Where's the fun in anything?

[DaisyHope]

What I hate is that I'm now in week two, I know still early days but I'm still not sleeping and when I do with pills I wake up at 4 and can't get back to sleep.

My mood at work is awful - it's not that I'm not trying, but I just sound and look so sad and miserable.

I've tried to be buzzy and happy but then something whacks me back down to earth and I feel miserable.

I've got to oragnise so many upcoming events and I just see no joy in doing them. And part of it is because it's time in the future, which is time I know I won't be with my 'ex' - I HATE calling him that.

I find it impossible to see the fun in anything.

I was supposed to start yoga tonight but I've postponed to start a dance class instead, and all I want to do is tell him, because it's something I'd always wanted to do.

I'm doing these things to keep occupied and try to cheer myself up, but when the only person I want to tell and share it with has gone and family are preoccupied with their lives and families, as are my friends, it's difficult to be happy.

I know I control my mind, but I can't seem to stop this - I know that it's happening, I know that it's over but I just can't deal with it. If I did counselling, I'd only rake up things that will make me wish I'd not done them or could prove to my 'ex' that I could change, but I can't get in touch with him, and he clearly doesn't want to talk face to face.

I had a life with him and it was all consuming and perfect in my books, but the whole 'commitment' 'its not you, it's me' thing was the end of us. I keep hoping that he'll come back but I don't think it's likely. He's someone who doesn't go backwards. Friends and family have also told me perhaps I just need to get in touch with him and ask directly if it's over for good or if there is any chance, but for one, why should I take it as otherwise now (although A LOT of people read the situation and how he did it as not necessarily being over) and also I'm not strong enough to hear 'finality' even though it is more or less final anyway!?

I know these things take time, to heal, to get over it, to move on, and MAYBE for them to come back but I just needed to share, because as it is I feel like I've been dosed up with miserable pills and it's horrendous.

I don't even feel like doing the classes I've booked up to... they're things I've always wanted to do so that's good, but the fact I can't share with him I'm doing it, and he'll have no way of knowing breaks my heart, even though HE made that choice. Just hurts when everything else he'd said before said he never wanted to be without me etc etc.

[Faye88]

I know exactly how you feel as I feel the same. Im managing to work but people are asking me whats wrong, Im sad and miserable and barley functioning. We've been apart a week and for the first week I went out every night with a different friend to distract myself, but as soon as I had a day alone on Sunday, I was in bits. The same as you my family are busy, in fact I've not told my adult children as they wont want the drama. All Im doing is working, then falling asleep on the sofa, waking, then dragging myself to bed, only to wake in the night. I miss him so badly and, at this point would forgive anything. He suffers with depression and I feel he needs help, I would support him through this but he has to come to this realization himself. Ive just been to the doctor as I suffered with a panic attack last week and the appointment was made for me. Nothing he can do as I don't want pills, just got to battle on. Everyone tells me time heals, and im sure it does but it doesn't make it easier does it.

 

I really feel for you and wish I could help, just remember there are people on here who really do understand. Im here if yiu want to chat.

[1a1a]

Do you have a friend or two you can just be mopey and sad with? Keep doing the things, do the things with people who know your situation, you aren't obliged to put on a happy face. But the value of getting out of the house cannot be measured.

[DaisyHope]

Yes, friends are great - a local friend (female) and I walk her dog, but all that does at the moment is remind me of him (we live very close) and he had dogs....

I had someone over on Sunday too (female!!), who just hugged me, held my hand and then early evening we got in to bed and just held hands and watched tv.

I want to be happy and buzzy but everything keeps swaying me back to the situation and him.

I know it's early days, but this just doesn't seem to be getting any better it feels like it's getting worse.

I know he'll be getting on with it, he was stacked at work, but he's probably had longer to prepare himself for this. I can't be angry at him as it's not his fault he couldn't commit to me for whatever reason but still. He wants this over, and whilst he said he didn't want anyone else when we were in a relationship, he clearly does.

Everyone just seems to say it's over, and possibly forever, but he might be back in the future, and all you can do is keep busy and get yourself in the right frame of mind for you and IF he ever does come back it's a bonus.

I just feel sick at the thought of him with someone else, I feel sick at the thought of me with someone else. I thought I'd found my life partner. And it's the worst thing thinking he didn't feel the same, and it's horrible thinking that if I wasn't (which this shows) then he possibly lied from the very beginning about his strength of feeling for me and our future... because he clearly didn't want that.

COULD this be a male freak out, grass is greener issue?? COULD he be back? Anyone out there with experiences (though I know not every one and situation is the same) of someone who does this and then comes back? From perfect, to commitment fear and dumping and then comes back after no contact from the dumpee? Also, how do I know that not fighting for him, or at least messaging him is the right thing to do!? What if by me not responding or being in touch has made him think I'm okay with it and moving on?

I just don't feel like it's the end... and I know it's because I've not accepted it, but genuinely the way it all happened, we still hadn't discussed it properly (partly my fault but also his) and the message he sent me didn't SAY it was over, and a friend even said she thought it's possible that he wasn't actually finishing it then....but as I was so shocked and hurt by it, and having been ignored by him in my attempts to talk to him I perhaps SHOULD have responded. I don't know. This just genuinely doesn't feel done.

One GOOD thing about the 'break up diet' whilst it's not good I'm hardly eating, if at all... I'm keeping up on loads of water, vitamins and GOOD food and fruit.... no junk!!

[Idoltree]

Daisy,

 

Remember that YOU need this. You made him your whole world. I can't say whether he'll come back or not, but I am certain that your relationship would not have succeeded as it was because you lost yourself in it. That's why this breakup is so brutal on you; it's not just what he did in ending the relationship, it's what you did to yourself during the relationship.

 

I know this isn't fun right now, and that comes with the territory. You're going through withdrawal.

 

There is going to come a day soon where you can see through your grief enough to start to see this. Right now you're surviving, but once you have that realization, you have to start thriving. You have to push yourself out of your comfort zone to grow as a person, and as you grow, the painful hope you are hanging onto will lessen. And no matter what happens - because we can't control other people - you will be in good shape for your future.

 

xo

[Limiya]

Daisy,

 

I'm not sure how long you were together for or how long you've been broken up for, however i will happily give you some advice i used to help myself when i went through mine.

You can read through my back stories here if you like, as i was with someone 6 years and it was a sudden breakup for me.

You WILL feel the way you're feeling right now for a while. It's perfectly normal. I felt the same as you when my ex left me.

I couldn't do anything without thinking 'i wonder if he would be impressed if he knew i was doing this' etc.

I couldn't feel happy for a long time, i had to fake it.

I really was miserable and he was all i could think about.

 

I decided i had to start doing something because all i was doing was moping around at home going over things in my head. I needed distraction. I needed to WORK at helping myself.

I did the same as you. I booked myself into dance classes, choir lessons, horse riding, anything that would distract me for a few hours every day.

I FORCED myself to go, even if i didn't feel like it.

I am telling you, it was the best thing i ever did.

You can STILL mope around at home when you're done, or have a cry when you go to bed, but just that temporary relief of distraction and being around people really helped.

I would walk neighbours dogs up the park, i would go to the horse stables on weekends and clean out the stables and groom horses, for free, just because it was theraputic to be looking after an animal instead of vegetating at home by myself. It got me out in the air, and talking with people. It forces me to move.

I would go to the gym as much as possible, because if you can exhaust yourself physically then you will be so tired at night you'll sleep better.

I would do my dance classes sometimes twice to three times a week. Just to make myself tired and make new friends.

 

What i'm trying to say is you have to push yourself to get out there, and do things. It will benefit you in the long run. You will eventually feel stronger, and you will realize you haven't been obsessing over him as much as before.

Don't get me wrong, you will still think of him a lot, but it won't totally consume you and rule your life as long as you're keeping busy. It's hard work but i promise you it's worth it.

Only time will heal in the long run, but in the meantime, get out there, do things, push yourself and you'll start having fun whilst getting through this at the same time.

 

Much love,

Limiya

[DaisyHope]

Thanks Idoltree, I think one of the things that's hurting me so much is REALISING that I did this. I didn't ask him to meet my friends because I loved being with his and seeing them, he didn't mind this, but he did mention the whole not meeting my friends once.

Now I'm realising this, and am taking steps to get over him (withdrawal) and have signed up to a dance class, yoga and just made an appointment with the doctor to talk over it, and hopefully be referred for counselling, but now I've realised it too late... had I made all these steps when I was with him then maybe he wouldn't have ended it. I had issues before, the polar opposite of 'don't sweat the small stuff' I went on and on and stressed and moaned over things that he was so supportive of, but that would have played a part (not that he said this, just that I'M seeing this) but anyway, now I'm taking steps to be more active, address issues, get fit and healthy he's not here to reap the benefits. Believe me he was the most loyal, giving, honest, perfect boyfriend and no it's not rose tinted glasses! He was!! By me being the way I was it possibly subconsciously put pressure on him to fix things or move in to get me out of the flat I moaned about etc etc. How will I ever let him know I've seen my faults and addressed them.

 

Yes I KNOW this is about me, I need to forget about him, but when you are in such an amazing relationship, and you know the possible parts you played in it, you want them to know it's being dealt with.

 

I wasn't so bad, when I say I moaned etc and stuff, people do this but it can't have been fun for him. I wish I had the strength to tell him I'm doing these things FOR ME and that it's okay that it's over (not that I obviously feel that way now) and that if he could ever consider anything in the future to let me know.......... whilst I moaned, when we were together (and yes maybe it was too much, even though HE loved having me with him, he always said as much anyway!) it was utterly perfect!!

 

I know I need to shift this focus, it's still early days in me accepting it, but I just WISH I could change things, rewind time knowing what I know now. That said, perhaps he realised he just didn't want to be with me even if I had included him more with my friends and things. The problem is I just don't know because I still don't know his reasons for ending it.

[DaisyHope]

I hate to ask this Limiya, as I think I know the ending as you've not stated it, but did he ever come back? Or even attempt it?

I know I have to banish that thought, I'm sorry I can't help but ask....

[DaisyHope]

PS. Also, just wondering about my earlier questions if anyone can let me know on those:

 

COULD this be a male freak out, grass is greener issue?? COULD he be back? Anyone out there with experiences (though I know not every one and situation is the same) of someone who does this and then comes back? From perfect, to commitment fear and dumping and then comes back after no contact from the dumpee? Also, how do I know that not fighting for him, or at least messaging him is the right thing to do!? What if by me not responding or being in touch has made him think I'm okay with it and moving on?

[SooSad33]

I understand how you feel. When he broke my heart 1.5 yrs ago, I felt awful for months

It took a good 9+ months to finally feel the tension and anxiety ease to where I start to function right again.

 

It is VERY hard to accept and 'let go'.

 

This is the same as a true 'loss', because it is that. It's the loss of a partner and relationship. So, you will feel all of these things and have remorse for it.

 

If you don't feel your ready to go out n do those classes then don't. You may find it more beneficial to go home and vent there. Relax, take care of YOU, cry, write (journal), etc.

Move on at your own pace. It all takes time...

[SooSad33]

PS. Also, just wondering about my earlier questions if anyone can let me know on those

 

No one truly knows his feelings. IF he is ever interested in coming back, he knows how to find you.

Until them don't contact. Stay No contact so HE can see what it's like without you in his life, at all.

 

Any contact will just bring about more emotions & confusion.. delaying you healing.

 

Yes, sometimes, Ex's will wander back at some point, but usually it's when we've figured ourselves out n don't want anything to do with them anymore.. or we've moved on.

 

No guarantee's.

[Limiya]

I hate to ask this Limiya, as I think I know the ending as you've not stated it, but did he ever come back? Or even attempt it?

I know I have to banish that thought, I'm sorry I can't help but ask....

 

Hi Daisy,

To answer your question. No i never spoke to or saw him again. He married the woman he left me for within 4 months of leaving. Kick in the teeth i know, and it meant i had MORE to get over, but by then i had already learnt to accept i would NEVER take him back even if he begged. It's a different situation to yours, but the same rules apply to getting through a breakup.

Don't seek out your ex to 'TELL' him you're working on things. He'll find out for himself one day when you might accidentally bump into each other and he'll see how much you've changed. Don't chase him down or try to contact him again.

It's difficult, but you have to remember to focus on you now, and not what you can do to win him back. It will have opposite effects. Let him be. If he comes back, fine. You've worked on things by then and you addressed your faults, but if he doesn't, then it's just not meant to be. There will be someone else out there who will fit you better.

 

Easy for me to say, but a year after i did all this hard work, i met someone amazing and still together now. You reap the benefits of it later on.

Limiya

[DaisyHope]

WOW!! I'm SO sorry to hear that!! Though, I'm pleased it worked out for you in the end at least.

God forbid my ex does the same thing... I think it would finish me off, genuinely!! So well done you for getting through that!!

I've been reading so many positive articles about exes coming back that I've almost floated in to a parallel world where I know everything will be alright!! Everyone is different I know, but if that notion helps me to get out and working on myself for me, and if he comes back BONUS and if he doesn't whilst I won't be looking for a LONG time as I'm switched off to anything or anyone else then so be it!

He still hasn't actually said it's 'over' so I can but hope..................... urgh!!

[Limiya]

The false hope gets you through some of the early stages of the breakup. Later on though, after you've healed significantly, you start to accept things will probably never work out, and then one day you're healed and happy and viola. Job done.

Just make sure you put the work in as it will be worth it. And you'll heal quicker.

Don't worry about what happened in my situation as it was definitely for the best and i moved onto better things.

[Supernova1607309611]

>>COULD this be a male freak out, grass is greener issue?? COULD he be back? Anyone out there with experiences (though I know not every one and situation is the same) of someone who does this and then comes back? From perfect, to commitment fear and dumping and then comes back after no contact from the dumpee? Also, how do I know that not fighting for him, or at least messaging him is the right thing to do!? What if by me not responding or being in touch has made him think I'm okay with it and moving on?

 

You have no way of reading his mind... and that it is a 'commitment' freakout. As another poster had happen, he could well have met someone else and that is why he left. People who break up with you suddenly are frequently hiding the real reasons for a break up (meeting someone new, cheating etc.) because they don't want all the drama that comes out when they get discovered cheating or flirting with someone while still with you.

 

It also sounds like though you may have been perfectly happy, there were significant issues like you not letting him meet your friends and other things... so you may have thought you have more leeway for conflict in the relationship than you did... lots of people make the assumption that their partner can express discontentment about certain things many times and still stick around, when ultimately may get sick of it and bolt.

 

And your particular case is totally independent of other people in this world... by that i mean, you could read a million happy 'getting back together' stories and it won't happen for you because you and your relationship to him bears no relation to anyone else telling those stories. So whether he comes back will be based on HIM and what he wants to do and not anyone else.

 

So people try to keep your feet on the ground. As to 'fighting for him,' you are best trying to do what you feel right about doing, but recognize that there is no one magic way to make a person come back again. If you want to try to talk to him, then try to talk to him, but keep in mind that if he really doesn't want to, he won't.

 

My suggestion is always that if you feel you have things you still need to say to the person, write them all down, think about it for a few days and if you still want to say those things, then either try to talk to them or email them, BUT you need to leave it on a positiviie note, where you tell them you'd like to try again, and if he wants to do that, then he can call you, BUT otherwise you are going to try to heal and not contact him.

 

Many people fall into the trap of thinking if they can just say the right thing, he will magically return. And hence they keep trying again and again even though the other person keeps saying no, and starts to get really annoyed by your unwillingness to accept the breakup and let them be.

 

And also keep in mind that most dumpers do not believe those promises under duress, i.e., they dump you, then suddenly you are so desperate you promise to change everything they ever complained because you are so afraid to be alone. They just don't believe you, and may feel manipulated at those promises, and that they aren't really sincere.

 

So you need to do what you feel you need to do, but with an open awareness that you can stand on your head and whistle Dixie but he won't come back unless he wants to, and chasing him endlessly usually just annoys them. They didn't break up with you in order to get you to BUG them and bother them! A break up is usually an indication they want space, not you chasing after them.

[Idoltree]

Thanks Idoltree, I think one of the things that's hurting me so much is REALISING that I did this. I didn't ask him to meet my friends because I loved being with his and seeing them, he didn't mind this, but he did mention the whole not meeting my friends once.

 

You gave up your life and independence. The person he met and fell in love with was someone that you took away, because you placed your needs below his and below the relationship. It is important in your next relationship that you stay yourself. You needed this time to learn.

 

Now I'm realising this, and am taking steps to get over him (withdrawal) and have signed up to a dance class, yoga and just made an appointment with the doctor to talk over it, and hopefully be referred for counselling, but now I've realised it too late... had I made all these steps when I was with him then maybe he wouldn't have ended it.

 

At the same time, maybe he would have. But maybe you wouldn't have had the relationship at all. People select each other based on matching levels of insecurity. They may not be insecure about the same things, but the levels roughly match. They pick up on little signals put out by the other. Your relationship was what it was at that moment in time.

 

I wasn't so bad, when I say I moaned etc and stuff, people do this but it can't have been fun for him. I wish I had the strength to tell him I'm doing these things FOR ME and that it's okay that it's over (not that I obviously feel that way now) and that if he could ever consider anything in the future to let me know

 

The cool thing is that when you actually feel this way, you won't feel the need to tell him. When you are healed, he won't be at the center of your every thought, you won't be doing things for him and the former relationship, you'll be doing them for you. And along with that is a peace and a lack of a need to tell other people.

 

because I still don't know his reasons for ending it.

 

No matter what they were, they are valid. What he did made sense to him at the time. It doesn't mean it was the "correct" choice, it doesn't mean it was a healthy choice for him, it just means it was the right decision for him at the time. Accept that and let it go.

 

I also saw your description of him in another post as being such a wonderful boyfriend to you, and you say you weren't looking through rose tinted glasses. So what about the part where he left you suddenly? I'm under the impression that adult relationships contain communication and talking to one another if there is a problem, not blindsiding your partner. He blindsided you and didn't give you a chance to fix any problems and that's not exactly fair to you. So please keep your perspective about him, and put yourself and your needs first. One obvious need is not to be dumped out of the blue.

 

You'll get to the mindset that you need to heal from this and to be the best version of yourself that you can be. You will fully understand why you need to stay "you" and continue to place you life and your needs at the top of your priority list, even when you're in a relationship. I wish there was something that could be done to take away your pain, but you need to go through the grieving process to get to a healthier mindset.

[DaisyHope]

So I went to my first dance class and had SO much fun......I just got home and guess who got in touch.... It's far too late to respond now plus I have no clue how to respond so leaving it until morning...

[1a1a]

Feh!! Unless it's some logistical matter like reclaiming or returning possessions, ignore that mofo. There is no greater satisfaction.

 

Even if he did come back, could you really feel confident that he wouldn't bail again down the track?

 

Also, yay dance class and having fun *high five for initiative*

[Limiya]

Well done for going to your class, and enjoying it. Now if you decide to contact him back, let him wait for it.

Good luck to you.

Limiya

[DaisyHope]

He emailed last night and I replied this morning, partly because I didn't see it until so late after my class and things last night, plus I'm trying not to be glued to my phone.

I don't expect a reply - it was kind what he was doing, and his words were kind and sincere, so I took the same tact with him. Thanking him, letting him know I'm keeping busy but that I miss him. I asked two guys at work who are similar ages, and they said the one I sent

The main thing is, I'm 'happy' (well as happy as you can be in this situation) with my response, it sits easy with me. So that's that. I don't want him to be 'frightened' to be in contact in future (if he does) , or think I'm some bolshy cow (because I'm not and never was) so it feels right.

Like I said, I know he won't reply, and I know he's not saying he's changed/changing his mind. It is what it is, hard as that is for me... but there we are.

I'm so tempted to sit in tonight as it's so cold today and I've got another new class tomorrow, but think I'm going to force myself out to fireworks, otherwise I may find myself twiddling my thumbs to see if he responds.

[Clinton]

In my experience the only thing to do in cases like this is abandon all hope of reconciliation and move on.

 

Because the cold hard fact is he will find someone else, he will sleep with them and he may well stay with them forever.

 

That's the way it is in the vast majority of breakups. I have a lot of friends and I don't know anyone that reconciled after a real breakup. People move on to new things. They rarely look back

 

I say this not to be cruel but just to say, life is too short to waste time waiting on someone who doesn't want to be with you

 

Life's out there waiting. Heal and go out and live it.

[Limiya]

I hope you went to see the fireworks last night. It would have saves you twiddling thumbs like you said.

Better to do that outside with pretty fireworks than sitting by the phone all evening. The thing is, now he has a response from you, he will probably be less inclined to reply. Some guys like to know you're still on the end of the line if they need you. Sometimes it's good to be 'elusive' now and then. 'Where is she? Why didn't she respond?'. It keeps you in thought. Just something you should keep in mind as you might want to limit contact to a minimum or NC unless he says he wants you back.

 

Keep up the good work and keep busy.

[DaisyHope]

He actually replied and I didn't respond as there was nothing I could really say to it, plus I knew if I did I wouldn't hear back... well maybe I would have done, but I wasn't doing it out of spite or game playing... just because I'm protecting myself and didn't see what I could say...... I'd love to ask everyone's opinion on the message, but who knows he may randomly end up here in the future and see I'd been talking about it!!?! Paranoid much!?

[Supernova1607309611]

^^

Who cares if he ends up here? He dumped you. You don't need to worry about what he thinks. All bets are off once a person dumps you.

 

Right now you need to be thinking about YOU and what is right for you and whatever will help you get past this and heal rather htan worrying about him or what he thinks. If he was all that concerned/interested in you and what you thought or felt, he wouldn't have dumped you.

[DaisyHope]

VERY true Supernova!!

Funny thing is, when you're over the first initial shock, advice like yours above doesn't come accross as harsh or upsetting as I would have taken it, instead it goes in and whilst I'm still not in the 'acceptance' stage, I take it on board and don't get upset!

Yesterday was the first day I allowed/found myself getting angry at him!! I looked at it from another persons perspective and I just thought what an ****hole! Yes it's HORRIBLE thinking that what he said to me may have been lies, yes it's horrible knowing that if he loved me then he shouldn't have wanted to hurt me, and yes it's horrible to think he cut the cord - BUT I know, it's not MY fault.... yes of course there were contributing factors where I didn't help myself, but this isn't MY fault. It's HIS choice, and sadly for whatever reason he didn't feel whatever it was he wanted (and told me often he did!?) wasn't me. I am working on me, for ME... and I'm only going to become stronger, healthier, and a better package if I ever look at moving on with someone else. I DO believe it's his loss. Yes I've lost a best friend (but a best friend wouldn't have done this!!) and I've lost all I thought went with him, and our 'future' (if there ever was one... he told me there was!) BUT things happen for a reason!!

 

Hmmm.... I sound pretty good about all this don't I!! I must come back and read this when I'm riding a low wave about it!!

 

Thanks enotalone family!!