Should I not have said this?

[LadyBug1988]

I've been dating a guy I've known for a few years for about two months now and we recently started sleeping together. He told me his goal is to build a relationship with me, he's very serious, he likes me a lot, I've met the friends and fam and it's looking good.

 

I'm getting more comfortable with him, and have been more open about my thoughts and feelings. This is difficult for me as my last relationship was abusive in every way and I'm used to men reacting to my opinions and feelings violently. My friend knows my past, and a lot about me.

 

So last night I confessed I'm afraid to strengthen my emotional and and physical connection with him. We slept together once before, and we were alone and at an opportune time so I just told him how I felt. I said I wanted to trust him though, I just needed to get there. He said "it's okay, take your time". So I asked him what his fears were and he said he didn't have any, not sure why he didn't share. He never has anything negative to say to me, nothing he doesn't like ever. We ended up making love again and I had to run off early in the morning for work as he lives far away.

 

So he said to text when I got home and I did but I sensed some weirdness. I told him I wished I could a stayed longer and thought of him the entire ride home. So he suggested "a few days of quality time would help". So I said "yes, I really want to know who I'm dealing with". And he goes "yea cause the trust isn't there", so I told him "I trust that you're a man of your word and integrity. I think you're divine, and I trust my intuition since I love being around you. However, I don't want you on a fantasy pedestal. I need to validate all the wonderful things I think of you are true. I'm willing to put in the effort, I think you're worth it. Hopefully I'll address your uncertainties, they're of equal importance. I love the idea of what could be, I want to find out."

 

He never responded and I haven't called or texted again. I'm wondering if I hurt his feelings, I'm not bringing it up again but think I may have said too much. To gauge time, this was all earlier today. I think amazing things about him, I always have but the fact he's dragging his feet with me and being so secretive about how he feels frightens me and makes me think he's leading me on. He'll go down the infinite list of things he loves about me, he even said he loved me so it just doesn't add up.

[mhowe]

You didn't hurt his feelings but that unload was pretty deep for so early. Also...he seems very xo fident and may not have any fears. I think you need to live more in the moment and watch the relationship chat at this point.

[LadyBug1988]

You didn't hurt his feelings but that unload was pretty deep for so early. Also...he seems very xo fident and may not have any fears. I think you need to live more in the moment and watch the relationship chat at this point.

 

I won't mention it again, I guess I just felt I needed to tell him because we are getting much closer. He still hasn't texted, should I initiate?

[mhowe]

No. You got really deep and there really isn't any response necessary.

[LadyBug1988]

No. You got really deep and there really isn't any response necessary.

 

 

 

I appreciate your response, I don't want to ask him or anyone else so I vent in this forum. Should I try calling him, or wait for him to contact me? He said he's talked to a lot of girls in the past but didn't make anything official, I feel he may have lead them on and I just don't want that to be me. He said he wants to be appreciated, and he likes that I make him feel like a man but he's making me feel strung along and like I wanna back off

[mhowe]

No you should not contact him at all. He isn't stringing you along at all. You need to chill out.

[Hollybelle]

What you said was perfectly fine. In fact, it's quite lovely. If he can't deal with it, then it's best that you find someone who can. I think if you feel as thought you'll regret not going for it as far as texting goes, you should go for it.

[LadyBug1988]

What you said was perfectly fine. In fact, it's quite lovely. If he can't deal with it, then it's best that you find someone who can. I think if you feel as thought you'll regret not going for it as far as texting goes, you should go for it.

 

Thank you, but it seemed to have struck him wrong. I'm always telling him wonderful things and stroking his ego, he said that's what he loves about me. This is the first negative thing and he hasn't texted since 10am. I was worried about coming off crazy, needy or demanding or something cause that's how his lack of communication is making me feel.

[mhowe]

You told him you don't trust him...because of your past. He hasn't done anything to make you distrust him. And the amount of emotional baggage you packed into that text after you left....not many guys would have responded to it. Not at less than 2 months of dating.

[LadyBug1988]

You told him you don't trust him...because of your past. He hasn't done anything to make you distrust him. And the amount of emotional baggage you packed into that text after you left....not many guys would have responded to it. Not at less than 2 months of dating.

 

Thank you for being so straightforward, I think I'll just leave him alone, I won't contact him again.

[reinventmyself]

I don't think men can be 'talked ' into a relationship. They follow their heart and what feels good and rewarding

I agree your text was maybe a little much but you were speaking your mind. I wouldn't contact him and instead give him a little space to process what you said.

[LadyBug1988]

I don't think men can be 'talked ' into a relationship. They follow their heart and what feels good and rewarding

I agree your text was maybe a little much but you were speaking your mind. I wouldn't contact him and instead give him a little space to process what you said.

 

Do you think I self sabotaged?

[trust101]

Do you think I self sabotaged?

 

I don't think so yet. Does he know about your past history? It's still early to evaluate. What you wrote was a bit too much I reckon but if he doesn't respond in a couple days then it would be a sign of disrespect of him to not acknowledge your thoughts. Actually, if you are overly-concerned, maybe you could write a simple 'forget about what I just said, was having a moment. Let whatever this is naturally flow.' Something like that, just to alleviate the drama, so things return to the calmness that was.

[bulletproof]

I think a good rule of thumb is to hold off on something as intimate as sex if you don't feel you're at a point where you can be totally and completely honest with each other. Right now you are sitting here worrying about a text. If you were comfortable and trusting (which you told him you were not) then maybe the sex should not have happened, either.

 

But what's done is done. Just slow down and ease up on the heavy relationship conversations right now. You could just try to enjoy getting to know each other.

[LadyBug1988]

I don't think so yet. Does he know about your past history? It's still early to evaluate. What you wrote was a bit too much I reckon but if he doesn't respond in a couple days then it would be a sign of disrespect of him to not acknowledge your thoughts. Actually, if you are overly-concerned, maybe you could write a simple 'forget about what I just said, was having a moment. Let whatever this is naturally flow.' Something like that, just to alleviate the drama, so things return to the calmness that was.

 

He is a good friend of 7 years, he knows all about my past and the nightmare I just escaped. This conversation happened at 10am and he constantly texts and calls throughout the day typically, but I haven't heard from him since that message this morning. I feel really stupid and that I the less I say the better. I guess I wanted to stop hiding from him and try being more honest but I see now that was a bad move.

[mhowe]

There is honesty and there is discretion. He doesn't need to hear your internal dialogue as you navigate your feelings.

[chitown9]

My goodness...I presume this man has a life and a million and one things could be distracting him from contacting you, but you think it is all about you. A little self centered; don't you think?? chi

[Batya33]

He is a good friend of 7 years, he knows all about my past and the nightmare I just escaped. This conversation happened at 10am and he constantly texts and calls throughout the day typically, but I haven't heard from him since that message this morning. I feel really stupid and that I the less I say the better. I guess I wanted to stop hiding from him and try being more honest but I see now that was a bad move.

 

Next time I would save that kind of honesty in person, face to face if at all. Texting something like that gives the impression at least in part that you are hiding behind a computer screen. And just remind yourself that honesty and choosing what to share are not the same thing - you chose to share a lot of information via text. The way you share something like that and the timing are very important IMO.

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry you're feeling so uncomfortable. I thought it was a beautiful text, and I wouldn't beat myself up for it. It sounds as though BF did some mind spins on himself and went into a pout about your trust issues. His remark was a bit manipulative, and while you hit the mark in terms of honesty, he might be pulling a snit because you didn't come right back and say, "I do trust you..." but that's his problem, not yours.

 

Let him chomp on things for a while, but I'd be careful. If he holds unrealistic expectations about getting you to say what he wants to hear on a dime, then it's not exactly you he's looking out for.

 

Head high, and I hope you'll let us know how things go.

[Iggles]

What you said was perfectly fine. In fact, it's quite lovely. If he can't deal with it, then it's best that you find someone who can.

 

I disagree with this. It was an over share, as you basically disclosed your internal dialogue and that you don't trust him.. yet

 

This kind of insecurity is off-putting to most people right out of the gate. If you're not at the point where you feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts in person, then your level of emotional intimacy is not there yet for putting this out on text.

 

In the interim, give him space. In the short term, work on building up your emotional intimacy with him. A good rule of thumb when escalating intimacy (whether emotional or physical) is never move more than two steps ahead of the other person. It's a dance and if you speed ahead the other person does not have time to catch up.

 

In the long term, perhaps see a therapist to work on establishing a healthy view of relationships and conquering trust issues. It's not fair for a new partner to pay for the price for how other past partners have hurt you. If the situation was reversed and he told you he couldn't trust you because he was cheated on in the past, you would be offended that he worries you'll cheat too.

[reinventmyself]

. . just curious as to what happened??