Girlfriend on the fence about having kids: Anyone have experience with this?

[Scoe141]

I'm 34, she's 30. We've been dating now for several months. When talking about the future of our relationship, probably the biggest "hurdle" if you will, is the fact she doesn't know if she wants to have children. I am 100% for having them.

 

Her reasons stems from previous medical procedures that may make it a pregnancy difficult, as well a turbulent childhood/family life. (We come from two different family backgrounds.) Whatever transpired is giving her the impression that she may not be a good mother. Since getting to know her, I've seen the way she's been with family members kids and she has the natural maternal instinct. I think she would make a wonderful mother (and have told her that).

 

That being said, some days she wants them, then other days she doesn't. She said she goes back and forth with this. She said that I would make a great father and that she would want to give me a child(children) (if it came down to it), but wouldn't sure if that is what she wanted.

 

When talking to her counselor about it, she told her that she doesn't want to think or deal with aspect of her life right now- due to other stressors. I told her that there was absolutely no pressure, and not something we need to worry about at this point. I've been supportive, understanding and listen when she talks about her feelings. It does make me uneasy at times, yet also gives me hope if things were to progress.

 

Has anyone ever gone through with this? Any advice? This is new to me and I'm just trying to figure it out. Thanks.

[mhowe]

If you are engaged it is way too early to talk of children.

[faraday]

I understand not wanting to waste your time with someone that doesn't want the same things as you. I had the "I want children...soon." Talk with my bf recently...because if he's not down with having kids in the next few years, I have to bail and look for someone else. I didn't make it an ultimatum or anything, I just said "this is what I want from my life. I really like you, a lot and I think no matter what, you're awesome people. If you don't want kids and marriage...that's cool, no hard feelings...but I have to go. I don't need you to promise that were for sure getting married and having kids, as we haven't been dating long enough to determine that...but I need to know that it's a possibility."

 

I think you need to lay it out and tell her this is what you want, and you need to know if the possibility is there with her. It's too early for her to say "yes I want your babies" but it's not too early for her to know if she wants children in general...she's 30, not 22...she needs to figure out what she wants from her life...and it's okay to see if you have compatible life goals.

 

 

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[Scoe141]

If you are engaged it is way too early to talk of children.

 

I agree (despite my constant struggle with worrying about "tomorrow".)

 

Thank you, I've trusted and valued your advice.

[mhowe]

That was supposed to say "if you are not". Dating a few months...you haven't even gotten past infatuation.

[Fudgie]

I don't know, I think it's good to talk early. Why bother continuing with someone if you know early on that they disagree with you on the kids issue?

 

It sounds like she is unsure. I would just wait and see. If you care about her and are willing to take the risk of maybe she swinging towards not wanting kids and then you'll have to move on. Just keep your eyes open and see what happens. If she changes her mind, cool, if not, you move on.

[Scoe141]

Thanks faraday. She knows my heart and my intentions of a family. It's a matter of her wanting them. Some days she does others not so much. I need to be patient and try not to worry at this point. I guess im hanging onto the hope that is there.

 

How did you and your bf make out with it?

[Scoe141]

That was supposed to say "if you are not". Dating a few months...you haven't even gotten past infatuation.

 

Thanks I was able to discern that. But it's a friendly reminder of the stage were in and certainly puts things into perespective.

[happpybear]

I think it a bit early too....you guys are still getting to know each other, have you even gotten to the "I love you" stage yet? If so, are you still in the honeymoon phase?

 

I'm a fence sitter about kids too. I would be perfectly happy not having kids. If I meet Mr. Right and he really wants kids and the timing is right, then I will have kids. If Mr. Right doesn't want kids, I am cool with that too. But, he has to be Mr. Right. Perhaps she is still figuring out if you are her Mr. Right, it's likely still to early to tell if you are not even a year in yet.

[Scoe141]

I think it a bit early too....you guys are still getting to know each other, have you even gotten to the "I love you" stage yet? If so, are you still in the honeymoon phase?

 

I'm a fence sitter about kids too. I would be perfectly happy not having kids. If I meet Mr. Right and he really wants kids and the timing is right, then I will have kids. If Mr. Ri

 

ght doesn't want kids, I am cool with that too. But, he has to be Mr. Right. Perhaps she is still figuring out if you are her Mr. Right, it's likely still to early to tell if you are not even a year in yet.

 

Yes we say I love you- some may argue it's too early, but I've dated enough to know that. We've also talked about that and why we feel that way.

 

What you wrote in the latter part of your post sounded like exactly what she had said. She's mentioned that if her husband didn't want kids she be cool with that. She has said that I would be a good father, but I think like you guys have mentioned it might be premature.

 

I guess I just don't want to waste anyone's time if she didn't want to have kids. But since there is a possibility that she does, I strongly feel she's worth the wait.

[faraday]

Thanks faraday. She knows my heart and my intentions of a family. It's a matter of her wanting them. Some days she does others not so much. I need to be patient and try not to worry at this point. I guess im hanging onto the hope that is there.

 

How did you and your bf make out with it?

 

He ran out of the room, arms flailing while screaming.

 

J/k. I had that talk with him at the 6 month mark, and we promised each other that since I only have a few year window to have children, that if either of us had the "no" feeling for moving forward, that we would just end things with no hard feelings. He's a really good man, so I don't worry about him. We've been together 10 months now...and things are going really good. We've agreed to move in together on a trial (in about 4-5 months) basis before becoming engaged. It's funny, I always thought I wouldn't live with someone before engagement...but he works out of town so much that we kind of need to jump in to get to know one another better before determining if forever is in our cards.

 

I don't know if he's my the one yet....but I do really like him. A lot. I think he's one of the kindest people I've ever met...and he's awesome with my daughter...she actually called us a family the other day...and when she says stuff like that, he's good with it...it doesn't freak him out. Like when she asked him "when he was going to 'fertilize' (me)?" (We had just had the where babies come from talk), and he laughed. I was horrified...but he thought it was cute.

 

It seems like things are progressing well....but I also had that talk with him (once) and haven't mentioned it since. I don't want to pressure him, he knows where I'm at...so I just have to trust him. And I do.

 

Time will tell.

 

 

 

 

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[Snny]

I am married, around the same age as your girlfriend, and I am also the same way about whether to have children or not. But being in the teaching field and having the experience of working with parents and behind the scenes of education shifts, my main concern is the education system in our country. Our standardize testing has increased dramatically and I have seen more children failing and dropping out of high school than passing. I am silently hoping that it will turn around, but it's going to take a very long time for school districts to get situation. The state I teach in has changed their testing system to make it harder. Yes there is private school, but I taught there was well- most of the "teachers" there are not certified teachers and it costs a college tuition to send your kid to private school.

 

There's also the potential of getting a child who may have a disability and have to depend on their parents their whole lives. I work in the Specal Education field and have seen a LOT of families struggle. I don't know how they do it. I met a family with three kids who all had autism, two of which have intellectual disability (most incredibly family I ever met, but they have the patience of a saint). That is another conversation everyone needs to have before they have children- what if you get a child who has special needs and how are you going to provide the ongoing support even through adulthood?

 

Daycare is also very pricey. Who's going to take care of the child when you both need to work? Can you afford it until the child is in 6th grade?

 

That being said... Having children is not for everybody. If you do not want to have children, you should not just go through with it because your spouse, your parents, your inlaws or your friends pressured you to. It takes a ton of work on top of balancing your work life and marriage. if she doesn't want to have kids and you do, then she may not be the right partner for you. I have met a couple of people who got divorces because one partner was not on board with having/not having children.

[happpybear]

I think it's ok to give a time frame for yourself, so check in again at about 1 year and see what she says, and then maybe again at 1.5 years....if by then she still can't for sure say that yes, she wants to give you babies, then move on.

 

Also you say she has a health concern that could cause a difficult pregnancy, do you guys have enough info about it, like has she had an in depth chat with a doctor about the issues and risks and what can/will be done to minimize risks during the pregnancy/birth? Because I totally understand something like this swaying her decision. But if she has all the facts and knows how much of a risk it might help her come to a final decision.

[Scoe141]

haha cute story! And I hope it works out between you two. It sounds like you two have a good understanding.

 

I'm going to take a page out of a chapter in your book and not bring it up. Even though last night she said it was the "pink elephant in the room". I think after last nights conversation (which we've had before) it makes since not to talk about, until time has passed. There is no since adding any unnecessary pressures, to her life.

[Scoe141]

That being said... Having children is not for everybody. If you do not want to have children, you should not just go through with it because your spouse, your parents, your inlaws or your friends pressured you to. It takes a ton of work on top of balancing your work life and marriage. if she doesn't want to have kids and you do, then she may not be the right partner for you. I have met a couple of people who got divorces because one partner was not on board with having/not having children.

 

Thank you for your post. I understand where your coming from. We have really good communication. You're right, we shouldn't go down that road if we're not on the same page.

[Scoe141]

I think it's ok to give a time frame for yourself, so check in again at about 1 year and see what she says, and then maybe again at 1.5 years....if by then she still can't for sure say that yes, she wants to give you babies, then move on.

 

Also you say she has a health concern that could cause a difficult pregnancy, do you guys have enough info about it, like has she had an in depth chat with a doctor about the issues and risks and what can/will be done to minimize risks during the pregnancy/birth? Because I totally understand something like this swaying her decision. But if she has all the facts and knows how much of a risk it might help her come to a final decision.

 

Very good ideas. Thank you. She has had conversations with medical staff regarding her health. It's not impossible, but there is the possibility that she may have difficulties with the pregnancy. Ive been supportive with her feelings on he subject. Like farady say, there would never be any hard feelings. She's an amazing woman and if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be. I also told her that even if she couldn't have children, that it would never persuade me to leave the relationship.

[faraday]

Thats the thing, hey? You never know what will happen. I think my bf is the coolest person I've ever met....and I'm scared that in a year, if he's not ready, we'll break up...I'll meet someone else...and be infertile. Odds are low, I have a 6 year old...but still, it's possible. So I don't know what I would do...if in a year, I'm still this crazy about him...do I just let the kid thing go? I mean...I want to be in a good relationship. I'm looking for the love of my life...that's a priority. I don't just want to have a kid with anyone...I don't want to be a single parent again.

 

I just really want to have it all...the love of my life...and future children. I hope I don't have to pick

 

 

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[Scoe141]

You're right. Life can be funny at times. (Meaning you never know what will happen.) I guess for me I'm eager to start a family. I don't want to rush it, but Im excited to be a dad and just simply, have a family.

 

I could see your concerns. At the year mark, it's going to be tough. I'd listen to your intuition at that point. It sounds like you've been blessed with a child, so the two questions are: do you let your bf go and hope you'll find someone to have another child with, or do you accept things now and be happy as a family? I can't imagine that it would an easy decision to make.

 

I hope you don't have to pick either. But one thing I've learned, especially from past relationships, is that things always work out. They always seem to do.

 

Hope this helped.

[Batya33]

I think it's never too soon to talk about general goals. Are either of you open to adoption if she cannot deal with a pregnancy? If she is ambivalent I would not move forward if you are sure. Hard enough being a good parent when you're 100% sure!

[Scoe141]

We haven't talked about adoption, but that is something that could be brought up the next time we have that discussion.

 

As for her ambivalence... I have thought about it and it is something that concerns me. I understand anything is possible, but if she's on the fence about it now, then what would happen if we got engaged or married and she backed out? I guess that would be a chance I'd have to take. I mean shoot, I don't even know if I can have children. So the adoption thing might be something to discuss.

 

@Batya33 I'm curious as to why you wouldn't move forward? Thanks.

 

She said she's always felt this way about kids. So aside from the medical aspect of it, there maybe a bigger picture that could be hindering her decision.

[Batya33]

I only dated men more than a few times who wanted marriage and family 100% as their general goals which is what I wanted. I found out those goals either before we met or at the latest within the first few dates. I had no idea if I could conceive other than I knew there were no obvious impediments . My husband didn't know either. We would have tried alternative ways if we weren't able to have a child.

[Scoe141]

I only dated men more than a few times who wanted marriage and family 100% as their general goals which is what I wanted. I found out those goals either before we met or at the latest within the first few dates. I had no idea if I could conceive other than I knew there were no obvious impediments . My husband didn't know either. We would have tried alternative ways if we weren't able to have a child.

 

That makes complete sense, it sounds like you two were on the same page. Thank you for sharing.

[happpybear]

I also told her that even if she couldn't have children, that it would never persuade me to leave the relationship.

 

This is encouraging. This issue is something that concerns me too, in that I am almost afraid to date men that are 100% certain that they must have biological kids in the future. Because (as a soon-to-be 34 year old) I don't have a whole lot of time left. So, for all I know, by the time I find Mr. Right and he wants babies, I may be infertile...hell I may be infertile right now for all I know...and it would be shattering if Mr. Right where to then dump me for it, like our love together wouldn't be enough and the need to have biological children would trump our love...that scares me...glad too hear that you are not like that!

[superfan]

OP, your wife sounds so much like me it's frightening. I am 32, my husband is 36.

 

I have never really been crazy about the idea of having kids. I am a teacher, but have never really felt the "tug" to have my own. Before I met my husband, I was 100% sure I did not want the hassle or the responsibility of them.

 

When we first met, my husband was honest about wanting kids someday. I was honest about the fact that I wasn't really crazy about the idea. He told me that he would love to have kids, but that being with me was more important, and I promised not to be totally closed off to the idea.

 

As our relationship progressed, I started to feel a little warmer to the concept, but did not want them right away. When we got married, I told him I wanted to be married for 5 years before we even thought about having kids - and even then, I don't want to "try", just not prevent.

 

So, fast forward to last month when we reached our 5th wedding anniversary. I went off birth control and "pulled the goalie" so to speak.

 

We are not trying to have children, but we are also not preventing. I have no idea if I am going to be able to have kids (given my age), but if I am able, then it will happen.

 

My feelings about having children are a bit more 50/50 now. When I first met my husband I would have said I was 80/20 on the side of NOT wanting kids. Having settled into our relationship and had the chance to really look at what kind of family we would be, I am more comfortable with the idea.

 

I am at the point where if it happened, I would be happy with it, but if it didn't, I would be OK with that as well.

 

Maybe she needs time....it could just be that she is not yet sure what a family situation with you would look like. It could be that she truly doesn't want kids. If it is early in the relationship, I wouldn't worry TOO much. Tell her you feel she would make an amazing parent and leave it at that. She knows you want kids, so as you progress into your relationship and it becomes more of an issue, THEN have the talk again. Don't make it a demand, but if it truly is a deal breaker than you have to be honest.

 

Good luck!

[Seraphim]

There is something to be said for being "equally yoked." Personally I think it's easier to find someone who fits the model of what you want rather than trying to fit somebody else into that model.