unstable boyfriend

[Lilliene]

Folks, my boyfriend has just retired from his job. Earlier we had an erratic pattern of meeting, normally I had to follow him around to get him to meet. Need to tell u guys that meanwhile I became pregnant n he disappeared when I did. In a nutshell, he retired but before he did, he disappeared for 15 days. I stopped contacting too. The day he retired he sent me a message saying he was sorry n wanted to make up n meet. When I asked when does he want to meet he said in 2 days, on the 3 rd day he again said on a day or so n then missing again. I then got a message from him asking why am I scared to meet u? N that it was a scary feeling or perhaps guilt. I did not respond. Should I? I don't understand anything, my mind is blocked. Pl suggest. I feel terrible, sad, I cry for my lost child. I can't get over him.

[Hollyj]

This man is beyond unstable, and you do not want to bring a child into this environment.

 

I'm sorry, but he has repeatedly shown you that he is not reliable and does not care or respect you. He doesn't respect himself, for that matter.

 

This guy is a boatload of hurt and drama. What attracts you to this?

[Lilliene]

Hollyj coz he was perfect in the beginning n i on a rebound. He sounded n seemed perfect. I don't know what went wrong!

[Lilliene]

I'm too shattered to take another breakup

[metrogirl]

Wait, what happened to your pregnancy?

[Lilliene]

Got it aborted since I live in a society where it is Impossible to have a child out of wedlock. I'm dying inside. I cannot forget this part. Had I not been impregnated I would have moved on since long.

[IAmFCA]

Do not respond.

 

Some people do not go away gracefully, and only take their leave when we prove to them that we have taken ours, by going NC.

 

I recommend NC from this hurtful, irresponsible force in your life.

 

Mourn as you choose, and when you are ready, give yourself the gift of understanding and forgiveness.

[abitbroken]

Ok, abortion aside, the real issue that remains is that you need to worry less what society thinks and more about your "radar" - how can you protect yourself in the future by recognizing the signs of an unstable person or an abusive person? Also, the other part if it is you need to protect your heart and your body and not have sex with someone unless you are in a committed relationship - preferably marriage but at the very least long term and monogamous. You did not know him well enough or AT ALL before his true colors came out. He could be mentally unstable, or he could have a family and a wife and that is why he is flakey. He got what he wanted - sex - and then he disappeared. You are going to have to guard yourself and decide that having an out of wedlock child is too high a price to have sex with a new boyfriend, as well as too high of a cost emotionally because all of those bonding hormones that come with sex make you want to chase after jerks and flakes. A quality guy who truly loves you will wait a little while for sex because he is concerned about the consequences just as you are and if something does happen, he will not flake, but make an honest woman out of you and marry you if you were pregnant because he planned to do so anyways.

[Lilliene]

U r right. There is no way I could have done that. There is no place in our society for out of wedlock children. The consequences r death for the mother n a life of abandonment for the child. And sadly it happened the first time we had sex.

[Lilliene]

U r spot on about our cultures. Anyway I don't know whether I should want a closure or quietly move on with these things unanswered. I tried to save the child n ask him to marry but he did not. I don't understand y he resurfaced n wanted to see me n beg forgiveness n now tells me he is scared n guilty to see me. Should I reply or just keep quiet. I'm too shattered.

[1a1a]

Don't Ever let that guy back into your life, what a piece of scum!

[jjkk]

I don't know whether I should want a closure or quietly move on with these things unanswered. I tried to save the child n ask him to marry but he did not. I don't understand y he resurfaced n wanted to see me n beg forgiveness n now tells me he is scared n guilty to see me. Should I reply or just keep quiet. I'm too shattered.

 

It's normal to want a sense of closure, a feeling that your questions, the WHY have been answered but in reality it doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything and most likely you won't get it. It'll lead to you keeping yourself in pain trying to get a satisfactory answer and understanding to his behavior and in the end I don't think you'll get it. It's rough but I think it's best to keep quiet to him, silence, let him go and let yourself begin the healing process.

[conlan]

At first I thought the guy was just scared so he is avoiding the situation but regardless it doesnt matter. He has to step up or let someone step up for you.

[abitbroken]

U r spot on about our cultures. Anyway I don't know whether I should want a closure or quietly move on with these things unanswered. I tried to save the child n ask him to marry but he did not. I don't understand y he resurfaced n wanted to see me n beg forgiveness n now tells me he is scared n guilty to see me. Should I reply or just keep quiet. I'm too shattered.

 

I think you should not seek closure. Do not respond to him. Contact is just going to hurt you more. I don't know if their is counseling in your area available for these matters, but if not, maybe there is online counseling for women post abortion to work through the grief.

 

U r right. There is no way I could have done that. There is no place in our society for out of wedlock children. The consequences r death for the mother n a life of abandonment for the child. And sadly it happened the first time we had sex.

 

Women can get pregnant even the first time you had sex. Did you use any protection whatsoever? It is critical that you do. Honestly, I would not have sex with any boyfriend if out of wedlock children mean death for you. Just save sex for marriage or if you will not, with a man who you have known long enough to know his character (meaning date for a looong time) and after he has made his intentions of the future known and that you know that he would step up if something should occur.