make a new one, or make one on a different site or something like that.

Trust is vital in any relationship, of course, but when you've only known someone for a few weeks, how much can you trust him?

As for the '2 mistakes is a pattern' thing, generally, I agree with the reasoning behind it, but, when it comes to online dating, it's just too easy for someone to hide what he does.

If I were you, I wouldn't give him a second chance. His excuse is pathetic, really.

I know it's easier said than done but I would think about how I would feel if, 2 or 3 months down the line, I found out he kept dating others.

In any case, it's a difficult situation and I suggest you take some time away from him and think about it carefully.

 

I agree with everything you just shared . but - what I do know is ~people are going to do what they want to do~ period.

It's my place to gather information and proceed accordingly. Whether that means stopping, starting, pulling back. It's all something I have to navigate.

 

I will tell you that I have hidden profiles on possibly every website imaginable.

I have learned the hard to way to see where these guys lurk out of the gate and what sort of history they have before I get involved.

 

If someone wants to break into your house they will.. .same thing in dating. If someone wants to see others, they will. It's pretty simple.

I can't stay on my driveway forever. The best I can do is make an informed decision and have some faith.

I just need to trust that I can handle what ever comes my way.

I have no problem pulling the plug if things get shady. I know shady when I see it.

now he knows you have your suspicions and he can just hide his profile or make a new one, or make one on a different site or something like that.

 

Of course he can. .that's his choice. The same goes for anyone else I cross paths with.

 

btw. . . I hid my profile. .He however, deactivated his.. .it doesn't exist.

But I can't live my life in fear of what if's. I can only operate off of facts.

[missmarple]

It's true that if someone wants to cheat, they will. But, usually, we aren't warned about it, so, of course, there's nothing we can do when, out of the blue, we find out someone has cheated.

In this case, though, I think what you got was a warning that something is off here. That's how I would view this incident if it had happened to me...and if this was someone I'd been with for a long time (and had given me no reason to distrust him), I wouldn't break up with him just because of this one incident. But if it was someone I'd known for less than 2 months and had just slept with for the first time, yes, I think I'd leave...key word is 'think' of course. You haven't known him for ages but you know him better than all of us here.

[reinventmyself]

It's true that if someone wants to cheat, they will. But, usually, we aren't warned about it, so, of course, there's nothing we can do when, out of the blue, we find out someone has cheated.

In this case, though, I think what you got was a warning that something is off here. That's how I would view this incident if it had happened to me...and if this was someone I'd been with for a long time (and had given me no reason to distrust him), I wouldn't break up with him just because of this one incident. But if it was someone I'd known for less than 2 months and had just slept with for the first time, yes, I think I'd leave...key word is 'think' of course. You haven't known him for ages but you know him better than all of us here.

 

Thank you MM. . wise words.

[notalady]

notalday and Withlove. . .what would you do in this situation?

 

He just text now me bytheway. Forwarding 3 pictures of our hike from Sunday.

 

I would probably take a few days away to really think about this. It's a tough one because it's a bit grey.

 

So to clarify, when you say you agreed you were on the same page, what was exactly agreed on? That you're dating exclusively and will not be seeing others? Or just that you're both not logging in or seeing other at the moment, which I see is quite different to agreeing to exclusivity.

 

The whole thing wouldn't sit well with me because the reason just doesn't make sense. Let's think about it, if he's still getting messages, deactivating or hiding the account sends the clearest message - that he's no longer looking. Instead he went in to message this person and left the account open?

 

However, I also wouldn't immediately assume bad intention (that he's looking to date others at the same time). It's very possible that, while he may only be interested in dating you exclusively at the moment, he hasn't closed off all options yet. So when he sees this person keep messaging him, he wanted to check things out and possibly being nice to her so that if things doesn't work out with you, he has a back up option. After all it hasn't been that long that you two have been dating (less than a month?) and could very well not last.

 

Now I would've been perfectly fine with keeping options open if sex wasn't involved, but not after. But given that your view about having an active profile on dating site and logging in wasn't agreed on before sex, it left room for interpretation. Now that he knows your stance regarding this, he took it down immediately, I guess that's a good thing.

 

So that's my long winded way of saying, you may want to take a few days to consider if this warrants giving him the benefit of the doubt once.

[reinventmyself]

I would probably take a few days away to really think about this. It's a tough one because it's a bit grey.

 

So to clarify, when you say you agreed you were on the same page, what was exactly agreed on? That you're dating exclusively and will not be seeing others? Or just that you're both not logging in or seeing other at the moment, which I see is quite different to agreeing to exclusivity.

 

We agreed that we were only seeing each other, that we were not interested in dating others and that neither one of us were logging onto a dating website. Both of our profiles were up but not actively logging for at least the last 5 weeks. I guess what bugs me the most if he initiated these conversations, not me. It must have been important to him. . . that's what's confusing

 

The whole thing wouldn't sit well with me because the reason just doesn't make sense. Let's think about it, if he's still getting messages, deactivating or hiding the account sends the clearest message - that he's no longer looking. Instead he went in to message this person and left the account open? Exactly

 

Though I (we) don't log onto the accounts, you can see that you have emails sent to your personal email. (outside of the website) If you are to open and read them, it activates your account and shows you active. Apparently he felt compelled to write someone back 'to tell them thank you, but he had met someone' It was after our conversation about all of this he deactivated it in good faith. .albeit `shotgun as WL put it.

 

However, I also wouldn't immediately assume bad intention (that he's looking to date others at the same time). It's very possible that, while he may only be interested in dating you exclusively at the moment, he hasn't closed off all options yet. So when he sees this person keep messaging him, he wanted to check things out and possibly being nice to her so that if things doesn't work out with you, he has a back up option. After all it hasn't been that long that you two have been dating (less than a month?) and could very well not last.

 

Now I would've been perfectly fine with keeping options open if sex wasn't involved, but not after. But given that your view about having an active profile on dating site and logging in wasn't agreed on before sex, it left room for interpretation. Now that he knows your stance regarding this, he took it down immediately, I guess that's a good thing.

 

It was agreed on that we were both no longer logging on and dating only each other. I was very direct that I do not care to engage in casual sex and it's only something I do in the confines of mutually exclusive relationship. . his response was that he wouldn't want it any other way. He wasn't rewarded at that time for having said that. I still chose not to have sex with him that night of that conversation.

 

So that's my long winded way of saying, you may want to take a few days to consider if this warrants giving him the benefit of the doubt once.

 

So now my dilemma is I wouldn't mind seeing him and getting a sense of what kind of impact this all has on things and make my decision then. However we have a 24 hour date starting tomorrow night, through Thursday that I have agreed to. I need to decide if I am keeping this date. I wish it were a 2 hr date, not a 24 hour one.

 

He just finished texting me. . I can tell he's trying.

As much as he said all the right things last night and apologized, he was also very empathetic and said he understood how I felt and he himself would feel the same he, he did say in the end. . that (in his eyes) he didn't really think saying thank you but I met someone else I really like, was a bad thing.

I guess that's open for interpretation. . for sure.

[notalady]

So now my dilemma is I wouldn't mind seeing him and getting a sense of what kind of impact this all has on things and make my decision then. However we have a 24 hour date starting tomorrow night, through Thursday that I have agreed to. I need to decide if I am keeping this date. I wish it were a 2 hr date, not a 24 hour one.

 

He just finished texting me. . I can tell he's trying.

As much as he said all the right things last night and apologized, he was also very empathetic and said he understood how I felt and he himself would feel the same he, he did say in the end. . that (in his eyes) he didn't really think saying thank you but I met someone else I really like, was a bad thing.

I guess that's open for interpretation. . for sure.

 

I would give it a bit more time. I think it bodes well that he said he understood how you felt and he would've felt the same, rather than being defensive or make light of your concerns (eg it's no big deal, you're overthinking) or explaining things in a way that only aims to appease you but not because he understands what is wrong (eg if it makes you happy, I'll deactivate the account. In other words, he doesn't agree that's the right thing to do).

 

As for the 24 hour date, if you really don't feel like it, you could just say you're not feeling well and want to postpone it? It know it's a lie but I guess kinda true too, you're not feeling all that well emotionally though not physically

[reinventmyself]

I decided to keep my date tonight with S.

He put a lot of thought into all the moving parts and had asked me to do this sometime ago. He had rsvp'd for the party two weeks ago and told his friends he was bringing me. That and every thing else he had put some thought into. I seriously considered not going and if it were something simple I might have taken the moment to step back to regain my balance.

 

I waited until I spoke with him last night and I felt by my declining to go might have been an overly dramatic move on my part.

He is continues to be consistent and working to gain or keep my trust. I feel I need to reinforce that.

 

However. . For the past two days I have been in my head so much that I don't know if I can have sex with him.

There is that part of me that feels I need to dial that back. It might be weird seeing that bell has already rung and we'll be sleeping in the same bed.

I feel that I am sort of `damned if I do', 'damned if I don't'

If I don't have sex I am in essence saying I don't trust him.

If I do I feel I may be compromising myself.

It's a fine line knowing that we are closely watching each other and for the first time seeing exactly how we behave in a challenging situation.

I am pretty sure the subject will come up again. . I will make it up as I go.

[saluk]

"If I don't have sex I am in essence saying I don't trust him."

 

You DON'T though. And it's not wrong to not yet be ready to trust him on this point. And it's OK to keep seeing someone you may not yet trust. And it's OK to think you are ready to have sex, get some new information that bothers you, and decide to go back and say maybe you aren't ready anymore.

 

Everything is OK. You have to be honest with where you are.

[reinventmyself]

"If I don't have sex I am in essence saying I don't trust him."

 

You DON'T though. And it's not wrong to not yet be ready to trust him on this point. And it's OK to keep seeing someone you may not yet trust. And it's OK to think you are ready to have sex, get some new information that bothers you, and decide to go back and say maybe you aren't ready anymore.

 

Everything is OK. You have to be honest with where you are.

 

Thanks Saluk. . I always appreciate your sound advise!

And. .that's exactly what I needed to hear at the moment.

[reinventmyself]

As mentioned, I kept my date.

We talked and I can recount all that was said. . but it's pretty predictable in light of the circumstances.

"I will, I won't, I want this, I want the same thing, so where do we go from here?"

 

But all that doesn't matter because in moments like these people often say what they think the other person wants to hear.

Not to dismiss his words but it's his actions that tell me what I need to know.

 

He thought to buy me my own bathrobe! I made comments in our early email exchanges that one of my favorite times of day is Saturday mornings, where I get to sit in my big fuzzy robe and drink coffee with a cat on my lap and not have to rush to be somewhere.

He thought I needed a big fuzzy robe when I come to his house. . . hmmm, nice.

 

One of our early dates we went to dinner and I had him try this after dinner liqueur. Apparently there is higher quality, black label version of it we tried that night.

He spent 2 days, and 4 different locations trying to find it so he could have in his home for us.

 

Aside from our 24 hour action packed day, it ended with the Xmas party at his tennis club of 25 years. He was excited to introduce me to all his friends.

The looks from the other single women that were members was pretty entertaining.

No doubt he's one of the more eligible bachelors at the club and here he is with a date.

 

Anyway. . .I can go on but you get the picture.

He flies out this morning for four days. He's got a lot a moving parts to take care of in a very short period of time, very early in the morning but he thought to text me that he missed me already.

Things are good. .I'm a little tired today. . but happy.

[WithLove]

I think his actions spoke a whole lot more than any words he could have said, Reinvent. He went through a lot of trouble for you.

 

But I would still give yourself a mental time limit to see how you're feeling. When you reach it, evaluate this relationship (?) and see how you feel.

[reinventmyself]

I think his actions spoke a whole lot more than any words he could have said, Reinvent. He went through a lot of trouble for you.

 

But I would still give yourself a mental time limit to see how you're feeling. When you reach it, evaluate this relationship (?) and see how you feel.

 

Wise words!

He's in Baja for 4 days and communication is iffy at best.

I get some space and time to be objective.

Usin' it!

Thanks WL (hang in there♥!)

[WithLove]

How's the communication going?