Another online daing journal

[WithLove]

I think you're very much aware that it's not a good idea to pick up things with your ex. But you're also aware of your own limitations and that you attract the same types of men. So, I'm hoping you find something - closure, whatever - that helps you.

[reinventmyself]

like a small child. .I want what I want. . but I can't have it. . Or better - it just doesn't exist.

 

Thank you WithLove .. you are wise beyond your years

[notalady]

So what are you going to do about M?

[reinventmyself]

So what are you going to do about M?

 

I currently have plans with him tonight and tomorrow.

I think another challenge for me is that our schedules are such that there is a huge disconnect because we don't see each other and don't talk on the phone during the week. He hates talking on the phone. We text often but for me. .as independent as I think I am it's not enough. I have tried talking to him on the phone and he's so awkward on the phone it's pretty pointless to try to so I give up.

 

Here it is Friday and the last time I actually saw him and spoke to him was last Sunday, midday. I become so detached that I'm afraid that walking away wouldn't be too difficult. Another apparent thing to me was that I was joined the ex bf for dinner and because of M's communication or lack thereof, I could have another life with a husband and children and he wouldn't know!. .

 

I don't really trust myself right now. . So I will withhold any decisions and just play close attention to how I am feeling with M given the way things have transpired.

 

I want to make sure I wouldn't end it because the ex's presence and I am concerned that this could influence me.

[reinventmyself]

""I feel bad about putting you through this. I guess I'm being selfish, but I'm not going to give up on us, unless you tell me so. We can't be the only couple that round 4 equals more, and ended up happy together! I hope I get that chance to see. I know our minds work differently, so take has much time as you need, and I will be here.""

 

The ex's response to my email. I have asked for some respectful distance.

I feel a little like a drama queen at the moment.

[notalady]

Hmm he still wants to get back together hey...why don't you just tell him outright that you never want to get back together? Or..do you?

[reinventmyself]

I have. . . not outright in those exact words, but in a round about way. . aka. not making myself clear. .cowardly and fickle all at the same time. I get that.

It's just hard to want what you had in the beginning. .and not what you got in the end.

 

I think you might understand.

 

I used the words. .`I'd rather live alone and lonely the rest of my life than to go through that again'

It's the other side of him . .`I will not ever be in the same room with you when you are like that' . . which in turn leaves the door open for him to make promises he can't keep.

 

I told him I would never ask or expect him to be anyone he's not and that part of him (controlling) is an intrical part of who he is and I accept that.

However I can't be with someone who is like that. It's not even a choice at this point. .it's like touching fire.

 

I realize everything I say is open for debate but ultimately it's my decision and his words are just that, words.

[notalady]

Haha want what you had in the beginning and not what you got in the end, how true. Sadly I do understand.

 

I think you made it clear enough that he can't be who he's not and who he is is not someone you want to be with.

 

Or at some point, you may just have to say...don't talk to me anymore, go away. Hehe

 

Yes definitely calm down and think about it first before acting on anything with M.

[reinventmyself]

Mark and I got in an argument over the weekend. It's no secret that we have had some challenges in sexual compatibility but it's been workable.. in some/ a lot of ways/at times.

 

I know better than to state things in a negative, `I don't like this' but rather `this is what I like'. In the moment it works and then the next time it goes right back to square one.

My frustration is growing and until I come up with a better way, because what I am doing at 5mo's apparently it isn't working, I've grown quiet. Saying the same thing over and over will come off negative or nagging and I've seen flickers of his insecurity about it already. So for the last few weeks I am not saying anything. He is picking up on that fact that I am beginning to not get much out of it and it's becoming one sided. I feel like I am in a 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' position.

 

He confronted me about it the other night and insisted I hadn't been sharing with him. I recounted the times I had . and also shared with him it worked great in the moment but it didn't seem to stick and I was at a loss to do. I was torn between trying to protect his feelings and trying to honor my needs and honestly kind a stuck about it.

So . . we had sex. .square one. . him insisting that I ask for things and him barking at me to speak up which was upsetting as it felt as if he was taking his frustrations out on me.

After a shower I came back to bed and he was cold and shut down. I got up and got dressed and left.

 

Yesterday he didn't want to talk about it. I have learned this about him . . when he is upset he needs to shut down and needs space. I respect that and I can be that way myself at times.

As the day wore on and turned down a couple invitations for the two of us and make alternate plans on my own I felt hurt and confused. Instead of leaving him be, I wanted to share with him as much as I wanted to respect his need for space but at the same we don't have the luxury of time. . he's not good about talking on the phone so based on our current schedules we probably wouldn't have a face to face for a week. This may be good for him but for me. . I felt it would take it's toll on our relationship. There are two of us here, he is not alone in being upset and talking about things like this are on his terms, period. No surprise the conversation didn't go well. Lesson learned.

 

I went ahead and made my own plans for the afternoon and after my friends tagged me on FB out golfing . . . he starts initiating texting with cute little stickers.. .Now he reaches out. . Grrrrr. Only hours before he was shut down, hostile and hustled me off the phone.

 

I don't know how to fix this. . . and I try to understand how this makes him feel as a man. At one point he insisted he didn't know or didn't hear (huh?!!), but I shared with him if he shared with me something he liked or preferred in bed, I would recite it memory.

 

Add to this his I am learning his aggressive/conflict style is really immature. . tossing around .. 'If I am so bad to you, then why don't you leave?' (pretty sure I didn't say that ).

Using terms, like `always' 'every time' and even used the term that I was `butt hurt' when I left. I cautioned him that he didn't need to speak disrespectfully to get my attention. . That I would always deal with him respectfully and not use derogatory terms which seems to be an automatic go-to for him. Part of this was provoked by his not be ready to talk about it. .

But, , , he could have used mature words rather than using shock value to get his point accross .. I also told him I was really surprised because from where I stand topics like this should be dealt with respect and sensitivity. To go `there'. . getting ugly was making a challenging situation worse.

 

Uhg. . I don't know where we stand today or if this is repairable. . Limbo isn't a good place for me.

[WithLove]

When Tyler and I had that mishap in the bedroom, it would have been a week til we saw each other, too. I knew in that time period, I'd let it fester til there would likely be no reparation.

 

I don't know. Sexual incompatibility is one of the main reasons I ended it with him. Sometimes you can't just pretend that it's working. You'd be doing him and yourself a disservice. And he's very blatantly not caring about how you feel as a woman; even though he insists on you telling him, he's not taking in the info in a constructive way at all. He's actually being very childish about it.

 

I understand when he feels like he needs to shut down. But you just can't do that when you're in a relationship with someone. Open lines of communication are a must.

[reinventmyself]

A lot of what you say is spot on! .. But I know him to be a little self less and pleasing me is really important to him. That's why I am stumped.

It's not right or wrong, just our individual ways are sooo different. I am just stumped as to why he isn't hearing me. What I do know it's - not because he doesn't care.

 

So. . after I just finished that lengthy posting. . he's text apologizing knowing `he hurt us'

 

Now I am the one who needs space to think about. .easy enough . .because the opportunity to talk . . .was yesterday. Hmmmph

I am not sure what bugs me more . .,the sex mishap or his conflict style. .

 

I am guilty of wondering if this has anything to do with the ex's presence.. . Am I putting this to the stress test and making comparisons?

[WithLove]

Whether the ex is there or not, it doesn't change his communication style (or lack thereof). It also doesn't change how he treats you and your needs in the bedroom.

 

I agree. The time to talk was yesterday. And now you need time of your own. He's going to have to respect that. Or not, and you'll have a decision to make.

[reinventmyself]

Whether the ex is there or not, it doesn't change his communication style (or lack thereof). It also doesn't change how he treats you and your needs in the bedroom.

 

I agree. The time to talk was yesterday. And now you need time of your own. He's going to have to respect that. Or not, and you'll have a decision to make.

 

you're right. . I took today off and I am cleaning closets. . lots of thinking time

[WithLove]

I feel like.... you're keeping him around because he's a generally good guy and tries really hard, and you know he cares.... but you also know he's not the right guy for you.

 

You're a gorgeous woman with lots of good qualities that any man would be lucky to date. I think you're selling yourself short by staying with someone that has started to undermine your own ability to voice what you really want and need in this relationship.

[reinventmyself]

I think you're selling yourself short by staying with someone that has started to undermine your own ability to voice what you really want and need in this relationship.

 

well now, that would be the case in all my relationships. .I can speak up. . but I am can be inconsistent and at times, too late

[WithLove]

Better start talking, then!

[reinventmyself]

to be fair, this is my side of the story. To hear the pain in his voice sharing how he can't seem to get it right and sensing I am not happy with our sex life makes me sad for him.

[reinventmyself]

Better start talking, then!

 

 

[browneyedgirl36]

I feel like.... you're keeping him around because he's a generally good guy and tries really hard, and you know he cares.... but you also know he's not the right guy for you.

 

You're a gorgeous woman with lots of good qualities that any man would be lucky to date. I think you're selling yourself short by staying with someone that has started to undermine your own ability to voice what you really want and need in this relationship.

 

I think so too, actually. I think I've only commented once or twice here, but I've read the whole journal, and that's the feeling I'm getting. I know how tempting it is to stick with someone because he seems like a really good guy, and dating is extremely hard these days, and you think you might be making a mistake by letting him go. These are all perfectly normal things to think, of course, but...I don't know. I've read several threads on here recently about fairly new relationships -- ones of six months or fewer -- where there already seem to be conflicts, and for me, that would be the signal that maybe it wasn't a good fit. It's one thing if the relationship has been going on for a year or more and conflicts arise, but...in early days (the first few months), if you're already having significant arguments, taking "space" from one another, breaking up and getting back together, that seems like a sign. Just my thoughts.

 

You were definitely having these doubts long before your ex contacted you, so I don't think this has much to do with him (though his contact and profession of feelings probably didn't help the situation). Mark sounds like a good person in many ways, but he also sounds like he could be a difficult person to have a longterm relationship with, and while he may be a good person overall, that doesn't necessarily mean he's good for you. I once had to break up with someone who, by all accounts, was a "great guy" but who, ultimately, wasn't the best guy for me. It was hard to do, but to this day, I have no regrets (other than really devastating him at the time -- but I don't regret my decision to break up).

 

Maybe this week will give you time to think more on this and come to some decisions.

[WithLove]

to be fair, this is my side of the story. To hear the pain in his voice sharing how he can't seem to get it right and sensing I am not happy with our sex life makes me sad for him.

 

The thing is - it's difficult for me to have any sympathy for a man that refuses to talk about the issue, shuts himself down, and then tells you that you're 'butt hurt' over it. I'm sorry, but that's not someone that is proactive in trying to meet his woman halfway when it comes to stuff like this.

 

And it's like, I can't even say "well maybe you guys should try therapy" because I don't think you both even have the label of 'being in a relationship', do you? I think you've said you've been seeing each other for about 5 months? That's not a very long time, and already he's shutting down when it comes to stuff that has to be discussed.

[reinventmyself]

We are in a committed relationship. And tho the journal serves as a tool for venting it is easy to assume there's more conflict than there actually is. We do get along really well the major of the time. Unfortunately we don't always come here saying how great things are.

Great wouldn't describe it. Not sure great exists but it's pretty good.

I'm trying to learn something's about myself as I'm typically not attracted to good guys and that bad ones have taken its toll.

You're right this week will be telling. I can't imagine what sex would be like w Mark after this. I know me well enough and this may have caused me to withdraw permanently in fear that I'm not going to get it right with him.

I'm not going to settle for a incompatible sex life.

As far as communication, when he's not heated he can be a great communicater.

But having said that I also won't tolerate what I heard the other day.

I'm rambling now and contridicting myself. Obviously confused

The ex bf is texting this morning probably because I didn't respond from work. I asked him for space over the wkend. Like clockwork the weekends over. I'll ask for distance once again. Feeling on edge.

[WithLove]

I didn't mean to come on very strongly. I think I might have and caused you to be defensive. I apologize for that. I hope you have a nice, relaxing week to think things over and decide how to approach this.

[reinventmyself]

No apologies WL. I needed to hear it, whatever it is!! I appreciate the feedback

[reinventmyself]

. . Besides if I held out for things I only wanted to hear, I would just continue to talk to myself

[browneyedgirl36]

. . Besides if I held out for things I only wanted to hear, I would just continue to talk to myself

 

True! And I know I said some things that may have not been what you wanted to hear, too, but I think it definitely helps to hear other perspectives. I understand that this is a journal, and you're not always going to talk about the good or great stuff that happens, but...the things you ARE talking about seem to be kind of big, especially for a relationship that's pretty new. It seems like he has a communication issue, for sure -- the shutting down, saying you're "butt hurt" (which I would find really immature and offensive if it were me) and then sounding sad that he can't get it right. The thing is, he CAN. If you've told him several times how you feel/what you want, and he makes an attempt but doesn't keep trying -- that would be frustrating, to say the least. He CAN change his behavior in the bedroom -- you've already told him how you feel more than once. I guess I just don't understand being told that something I'm doing is frustrating/upsetting/hurtful/etc. to someone and NOT making a concerted, consistent effort to change that behavior. If, for example, my guy said, "You know, it really bothers me that you don't call me more. It would mean a lot to me if you called me once a day," if I really wanted to make the relationship work, I'd do it (unless there was something urgent that interfered with my ability to call.)

 

It seems like you were unsure about him early on, too, which is why I'm bringing these things up. Trust me, I know firsthand about having dated guys who were NOT good for me, and wanting to break that pattern, wanting to give a different type of guy a chance. That's definitely a good idea -- you just need to make sure you're being honest with yourself about whether you're sticking with him because you REALLY want to be with HIM, specifically, or if you're sticking with him because he's a "good" guy and you feel like you should.

 

In any case, if you have a week without him around to sort things out, maybe that week will give you time to ruminate on things, including your ex. Have you considered why you keep responding to your ex? I'm not judging you for doing that -- just wondering if there are things unresolved there for you. There clearly are for him! I hope things work out for you. Generally, they work out the way they should, in my experience. Whatever happens, you'll be OK.