revisit

[reinventmyself]

So. . I’ve been doing the online meet & greets off and on.

So far that ever so elusive chemistry is escaping me but I am being patient.

 

My first attempt back in July, I met someone on two occasions and for those particular meetings, the chemistry was full tilt.

Looking back, I really wasn’t ready and just my luck he ultimately decided to take a chance on someone else. He sent me a very nice text, which he didn’t need to do. . you win some you lose some but he gets serious bonus points for the respectful way he handled it.

 

He text me Sunday night asking if I remembered him and that when we met the `timing was off’ and wanted to know if would consider seeing him again.

 

Now. .after my couple months here on ENA I know better that he is likely fresh out of something that didn’t work out. And now almost 4 mo's later would I still feel the same way now that I am a little more centered?

 

I am not sure I want to meet him out of concern of being a rebound

or otherwise. Maybe this is a temporary split. I noticed his profile is back up as of this morning.

 

On the other hand that chemistry thing has been few and far between. .

 

Thoughts, please:

[mhowe]

Four months isn't a relationship...it's a test drive. Have at it.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

Just because you meet someone doesn't mean you have to make a relationship out of it. Go for it and see what happens.

[notalady]

I would say it doesn't hurt to go for one date and see what happens, no pressure. Especially given you said he handled things respectfully (and by the sounds of it, honestly) when he wanted to see someone else instead of you, which is something to be respected in itself.

 

Personally it might bother me a little that I was the second choice, that being said, people make mistakes. He took a shot at dating someone else (maybe they had better chemistry, who knows) and it didn't work out, and he had been open and honest about it, so I would give him another chance if it was me.

[catfeeder]

He dabbled in more dating and went in the wrong direction. No biggie.

 

When it rains it pours. You can flatline for ages, then suddenly get hit with two or more great ones with whom you really hit it off.

 

Some people can manage that all at once, others need to explore people one-on-one. So this guy took that route, and he played out a miss-match or two.

 

Now he's available...you're available... What's not to be curious about?

 

Go for it.

[missmarple]

I wouldn't give him a second chance. It wasn't the timing that was off, it was his choice to go after someone else. I would be nice to him as he does seem to be a nice guy but, knowing myself, I wouldn't be able to get over the fact that he chose someone else over me..even if it was just 2 dates.

[ScorpioQueen]

I say go for it. I met a man online once years ago. The chemistry just didn't feel right at the time. So much time had passed before we saw each other again that I had not only lived with 2 other people, but had a child in the process too. We met up again and then were together for 2 fantastic years.

[Sportster2005]

Go for it.

 

Some of the advice here is tainted by misandry. Not every man has an agenda, and not all circumstances with men are perilous. The fact is no one knows what is intentions are. Just take your time and communicate openly.

[Batya33]

I would go on the one date.

[reinventmyself]

It's been quiet since then and it appears he only logged in that one time and hasn't logged on since.

I am not pursuing it. . If he comes around I'll consider it. But my hunch here is that maybe there was a hiccup in his new relationship. .typical 3-4 month turning point stuff.

Don't want to risk being part of a triangle or someone's buffer for that matter.

 

Thanks for all the great advise!

[Newday101]

Go for it. You weren't in a relationship with him and he was free to date. That's what it's all about until you meet someone and want to pursue it. He obviously felt a connection or he wouldn't come back and ask for another date. You made an impression. Guys know when a girl isn't ready and they are. Some will stay, others will go and look elsewhere. I say go out with him and see what happens. Better to see than to regret a chance that might have turned into a great relationship.

[reinventmyself]

Update:

So I have spent some time with this guy. The one that left only to return and I am trying to be smart about it.

 

We spent Halloween together and we had a nice date Saturday and had dinner again on Wednesday. He texts me appropriately, not too much not too little.

 

I am cautious knowing he is only a few weeks out of the 5 month relationship. I continue to date others but I am distracted by him.

 

I did something out of my comfort zone and had sex with him on Sat. There wasn’t a discussion about what it meant or what it didn’t mean and I really wanted to just go with it for once and enjoy the moment. Much like I already knew I am not very good at separating my head from my body and as fun as if was, I would take it back now if I could. Basically I suck at casual sex.

 

While saying goodnight to him at the restaurant Wed, he didn’t seem to want me to leave until I firmed up a follow up date. I have plans (date) on Sunday and he asked to see me tonight(Fri). The notion of a Saturday date hung heavy and one can interpret he had other plans( likely a date?) on Saturday because that wasn’t offered. It was actually dodged a little

 

What am I asking? .I am not sure. All I know is I feel a lot of anxiety about this one. I can’t have sex with him again unless there is some sort of understanding, besides it's way too soon to know and horse has left the barn, so to speak. And I am surely not having sex with him knowing that he likely has a date tomorrow. Just not good for my little psyche.

 

He seems to really like me. . and the feeling is mutual. . I am white knuckling this one and feeling vulnerable though. I tend to run a little on the anxious spectrum anyway . .this doesn't help.

 

I realize I am asking the same question over and over. . and when I do tell him that I need to dial it back I guess it will test our relationship and things will be little more transparent. But ultimately I need to take care of myself emotionally.

[mhowe]

You have a date on Sunday...so who cares if he has plans with a date..or with his buddies on Sat.?

 

Go..have fun. Sex doesn't have to be on the table but don't be surprised if it is.

[Batya33]

Just tell him that you made a mistake having sex so soon and you want to wait until you both decide whether this is something potentially serious. What did you discuss so far about birth control/pregnancy/STDs?

[reinventmyself]

Just tell him that you made a mistake having sex so soon and you want to wait until you both decide whether this is something potentially serious. What did you discuss so far about birth control/pregnancy/STDs?

 

So. . I did tell him how I felt on Friday and what my values were. Pretty proud of myself on how I handled it. We had another nice dinner and went our separate ways.

 

We didn't speak over the weekend but I did get a text from him yesterday in the midst of my Sunday date with my other friend that he really liked me and would want to date exclusively if I would consider it. Imagine my distraction during my date. . I feel bad that I wasn't `all there' with my friend as I should have been.

 

Yesterdays date was an all day date so I couldn't get back to him until later last night. I said I would consider it and I am seeing him tomorrow.

 

We will cover all the other particulars (std's, etc) and pregnancy isn't an issue. . if the dr. did indeed tie my tubes as instructed

 

. . .as always. .thx for the advise!

[mhowe]

Good for you!

[reinventmyself]

. . .back once again for the voice of reason.

We are supposed to see each other tonight and he hadn't logged onto to his profile in a couple days. He text me last night that he was excited to see me. . And then logged on.

This morning he's logged on and is now texting me as what time we are meeting.

 

This all originated with me saying that I wasn't able to have sex with him while he was shopping and it all happened too soon.

By his initiation we would be exclusive sexually but the issue as to whether we were dating and meeting others wasn't crystal clear.

I did tell him that I wouldn't be exclusive with anyone that needed to log on after crawling out of my bed.

I think I know what I need to do here but I need a little support.

1} don't even respond to his text this morning and blow him off.

2} tell him that I am unable to keep my date

3} Meet him for dinner and talk to him

 

I am so discouraged and confused at this point If these guys only knew how many free dinners and casual hook ups I've been offered maybe they'd understand.

. . . I just don't know how much more I can explain it and honestly if he was the right guy it shouldn't be this hard.

[mhowe]

Meet with him and have a talk. He could be checking to see if YOU live by what you said and is seeing if YOU are on the dating site.

 

Have dinner. Do the exclusive talk. Jointly agree to delete the dating site.

 

Is he communicating with you only through the dating site? Give him your number!

[reinventmyself]

Meet with him and have a talk. He could be checking to see if YOU live by what you said and is seeing if YOU are on the dating site.

 

Have dinner. Do the exclusive talk. Jointly agree to delete the dating site.

 

Is he communicating with you only through the dating site? Give him your number!

 

Oh no. . we haven't communicated through the site since June. He calls and texts.

[mhowe]

Your response to "I would consider dating exclusively" was "I will consider it".

 

You haven't had the talk. He is allowed to keep looking until then.

[reinventmyself]

. . it shouldn't be so difficult

Those that get off the ground with ease seem to have a better chance then one's that stop and start and are riddled with mixed messages

[Batya33]

I agree with Mhowe. And it takes two -you added to any complications by choosing to have sex when you did and then not wanting to have sex again without being exclusive. You're not wrong -it's fine that you changed your mind but then you have to cut him some slack too.

[reinventmyself]

so I confirm my date for tonight and he texts back and then immediately logs onto his profile for the 3rd time this morning.

(mind you I had explained to him how I view being intimate while someone is shopping and it's position of self respect that I am not able to put myself in)

 

I also must add that when he did come back into the picture his profile was not active but since we've had sex he's enrolled, updated and logs on frequently.

I have to listen to my gut here and I text him back to cancel the date.

I am sad. . defeated. . but I think it was the right thing to do considering everything that transpired.

 

He asked for an explanation and I text him `Typically when someone tells you that they want to get to know you better and continue to be exclusive they tend to curb their shopping, instead you have enrolled, updated your pictures and sign on more and more frequently'. 'I do apologize for not handling this differently and not getting to know each other better first only to find out that we are not on the page"

[Batya33]

I think you sent mixed messages. You had sex with him without any promise of exclusivity and now you tell him that you don't have sex with someone unless they close off their options. In fact you wrote

"I did something out of my comfort zone and had sex with him on Sat. There wasn’t a discussion about what it meant or what it didn’t mean and I really wanted to just go with it for once and enjoy the moment." So you benefited from it -you got to experiment with casual sex and now know it's not right for you. But the downside is that you gave him the impression you were ok with it and he barely knows you so what is he supposed to think?

 

He's entitled to log into a dating site -and of course for all you know he's just chatting with women he has no intention of meeting -and especially without your monitoring his behavior. If you met him first in real life you'd have no idea if he was chatting with other women in real life or otherwise.

 

I agree that if you two were exclusive then being on a dating site would be inconsistent with that -but you're not. I understand that you see it as just a formality- having the talk - that you already discussed being exclusive -but since you've behaved inconsistently in his eyes (having sex with no strings attached, then belatedly attaching strings) he probably wasn't sure how the talk was going to go so he didn't want to miss out on opportunities with other women.

 

You definitely do not have to see him again if you don't want to but I would reevaluate your dating approach with the next person (although it sounds like you probably won't have casual sex again).

[reinventmyself]

Correct and correct.

I did however own it up front and tell him it was my mistake and that he was a good guy and did nothing wrong. I also added that I respected wherever he was at and sensitive to the fact that he just got out of a relationship and probably was in need of a break. It was a respectful parting.

 

he returned unsolicited speaking of exclusively and wanting me in his life. The trouble lies where his words didn't match his actions. I don't know about you but when you offer someone exclusively you don't then update your profile with new pictures and start logging on more.

 

Yes I learned my lesson and didn't handle it well. I told him so.

 

But I didn't invite him back and force him to make a declaration he wasn't prepared to back up .