Girlfriend on the fence about having kids: Anyone have experience with this?

[Batya33]

This is encouraging. This issue is something that concerns me too, in that I am almost afraid to date men that are 100% certain that they must have biological kids in the future. Because (as a soon-to-be 34 year old) I don't have a whole lot of time left. So, for all I know, by the time I find Mr. Right and he wants babies, I may be infertile...hell I may be infertile right now for all I know...and it would be shattering if Mr. Right where to then dump me for it, like our love together wouldn't be enough and the need to have biological children would trump our love...that scares me...glad too hear that you are not like that!

 

Any man who marries a woman expecting to have biological children is clueless at the very least. It's not just about age -there are many reasons a woman might not be able to have a biological child (or carry one to term) matter what her age. I do understand about the biological clock which of course increases the risks associated with fertility but there are no guarantees.

[Fudgie]

I like Vic's statement about being equally yoked. I'm going to be blunt. The vast majority of women want children. It's easier and perhaps, better use of your time to find someone who wants them just as much as you do, rather than wait around and hope that this one person changes their mind.

 

It's harder when you're childfree like me, and if you can't find other childfree people, you have to settle. I used to play up the infertility/genetic card (not a lie, just not the complete truth) a lot when I was online dating because it made me more palatable to men and more sympathetic. Of course, i worried about them changing their minds.

 

But hey, you don't have to worry about that. Most women want children! Statistics are on your side!

 

Don't settle if you don't have to. And I'm assuring you, you don't have to.

[superfan]

There is something to be said for being "equally yoked." Personally I think it's easier to find someone who fits the model of what you want rather than trying to fit somebody else into that model.

 

I feel really silly for asking this, but what does "equally yoked" mean?

[happpybear]

I think also, that before she will be able to make a decision, she needs to get herself sorted out with therapy. If she had a turbulent childhood and those memories make her feel that she will be a bad mother, she needs to get help. I know that you wrote that she doens't want to tackle it now with her therapist due to other more pressing issues, but I think that she will remain undecided until she deals with it professionally. I think if you love her and want to wait it out, perhaps discuss with her a timeline for her to tackle this in therapy...just in case she is trying to put it off...

 

It's one thing to not want kids due to ideological reasons (like overpopulation etc.) or because she doesn't feel that maternal urge, but it's another can of worms if it is because she thinks she will be a bad mother. I feel that is an unhealthy reason and with proper counseling could definitely be overcome.

 

I'm just thinking from my own POV as a fence-sitter...I don't feel my ticking clock...but I also know that I would be a good mom and certainly not afraid of the possibility of being a parent...so I could go either way with peace of mind.

[Seraphim]

I feel really silly for asking this, but what does "equally yoked" mean?

 

In secular circumstances it means to be with someone with the same ideas of life style. Common life goals and common upbringing etc.

[Ms Darcy]

I have this feeling, which is probably unfair, but I feel like parenthood is a huge responsibility that often disproportionately impacts the woman. I would just urge you to accept her perspective, no matter what is, without pushing her in the direction where you want her to go.

 

Saying she has a maternal instinct is very different from her wanting to, frankly, do a lot more than you ever have to physically to even have the child.

 

And I want kids, so don't get me wrong. But I know that even with my partner's perception of 50/50, it's not going to be 50/50. And if a woman isn't all-in on that, you have to reflect inside yourself if that's worth it.

 

Ambivalence is functionally the same as no to me because it's not a yes. And if she has always been ambivalent, and you are 100% yes, then you are not compatible. So, I would agree with Batya about not moving forward if someone is not sure.

[Caradia]

Things like that take time for some, and not for others. Either way, children are a huge commitment and not something that should even be considered until further into a relationship. I understand that you don't want to waste time being with someone who doesn't have the same wants as you, but it's also possible that she will want them as your relationship builds. You said it right when you said you need to be patient. Also, keeping on her about it will only do one of two things that you don't want - push her away or push her to not want kids. You've been clear on your stance, now give her time and space to figure it out. And I mean wait a year or something before going down that road again; you are both young enough to wait a while. However, I also agree with the post about being equally yoked - it is much easier to find someone to fit the mold than to shove someone into one.